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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dp should contribute to my dc?

201 replies

Cocopogo · 07/05/2022 19:36

Been together three years, don’t live together, recently got engaged, DP recently bought his own place.
Since we got engaged I’ve been talking about us being more like a family. DP is avoiding this. He clearly doesn’t actually want to get married but proposed as I was considering walking away through his lack of commitment. Today he’s made a big fuss that started because he drove me to my house and I’d forgotten my key so had to drive me back to his and started moaning about fuel costs and I reminded him that I do all the driving except for Saturdays when he drives and he then went on how when we go out for meals he pays for 3 people (me and dc) and I pay for 1 (him) even though we both pay for 4.
Basically see’s my dc as not his responsibility. I pointed out that he earns over twice as much as me and we have similar outgoings except I pay for everything else for my dc except you be meal a week which we alternate.

Even as I write this it all seems petty to me but he was so annoyed. Should he contribute to the DC or should it always be separate?

OP posts:
Itsmythreadandilldeleteifiwantto · 07/05/2022 21:26

@Grotbag81 get rid

You could equally say the same to any woman who said "My partner expects me to pay for his children because I earn more. He's pressurised/guilt-tripped me into agreeing to get engaged. He also wants me to act as a stepmother although I have no interest in playing that role."

It's more a case of differing needs and priorities, I would say.

Mollymoo67 · 07/05/2022 21:30

This doesn't sound like a recipe for future happiness OP.

That said, he's right - your children are not his responsibility, financially or otherwise.

Grotbag81 · 07/05/2022 21:31

Good point Itsmythreadandilldeleteifiwantto

There's paying for everything and then there's contributing/reciprocating here and there imo.

I wouldn't of expected him to fund my child.

Simonjt · 07/05/2022 21:36

You have completely different needs in a relationship, you need to get rid and find someone who has similar needs and desires as you.

My husband pays the same for my son as I do, well at the moment he pays for everything as I’m not at work. Even when we were dating he never moaned about paying for my son if we went somewhere. I wanted a family unit, not two seperate families under the same roof, it looks like you want that as well, your current partner just can’t offer you that.

ssd · 07/05/2022 21:37

Sounds like he wants a shag and you want a meal ticket

Bananarama21 · 07/05/2022 21:37

I love some of the responses here because his a man hes mean becausd he doesn't want to pay for them. The response would be totally different if a woman was refusing to contribute to meals out for her dps children whom she doesn't even live and would be advise to keep her money seperate and its down to the parent to pay.

violuhts · 07/05/2022 21:39

to the ones saying "why should he? they're not his children" and his man proposed. if he intends to marry, he'll be their stepfather, im not sure about you but that means he's making a commitment to be THEIR family. so yeah, he should.

Willyoujustbequiet · 07/05/2022 21:39

If you were married/living together as a family then yes he definitely should.

SnozPoz · 07/05/2022 21:39

I would walk away from this relationship. You've already said he doesn't want to get married, and that you were ready to walk... but if he's griping about things like the cost of fuel and your kids he's clearly thinking of himself as an individual not as part of a family unit. It's only going to get worse and you and your kids deserve better than that. No one is better than someone that doesn't respect you (all). I agree that the cost of your kids overall is not his responsibility but his behaviours sound like someone verging on stinginess, or a not very close work colleague, rather than the love of your life you want to walk into the sunset with.

MandUs · 07/05/2022 21:44

What I can't understand is how you deem it appropriate to get engaged to a man who you haven't even lived with when you are a mother.

How do you even know that your children and him gel in a daily living situation. It sounds to me like he doesn't actually want to live as a family. It's so unfair to put your children in this situation.

I don't agree btw that he shouldn't pay for your DC. Yes, ultimately they are your responsibility and not his but the fact that he grudges paying for a random treat for them rings alarm bells.

If you move in together, the government will in fact consider him as financially responsible for your children so you need to know if he isn't happy to take that on. His income will be considered for child benefit payments and also for student loan purposes. If he's not happy to make the parental contribution should they go to uni, your DC will really get screwed.

It is a massive responsibility to move in/marry someone with children, particularly if the biological dad is not on the scene but if he really loves you and sees you as a unit, this shouldn't be a problem.

I'm always surprised by how many single mums accept this crap treatment of their DC just so they have a partner.

ohnodear · 07/05/2022 21:46

@Bananarama21

Absolutely not. I'm a single mum of one DC, my partner is a single partner of 2 DC. We've been together 18 months and don't quibble over money - he will happily pay for me and my DC (when his two aren't around, but also when they are.) I buy treats for his DC and we split bills equally, sometimes he will pay 1/3 more if we go somewhere expensive. The point is, we're a partnership, we want to be together and build a family together.

I'm sorry OP, but this man sounds mean, ungenerous and doesn't see you as a unit. I would have left when he only proposed because he felt pressured as he would lose you. Is that really what you want? Wouldn't you rather be with a man who was crazy about you (and your DC) and couldn't wait to marry you?

balboaconstrictor · 07/05/2022 21:47

He doesn't want to get married. He doesn't want to be responsible for your kids. It's up to you whether or not you want to waste more time on this when you have different ideas of how things should be between you.

Tbh, I wouldn't jump at the chance to be financially responsible for someone else's 3 kids, but neither would I want a relationship with a man who didn't have a significant interest in helping me raise my young children, forming a real family with mutual support. You seem incompatible.

Andromachehadabadday · 07/05/2022 21:55

Hmm I can see both sides.

you want him to see you as a joined and combined family unit. He clearly doesn’t. Since you don’t live together I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. In fact Step mothers are often told to draw a line and keep their boundaries and that they don’t have to include their step kids in everything.

Theres nothing wrong with what you want either. But it’s not compatible.

you didn’t force him to propose. But when he did, you knew it was just a gesture to keep you and he wasn’t actually planning to marry you. When he bought a house alone, you knew you weren’t heading where you wanted to.

he could be mean with money. Or he could be a fed up with the kids being his expense. That means he shouldn’t be with someone who wants their partner to see their kids as joint.

not 100% that if you were a man expecting his female partner to pay for their kids, you would get the same support.

I think it’s best you just end it. Not ‘I want this or that’ and waiting to see what bits he is willing to concede on. I mean actually end it.

hellrabbitishere · 07/05/2022 22:00

sorry to be blunt , but you are on whats known as the begging end here , its you that wants the things to move forward in this relationship and you the one who has to push for them , as in he only agreed to marriage because you were going to walk away , hes just bought his own house , not suggested waiting until your married and buying together , its you that wants it all and him thats just wants it to carry on the same , this will sound cruel , but honestly ask yourself did he just propose because what he has is a nice comfy setup and he just doesnt feel like being on his own , or did he really realise he couldnt do without you in his life ?

i think his actions since as in begrudges paying for your kids meals and general moaning about cash suggest the former

im the first one to say no he shouldnt have to pay out and love your kids as his own because they arent . but one presumes if you do marry and all live together he will in one way or another be paying towards them at least a little one way or another

id tread carefully here if you do decide to carry this on , if you move yourself and your kids out of your place and into his newly bought house at some point it could lead to difficulties if he wants to end it and he wants you out , you must make sure you are married first if you move in with him .

and id be just wary , it sounds like hes with you for the easy ride of it without the real commitment , he should want to actually marry you without being pushed into a corner , theres nothing stopping him dumping you when or if he does meet someone he feels madly in love with and wants to marry and you have wasted all that time on him

SecretVictoria · 07/05/2022 22:04

YABU. I mean, my ex was a wanker but he never asked/expected me to pay for his DC. In fact, he and his ex-w both agreed it would be wrong as the DC were their responsibility. YABVU to expect him to contribute anything. I can’t see many future blokes wanting to do this either TBH.

Merryoldgoat · 07/05/2022 22:06

@Cocopogo

I looked at some of your prior posts. Not to catch you out but to see if I could get a bit of insight.

You know it’s time to call it a day. He treats you badly and it’s time for better.

Tschecked · 07/05/2022 22:08

I think YABU because he clearly doesn’t want the family relationship and commitment to your children that you are planning.

ohnodear · 07/05/2022 22:08

It's not 'paying for her DC', it's treating the woman he intends to marry (by his own admission he proposed, whether he felt pressured or not) and her children, which will become his step children! He's not contributing a weekly amount. He's not paying for their childcare. He's not paying for their after school activities. He's buying a meal every other week for the woman he has been with for three years, who he intends to marry, and her children!

BOOTS52 · 07/05/2022 22:09

He sounds like a right tight arse and just wants to live separately and have you on stand by. I really think you need to have a good long look at what you want for the future as he does not want to get married and do you. Why would he think buying a meal is such a big deal when he earns so much. Not what I would want in a relationship keeping tabs on who pays for what. He should be able to treat you for a meal without making a big deal about it.

hellrabbitishere · 07/05/2022 22:10

Itsmythreadandilldeleteifiwantto · 07/05/2022 21:26

@Grotbag81 get rid

You could equally say the same to any woman who said "My partner expects me to pay for his children because I earn more. He's pressurised/guilt-tripped me into agreeing to get engaged. He also wants me to act as a stepmother although I have no interest in playing that role."

It's more a case of differing needs and priorities, I would say.

yes you could it works both ways regardless of the sex , but i think the odd meal being payed for is a bit different from the threads iv seen on the step parents section where dads are expecting an op stepmum to be contributing a hundred quid towards birthday presents and the like . most dads are non residents so normally the step children arent there 100 percent of the time , in the ops case if they live together her kids will be , unless he seperates his fincances so he literally only pays for his food , and his share of the bills some of his money will be going towards her children even if its only contributing to a food shop or whatever

Beautiful3 · 07/05/2022 22:21

Honestly he doesn't sound like a nice guy. He doesn't accept your children, he begrudges buying them dinner. He isn't going to be a nice step father for them. I'd cut my losses and look for a better partner, preferably one that has a child (so understands your situation better).

3g4g5g · 07/05/2022 22:21

As they are not his children he shouldn't have to pay really. That said, I couldnt be with someone who doesn't see my children as part of the "package " so to speak. My children are a part of me and if someone wants me they have to want my children too. If they treat me well, they have to treat my children well too. Set the bar high for the sake of your dc. If you have to fight for them to be included and he is squabbling over having to pay for their meals pre-marriage I don't think this relationship is going to work. He's moaning about paying for their meals atm, next he might moan about paying for electricity/wifi/water they are using, where would it end.

alltheteeshirts · 07/05/2022 22:29

The only reason he should pay for them is if he actually marries you and you start living as a family.

However... it doesn't sound like he wants that. I don't think you're compatible, OP. You want a commitment. He wants a girlfriend.

hellrabbitishere · 07/05/2022 22:34

ssd · 07/05/2022 21:37

Sounds like he wants a shag and you want a meal ticket

thats a bit unnecessary , wanting a commitment from someone you have been seeing for 3 years doesnt equal wanting a meal ticket you know

Dundonian · 07/05/2022 22:40

If you were married, or living together, I think you would be right to expect joint finances as the 4 of you would be a household. It seems, though, as if your partner doesn't want that, if he's already moaning at paying for 2 meals a month. Would you want to be married to a man who wanted nothing to do with your kids, seeing them as completely separate to himself?