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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend is coming to visit me - she invited her boyfriend, without asking me….

199 replies

TooManyAllergies · 06/05/2022 16:28

She was supposed to stay at my place for the weekend.
The bf is pretty new thing, I’ve met him once.

Now I have bad history with men and I have a boundary that I don’t want men in my appartment.

She went and asked him if he wanted to come along for the weekend, he said yes, but I was never asked.

Now what do I do?
I know she’s going to be upset if I tell her not to bring him.
She’s always been very boy crazy.

OP posts:
PleasantBirthday · 06/05/2022 16:30

Does she know that he will have to stay elsewhere? Like, does she know you have this rule (asking out of curiosity, she shouldn't have invited him to your home for the weekend regardless).

FiveNineFive · 06/05/2022 16:30

Tell her not to bring him. It's her problem if she gets upset, not yours.

iheartmybeachhut · 06/05/2022 16:30

It's a hotel if bf is coming along. If she gets offended tough, she's not friend.

Boood · 06/05/2022 16:32

Is the idea of offending her after she has crossed the normal line of politeness and consideration and carried on for a bit more upsetting than the prospect of having a strange man in your apartment AND your plans for that weekend completely changed?

iheartmybeachhut · 06/05/2022 16:32

Apart from that won't it change the dynamic if her guy is in tow? If she's 'boy crazy' the couple bit might be a bit full on.

Shinyandnew1 · 06/05/2022 16:33

How did you find out she’s invited him? You need to say, ‘there’s been a misunderstanding-It was just supposed to be the two of us, sorry-would you rather rearrange?’

Ohsoworried · 06/05/2022 16:34

Boy crazy? How old is she? Just tell her no. She might get annoyed but just keep telling yourself that you are entirely justified, because you are!

BaaMoon · 06/05/2022 16:35

Shinyandnew1 · 06/05/2022 16:33

How did you find out she’s invited him? You need to say, ‘there’s been a misunderstanding-It was just supposed to be the two of us, sorry-would you rather rearrange?’

Yes say this.

Or just say WTF?? Just you not your latest squeeze.

Beamur · 06/05/2022 16:35

Boood · 06/05/2022 16:32

Is the idea of offending her after she has crossed the normal line of politeness and consideration and carried on for a bit more upsetting than the prospect of having a strange man in your apartment AND your plans for that weekend completely changed?

Yes!
Just be honest. The bf isn't part of the deal.
Let her uninvite him.

MangoJuice008 · 06/05/2022 16:35

Just tell her you're unhappy about her boyfriend coming but if she insists there's x hotel nearby.

BaaMoon · 06/05/2022 16:35

How rude you don't just invite someone else along. Cheeky moo.

PinkSyCo · 06/05/2022 16:37

How rude of your friend to invite her boyfriend along without getting the ok from you first! Even if you didn’t have any issues with men, her bringing him would change the whole dynamic of the weekend and I wouldn’t be happy either. Tell her she comes alone or she needn’t bother. Who cares if it makes the cheeky fucker upset?

hellrabbitishere · 06/05/2022 16:37

well there are only two choices really , one is being honest and telling her you dont want him to come and of course risk her kicking off which could of course mean she wont come and your friendship could be damaged . and that depends on how much her friendship means to you if you want to risk it , or the other is to tell a lie , invent some reason why the weekend has to be cancelled , your mum has been taken ill and you need to go to her place to care for her , work has had a crisis and needs you in on sat all day , you have fallen and hurt your back so badly you can hardly walk and are bedridden . this will get you out of it without any kickoff obviously , im the master of lies to get out of shit and personally id go for a good excuse/lie why your so sorry , but you have to cancel , but its down to you at the end of the day , i do understand why your not happy . if your single then its a bit much for her to bring along a bloke you have only met once , if you had a partner yourself living with you it would be different , but i think its bad form for her to want to drag him along as well knowing you live alone if thats the case , i wouldnt have ever suggested a boyfriend of mine came for a weekend if i was visiting a single friend

worriedaboutmoney2022 · 06/05/2022 16:37

Just tell her no
End of

PleasantBirthday · 06/05/2022 16:38

A text will do it. Friend, there's been a misunderstanding, I think. I can't accommodate a couple in my flat. There's x hotel close by and hopefully we can meet for drinks on Saturday! Love, Me.

Original poster
TooManyAllergies · 06/05/2022 16:38

Thanks for the answers.

The thing is, she’s going to be mopey and don’t want to listen if I say no.
I’m making her sound horrible, but I’ve also been kind of a doormat often, so it’s just our dynamic I guess.

@PleasantBirthday
She does know that I spend as little time as possible around men and I’ve said no man will ever live with me again.

And yeah, I’m also afraid it would be more of a couples weekend, me third wheeling.

OP posts:
MoltenLasagne · 06/05/2022 16:39

It's gone from being a girls' weekend to you being the third wheel, that alone would have me rearranging.

Wetblanket78 · 06/05/2022 16:40

She should have asked you first if it was ok to ask him. But I wouldn't be happy with a man I don't know staying in my home. Tell her if he's coming he has to stay somewhere else or they stay in a hotel. The other option is she just tells him you don't want someone staying in your home you don't know so she's just going to go on her own.

Original poster
TooManyAllergies · 06/05/2022 16:40

Shinyandnew1 · 06/05/2022 16:33

How did you find out she’s invited him? You need to say, ‘there’s been a misunderstanding-It was just supposed to be the two of us, sorry-would you rather rearrange?’

She just texted me saying she and ’bf’s name’ can’t wait to come over.

OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 06/05/2022 16:40

explain you don't want men in the flat but if she still wants to bring him then best stay a hotel and you'll all meet up for a lunch/night out.

(if a friend said no men in the flat, i'd assume there was a bad history in the past and respect that, though you'd expect a friend would already know of this)

MatildaTheCat · 06/05/2022 16:40

So, she’s been unbelievably rude by inviting a virtual stranger (to you) to stay in your home but you don’t want to upset her despite this being very upsetting to you?

Im going to be tough…don’t be such a wet blanket and tell her it’s a no!

’Hi Kate, I’m afraid we have slightly crossed wires about your visit. I’m really looking forward to catching up with you but I wasn’t inviting Dave too. I’m not comfortable with having men at my place so unfortunately it just wouldn’t work for me. I hope you will come anyway, love @TooManyAllergies ‘

ThinWomansBrain · 06/05/2022 16:40

rude CF - changes the dynamic, regardless of whrther you want him in your home or not.
Remind her you'd just invited her, she should have had the courtesy to ask first, and No, it isn't OK, is she going to uninvite him, or arrange another weekend when she visits solo?

MangoJuice008 · 06/05/2022 16:41

@TooManyAllergies just reply "that's a shame, I was looking forward to a girly weekend. We will have to rearrange for another time."

DashboardConfessional · 06/05/2022 16:41

If you put up with it now, you're resigning yourself to every visit with boyfriend, and the next boyfriend too!

Original poster
TooManyAllergies · 06/05/2022 16:41

Ohsoworried · 06/05/2022 16:34

Boy crazy? How old is she? Just tell her no. She might get annoyed but just keep telling yourself that you are entirely justified, because you are!

We’re late 20’s, but I just meant that her boyfriends (or being single) is often a big part of her personality.

Honestly, she’s lovely, it’s just this thing.

OP posts: