Friend is coming to visit me - she invited her boyfriend, without asking me….

[TooManyAllergies]

She was supposed to stay at my place for the weekend.
The bf is pretty new thing, I’ve met him once.

Now I have bad history with men and I have a boundary that I don’t want men in my appartment.

She went and asked him if he wanted to come along for the weekend, he said yes, but I was never asked.

Now what do I do?
I know she’s going to be upset if I tell her not to bring him.
She’s always been very boy crazy.

This reminds me of a friend of mine who I lost touch with after she moved abroad. After a year of no contact she reappeared looking to ‘reconnect’ when she came over to the UK. Suggested a few days at mine. Was already about to turn her down as we don’t have the space when she slipped in she was bringing her new boyfriend of a couple of months. I have three children and would no more invite a strange man to overnight than chop a toe off. Said as much and never heard from her again. I guess she found somewhere else to base her holiday with the boyfriend from. No idea.

I'm sorry she's bailed on you but I hope you are proud of yourself for being firm about him not coming. If you're the sort of person that struggles to stand up for yourself then this is a pretty big deal.

Either she's nasty or he is extremely controlling and won't let her go without him

@TooManyAllergies - you can't have it both ways. She's crossed a line, you need to say no and stop making excuses for her.

Honestly she's not lovely if she is going to be mopey and not want to listen. Its easy, say no.

luckylavender and godmum56 you might want to read at least the last couple of pages of the thread before you post.

Good on you OP.

I think it’s really the dynamic that we’ve always had.
She’s very outgoing, assertive kind of person.
It used to work, because I’m really shy, quiet and honestly I wouldn’t have experienced lot of the things (good things) if she hadn’t pretty much kicked my ass to do it.

That’s also the reason why I said she’s lovely, I own her a lot.
It was really just this time and bringing the bf that made me nervous.
I really don’t want this man in my home, thank you for those of you who’d said they wouldn’t be okey with it either.

Few of you wondered if he’s controlling, of course you’ll never know, but I really think she’s just excited about a new man, they tend to come big part of her life very fast.

sorry she's let you down but i still think it's a better outcome than her trampling all over your boundaries and you spending the weekend as a third wheel - hope you can find something else fun to do.

Alright, I took your advice, mustered up all my courage and texted her clearly how I don’t want a man in my home - even her bf and how we had planned the weekend to be just us.
There was a little back and forth how he’s a nice guy and I should trust him and how it would be nice time to get to know him better.

Ain't she a peach!
She heard your entirely valid boundary (that she already knew about but ignored as it inconvenienced her) and tried her best to break it. Then ditched your confirmed weekend, at no notice, for a new man. Nice.
She is breathtakingly self-centred - not a word about your distress or respect for you & your home - just all about her, & how you should give her what she wants.

well held btw! I bet you feel so relieved, you should be damn proud of yourself.
Longstanding unhealthy friendship dynamics can be very hard to challenge.
If you pm me her number, I'll send her the follow up text she deserves if you like [JOKE] 😈

Well done OP. If you're used to giving way it can be hard to stand your ground so again, well done.

"There was a little back and forth how he’s a nice guy and I should trust him and how it would be nice time to get to know him better."
That was crap of her. Pushing when you'd said no. Your consent is not hers to give, nor is your trust at her command.

Well done
You did the right thing and I don't think many people would even suggest they should bring their new man to stay with a lone female friend when it's a girls weekend.
Because it's not a bloody accepting to do!
She is a pretty selfish friend. Keep practicing putting those big girl pants on and kicking that doormat 😊

Give yourself a big pat on the back OP, because you deserve it !

Each time you assert your boundaries it gets easier, so keep doing it.

Yup!
and ... THIS - www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208 - an excellent book, 'golden oldie' & I think you'll love it OP xx

Friend or no friend I would just tell her we will have to do this another time and tell her your unwell with a bug and just cancel and don’t re arrange. No decent friend would just invite someone without asking first if it’s convenient. It will just make things awkward and a whole weekend can seem like a lifetime when your not happy.

well done op

there should t have been back and forth after you said you didn't want him as if she's a good friend and considerate person she would have said she's so sorry for the misunderstanding and maybe had some shame about inviting someone to your home

This woman was never your friend, op. A real friend would never be so rude, and if she cared about your feelings she would still be coming to visit. You're better off without her.

Absolutely this.

exactly this!

well done OP for sticking to your guns - I’m sure she is a lovely friend really (you’ve obviously got history together) and she will only respect you more for sticking up for yourself in future.
Shame you’re not going to have the weekend you expected but at least expectations are now clear for when you do rearrange

100% this.

As soon as you offer an excuse/reason this gives cheeky fuckers an angle to cover back and wheedle. Nope nope nope. 🖕

She can come on her own as arranged or not bother.

Sorry she’s actually one of THOSE type of ‘friends’ - I use that term loosely. But hey, go you. You stood for your values and needs. Well done!

No way would I let some dude I don’t know stay in my home! She’s incredibly rude (and kind of a bully) for arranging this without even asking you.

Tell her no. It’s very easy. Eg cut and paste this text. “Hi, I didn’t realise you were planning to bring your boyfriend! I have a firm no men rule for my home (because of past bad experiences) and anyway I’d much rather meet up with it just the two of us so we can catch up properly - am sure you understand that being the third wheel to a ciuple isn’t much fun. When is a different weekend when you can come alone?”

Then whatever her objections are just say “sorry that doesn’t work for me. Would still love to catch up, but as a two - aren’t you allowed to do anything without him?!”

*come back and wheedle

I'm so so so proud of you OP!! Well done 💕