Friend is coming to visit me - she invited her boyfriend, without asking me….

[TooManyAllergies]

She was supposed to stay at my place for the weekend.
The bf is pretty new thing, I’ve met him once.

Now I have bad history with men and I have a boundary that I don’t want men in my appartment.

She went and asked him if he wanted to come along for the weekend, he said yes, but I was never asked.

Now what do I do?
I know she’s going to be upset if I tell her not to bring him.
She’s always been very boy crazy.

I would cancel. No way would I be spending a whole weekend with a couple unless I knew them both well and enjoyed both of their company. Especially not with my boy crazy friend and her new boyfriend.

An honest conversation is probably best but if you can't face it then just say you're ill.

Let her be mopey, she can't just invite someone you don't know to your place like that without asking, not to mention turning an arranged friends weekend into a couple plus one.

Text her back then 'erm...why is he excited about you coming to mine for the weekend?'

“Boy crazy” how old are you!?
If she’s a friend and she understands your situation (the total ban on men in your flat and your intention never to live with a man again strike me as fairly extreme views) then she will come alone. If she gets mopey she’s not a friend. If you’re still teenagers as I suspect you are (from the “boy crazy” thing) then it’s hard to see this kind of thing for what it is.

Sorry….I just need to remind you about my gut instinct not to have men in my flat after my recent upsetting experiences. I haven’t changed my mind on that and still feel strongly about it. So I’d prefer us to reschedule our girly weekend if possible …just the two of us. Please tell your bf that it’s nothing personal and I hope he understands.

Just cancel it. Her BF being there changes the whole weekend.

Best thing is to be assertive and tell her you don't want him there. I'd probably cancel the weekend though. I'm not sure I'd particularly want him to be part of it at all.

"dear friend, sorry but bf isn't invited, I understand if you want to cancel"

Now what do I do?

You say, or message her, exactly what you told us.
"Friend - you know I have bad history with men and I have a boundary that I don’t want men in my appartment.
This invitation was just for you - are you still coming, or do you need to choose a different date?"

I know she’s going to be upset if I tell her not to bring him.
FFS! Stop doormatting!
She knows that you get upset about the thought of men in your apartment.
It hasn't stopped her from inviting one, without your invitation - or even knowledge - & expecting you to suck it up.

Seriously - just get the CF told.
She'll cancel btw, because she is "boy crazy" & will prioritise her latest shag over you. Small loss. You'll find out if she's actually your mate if she eventually remembers her manners, apologises, & arranges to come & stay with you on her own. If she can't do that, she's sold out the sisterhood, & you can just leave her to chase cock while you focus on genuine friends.

If she knows your feelings on men in your apartment then I expect she knows you will cancel. She doesn't want to be seen to choose boyfriend over friend, but that is what she wants to do. Awful behaviour.

Just cancel. Tell her to let you know when she's free to rearrange.

Honestly, she’s lovely, it’s just this thing - except for when The thing is, she’s going to be mopey and don’t want to listen if I say no.

No she isn't lovely. She seems it because you've been a doormat and gone along with her and never said no. I bet she loves having a friend who, if she says jump, asks how high.

This is your line in the sand OP. It would be rude as hell for her to invite her Bf under any circumstances, but this goes beyond even that. THIS is the time you tell her no. And if she sulks and ends the friendship over it, then you've seen her true colours. She cares more about her own wants than your needs.

No sorrys, no if buts, no excuses.

hi Jane as you know I do not have men in my flat. No exceptions. I did not invite Mark to stay with me.

id be delighted to see you on your own. If that doesn’t suit I’ll see you another time.

Even if you tell her not to bring the bf,you know shes just going to turn up with him anyway.

Just cancel and meet somewhere neutral the next time you meet.

You’re basically going to cook and clean up after this new couple all weekend.

Text her now saying you thought it was just going to be a girly weekend (I know girly is cringe) abs that as she has now made plans with bf, it’s best to cancel and re-arrange.

She has behaved badly here. Don’t let her get away with it.

YANBU how rude of her. Tell her she's invited but not him as it changes the dynamic.

Tel her youve got covid and are cancelling if you cant bring yourself to stand up to her

“Hi friend, where did the idea that your boyfriend was invited spring from? I’m sure he’s lovely but I was expecting a girls weekend. Also, you know I am uncomfortable with men in my apartment. Be lovely to meet him at some stage, but let me know if you would rather rearrange this weekend than leave him at home… no worries if that is what you would prefer”

I hope you've responded with 'Your boyfriend wasn't invited. And I have no intention of playing gooseberry in my own home.'

She is beyond a cheeky fucker to do this to you. She must be aware that you "have a boundary that I don’t want men in my appartment." and why, so where the hell does she get off in trampling your very reasonable boundary?

Tough shit if "she’s going to be mopey and don’t want to listen" , say no anyway!

"And yeah, I’m also afraid it would be more of a couples weekend"
and that makes is doubly unacceptable. Your home is not her shag pad, and you need to make that very clear to her. She comes alone or not at all. Personally I'd be plumping for 'not at all' and withdrawing the invitation completely.

Just text back saying 'great, which hotel are you staying in'?

Please don't say your friend is lovely op, she isnt, she is trampling all over your feelings to get her own way.

Respond in a way that's clear and direct:
The invitation was for you and not for anyone else in addition.
If your BF comes he'll have to stay elsewhere, let me know if you'd like suggestions of where that could conveniently be.

Once you start giving reasons your friend is likely to see it as an opening for a negotiation, and there'll be irrelevant explanations about how nice the BF is.

It's not her shout to invite someone else. So cheeky to presume it is.

You can tell her you don't want him at your home. She will either be fine with this or she will be annoyed. You don't have anything to lose here

Is she the type that can't spend a weekend without her new boyfriend?