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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dp should contribute to my dc?

201 replies

Cocopogo · 07/05/2022 19:36

Been together three years, don’t live together, recently got engaged, DP recently bought his own place.
Since we got engaged I’ve been talking about us being more like a family. DP is avoiding this. He clearly doesn’t actually want to get married but proposed as I was considering walking away through his lack of commitment. Today he’s made a big fuss that started because he drove me to my house and I’d forgotten my key so had to drive me back to his and started moaning about fuel costs and I reminded him that I do all the driving except for Saturdays when he drives and he then went on how when we go out for meals he pays for 3 people (me and dc) and I pay for 1 (him) even though we both pay for 4.
Basically see’s my dc as not his responsibility. I pointed out that he earns over twice as much as me and we have similar outgoings except I pay for everything else for my dc except you be meal a week which we alternate.

Even as I write this it all seems petty to me but he was so annoyed. Should he contribute to the DC or should it always be separate?

OP posts:
Thinkbiglittleone · 07/05/2022 20:34

He is not responsible for your DC, you don't even live together, it's not like he is their Step father, he's your boyfriend (fiancé to me is someone with an intent to marry, he doesn't have that by the sounds of it)

Walk away OP, he does not sound like he want to be a family unit, find someone who does want themselves, you and your children as a family unit. I know this may upset your kids if they have met him and he's already a part of their lives, but in the long run, it doesn't sound like he wants to commit.

audweb · 07/05/2022 20:34

If he’s bought his own house, and only proposed to stop you breaking up with him, he’s not exactly sounding committed to married life, sorry. And he’s not their dad, and you don’t live together. If he lived with you and you had merged lives to that extent then I think you would perhaps expect a bit more financial commitment, but as it stands it doesn’t sounds like he’s that invested or interested.

i wouldn’t expect a future partner to assume any financial responsibility for my kid, and to be frank, if I met someone with a kid I wouldn’t want to pay for them. I’m not sure he’s done anything wrong apart from keep you hanging with this engagement.

BaaMoon · 07/05/2022 20:35

I think with kids you should ideally have lived together before getting engaged. He might be horrible to live with.

Hallyup89 · 07/05/2022 20:35

I couldn't be in a relationship like that. The only people that will suffer are the kids, when you inevitably get divorced.

BogRollBOGOF · 07/05/2022 20:38

PriestessofPing · 07/05/2022 20:02

It doesn’t sound like he wants to be involved in any kind of step-parenting which would make getting married and living together tricky so it is odd he proposed, but as you say he seeks to have done that as a gesture to placate you rather than actually wanting to do it.

I also think while he shouldn’t be expected to pay for your kids if he is ‘just’ a boyfriend, it’s a bit sad he resents buying them a meal, especially if he earns well.

This.

I'd expect after 3 years and engagement to be moving towards an actual partnership (in deed, not just as a title)

While he isn't responsible for your children, they are part of the package of you, and to keep them as seperate entities means that there isn't a full commitment to you.

This sounds like OP and her "partner" have different aspirations for the relationship and neither is taking the other seriously which will just result in years of stagnation with frustrating promising noises that don't amount to actual action. It doesn't sound compatible.

Babyroobs · 07/05/2022 20:39

You don't even live together. You should pay for your dc's meals. It will be different when you actually live together as all income will be put together ( hopefully ). However there is no point moving in with him or marrying him if he is going to be resentful of every penny. Do you have earnings and child maintenance from their dad?

Pyewhacket · 07/05/2022 20:41

If I were him I'd get my running shoes on.

cecilthehungryspider · 07/05/2022 20:41

It may be true that he is under no obligation to pay for stuff for your children but I wouldn't personally want to get involved with someone who didn't see it as a package deal, kids and all. What kind of a relationship is it where you have all the extra expenses of children on a much lower income? Is he going to swan off on expensive holidays and leave the rest of you at home? Go out for expensive meals while you and the children go to McDonald's? IMO you have to be all in and make a family or it's just not going to work.

JaceLancs · 07/05/2022 20:41

I would think him mean to resent the fuel just because you forgot your keys never mind the food for DC
I had a living together relationship when my DC were younger for a good few years and he had more disposable income than I did he adored them and spent more on them than I could! Paying for extra clubs and things like music lessons which they’d not had before
on days out, holidays or just for a meal we usually split 50:50 or he would pay if I couldn’t

Summerholidayorcovidagain · 07/05/2022 20:42

If your dc have no df yanbu to hope he would want to play a part... He has shown you that isn't to be op. Listen to him and get the hell out of there...

FrogFairy · 07/05/2022 20:42

If he is not happy to pay for a couple of kids meals, he will have kittens if he marries or lives with you and your dc go to university as his income will be taken into account by student finance and he will be expected to support them.

NumberTheory · 07/05/2022 20:47

It doesn't sound like he is after a family with kids to treat as his own. If that is all you're prepared to accept from a romantic partner then splitting up is reasonable.

But I think it might be sensible to ask yourself how reasonable your standard is. I think it's quite a small pool of men who would really be happy about taking on financial responsibility for someone else's children as though they were their own. This is especially true if the children are older. I could see a lot of men feeling taken advantage of if you told them what you've said here.

SunshineCake · 07/05/2022 20:48

Bit daft to get engaged. You don't want to get married and neither does he. I would walk away from this non relationship.

Orchidsonthetable · 07/05/2022 20:49

I’m just pissed off with his whole attitude tbh and think it’s time to walk away and be single or find someone who wants the same things as I do

which I actually think translates as someone who wants to pay for my kids as much as I want them to pay for my kids

good luck with that, but most blokes who you don’t live with won’t be keen. And the ones that are, well, they are the ones you need to worry about.

RealBecca · 07/05/2022 20:51

You're asking the wrong question.

You want someone who is family orientated rather than a DP who lives in the same home.

You cant change someone but you do have control over whether he is the right fit for you.

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 07/05/2022 20:53

Op if he hasn't committed as yet and only did so because of what you said then I think you both want different things out of this scenario

Your wanting to build a family unit and he's not clearly.
If you struggle along like this what happens when you have children together?

Sadly it doesn't sound like it's going to be a family unit so you either accept that and keep the relationship and kids seperate or you cut your losses and move on for what you are looking for.

My now dh and I met and he treated and still does treat my dc as his own even as an adult my ds and husband have a great relationship and there was never any question of who was paying for what.

Apart from your do not wanting to form a family unit he also sounds stingy so that would put me off

Organictangerine · 07/05/2022 20:54

There’s 2 issues at play here

That you think he should pay for your kids (he shouldn’t but would be nice if he did every now and then)

and the fact he doesn’t want to marry you and is an uptight cheap skate - ditch him

Imperfectp3rf3ction · 07/05/2022 20:57

I'm split by 3 years he should know if he wants to be a family unit in which case he should accept you as a package but to me it sounds like he doesn't want family life what Size house did he buy ?

Twitterwhooooo · 07/05/2022 20:57

I agree with those who say that it's not marriage that's the issue, but the fact that he doesn't seem to want to be involved in your family unit.

That's not going to work out, I'm afraid.

You can still have a relationship with him, but it doesn't sound like he wants to take a step father type role, so it doesn't sound like the type of relationship that you want.

HollowTalk · 07/05/2022 20:58

You need to move on from this man. If he can afford to treat your children to a lunch out and begrudges it then he is really not the man for you.

meadowbleu · 07/05/2022 20:58

It's not about finances and paying for your children's meals when you eat out, it's about inclusion, belonging and generosity, not of money, but of spirit.

Whatever it is you have together, it isn't any of those.

Itsmythreadandilldeleteifiwantto · 07/05/2022 20:59

YABU, OP.

I wouldn't be paying for anyone else's children. Though there's nothing on Earth that would move me to marry someone with young children. I've done that with my own children; I have zero desire to support anyone else's children either emotionally or financially.

He's not wrong in my opinion.

But you're not wrong either, if you want to find a man who's willing to do that. This man isn't the one, though (and that is not a criticism of him).

WilsonMilson · 07/05/2022 21:00

He doesn’t want to be a family, I wouldn’t marry him if I were you.

PMAmostofthetime · 07/05/2022 21:00

@Cocopogo I think I'd be very concerned if he treated my DC like that. I have a DSC and the first year or 2 I would get them separate gifts for birthday and Christmas but after 2 years I paid half.
We always paid half each of meals, food trips out etc so essentially pay for our own and half each of DC. I have seen DSC as my DC since the 2 year mark and therefore my responsibility. Even before we all moved in together.
He knew you were a package deal and if he's not able to accept DC, then I think you were right to want to walk away.

Murdoch1949 · 07/05/2022 21:01

Put him in a scenario with a new gf, her turning up with her 2 children, he'd be treating them like Kings to impress their mum. He's past that with you, and frankly couldn't care what you think. Obviously they're your children and your financial responsibility but we're not talking about buying their clothes or shoes, but a meal or treat. He's a mean minded man and this won't improve on marriage. He should be happy to treat your children well, instead he's nitpicking. I don't think this relationship has hot legs, I'd be wary of exposing my children to a man like this.