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Original poster

To tell you to read this if you're considering a 3rd child

352 replies

unhappychaos · 06/05/2022 11:52

NC for obvious reasons.

I have 3 kids really close in age. DC3 wasn't planned, we had twins on our second go.

I hate having 3. It's constant chaos. I'm always needed, they constantly compete for my attention. They all want to sit next to me for meals, that's not possible. Bedtime stories, same thing. The scrambling and turn-taking does my head in - we can never relax. DH is around and does lots with them but that's not the point. I want to be able to make my children happy without help, to listen to them properly and not always have to ask one of them to wait or to go to Daddy.

It dawned on me this morning because 2 of them came into my bed at 6.30 and fell back asleep either side of me. It was bliss and everything I've always wanted from family life. Then of course DC3 woke up and came in and couldn't find a spot and it all went wrong.

This is both a ramble and a cautionary tale - if you're considering having a third, make sure you've thought of all the above.

I'm probably doing something wrong with them as plenty of people have 3 or more kids and seem happy, but equally I can't be the only one feeling like this. It's been years and nothing has improved.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
StridTheKiller · 06/05/2022 12:42

As a middle child I concur that 3 kids is a shit number. Don't have more kids than you have people to love them best.
My eldest sister is a total bully and helped wreck my childhood and confidence, younger DS was spoilt rotten and I was jealous af about this.
It is selfish to have lots of kids.

Louise0701 · 06/05/2022 12:43

@StridTheKiller your experience is down to your parents. Not all middle children of 3 feel the same as you; me being one of them!

berksandbeyond · 06/05/2022 12:43

Number 2 actually turning out to be number 2 and 3 is one of the reasons I am not risking number 2.
I would absolutely never want 3!
I hope it improves as they grow up OP, they’re still so young and need a lot of attention

Apricote · 06/05/2022 12:44

But you've got twins lass! Of course it's mad at yours!

I do take on board what you're saying...although for every story of almost every possible family dynamic there are people who love it and people who hate it. 5,4,4 must be so tough though.

Apricote · 06/05/2022 12:46

It is selfish to have lots of kids.

  1. No it isn't.
  2. Three isn't lots.
  3. I know many who are one of three and love it, and I am one of more than that and loved it. I'm sorry you didn't.
HerRoyalHappiness · 06/05/2022 12:46

I have 3. It's HARD while they're little, and I only had 2 close together. (18 months between DD and DS2)

Of course it's going to be hard and you'll feel over run at times. It feels overwhelming and like you never get a seconds peace. But then they get a bit older and it's bloody lovely.

My 3 are 13, 8 and almost 7. They're a great bunch of kids. They get on great and they help out so much around the house it's amazing we're a team and they love being part of mummy's team.

SleepingStandingUp · 06/05/2022 12:46

I have one and then twins too op. I think it's harder for you because the gap is so little so their needs aren't that dissimilar. There's 4 years between mine which raises different issues but I think at least they're at different stages.

I'm always amazed when people have more kids after twins, people who've got six or either or ten kids, and wonder how I'm doing it all so wrong

Herewegoagain84 · 06/05/2022 12:47

What a horrible post. I’m currently pregnant with an unplanned third and trying to be as positive as possible. It was a shock but I know we’ll love the child. Thanks for making me feel like I shouldn’t have kept him.

Copperpottle · 06/05/2022 12:49

Yawn, another negative 'i hate kids' post. Have you tried boundaries? Saying 'no'? How can them wanting a particular seat cause issues - just say no! One bedtime story for all the children, done. Easy. And no kid gets in my bed at 6.30 - they're sent straight back to theirs.

Run a tighter ship. Protect your own time and learn to say no more often. Boundaries work.

Louise0701 · 06/05/2022 12:50

@Herewegoagain84 congratulations, please ignore the negativity on here!
some people would complain if they were an only, one of 2, 7, 4 etc…
I have 3 and I absolutely love it, as do my children. I also loved being one of 3. Please don’t let one thread play on your mind too much!

cecilthehungryspider · 06/05/2022 12:50

I love having 3 but I have 4 yr age gaps between mine so not quite as tough when they were little. It does somehow seem to more than double the load from having 2 though. I always urge caution when I know people are thinking of having a 3rd. I think the expectation is that it will be half the work again from having 2 but it just doesn't quite work like that. I find I'm torn in all directions now they are older. The older two especially have a lot of struggles with physical and mental health and need a lot of support. Then I'm conscious of trying to make things as normal as possible for the youngest. When they all start doing extra activities too you have to think about what will happen if they need to be in different places at the same time. It gets quite complicated at times.

I do occasionally think how much easier my life would be if we'd stopped at 1 or 2 but I don't regret it.

Copperpottle · 06/05/2022 12:51

Herewegoagain84 · 06/05/2022 12:47

What a horrible post. I’m currently pregnant with an unplanned third and trying to be as positive as possible. It was a shock but I know we’ll love the child. Thanks for making me feel like I shouldn’t have kept him.

You'll be fine. OP hasn't figured out how to control her kids and it's oh so edgy to bitch about how they ruin your life rather than, I dunno, move over in the bed or sit them nicely at a table without fuss. Depressing how fashionable it's become.

Louise0701 · 06/05/2022 12:51

@Copperpottle well said! I see so many families out and about with feral children who clearly think they rule the roost! Having routine and boundaries makes a massive difference and not just letting your children run wild.

berksandbeyond · 06/05/2022 12:52

Herewegoagain84 · 06/05/2022 12:47

What a horrible post. I’m currently pregnant with an unplanned third and trying to be as positive as possible. It was a shock but I know we’ll love the child. Thanks for making me feel like I shouldn’t have kept him.

It’s not about you. Maybe you’ll love it. OP was telling people to really think about it - you didn’t choose to get pregnant but you obviously chose to continue the pregnancy so presumably have thought it through?

EmeraldShamrock1 · 06/05/2022 12:53

Your reasons are based upon your own experience.

IMO there isn't always enough to go around whether you have 1 or 6.

SleepingStandingUp · 06/05/2022 12:53

StridTheKiller · 06/05/2022 12:42

As a middle child I concur that 3 kids is a shit number. Don't have more kids than you have people to love them best.
My eldest sister is a total bully and helped wreck my childhood and confidence, younger DS was spoilt rotten and I was jealous af about this.
It is selfish to have lots of kids.

This dynamic, where Mom loves Betty most and Dad loves Susie most and no one loves Daisy most isn't how most families work. I'm sorry that was your experience but plenty of parents love their kids the same.

And as you really saying people like OP and I should have aborted one or both of our twins because we don't have three adults?

MrsDeaconClaybourne · 06/05/2022 12:54

I love having 3! Mine are 16, 14 and 11 and growing into fab people and are mostly great company. Sometimes it's still chaotic at times and needs some juggling but wouldn't change anything.

I'm an only and sometimes that was lonely and I had too much attention focused on me. Nothing is perfect.

AuntTwacky · 06/05/2022 12:56

I think it's different with twins, I have 3 with 3 years between each and it works fine

SleepingStandingUp · 06/05/2022 12:57

Herewegoagain84 · 06/05/2022 12:47

What a horrible post. I’m currently pregnant with an unplanned third and trying to be as positive as possible. It was a shock but I know we’ll love the child. Thanks for making me feel like I shouldn’t have kept him.

If OP saying she's struggling and people should think before they have a third (not not have one, but just really think) makes you feel like you shouldn't be continuing with the pregnancy, that's on you, not her. And I actually doubt that OPS post is making you feel like you should have had an abortion but if you're that fragile about choosing to continue, I'd ask for a referral to the pregnancy mental health team. Good luck in your pregnancy.

chubbachub · 06/05/2022 12:58

@Copperpottle
Yes - this exactly. A mum I met a couple of weeks ago text to ask what were up to and i replied I was taking dd to a baby class if she wanted to come with her baby too. She replies that her baby ds was being a cunt today and he was in a shit mood so she would give it a miss. I dont think we'll end up being friends actually. I was surprised at calling her baby a cunt as if it was totally ok but its this fashionable thing of saying how crap parenting is.

SleepingStandingUp · 06/05/2022 13:00

Copperpottle · 06/05/2022 12:49

Yawn, another negative 'i hate kids' post. Have you tried boundaries? Saying 'no'? How can them wanting a particular seat cause issues - just say no! One bedtime story for all the children, done. Easy. And no kid gets in my bed at 6.30 - they're sent straight back to theirs.

Run a tighter ship. Protect your own time and learn to say no more often. Boundaries work.

She hasn't said she hates her kids, she's obviously struggling, that's all.

Maybe your 4 and 5 year olds never got upset at not being able to sit by you, but it doesn't make OP A useless Mom because her do. One bedtime story only works if they all share a room. And lots of people are happy for the kids to get I nbed of a morning, again it isn't an indication that she's a useless mother with fetal horrid brats ffs

Itjustgetsbetter · 06/05/2022 13:00

I wouldn’t have three again. Most things cater for a family of four. Our situation is slightly different as our youngest has severe disabilities (our middle dc also does but they’re manageable). We’ve had to get a bigger car, a bigger house. Whilst I would love the thought of three adult children coming to visit me, its unlikely as two will no doubt end up staying at home.

Tinks1876 · 06/05/2022 13:01

I have 3. 13,12 and 8 all girls! My eldest 2 never slept it was horrendous whilst working full time but we made it through and decided to have a 3rd who was the most incredible baby and actually slept but now at 8 she certainly keeps us on our toes! I wouldn’t change it for the world now and I’m so proud of how they are all growing up, we really want a 4th it just hasn’t happened yet!

It does get easier, but you’ll be skint for life 😂

cestlavielife · 06/05/2022 13:01

I want to be able to make my children happy without help, to listen to them properly and not always have to ask one of them to wait or to go to Daddy.

Why ?
Why can't you accept help?
Accept help
Get more help

You don't need to be superwoman
See a life coach or therapist

3 dc throw in SEN medical issues ex with mh issues ... it s hard. But no regrets.

Take help
They will be happy
If you stop blaming yourself or trying to give too much
It s ok to take a break
It s ok to say ask daddy
It s ok to put them in after school childcare while you go swimming or whatever
Do you work outside the home? Have a hobby? Take exercise?

WimbyAce · 06/05/2022 13:01

My oh is one of 4, 3 of them close in age. They all get on incredibly well, no jealousy or unpleasantness between them or their parents so it's not a given that multiple siblings are going to hate each other or be resentful in any way.