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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to dread telling my DD no

208 replies

Funkyslippers · 06/05/2022 11:45

DD (13) has got it in her head that she'd like to be homeschooled. She says she hates getting up early for school, being around people she doesn't like (most of the other pupils!), wasting time in lessons and not really learning anything (hard for me to comment on that as we haven't even had a parents' evening yet this year). After much persuasion on her part, I said I couldn't make a decision until I'd done some research. Well now I have and I've decided it won't work for her, for many reasons, mainly because she'd be on her own all day and is not particularly motivated and really quite lazy and there'd be noone to support her learning or check any gaps. Also she would have very little social interaction. I've already made these points to her but she had an answer for both but I've still made up my mind.

But she's set her heart on this and is absolutely convinced it's the right thing for her. I'm dreading going home later as she will start on at me again and I know once I've said no she will be heartbroken and angry. I hate to think of her unhappy at school but I'm not really sure she is, well no more than the average kid. I know school can be a bit of a chore but we all have to go through it and come out the other side.

I know I need to grow some but I just don't know how to handle this sensitively but getting my point across without an argument.

OP posts:
Sally872 · 06/05/2022 11:50

You are making the right decision. It isn't what she wants to hear but it is in her best interest. Let her complain but don't change your mind. Is it even possible for you to homeschool? It isn't for many. I have to work and would not have the depth of knowledge to homeschool. She can't teach herself of that's what she thinks.

Quartz2208 · 06/05/2022 11:53

What has preempted this - are you sure nothing has happened that has made her want this.

What is causing her to think it is the right thing for her.

Original poster
Funkyslippers · 06/05/2022 11:57

Quartz it started with her watching a YouTube video of a family who homeschool and it looks lovely, but the parents are at home all day (and they're quite annoying too lol)

OP posts:
ImNotBeingFunnyBut123 · 06/05/2022 11:59

Tough. When she enters the working world she'll probably have to do things she doesn't want and deal with people she doesn't like. Life's a bitch. Sooner she accepts it the better.

Dixiechickonhols · 06/05/2022 12:00

Rather than an outright no I’d be very much of the you want it you put viable case forward for how it will work and how you will fund it.
So being on own all day how will she socialise - who will arrange it, pay for it, get her to it.
Schooling - who is researching and organising it, who is paying for it if she does online or tutors.
Practical subjects like science what will she do - some colleges may offer options but that’s for her to look into.
Exams - she’ll need to pay as an external candidate.
Will she get a part time job?
I’d be very much it’s my role to ensure you have an adequate education - I can be prosecuted if not. I’m happy with free option - school that 99% people use. Lying in bed doing nothing is not an option.
Come with a viable researched plan and I’ll look at it. Homeschooling will require self motivation this is task 1.

Dixiechickonhols · 06/05/2022 12:04

If she’s basing it on YouTube can you use that as starting point and explain how that isn’t possible eg The mum doesn’t work do she can teach them. I work. If they are on lovely trips eg spell it out you won’t be able to go to x as I work, it costs x and there’s no bus.

savoycabbage · 06/05/2022 12:05

How can she be home schooled if there isn't anyone there to home school her?

That's just lying about the house rather than homeschooling.

Could you scare her straight? One of my dc doesn't like school but she couldn't wait to get away from my lockdown home school. All that lovely one on one schooling.

RJnomore1 · 06/05/2022 12:07

How did she get on with lockdown remote learning?

Perfumelover18 · 06/05/2022 12:07

Unfortunately, at 13, she is not mature enough to make this decision, it's for parents to decide.

Homeschooling can work but the dynamics need to be right, with an adult on hand to supervise the process, even if tutors are used.

You could point out to her that tutoring is expensive, and she would still need to work hard to pass her exams.

If you are working then there won't be anyone to supervise her studies. It really isn't feasible. She needs to go to school.

As for how you can tell her, just gently ask her how she thinks homeschooling could work. She might be able to see the problems for herself.

Original poster
Funkyslippers · 06/05/2022 12:09

Well it would be possible technically, if I was to get all the resources ready for her say on a weekly basis, then check what she's done when I get home, and it doesn't have to be 9-3 5 days a week, so she could do a couple of hours when i get home or at the weekend, but that would still leave several hours of the day when she's on her own unsupervised, and she says she would learn Spanish, do PE, go to the library etc but I know her and if there's an option to laze around she's likely to take it!

I have done alot of research on it and it really won't work for her - or me

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 06/05/2022 12:10

It would be a hard no from me. Not negotiable.

Sometimes we have to do things we don’t want, and for her this includes going to school. Such is life.

Dixiechickonhols · 06/05/2022 12:10

If she’s into YouTube/Instagram then would missing out things like prom make her think.

Original poster
Funkyslippers · 06/05/2022 12:12

RJnomore1 1st lockdown - a few tasks sent home by the primary school but as it wasn't compulsory, she either did the bare minimum or nothing. I was working from home and tearing my hair out trying to keep her occupied and off her phone. 2nd lockdown, yr 7 - she attended live lessons and completed homework but again, it was few and far between and she completed it as quickly as possible then went back to lazing around (as much as I would let her)

OP posts:
DisappearingGirl · 06/05/2022 12:13

I absolutely agree with you OP! If there's no-one at home to teach her, she wouldn't be home schooling, she'd just be sat on her arse or wandering round town.

Lockdown taught me that there's no way I could homeschool my own kids, even if I wasn't also working. They are normally good kids and fairly bright. But the amount of shouting and howling when I asked them to write a paragraph. The amount of grumbling and procrastinating if I suggested a nature walk. No way. At school they just get on with it.

I would just tell her. Yes she will be cross, but tough. Teens get cross about a lot of things they can't have. When she argues I would just keep repeating the same reasons, broken record style. To be honest I wouldn't get into how it could work (as a poster suggested) because I think you are correct that it would absolutely not work!!

MargaretThursday · 06/05/2022 12:16

I think leaving her on her own all day and calling it homeschooling would go down very badly if that was discovered.

I was talking a couple of days ago with dh, and we commented that all the dc would have loved homeschooling, and for all it would have been a bad decision for them in the long term.
DD1 probably wouldn't have been too bad academically, but socially would have been unhelpful.
The other two would never have done any work in subjects they didn't like, and only lackadaisical work in the ones they liked.
They'd have built fantastic Minecraft worlds and had great ambitions to do some proper work... tomorrow though.

But also: We're two well educated parents in different subject and a reasonable knowledge of between us of a good amount of other subjects. We still wouldn't feel up to teaching to GCSE level in the majority of subjects because teaching is more than just knowing the subject.
Yes, you can get tutors in. But they will be expensive (£40 an hour type range) and I'll bet that neither my younger pair would have enjoyed that any more than school!

AlternativePerspective · 06/05/2022 12:16

And I disagree with those saying she should put a case forward. That way she is going to believe there’s a chance, when there isn’t.

And it’s not home schooling if there’s no-one at home, it’s taking the piss.

TeeBee · 06/05/2022 12:17

My youngest DS was the same (and is also pretty lazy if allowed to be). It was always a flat no from me. It wouldn't be good for him, he's very close with his school friends and I don't have time, money or motivation to sacrifice my own career to home school someone. I'd go round the bend. He's still not keen on going in because people tire him out. Tough shit, we all have to deal with people, whether we like it or not. I stated my reasons and explained that was my final decision and wouldn't be discussing it again. He decided to stay on at Sixth form and we're currently looking at uni open days, so it couldn't have been too damaging.

I know two children who were home schooled and left to their own devices (with online tutors). Both spent most the days playing PlayStation and both came out with one GCSE each.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 06/05/2022 12:17

Tell her
Homeschooling is not the same as self learning. She is too young to self learn and you won't be able to teach her

Lockdown showed she was not engaged with the process anyway

Clymene · 06/05/2022 12:19

Your mistake was letting her think it was viable at all. You work so it's not possible. End of discussion.

Pieceofpurplesky · 06/05/2022 12:21

You are not planning on a home learning structure though. You are basically planning a drop out of school plan. Don't let her have her way.

Zippy1510 · 06/05/2022 12:21

Leaving her at home by herself throughout the day then checking in isn’t homeschooling. You would need to be there, all day to act as her teacher.

MrsSkylerWhite · 06/05/2022 12:23

Sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

a firm no. She’ll get over it.

OneCup · 06/05/2022 12:23

So you would be printed out a few worksheets for her to do during day time? This is not homeschooling! She needs someone to properly facilitate her learning: someone available and knowledgeable. It's a recipe for trouble!
The fact that she thinks she can teach herself Spanish also made me smile.

Fairislefandango · 06/05/2022 12:31

Your mistake was letting her think it was viable at all.

^This.
Also, while I'm very much in favour of picking your battles as a parent, dreading saying no to your child is not a good sign. You need to be able to calmly and confidently give a hard no when you need to, without fearing your child's reaction.

savoycabbage · 06/05/2022 12:37

There is absolute no way she can teach herself the core GCSE subjects from resources you 'get ready for her'. 🤯

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