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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell you to read this if you're considering a 3rd child

352 replies

unhappychaos · 06/05/2022 11:52

NC for obvious reasons.

I have 3 kids really close in age. DC3 wasn't planned, we had twins on our second go.

I hate having 3. It's constant chaos. I'm always needed, they constantly compete for my attention. They all want to sit next to me for meals, that's not possible. Bedtime stories, same thing. The scrambling and turn-taking does my head in - we can never relax. DH is around and does lots with them but that's not the point. I want to be able to make my children happy without help, to listen to them properly and not always have to ask one of them to wait or to go to Daddy.

It dawned on me this morning because 2 of them came into my bed at 6.30 and fell back asleep either side of me. It was bliss and everything I've always wanted from family life. Then of course DC3 woke up and came in and couldn't find a spot and it all went wrong.

This is both a ramble and a cautionary tale - if you're considering having a third, make sure you've thought of all the above.

I'm probably doing something wrong with them as plenty of people have 3 or more kids and seem happy, but equally I can't be the only one feeling like this. It's been years and nothing has improved.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
DressingGownofDoom · 06/05/2022 11:56

Oh well. At least in 30 years time you'll have 3 lovely adult children to come and visit you.

SmiledWtherisingsun · 06/05/2022 11:56

Are they very little op?

Matchingcollarandcuffs · 06/05/2022 11:58

dH abd I decided to try drunkenly for DC3 when we had DC2 and 1 (ages) one night. Changed our minds the next day but too late.

I love all my children to bits but DC3 has been twice as much hard work as the other two combined, and we've suffered far more financially than for the other two.

I would only do it with endless cash and bigger age gaps.

givethatbabyaname · 06/05/2022 11:59

It’s because they’re close in age.

Hopefully this phase will pass and you’ll be extolling the virtues of having three children close in age because they entertain each other and you don’t need to get involved.

Original poster
unhappychaos · 06/05/2022 12:00

DressingGownofDoom · 06/05/2022 11:56

Oh well. At least in 30 years time you'll have 3 lovely adult children to come and visit you.

I hope so!

OP posts:
Original poster
unhappychaos · 06/05/2022 12:00

SmiledWtherisingsun · 06/05/2022 11:56

Are they very little op?

5, 4, 4

OP posts:
Miyazaker · 06/05/2022 12:01

...except you had three by accident?

I agree with your sentiment though and would never have considered more than two. But obviously loads of people othink differently

RoyKentsChestHair · 06/05/2022 12:02

Yeah someone once said to me that need one hand per child - when you’re on your own with 3 kids 2 hands just isn’t enough! But I wouldn’t swap my 3 for anything so YAB a bit U

TheCanyon · 06/05/2022 12:03

Our third baby ended up being twins. I'm pretty laid back and absolutely know when to pick my battles, think that helps a lot.

our house has never been chaos but they're now 13, 11 and 7 and I sure remember when they were slightly younger and all super chatty at the same time, when dh was at work I sometimes had to implement a hand up to chat 😂 was like being at school sometimes.I

It is indeed not fun having 5 or 6 folks in a bed.

Lex345 · 06/05/2022 12:03

I have 3 (they are 16 (today!), 13 and 12 now but they were DEFINITELY a handful when they were babies and toddlers! It does get easier, I know its a cliche to say it, but its nice how close my youngest two are.

Bramshott · 06/05/2022 12:03

Isn't this the whole premise of the TV series Outnumbered?

Tq231442 · 06/05/2022 12:05

On the bright side, once they're older you're done and they entertain each other (but still be as annoying as kids are at their ages).

FWIW I'm the third of 3 kids my mother had in 3 years.

MassiveSalad22 · 06/05/2022 12:05

i think this is more of a ‘don’t have kids close together’ thing than a ‘don’t have 3’ thing. You are definitely in the trenches there OP!

Mine are 7, 4 and 5 weeks and so far it’s calm enough. Obviously in a year I’ll have a terror running around, but also 2 in school all week. Friends have had 3 or 4 in as many years, I am in awe!!

doingitforthegirls · 06/05/2022 12:06

Well I have 3, including a set of twins - not dissimilar ages. I love the noise and chaos. Yes I'm knackered, broke, constantly feel there is something I haven't done and yes undoubtedly they don't have the individual attention that an only child has.....but honestly unless you do have a single child or children with massive age gaps then your focus, time, resources will always be spread more thinly

I lost 7 babies trying to have my twins though so yes that 1000% affects my outlook on life. I love it. And I'm hoping to talk DH into using our final frozen embryos next year.

Life is what you make of it

Slavetomytoddlers · 06/05/2022 12:08

DressingGownofDoom · 06/05/2022 11:56

Oh well. At least in 30 years time you'll have 3 lovely adult children to come and visit you.

Not if one of them learns they’re a regret.

womaninatightspot · 06/05/2022 12:08

I have 4 as no.3 turned out to be twins. It was brutal when they were small. Aged 7 to 11 now and I enjoy parenting much more.

JonSnowedUnder · 06/05/2022 12:09

10, 8 and 5 here. Honestly I do think three isn't a great number although I can't say I regret it because DC5 is such a joy. He is actually easier in a lot of ways to the other two. But life is so much easier when one of them is at a friends or grandparents. Doesn't even matter which child, just subtracting one makes a huge difference. I've a few friends with three who agree.

TinaYouFatLard · 06/05/2022 12:11

Three is hard but I think this is completely exacerbated by the age gap. It will get better OP.

I had twins then an unplanned third arrived when they were 2.5 - it was tough. We had a strict system of “choosing days” on a rota. On that child’s day they chose everything, got first turns, best cuddle positions, chose the snack, story etc. it really helped the bickering.

Wbeezer · 06/05/2022 12:11

My third turned 18 this week, so glad I had him, he's the most like me in temperament and interests, if he wasn't around I'd be in danger of feeling like the odd one out at times (I had three boys).
I was experienced and more relaxed (ie. Soft!) with parenting him too so it was more fun!
I did not have twins though and my oldest was 6 when no 3 arrived so not as tough a situation as OP.
Paying for 3 students is a big stretch though.

Original poster
unhappychaos · 06/05/2022 12:12

Slavetomytoddlers · 06/05/2022 12:08

Not if one of them learns they’re a regret.

Show quote history

This will never happen, they will only ever learn the truth which is we tried for a sibling for DC1 and he got 2 at the same time.

OP posts:
Sceptre86 · 06/05/2022 12:12

You've got three close together, not your fault as you've got twins so that was always going to be tough. I have three and it's joyous. I had two close together and waited 4 years before I had my third. it can be difficult when baby is teething or upset but it's generally fine and I make time for them all. I have to be super organised and my house isn't as clean as I would like but I have an equal partner in my husband and that makes a difference. We have no family support and manage on our own. It's what you make of it. I don't intend on putting added pressure on us so kids will do one activity each I don't constantly play with them, I start them off then leave them to it. Arguments happen all part of childhood. Family time is a priority but it doesn't always have to be a paid activity. Both of us can handle the kids on our own so in the easter holidays one weekend I took my older two to the cinema and the following week my dh did. As they get bigger stuff gets more expensive but that's just life. They won't get everything they want and that's an important life lesson anyway.

If you are struggling, talk to your oh about how you can best support each other, change your expectations or whether you could get more support.

Louise0701 · 06/05/2022 12:13

I love having 3, would recommend 3 to everyone. Infact I love 3 that much, I’m considering 4 😂

3 Is great.

LeftFootForward · 06/05/2022 12:16

It gets easier as they get older, I promise OP. I have 3 and remember the arguments about who was going to hold mummy's hand and who was going to sit next to mummy on the settee etc etc 😂

They are all in their teens now. There are still arguments, obviously, but now they understand about the concept of give and take, waiting a turn and compromise, sometimes :)

Upwardtrajectory · 06/05/2022 12:20

Mine are 12, 10 and 8 and I can tell you that I felt very much like you did when they were younger but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now - it’s mostly enjoyable these days!

and while I agree with a pp who says it’s so much easier when 1 is at a friend’s or somewhere, I think that’s a bit like people only realising how easy having 1 child is once you have your second! It’s only because of the comparison.

Ruraljurer · 06/05/2022 12:21

You’re not wrong OP. We had three in a short space of time and it’s very similar to how you described. But I feel like things will get better soon. They are such good mates and I do have hope that one day things will be a lot easier. I hope I’m not kidding myself.