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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dp should contribute to my dc?

201 replies

Cocopogo · 07/05/2022 19:36

Been together three years, don’t live together, recently got engaged, DP recently bought his own place.
Since we got engaged I’ve been talking about us being more like a family. DP is avoiding this. He clearly doesn’t actually want to get married but proposed as I was considering walking away through his lack of commitment. Today he’s made a big fuss that started because he drove me to my house and I’d forgotten my key so had to drive me back to his and started moaning about fuel costs and I reminded him that I do all the driving except for Saturdays when he drives and he then went on how when we go out for meals he pays for 3 people (me and dc) and I pay for 1 (him) even though we both pay for 4.
Basically see’s my dc as not his responsibility. I pointed out that he earns over twice as much as me and we have similar outgoings except I pay for everything else for my dc except you be meal a week which we alternate.

Even as I write this it all seems petty to me but he was so annoyed. Should he contribute to the DC or should it always be separate?

OP posts:
AskingforaBaskin · 07/05/2022 19:50

No he doesn't have contribute anything.just like when mothers post on here expecting the step mum to babysit or contribute to CMS. They have two parents who are solely responsible for their upbringing.

AskingforaBaskin · 07/05/2022 19:50

No he doesn't have contribute anything.just like when mothers post on here expecting the step mum to babysit or contribute to CMS. They have two parents who are solely responsible for their upbringing.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 07/05/2022 19:50

Just leave him. You want different things. He doesn't want to be their stepfather. Why would you want to marry a man who doesn't actually want to marry you and only proposed because you gave him an ultimatum?

HangOnToYourself · 07/05/2022 19:50

I'm on the fence tbh as I would.not expect a partner to pay for my ds (thankfully my partner also has a dc so it's easy to split costs). But if you are 3 years in I would expect to be working as a team.and seeing finances as joint. Are you planning to move into his new place? I'd agree with the pp who say he doesnt sound that into it and honestly I'd be considering if there was actually a future here as he doesnt seem willing to really take on a stepfather role.

RewildingAmbridge · 07/05/2022 19:51

You don't live together and you're not married, why should he pay for your children?
Their father should be paying for them.
Eventually if you move in together and get married yes you become a family and discussions would need to be had.
I think his point with the meals out etc is that you pay for one person more than you usually would, he pays for 3 more people than he usually would. He doesn't sound like a willing step father OP , there's nothing wrong with that but think seriously about whether this has a future.

Merryoldgoat · 07/05/2022 19:53

I’ve reread this and he sounds horrible.

I wouldn’t like a man like that even if I didn’t have kids.

Imagine if you had joint kids - they’d be treated so much better than yours. Is that how you want to live?

Urgh. He makes my vagina clam up.

FortniteBoysMum · 07/05/2022 19:53

If you date a single parent you do so knowing it's a package deal. If my dp had been like that with my eldest we would not still be together. If you know he only proposed because you planned to walk away and then he bought a house of his own clearly with no intention of living together then it's time to walk away.

Merryoldgoat · 07/05/2022 19:54

Eventually if you move in together and get married yes you become a family and discussions would need to be had.

Theyre bloody engaged - if he’s at the point where paying for two kids meals is causing this crap but he’s intending to marry their mother how the fuck does that work?

11stonesomething · 07/05/2022 19:55

This reply has been deleted

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

BobHadBitchTits · 07/05/2022 19:59

I'm with him on this.

Notanotherwindow · 07/05/2022 20:01

He seems like he's happier being a boyfriend for want of a better word. As opposed to a partner who wants to be a family with you.

Crispyturtle · 07/05/2022 20:01

OP I think you need to take a long hard look at this relationship. You want to be one big family, but he is making it very clear that he does not. You don’t live together and he’s just bought a house separately to you. You had to threaten to leave to get him to propose. He sees your finances as separate and keeps a track of who pays for what. None of this is screaming ‘happy every after’. You could waste a few more years of your life on this or you could cut your losses now.

GrazingSheep · 07/05/2022 20:01

Do your children even like him??

arethereanyleftatall · 07/05/2022 20:02

Well he's right, he doesn't have to. But then, you don't have to be in a relationship with someone who is telling you as clear as day that he is not interested in becoming a stepfather to your children.

PriestessofPing · 07/05/2022 20:02

It doesn’t sound like he wants to be involved in any kind of step-parenting which would make getting married and living together tricky so it is odd he proposed, but as you say he seeks to have done that as a gesture to placate you rather than actually wanting to do it.

I also think while he shouldn’t be expected to pay for your kids if he is ‘just’ a boyfriend, it’s a bit sad he resents buying them a meal, especially if he earns well.

Merryoldgoat · 07/05/2022 20:04

arethereanyleftatall · 07/05/2022 20:02

Well he's right, he doesn't have to. But then, you don't have to be in a relationship with someone who is telling you as clear as day that he is not interested in becoming a stepfather to your children.

The most perfect answer I think.

LetHimHaveIt · 07/05/2022 20:07

Well, no, he's not responsible for paying for your kids. But you're not asking him to pay for football boots/ballet shoes/music lessons/school trips/cinema tickets. You're asking him to pay for two lots of chicken nuggets and chips, twice a month. I think that's reasonable in a relationship. I probably pay more than that for my best friend's kids.

But, look, OP. He's bought a place. He didn't want to propose. He begrudged the petrol money spent going back for your keys - and told you so. He doesn't sound great. I'd bin him off.

Searchfornessie · 07/05/2022 20:08

Basically see’s my dc as not his responsibility

In what way do you think be should be responsible for your DC?

PortalooSunset · 07/05/2022 20:09

When/if you get married then maybe he'll want to contribute, but no. Your children are your responsibility not his.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/05/2022 20:11

None of it sounds very good. Why would you agree to marry someone who only proposed because of an ultimatum? Why stay engaged when it’s not leading to marriage? Why haven’t you had a proper chat about marriage, living together, finances?

He’s bought his own place, he’s not going to build a family life with you. He feels your expectations are unfair and they are unless he’s proactively up for this stuff.

If you can’t afford to pay for your kids to eat out then don’t eat out. What did you do before he came along?

You sound resentful of him and of paying for your own children. I’m especially unsure why on the second part.

MarvellousMay · 07/05/2022 20:11

He clearly doesn’t actually want to get married but proposed as I was considering walking away through his lack of commitment
I’m not sure why you’re still with him if you believe this to be true.

OnceMoreWithoutFeeling · 07/05/2022 20:11

Honestly he doesn't sound like he's interested in being a family or becoming a stepdad so what's the point of pursuing him to become so? You have kids to worry about. Why waste time being "engaged" to someone who doesn't want to be married? Sack him off and save yourself the headspace and eventual disappointment.

Phobiaphobic · 07/05/2022 20:13

Gotta say he doesn't sound like a keeper, OP. He's not keen on getting married and he doesn't want to behave as if you're a family. Most men in that position are not so tight or mean.

Original poster
Cocopogo · 07/05/2022 20:16

Just to be clear I didn’t push him in to proposing. I told him that I wanted more and left. He told me he realised what he’d lost and was ready to commit. I believed him and laid out my expectations re family life. Regardless, I’m not fussed about marriage either but I am fussed about being a family unit regardless of our living arrangements. No maintenance, it’s just me and the kids as it always has been.
I’m just pissed off with his whole attitude tbh and think it’s time to walk away and be single or find someone who wants the same things as I do.

OP posts:
Beamur · 07/05/2022 20:16

He's not obligated to, but the fact that he's resenting even contributing to a meal doesn't bode well.
He resents your kids, moans about petrol costs, has got engaged under duress and has bought his own place despite being together with you for 3 years. There's no future in this OP.