AIBU to dread telling my DD no

[Funkyslippers]

DD (13) has got it in her head that she'd like to be homeschooled. She says she hates getting up early for school, being around people she doesn't like (most of the other pupils!), wasting time in lessons and not really learning anything (hard for me to comment on that as we haven't even had a parents' evening yet this year). After much persuasion on her part, I said I couldn't make a decision until I'd done some research. Well now I have and I've decided it won't work for her, for many reasons, mainly because she'd be on her own all day and is not particularly motivated and really quite lazy and there'd be noone to support her learning or check any gaps. Also she would have very little social interaction. I've already made these points to her but she had an answer for both but I've still made up my mind.

But she's set her heart on this and is absolutely convinced it's the right thing for her. I'm dreading going home later as she will start on at me again and I know once I've said no she will be heartbroken and angry. I hate to think of her unhappy at school but I'm not really sure she is, well no more than the average kid. I know school can be a bit of a chore but we all have to go through it and come out the other side.

I know I need to grow some but I just don't know how to handle this sensitively but getting my point across without an argument.

I home Ed and have watched parents come and go who attempt to home Ed whilst working out of the house full time and it really doesn’t work. Home Ed is amazing but it takes a lot of time to facilitate their learning regardless of the approach you use. GCSEs are also expensive to fund and it is worth being aware of this. I think if someone could be home with her then she would probably be happier at home but a teen left alone for most of the week is a recipe for disaster on so many levels.

you are making the right choice and I would explain the reasons to you your daughter and look at ways of making the school experience more manageable for her.

good luck!

My Y9 muttered about homeschool a few times after lockdown in Y7/Y8.
Each time I said, “you know I’d be setting way more and way harder work than school, right?”
Each time she knows this is true, and slopes off.
She’s experienced my lockdown expectations 😭

Have you considered an option for her to move school (maybe is current school environment/ friend groups?) that may give her an option? Which she might reject? But is easier to swallow than a big no and suck it up buttercup which sounds like your dreading!

People who responsibly homeschool generally do it as a full time job and hire tutors or pay for online teaching for subjects they cannot cover. They also have a very strong reasons for doing it. You need to find out why your daughter doesn’t want to go to school because it is actually quite unusual for 13yr olds not to want to go school. She might be being bullied or be struggling a lot academically. I would want to have a meeting with her head of year to find out what the situation was at school.

Uh.
Right
Just say no

I cannot begin to understand why you think you need to consider such arrangements.

And yes, I have seen some beautiful examples of home schooling but none where parents are at home and the home schooled young teen is given free range to organise their own learning as they please.

she can make use of online learning, a tutor either at home or out in small home ed groups, or she can self learn!! yes she really can.

I am not dismissing home schooling at all but a 13 year old absolutely cannot self learn.

As a secondary school teacher myself I know that I can help my DD with her homework but I absolutely couldn’t teach her an entire subject at GCSE level outside of my subject specialism, even if I had all of the content in front of me.

The lessons that I plan are not my entire lesson - I will spend lots of time in that lesson changing things minute by minute to ensure everyone is understanding.
I have really random questions that need answering or my individual students will find some things very easy to grasp and some things very difficult.
Children learn through discussions with other students and asking their teacher questions or by listening to the questions being asked by other students.

It’s not possible to learn to their full potential without someone there in person.

In lockdown I taught over teams but it was definitely not the same.

I also don’t think it’s a good idea to spend so many hours a day staring it a screen.

If OP was home some of the time or if she could afford a tutor then it’s different but she can’t, so home schooling is not an option and she’d be doing her DD a disservice doing so.

Haven’t read the full thread so not sure if it’s been mentioned already, but don’t most colleges offer GCSE courses for 14 year olds?

College usually offers a much more relaxed environment so it can be a better fit for some kids.

Have you properly looked in to it. In that you have spoken to people in the home ed community and found out what is out there. Obviously it is different in different areas. But here I have yet to find a home-ed parent who doesn't work except some with small babies. Social interaction or bring alone would not be a problem here. Plenty of tutors to check learning. Having said that I'm doing Eng Lit GCSE with my DS this year and it's not exactly taxing. There is also lots of distance learning resources. However, that doesn't mean it will be for the best for your DC but she would probably understand if you've looked into it properly. Discussed how it could work etc. What wouldn't work.

My 15yo is at college. You have to be home educated to get on the course. It is much better for teenage sleep cycles with a later start.

I think I’d be looking at how to motivate her so school is less of a chore. Does she have friends? Is she being challenged enough? Laziness is a tricky thing to get around, is she capable of doing more?

I am surprised at the amount of people basically telling you you should have told her just a flat NO and change subject. Sounds like so many people are traumatised by having to go to school that they dont like to see that there might be better options for education than going to school where you feel unhappy.

You've done the right thing to explore your options. I think you should sit daughter down and sensibly explain that you are not able to provide what she would like. You also want to listen to her input about why she doesnt enjoy school and perhaps look for a different school that might suit her better or just give a fresh start. You want your daugher feel that you are listening to her and trying to understand her, rather than just telling her to shut up and suck it up.

When you say GCSEs are expensive to fund I wonder what you are refering to?

I had a friend who moved to Canada with husbands job to Quebec so french speaking she home schooled their 5 kids as it was only going to be for 2 years and they weren't anything approaching fluent in french ( they ended up staying 10 years but she comtinued home schooling) it was a FT job you are at hand for deliveries you can do laundry but you really can't do much else, then after learning there are sports clubs youth clubs etc for the social side etc she did it successfully all her kids got A levels and went to Uni but it was hard work and commitment and is not for the faint hearted you certainly can't do it while working out of the home FT that said you do not 6 hours a day a lot of school time is breaks moving between classrooms registration changing for PE crowd control etc technically my DD's senior school is 6 x 50 minutes periods which is 5 hours in a 6½ hour day but in reality at least 5 -10 minutes of each period is moving classrooms settling down getting stuff out and putting it away so actually teaching time is more like 4 -4½ hours so 4 hours at home would probably achieve the same

”I said I would look into it and I have in a lot of detail. It won’t work for you or for me. I’m know you will be upset about this but the answer is no.”

give her space to storm off

she’ll be angry with a lot of “why”s - tell her you’ll talk when she’s calmed down, but the decision is made and won’t change.

then when the heat is gone out of everything, repeat what you’ve said that nothing about her general approach to learning at home is conducive to being homeschooled (evidence by lockdown 1 and 2). That there will be no one on a daily basis to oversee, coach, and assist. That you’re not a teacher and can’t give her the quality of education that a school can. The answer is no.

Don’t get into debates or arguments and don’t repeat the conversation when it’s done.

GCSE's exam fees then having to travel to a centre to take exam, paying for past papers, neither of which you pay for in a state school they are 150-300 per subject more if a practical exam too so 9 exams could easily be £1500-2000 just in fees

My mum used to do private tutoring for kids who were homeschooled, and I used to absolutely beg her to homeschool me too because I hated school. She just flat out put her foot down and said no.

I lived, and so will your daughter

the fees they change schools and external candidates are not the same

I'm the first to say children should have voice and influence over their lives, but sometimes parents know what's best and children are just not mature enough to see it.

She's 13 and having some uncomfortable experiences at school. Most children do. It doesn't mean she gets to withdraw from it - that will only feed into a pattern of anxiety and avoidance. She needs help and support to become more resilient and deal with whatever issues she is facing at school that make her feel she can't go.

The fact is, she is not an adult and she doesn't understand how the world works as well as you do. For many reasons is not a viable option for her to be home-schooled, she will have to accept that. She probably will storm off for a bit but most children have to go to school and deal with some of the discomfort that comes from being around people they don't like, etc. It's actually a life skill.

Underthecedartree you pay exam board to be entered as an external candidate and may have to travel a distance to sit exam. Plus money for syllabus, practice papers and resources needed for subject eg state schools usually provide textbooks, copies of texts. One of the online options mentioned above was £670 a year for online tuition per subject plus extra fees for registration etc.

I home schooled my eldest 3 kids, just using work books ,CGP ,a page a day got us through most subjects in advance and we had plenty of time of doing nothing..all adults now in good jobs and at uni …youngest homeschooled himself for last 4 years ..taught himself all sorts of things ,I did some book work .with him .
it wasn’t difficult
CGP do excellent books ,she could do a page a day per work book ,per subject and you could give it 6 months ,give her a chance at happiness,she might surprise you xx

You don’t have to do the expense of GCSES
we didn’t
mine went to college at age 16 /17 and just did one year retake GCSE courses ,went on to Alevel after .college is a whole different ball game from school and mine were quite happy to go and did excellent when there

No would be my answer.