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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend is coming to visit me - she invited her boyfriend, without asking me….

199 replies

TooManyAllergies · 06/05/2022 16:28

She was supposed to stay at my place for the weekend.
The bf is pretty new thing, I’ve met him once.

Now I have bad history with men and I have a boundary that I don’t want men in my appartment.

She went and asked him if he wanted to come along for the weekend, he said yes, but I was never asked.

Now what do I do?
I know she’s going to be upset if I tell her not to bring him.
She’s always been very boy crazy.

OP posts:
Swayingpalmtrees · 06/05/2022 18:13

She knows exactly what she is doing - moreover she knows you are not going to call her out, so she has now got a free romantic weekend away all expenses paid for.

Op don't be a mug! Just say 'Dear friend, I was really looking forward to spending the weekend together, but it looks like you have made other plans with your new bf. Please can you let me know what weekends you are free and we can rearrange x'

Kite22 · 06/05/2022 18:17

Branleuse · 06/05/2022 16:45

Text her back and say " wdym, i thought it was a girls weekend, sorry i didnt realise you already had company, lets rearrange for when youre free as i dont have men in my flat, and def not ones i dont know extremely well"

This is perfect.

Don't pretend you have COVID, or ask to rearrange - she'll just do the same next time.
Be clear what you are saying.

Beelezebub · 06/05/2022 18:20

TooManyAllergies · 06/05/2022 16:40

She just texted me saying she and ’bf’s name’ can’t wait to come over.

Show quote history

Well that’s easy then.

“I only invited you!”

Bananalanacake · 06/05/2022 18:21

I would be worried he's controlling and won't let her see friends alone.

Luckymummytoone · 06/05/2022 18:24

My ‘friend’ did this once, but invited her bf AND his friend! After I would have just finished a nightshift too! I cancelled the whole thing 😂

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 06/05/2022 18:26

@TooManyAllergies - I agree with the posters who have said you need to be direct, and sooner rather than later.

”Hi friend - I’m afraid your boyfriend cannot come and stay here - I am not prepared to have a man I do not know in my home. I thought we were having a girly weekend, just the two of us, and don’t really want to play gooseberry all weekend, so we need to rearrange the weekend for a time when you can come on your own. Hugs, @TooManyAllergies “

CockSpadget · 06/05/2022 18:27

Yep, she's being selfish and very inconsiderate. At least you know now, and have time to tell her it's not on, rather than them just turning up on your doorstep together. However, If she's one of these that get totally consumed with new relationships (which is how she sounds) expect her to cancel.

Phobiaphobic · 06/05/2022 18:27

Jesus H Christ, what's with the crazy friends on MN??? Of course she should have asked you first. Just say no, for chrissakes.

Marblessolveeverything · 06/05/2022 18:32

You are not being unreasonable clicked wrong yabu option. Your friend is being a twit you don't invite be others home.

SomersetONeil · 06/05/2022 18:36

YANBU.

So… what are you going to do?

Either you have this boundary, or you don’t.

supadupapupascupa · 06/05/2022 18:40

If I were you I would cancel. Just come up with a reason. Tell her you will rearrange another time. She may get the hint she may not.

Then when you rearrange ensure she understands it's a girls only weekend.

RampantIvy · 06/05/2022 18:43

Bananalanacake · 06/05/2022 18:21

I would be worried he's controlling and won't let her see friends alone.

TBH this occurred to me as well. I agree that you need to suggest you rearrange for when she is free (and hasn't made arrangements to see her boyfriend).

Please don't be a doormat over this.

iknowthismuchis · 06/05/2022 18:44

You have to tel her. You matter. You're acting like you don't. If she's a good friend she will understand. She knows you won't stop her because she'll be mopey.

Riverlee · 06/05/2022 18:46

Reply to her text as suggested above.

Say that you understood it was to be a girls weekend and that you’re not able to accommodate bf as well. If she gets huffy, then so be it - that’s her problem.

if she insists on bf as well, then rearrange the visit to a neutral area - pub lunch for example.

custardbear · 06/05/2022 18:47

How about you just tell her Aahh ok I didn't realise you wanted to spend the weekend with your boyfriend, so perhaps we should do another time when we can have a girls weekend

Asimhereanyway · 06/05/2022 18:47

Shinyandnew1 · 06/05/2022 16:33

How did you find out she’s invited him? You need to say, ‘there’s been a misunderstanding-It was just supposed to be the two of us, sorry-would you rather rearrange?’

Send that in a text.

StationaryMagpie · 06/05/2022 18:51

"why is he excited, i only invited you?"

TolkiensFallow · 06/05/2022 18:53

If you can’t be bothered to confront it, text her and say you have food poisoning. Then just don’t invite her again.

RedHorsesAreDangerous · 06/05/2022 18:54

Lovely, is she? Does she often land complete strangers on you like this?? He could be an axe murderer, for God's sake. They can stay in a B&B. Or a tent. Not with you. (Borne of many years of putting up with ars*hole boyfriends of now-ex-friends.)

NumberTheory · 06/05/2022 18:57

Find a bit of anger, OP. This is incredibly entitled of her and shows a huge disregard for you.

Stop being so cowardly about your own boundaries and preferences. It won’t do you or your friendship and favours in the long run.

Nesbo · 06/05/2022 18:58

I can’t bear these scenarios which involve someone desperately fretting and tying themselves up in knots at the thought of upsetting/inconveniencing/disappointing someone who clearly doesn’t give if a shit about doing the same to them. It is such an unequal and unhealthy dynamic.

Your feelings are just as valid as theirs and just as deserving of consideration.

Coldnoseandtoes · 06/05/2022 18:58

I cant believe the cheek of her. I'd tell her you'd like to meet her new bf, of course, but you're not comfortable having a stranger stay overnight. She should obviously have asked first. She may very well be pissed off, but she's no right to, and a decent friend wouldn't have invited her boyfriend over like this anyway.

SpindleInTheWind · 06/05/2022 19:00

You have 3 options

  1. Put up with it
  2. Ask her not to bring him
  3. Cancel the weekend, possibly with a false declaration of hideous covid / flu / salmonella, while you locate a backbone in order to have a future conversation about just inviting her on her own
SomersetONeil · 06/05/2022 19:01

Nesbo · 06/05/2022 18:58

I can’t bear these scenarios which involve someone desperately fretting and tying themselves up in knots at the thought of upsetting/inconveniencing/disappointing someone who clearly doesn’t give if a shit about doing the same to them. It is such an unequal and unhealthy dynamic.

Your feelings are just as valid as theirs and just as deserving of consideration.

My God, this ^^

With bells on.

All this tip-toeing around and walking on eggshells - for someone who it wouldn’t even occur to tip-toe, or be considerate.

It’s all so pathetic nonsensical.

tortadicarote · 06/05/2022 19:02

I'd phrase it as a misunderstanding, but only contact her when you know your bottom line. In other words, either you'll let him come or not. Don't let her guilt you into something you don't want or make you feel so awkward that you just give in. You are not being unreasonable to have your own house rules, and she's being very cheeky to try to change things up without asking you. Including her boyfriend that you barely know will change things, and she shouldn't have done that without checking with you first.