Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dp should contribute to my dc?

201 replies

Cocopogo · 07/05/2022 19:36

Been together three years, don’t live together, recently got engaged, DP recently bought his own place.
Since we got engaged I’ve been talking about us being more like a family. DP is avoiding this. He clearly doesn’t actually want to get married but proposed as I was considering walking away through his lack of commitment. Today he’s made a big fuss that started because he drove me to my house and I’d forgotten my key so had to drive me back to his and started moaning about fuel costs and I reminded him that I do all the driving except for Saturdays when he drives and he then went on how when we go out for meals he pays for 3 people (me and dc) and I pay for 1 (him) even though we both pay for 4.
Basically see’s my dc as not his responsibility. I pointed out that he earns over twice as much as me and we have similar outgoings except I pay for everything else for my dc except you be meal a week which we alternate.

Even as I write this it all seems petty to me but he was so annoyed. Should he contribute to the DC or should it always be separate?

OP posts:
PaddlingLikeADuck · 07/05/2022 20:17

So you don’t live together, he proposed, but then bought his own place?!

Doesn’t getting engaged mean you should be planning for a future together? I don’t understand why he’s just bought somewhere for himself?

He clearly doesn’t want to commit and doesn’t want to be a family unit with you and your children so I would just leave.

Stop wasting your time.

Comedycook · 07/05/2022 20:18

Well technically no, he's not their father so he doesn't have to pay for them. However, he sounds really tight, mean and petty.

BritInUS1 · 07/05/2022 20:19

YABU they are not his kids

TeaAndBrie · 07/05/2022 20:21

I mean this politely but he wants you not the children. As this isn’t exactly easy to separate if you stay with him you will have issues down the line financially and emotionally

MaudieandMe · 07/05/2022 20:21

From what you’ve written, he’s playing you. It seems weird to get engaged (which suggests marriage and combining households…) then for him to continue buying his own place without any definite plans to move your relationship on.

Realistically, I’d guess he’s not interested in getting married and simply wants to keep as you as his shagging partner? You will need to accept that he won’t be taking any responsibility for your children and you carry on living as two separate households until the children have grown up and left home or you meet someone else.

What do you want OP?
Might be time to throw this fish back?

iheartmybeachhut · 07/05/2022 20:21

fgs don't marry this man, he's telling you loud and clear he doesn't want marriage and to take your dc on in any shape or form.

grapewines · 07/05/2022 20:22

He proposed then bought his own place. This is not a man with whom you are a likely to ever have a family, as you seem to know as well. He doesn't want to marry you.

That said he is under no obligation to contribute to children that aren't his. It would be different if you were married.

Cameleongirl · 07/05/2022 20:23

I’m just pissed off with his whole attitude tbh and think it’s time to walk away and be single or find someone who wants the same things as I do.

Unfortunately, I think you're right, OP. He doesn't see the future the way you do, he's not interested in being a family unit. He wants you, but not your children. I'd either keep it casual (which doesn't sound like what you want) or end the relationship and find someone who does want to be a family unit. Flowers

Hariboqueen1 · 07/05/2022 20:23

wow really surprised by the vote. Depends what kind of stepfather you want your partner to be. I personally would never have chosen a stepfather like that for my child.

BaaMoon · 07/05/2022 20:23

YvanEhtNiojYvanEhtNioj · 07/05/2022 19:39

He's not their stepfather. He doesn't have to pay for them.

Even if he was he doesn't have to pay for them

BaaMoon · 07/05/2022 20:24

And if you know he doesn't want to get married and you do then just move on and forget him.

BaaMoon · 07/05/2022 20:25

oviraptor21 · 07/05/2022 19:41

Your DCs are not his responsibility unless you get married. At that point your finances are pooled and your income and expenses become his and his income and expenses becomes yours.
At the moment you don't even live together. Sounds like he wants to keep it this way.

Not necessarily

Greensleeves · 07/05/2022 20:25

Is it only financially that he sees himself as a separate entity, or is he reluctant to engage with your children in other ways? Are there any indications that he will ever, if you commit to one another, consider himself to be part of a family unit?

If he will never see your children as family, can you live with that? You would be living two lives, basically. You would be his partner, and their mother, but not a family. I couldn't do it, and I don't think it's at all healthy for the children.

Summerholidayorcovidagain · 07/05/2022 20:26

Ime it will be you +dc versus him. He won't be any sort of partner financially or otherwise given the example the gave. He begrudged you a car journey's worth of fuel. Raise your bar op. Ditch him for good this time.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 07/05/2022 20:26

YABU for expecting him to pay for them when you say yourself he only proposed to stop you leaving.

Honestly, don't you want better than this for yourself and your DC?

pompei8309 · 07/05/2022 20:27

And why exactly you want to marry the prick ??

AntikytheraMech · 07/05/2022 20:27

BritInUS1 · 07/05/2022 20:19

YABU they are not his kids

This.

thistimelastweek · 07/05/2022 20:27

He's not your DP. A true partner doesn't weigh and measure every transaction for their own benefit. A true partner looks at the relationship as a whole. You know, we're all in this shit together.
He's just a tight bastard.

DogsAndGin · 07/05/2022 20:29

He doesn’t want to marry you, but had proposed to ‘shut you up’. Sorry OP, this doesn’t sound good at all.

itsgettingweird · 07/05/2022 20:30

IstayedForTheFeminism · 07/05/2022 19:39

I assume they aren't his dc? In which case he has no responsibility towards them.

That said I couldn't be in a relationship like that.

This.

Although he doesn't have responsibility towards them I couldn't be with someone who proposed and then bought a house alone and made it clear our lives were separate.

The true issue here is what you want and if he can provide that for you. It's not wrong for either of you to have POV - but it won't work if they aren't the same.

Mellowyellow222 · 07/05/2022 20:30

He doesn’t seem to like your children. If he gets annoyed about buying them the odd meal he really isn’t step father material.

you are engaged - but that doesn’t seem to mean anything to him if he just bought his own house.

i don’t understand what you mean by family unit in the context of you not living together?

I think it’s time to cut this man lose and concentrate on your children

Whoatealltheminieggs · 07/05/2022 20:32

He’s not that interested in you and doesn’t have any responsibility to pay for your kids.

Orchidsonthetable · 07/05/2022 20:32

This can’t be for real? Three years in, no shared finances and you want the dude to pay for your kids.

eh no op. That’s on you and their dad. Get a grip. If anyone has the right to he pissed it’s him, I’m cringing for you.

Merryoldgoat · 07/05/2022 20:33

@Cocopogo

you sound like you know he’s not a keeper. He’ll promise the world to worm his way back in I expect but you’ve seen his true colours.

CambsAlways · 07/05/2022 20:34

He doesn’t sound like a keeper to me