Friend is coming to visit me - she invited her boyfriend, without asking me….

[TooManyAllergies]

She was supposed to stay at my place for the weekend.
The bf is pretty new thing, I’ve met him once.

Now I have bad history with men and I have a boundary that I don’t want men in my appartment.

She went and asked him if he wanted to come along for the weekend, he said yes, but I was never asked.

Now what do I do?
I know she’s going to be upset if I tell her not to bring him.
She’s always been very boy crazy.

When did she tell you this? She cannot unilaterally change things. She has offended you by making an assumption so why is is not ok to ‘offend’ her.

Please tell her there’s been a misunderstanding. He’s a very nice man or glad she’s happy etc but you have made a pact with yourself that you aren’t having men to stay in your home at the moment. This has nothing to do with him personally. If she is a true friend she will understand.

You could suggest she sees him this weekend, she’s obviously keen on him and you can rearrange when she’s free.

she’s going to be mopey and don’t want to listen if I say no.

What are you suggesting, then? That you don’t say anything, and let them both come? Let her be mopey, or rude, or angry. It doesn’t matter, if she’s knows you feel like this, she’s no friend.

I wpuld accept i'd feel a bit third wheel if out with a new couple but thats okay, I'd suck it up rather than say NO, come on your own. Unless we had particular plans that need 2 rather than 3 people.

she would get uninvited asap, and told very firmly why
bugger your worried if she gets offended, bloody cheeky cow is trying to take advantage

does she know about your rule?(your place your rule even if people tell you its silly)
i would nip this visit in the bud now and cancel asap and dont let her talk you round as if she does bring him your going to be uncomfortable and its your bloody place, so why should you be made to, and if she come alone she's going to be nasty to you and have a attitude so either way its not going to be a nice weekend

She just texted me saying she and ’bf’s name’ can’t wait to come over.

Oh dear. That won't be possible, I'm afraid. Where are you guys staying? Maybe we can have brunch tomorrow.

Text her back and say " wdym, i thought it was a girls weekend, sorry i didnt realise you already had company, lets rearrange for when youre free as i dont have men in my flat, and def not ones i dont know extremely well"

I have similar difficulties setting boundaries and can be a massive people pleaser so I understand how awkward you are probably feeling. But if it's going to make you feel this way you definitely need to have an honest conversation with her. Even if she is a bit put out she will get over it if she is a real friend

Either assert yourself or accept her bf is staying too.
Pretty simple really.

She knows you don’t like spending time with men yet invited her boyfriend without asking you?

Lovely friends don’t do this. She is not lovely.

Stupid boyfriend more likely, how could a practical stranger like him think it's ok to visit with two females and stay in YOUR flat? That kind of behaviour is not normal or right IMV, making you the cuckoo in the nest. Honestly some men!

For that reason alone, leave friend out of it for now, I would totally say no and that's that. Friend may have encouraged him, but still.....

Now you say "Sorry, I haven't invited him and he can't come to stay at my place. "

You don't need to offer any explanation other than "It's my house and you should have asked first."

She must have hide like a rhino to be so rude and inconsiderate, so no need to worry about her feelings being hurt.

well you need to text back and either cancel it with some shit or tell her you werent planning on him coming as well and ask her if hes staying in a hotel like another poster has suggested as he cant stay at your flat
the longer you put it off the more you will stew on it so id get it over with personally , if she gets mopey so what , its only on the phone , shes not in your flat sulking ,once you put the phone down thats it done , no more moping , or just text it even easier

she’s going to be mopey and don’t want to listen if I say no.

Stop saying she's lovely. Lovely people don't behave like entitled little shits when other adults have clear boundaries. Lovely people don't disrespect their friends choices. Lovely people don't invited their boyfriend to someone's home let alone someone who doesn't want men there in their space.

She. Is. Not. Lovely.

Tell her no. If she is arsey about it then she's welcome to piss off and moan to her boyfriend.

Honestly in my late 20s I shed so many rubbish friends and while it was painful at the time it was a great decision. Liberating as fuck.

I would recommend it!

Very rude of her.

I'd cancel the whole thing. Say you've done a positive LFT.

”dear friend I do not feel comfortable with a man I barely know coming into my safe space especially following my previous experiences. I am happy to host you or to meet you both for a meal/drink”

Just text back and say that you're sorry but you don't want her boyfriend round.
Your going to have to be honest here.

Stop being trodden on. She knows she's being rude but she clearly wants to show him off and have another shagging opportunity.

If she kicks off /declines to come then you know where you stand.
If you're good friends then surely she would know your ' no men in my apartment' rule.

Please don't cave, a true friend would understand.

Exactly, stop being a doormat. She does this because she know you won't say anything. I honestly don't have friends like these, I can't imagine my friends doing such a disrespectful thing. You need to say something or do nothing but don't complain.

I could not be arsed with that. Say you dont have space for them both

That's incredibly rude of her.
I would cancel the weekend

You say you have form, does she ignore your wishes quite often?

I agree, no one lovely would invite a stranger to come inland stay in your home without checking.

Have you replied? I understand not wanting to rock the boat (although she obviously doesn't care about upsetting you) I'd probably say something like,

"didn't realise you had plans with bf this weekend, let me know when you are free and we can rearrange our girls only weekend to another time"

Makes it clear you are cancelling this weekend and that you were expecting it to be just you and her.

I'd have to cancel it.
Seems like they have trust issues if you ask me. And you shouldn't have to accommodate her boyfriend if they can't trust each other to do things alone.

Just say you weren't expecting him to come and rearrange another time when she's on her own.

Probably something like this friend 'would you like to come to toomanyallergies house with me for the weekend' boyfriend 'sure that sounds fun' why would he think his gf had not cleared it with her friend first!

Just tell you friend, you're not comfortable with having her bf or any man in your house. She really should have asked you before hand! Bit weird that she didnt!!

Just pull up your big girl pants and tell her that the invitation is for her, not her plus one.

My point was that the bf is stupid if he thinks a weekend with 2 females one of whom he doesn't know would be "fun". How so? Must have hide like a rhino to assume anything. Or fancies swinging.

Most people have this boundary, that they don't want randoms, particularly men, in their home.
She is really weird. Just disinvestment and do something else that weekend!