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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell you to read this if you're considering a 3rd child

352 replies

unhappychaos · 06/05/2022 11:52

NC for obvious reasons.

I have 3 kids really close in age. DC3 wasn't planned, we had twins on our second go.

I hate having 3. It's constant chaos. I'm always needed, they constantly compete for my attention. They all want to sit next to me for meals, that's not possible. Bedtime stories, same thing. The scrambling and turn-taking does my head in - we can never relax. DH is around and does lots with them but that's not the point. I want to be able to make my children happy without help, to listen to them properly and not always have to ask one of them to wait or to go to Daddy.

It dawned on me this morning because 2 of them came into my bed at 6.30 and fell back asleep either side of me. It was bliss and everything I've always wanted from family life. Then of course DC3 woke up and came in and couldn't find a spot and it all went wrong.

This is both a ramble and a cautionary tale - if you're considering having a third, make sure you've thought of all the above.

I'm probably doing something wrong with them as plenty of people have 3 or more kids and seem happy, but equally I can't be the only one feeling like this. It's been years and nothing has improved.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
chubbachub · 06/05/2022 12:23

Mine are 8, 4 and just about to turn 1 and it is WILD.

But we wouldn't have it any other.

Going by my 8yo, when yours are 8, 7 and 7 you'll be chilling. You're in the thick of it just now and it's hard. Keep going, you (like most of us) have no other option but just keep muddling through

RedHelenB · 06/05/2022 12:23

Yabu, I love having 3.

AProperStinging · 06/05/2022 12:24

DressingGownofDoom · 06/05/2022 11:56

Oh well. At least in 30 years time you'll have 3 lovely adult children to come and visit you.

I'm one of three adult children (all born within four years) and we absolutely hate each other and none of us will be in the same room as each other.

AProperStinging · 06/05/2022 12:24

Oh and I've often thought that if my parents had stopped after two, we would not have had many of the problems that we have experienced.

TwentinQuarantino · 06/05/2022 12:26

I agree with PPs that it's the close age gap, not the number itself. Mine are 12, 9 and 1. When older 2 were small I found it extremely difficult as they both wanted my attention, fought constantly, wanted the same things and I just couldn't reason with them. With third DC we are enjoying him so much more! Older DC have matured and love helping/playing with him and absolutely dote on him. I'm more laid back and wish I could have done things differently with older 2 instead of stressing about little things and being so anal about routine etc.

Findingneeemo · 06/05/2022 12:28

Op my youngest are twins too, totally unexpected as no history of twins! Not quite as close in age but 6,6,8. It does get easier. They still bicker but they also support one another and encourage one another. Some days they play for hours together (some days we tell them to stay apart too!🤣). They were never lonely over lockdown!

It will get easier soon.

WimbyAce · 06/05/2022 12:29

I agree with others I think it's more an age gap thing. I only have 2 but with q a big gap so it's fine and can imagine it would be fine with the same gap again although it's not something we will be doing(too old).

Snowflakes1122 · 06/05/2022 12:29

You are in the thick of it right now. It will, and does get easier, trust me.

SugarBaron · 06/05/2022 12:30

I think you have to try and remember that although the juggle is difficult, it is actually very healthy for kids not to have too much of your attention. My numbers 3&4 are real copers, because they’ve had to be.

Original poster
unhappychaos · 06/05/2022 12:30

AProperStinging · 06/05/2022 12:24

Oh and I've often thought that if my parents had stopped after two, we would not have had many of the problems that we have experienced.

I'm sorry to hear this. This is also one of my fears, that they won't get on as it's all too much.

OP posts:
RosesAndHellebores · 06/05/2022 12:31

@unhappychaos my only regret, and my dc are 24 and 27 now, is not having the courage to have 3. Having said that having two with your age gap would have been punishing, having a set of twins in the mix would have been potentially overwhelming. With hindsight age 6 was a move to independence so I hope things get easier soon. I say all that with a 3.5 year gap between 2 (not chosen) so have no experience of really heavy duty childcare.

carefullycourageous · 06/05/2022 12:31

YABU really because having unexpected twins very soon after DC1 is absolutely nothing like having three with e.g. three year age gaps. Everyone knows that twins are more than double the work!

Every family size is lovely/unlovely in equal measure.

JustATomCat · 06/05/2022 12:31

You need create better boundaries that's all.

Original poster
unhappychaos · 06/05/2022 12:33

JustATomCat · 06/05/2022 12:31

You need create better boundaries that's all.

So they need to be punished for being 1 of 3? All they want is my attention and chat to me, their behaviour isn't bad at all.

OP posts:
FanFckingTastic · 06/05/2022 12:34

Everybody's experience is different. I have three and they are all less than 2 years apart (so when child no.3 was born, child no.1 was just 3 years old, and child no.2 was almost 2 years old) When they are young it's very busy but you get into a routine and it all works in the end. The kids learn to share and the adults learn that life isn't Insta-perfect. Embrace the slight madness of it and enjoy having lots of love (plus lots of other things!) going on in your home. Three is a great number IMO.

HesterShaw1 · 06/05/2022 12:35

My parents - well, mother - found three of us very hard work (and two of us were unplanned). She never let us forget it either.

torfa · 06/05/2022 12:35

I'm the youngest of 3. My siblings are close in age and I followed almost a decade later. I know I was a mistake, no one has ever said this but its obvious. My siblings are close as they grew up together. I felt like an only child with 4 parents.
Now we're all adults, I'm not close to them, I see them at family occasions but I don't go out of my way to see them and vice versa - I can count on one hand the number of times they've come to my house in the 10 years we've been here. One of them moved house almost a year ago, I've not yet seen it.

YANBU OP.

walkersareback · 06/05/2022 12:36

I had always dreamt about having 3 children - for various reasons we have only ended up with one. At 22 she is deliriously happy to be an only - she might not feel like that when we are old and need care!

You have three and it sounds like you are struggling at the moment but this difficult time when they are young and fighting for your attention will pass and then you will have three amazing adults in your life.

What I am trying (rather clumsily) to say is that how ever many children you have there are times when it is difficult and times when it is hard. I am one of 6 (eldest) and found growing up really hard - no privacy, expected and having to do childcare and housework - but now I LOVE LOVE LOVE coming from a big family.

Hang in there

SailingNotSurfing · 06/05/2022 12:36

I had 4 children in 5 years (last child unintentional, coil insitu) and I had 3 years of absolute chaos and exhaustion, then it got so much easier. Hang on in there! Mine are all adults now, and I'm pleased to say they all get on together really well and visit us frequently.

purplemunkey · 06/05/2022 12:36

Aww, this makes me a little sad as I am one of three. We're all pretty close in age (4 years between the eldest and youngest). I had a lovely childhood and am close to my siblings and parents.

Having said that, I only have one. When DC was a baby & toddler I couldn't imagine how we'd cope with two, let alone three! But now DC is a bit older I think I'd cope much better and enjoy having more than one. I think (and hope) that this is the tunnel you are in when children are under 5 - it's bloody hard work! Hopefully as they all get a bit older you will enjoy having three more 💐

caringcarer · 06/05/2022 12:36

My 2 children were 10 and 8 when I fell pregnant unexpectedly. I found it hard to go back to nappies when older 2 wanted to be taken to and fro activities. Also because eldest was DD and second child was DS they liked some different activities. Baby ended up spending s lot of time in car seat ferrying siblings about. Now all 3 grown up. All children lovely. Youngest child a blessing, so loving and caring, so very glad I had him. He makes me laugh and is cheerful and kind all of the time. It gets easier when they grow up.

itsgoodtobehome · 06/05/2022 12:36

I actually think this continues into adulthood. My DH is a twin. He and his brother came along after his sister. They are all still extremely competitive over their parents' time and affection, and also competitive with each other. Way more so than me and my sister. I definitely think it's because of their family dynamic and it does my head in when they are all together!!

ibblebibbledibble · 06/05/2022 12:37

Yanbu I could have written this exact post!

Notanotherwindow · 06/05/2022 12:39

A friend of mine had unplanned twins. I think someone up there was laughing at her. She said to me that she was going to keep it because really how much harder could 3 be than 2? 3 weeks later found out it was twins! And yes 4 is definitely harder than 2!

TheTeddyBears · 06/05/2022 12:40

I totally understand and I've only got 2. I always say how could I have a third I only have 2 arms, a cuddle for each at same time. Mine are clingy too and also fight even though they are only 2 and 5.
3 kids wld just be a totally different ball game.

I actually say that I wld consider another had I been younger. However only when youngest was at least 5 and that's why it's not happening!

It will get easier (let's hope) and they are all similar age so activities and interests shld be easy to pick.