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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dp should contribute to my dc?

201 replies

Cocopogo · 07/05/2022 19:36

Been together three years, don’t live together, recently got engaged, DP recently bought his own place.
Since we got engaged I’ve been talking about us being more like a family. DP is avoiding this. He clearly doesn’t actually want to get married but proposed as I was considering walking away through his lack of commitment. Today he’s made a big fuss that started because he drove me to my house and I’d forgotten my key so had to drive me back to his and started moaning about fuel costs and I reminded him that I do all the driving except for Saturdays when he drives and he then went on how when we go out for meals he pays for 3 people (me and dc) and I pay for 1 (him) even though we both pay for 4.
Basically see’s my dc as not his responsibility. I pointed out that he earns over twice as much as me and we have similar outgoings except I pay for everything else for my dc except you be meal a week which we alternate.

Even as I write this it all seems petty to me but he was so annoyed. Should he contribute to the DC or should it always be separate?

OP posts:
Monty27 · 07/05/2022 22:45

I wouldn't have a person like that as a partner let alone stepfather and present in my DC's lives to such a degree. Nowhere even near in fact.

BoredZelda · 07/05/2022 22:51

He’s not wrong. But he is twat.

user1473878824 · 07/05/2022 22:55

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

user1473878824 · 07/05/2022 22:56

Oh god wrong thread, sorry!

Pickabearanybear · 07/05/2022 22:57

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Booboobibles · 07/05/2022 23:07

Gosh there are some strange attitudes on here!

Of course he’s not obligated to pay for meals for your children but he’s chosen a woman with children and you come as a package. It’s not the most attractive behaviour is it? In the end, this relationship is going to hurt your kids….or you’ll be absolutely exhausted trying to protect them from being hurt. And you’ll be resentful and guilty and no longer feel any affection towards your partner. He’s being very petty and mean.

TheMamaYo · 07/05/2022 23:09

If I had to pay for my boyfriend’s children all
the time, I’d not be happy. He is not your husband/ their father. YABU

AlmostAJillSandwich · 07/05/2022 23:13

He is being unreasonable, you and your DC come as a package and he knew that when you got involved together.
I've been in a relationship for 18 months with my partner who has a dc, and despite not having met him yet (partner only gets weekends so i let them have quality time together) i happily split costs of birthday/christmas presents and would happily contribute to day to day costs also if there was anything he needed, clothes etc. You date a parent, you accept the child like they're your own imo.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 07/05/2022 23:36

Does he want to be a shag on the side, or does he want to be part of a family? Sounds like he's already chosen option no 1, so treat him like that.

Branleuse · 07/05/2022 23:51

I think this is something that different couples do differently. I think id percieve that to be a bit tight if we were living together, but since youre not, hes probably not wanting to be a stepdad.

Bunty55 · 08/05/2022 00:04

I don't understand why you got engaged to a man with red flagitis. He's mean with money and he won't change. In fact he's short changed you.

girlmom21 · 08/05/2022 07:20

Branleuse · 07/05/2022 23:51

I think this is something that different couples do differently. I think id percieve that to be a bit tight if we were living together, but since youre not, hes probably not wanting to be a stepdad.

Then he shouldn't propose to a woman with kids

Orchidsonthetable · 08/05/2022 07:32

Out of curiousty op, are your kids always there when you got out for dinner? The way it’s written it seems that way. Do you not go out without them?

ilovemyboys3 · 08/05/2022 07:36

Personally if you don't even live together then I can understand why he feels this way. Once you live together as a "family" then finances are pooled somewhat and then it makes sense to split bills or meals and bills to come out of joint finances.
Me and my partner have a house, our own children (I have 1 and he has 2) from previous relationships and two DC together. We pool our money together and it all ends up in our joint account and everything is spent from there. Everything is split. It's not, oh you have one more child than I do.
So what I'm saying is.. unless you move in, buy a house and share all your money then no he shouldn't be expected to pay for your children.

Gizacluethen · 08/05/2022 07:40

As your boyfriend, no he doesn't.
But as your husband, he shouldn't be quibbling over paying for your child. I couldn't marry a man who resented my child anything.

Branleuse · 08/05/2022 08:30

girlmom21 · 08/05/2022 07:20

Then he shouldn't propose to a woman with kids

Show quote history

well, quite. Its ridiculous when people cant just say

Sswhinesthebest · 08/05/2022 08:37

So you got engaged, then he bought a house?

Shouldn’t that be a joint decision, looking to the future?

I think it’s lay your cards on the table time, with a view to it probably being the end of the road.

Whisp3r · 08/05/2022 08:40

He doesn't sound that keen. He's complaining about paying for kids' meals and about wasting petrol on driving you to your house. You aren't even living together yet and he is moaning about little expenses and inconveniences he resents you for. I think you would be better off leaving him to it. You can hardly marry a man who is already angry about the unfairness of having paid for your kids' meals a few times. You can hardly bring him into your house to live with your children.

Fireflygal · 08/05/2022 08:41

@AlmostAJillSandwich, Do you pay towards gifts for dc when you haven't even met them? If so that's way too much.

Op, did you apologise for forgetting your key...I would be quite annoyed if my partner did that and then got defensive and rather than apologise shifted the topic to what he pays for.

If you are engaged with the plan to marry then sharing some finances is a trial for living together. Clearly you're not on the same path so be grateful you found out before marriage and moving in together.

C152 · 08/05/2022 09:23

Time to cut your losses here, isn't it? It sounds like you both want different things. He only got engaged because you threatened to walk away; you're engaged but you don't live together and he's just bought a separate property; he doesn't seem to recognise that you and your kids come as a package deal.

What will life be like if you do eventually get married? How will finances and responsibilities be shared? Because it sounds like he's not actually into a 'family' life. If you're happy to have a 'friend with benefits' relationship with this man, that is absolutely fine (I genuinely mean that, it can be great fun!), but if you're looking for a partner to share your entire life, including being there for your children, it doesn't sound like he's the one.

Fishwishy · 08/05/2022 09:27

He needs to run whilst he is not married. Women who start demanding men pay more just because they earn more are usually trouble and start demanding more like this paying for children that aren't even his.

Skyeheather · 08/05/2022 09:28

You and your DC's father should be paying for them, your current partner should not have to pay when you don't even live together.

Do you not get maintenance from your DC's father?

LoisLane66 · 08/05/2022 09:28

@cecilthehungryspider
I'd like to pick up on this point made by the above poster
'What kind of a relationship is it where you have all the extra expenses of children on a much lower income?'
Well, that's not his fault is it?
Is he supposed to pick up the slack between his income and hers? That will cause resentment.
What about the children's father. Does he make any contributions towards their expenses which should include more than just the basics.
If the dad doesn't contribute, why should a b/f pick up the tab for a man who doesn't stump up? He has no natural love for these children and she has given an ultimatum re marriage.
Not the best start nor will it be the best outcome. You can take a horse to water but can't make it drink.
I hope both parties split before it gets ugly.

Copperpottle · 08/05/2022 10:28

MarJau26 · 07/05/2022 19:43

Why are you so keen for this man that doesn't treat you well. You had to force him into proposing, he is actually complaining about your DC and yet you still choose him? Come on, you're a mother. Why put your DC second best here? He bought his own place, intentions for what? He has an issue for paying for their meals, you really think you made a good choice for their stepfather?

This. He's a crap boyfriend, not a stepfather. Please put your kids first. I've met many young adults damaged by the revolting men their mothers dragged into their lives.

Copperpottle · 08/05/2022 10:30

Although actually reading it back you do sound like you're just after a walking wallet, and he'd do well to end things. Your kids are your responsibility. You can't go seeking out men to pay for them.

Whole relationship sounds dysfunctional really.