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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to dread telling my DD no

208 replies

Funkyslippers · 06/05/2022 11:45

DD (13) has got it in her head that she'd like to be homeschooled. She says she hates getting up early for school, being around people she doesn't like (most of the other pupils!), wasting time in lessons and not really learning anything (hard for me to comment on that as we haven't even had a parents' evening yet this year). After much persuasion on her part, I said I couldn't make a decision until I'd done some research. Well now I have and I've decided it won't work for her, for many reasons, mainly because she'd be on her own all day and is not particularly motivated and really quite lazy and there'd be noone to support her learning or check any gaps. Also she would have very little social interaction. I've already made these points to her but she had an answer for both but I've still made up my mind.

But she's set her heart on this and is absolutely convinced it's the right thing for her. I'm dreading going home later as she will start on at me again and I know once I've said no she will be heartbroken and angry. I hate to think of her unhappy at school but I'm not really sure she is, well no more than the average kid. I know school can be a bit of a chore but we all have to go through it and come out the other side.

I know I need to grow some but I just don't know how to handle this sensitively but getting my point across without an argument.

OP posts:
CPL593H · 06/05/2022 13:33

There is nothing in what you've said that indicates this will be anything other than an excuse for an extended skive OP. "Dreading saying no" to a 13 year old isn't great either.

By all means get to the bottom of why she is unhappy and work on improving that, but as you've thankfully realised, she needs to be in school.

mewkins · 06/05/2022 13:33

Clymene · 06/05/2022 12:19

Your mistake was letting her think it was viable at all. You work so it's not possible. End of discussion.

I agree with this. You can't homeschooling if there is no one there to do it. I wouldn't have even entertained the idea.

If I were in your shoes I would be requesting a meeting with her head of year or form tutor and asking how you can all get her to engage more with school rather than get some more years down the line. Do you also have any young people's services eg mentoring etc in your area. They are great for helping to motivate those who are disengaging.

Home schooling is really not the answer here - but getting others in to help would do her favour.

110APiccadilly · 06/05/2022 13:34

I'm also very pro homeschooling (as someone who was homeschooled.) However, what she's suggesting clearly won't work for you as a family, so it's a no.

I would however make double sure that it's just that she likes the idea of homeschooling, not that she's being bullied or not coping with something at school.

Windintrees · 06/05/2022 13:35

You have been fair. You listened to her and researched the possibility. It won’t work for you and she will now know that at least you thought it through. Now work out what the underlying problem is with help from a school counsellor/pastoral care or the year lead member of staff and then implement an agreed plan going forward. Outside school does she have an interest/passion? If not then pursue this ie working hard at school gets iceskating lessons, gymnastic club, guitar lessons, drums (electronic with earphones) join a sports club, a pottery workshop. Something completely away from schoolwork, physical or creative.
Good luck to you both. Update us.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 06/05/2022 13:37

Dixiechickonhols · 06/05/2022 12:00

Rather than an outright no I’d be very much of the you want it you put viable case forward for how it will work and how you will fund it.
So being on own all day how will she socialise - who will arrange it, pay for it, get her to it.
Schooling - who is researching and organising it, who is paying for it if she does online or tutors.
Practical subjects like science what will she do - some colleges may offer options but that’s for her to look into.
Exams - she’ll need to pay as an external candidate.
Will she get a part time job?
I’d be very much it’s my role to ensure you have an adequate education - I can be prosecuted if not. I’m happy with free option - school that 99% people use. Lying in bed doing nothing is not an option.
Come with a viable researched plan and I’ll look at it. Homeschooling will require self motivation this is task 1.

Excellent advice, @Dixiechickonhols.

MangoJuice008 · 06/05/2022 13:37

You would be at work during the Home schooling hours - so who would be there to help her learn?

Just put your foot down, you're the adult. She's still a child.

Okiedokie2 · 06/05/2022 13:39

I'm very intrigued what homeschooled YouTube family it is that she watched and if it's the same annoying ones I think it is...

axolotlfloof · 06/05/2022 13:43

Yes I think most 13 y o would rather not get up in the morning, and spend the day doing pe and Spanish at their own pace.
You can't provide home schooling, so no.
I would also explain to her about how you could be prosecuted for not sending her to school.
It's not that you don't want to, but it's clearly not possible.

Discovereads · 06/05/2022 13:44

I've decided it won't work for her, for many reasons, mainly because she'd be on her own all day and is not particularly motivated and really quite lazy and there'd be noone to support her learning or check any gaps. Also she would have very little social interaction.

I would have left out the “you’re lazy” message myself. Because that’s all she’s going to hear….you won’t let me even try because you think I’m lazy. The other points are good reasons by themselves.

tolerable · 06/05/2022 13:48

if-it was to be viable-can she start-your schedule in summer holidays? if socialise isnt her thing-and fairynuf..with peers-are their "volunteer"community options to sign her up for.if she wants it THAT much that goives her a fair crack at it?

Bunce1 · 06/05/2022 13:48

i think as no one is home you’d be on sticky ground from a safeguarding and legal perspective.

shes shown thAt she is not a self starter or motivated.

would a smaller school be an option or a single sex school?

BattenburgDonkey · 06/05/2022 13:53

Funkyslippers · 06/05/2022 12:09

Well it would be possible technically, if I was to get all the resources ready for her say on a weekly basis, then check what she's done when I get home, and it doesn't have to be 9-3 5 days a week, so she could do a couple of hours when i get home or at the weekend, but that would still leave several hours of the day when she's on her own unsupervised, and she says she would learn Spanish, do PE, go to the library etc but I know her and if there's an option to laze around she's likely to take it!

I have done alot of research on it and it really won't work for her - or me

This is your problem, letting her believe the ‘technically’ part, that’s not home schooling, that’s dropping out of school, I’m surprised anyone would think that’s an option really. If you can’t give up work home schooling is not an option so it’s a straight out no. Is it a problem with the school itself, could she look at moving schools maybe? It’s tough but you just have to be firm OP, she’s far too young to be a school drop out.

BattenburgDonkey · 06/05/2022 13:55

not particularly motivated and really quite lazy

I would not say this bit to her in your reasoning as it’s irrelevant really, I’d just stick with the firm no, as there is nobody to teach you.

AngelinaFibres · 06/05/2022 13:59

Funkyslippers · 06/05/2022 11:57

Quartz it started with her watching a YouTube video of a family who homeschool and it looks lovely, but the parents are at home all day (and they're quite annoying too lol)

It puts an enormous amount of responsibility on you as a parent. She needs to access all the curriculum that her peers have and you will have to outsource and fund a lot of that. I was a teacher and could have dealt with the art and humanities side of things but secondary maths,physics, chemistry, foreign languages would have been totally beyond me. I hated my secondary school years. I was bullied relentlessly. I would have loved to never have to go there again but home schooling would have made me even more of an awkward introvert than I already was.

chaosmaker · 06/05/2022 14:00

BU for not saying no straight out. If she's being bullied then chase it up with the school.

3luckystars · 06/05/2022 14:02

If you heard the teacher was gone out of the room all day at school, had another job or was even texting all day instead of teaching the class, would you think this was good enough for your daughter?

she can’t be homeschooled with no teacher.

she just doesn’t want to go to school and you will have to find out why. Is it organisational skills that she is finding difficult?

2bazookas · 06/05/2022 14:09

Forget "handling it sensitively".

She is an ignorant child who knows nothing . You're the adult responsible for making sure she gets an education.

13 yr olds are not permitted in law to homeschool themselves, for blindingly obvious reasons.That's not up for argument or discussion.

Dixiechickonhols · 06/05/2022 14:09

Out of curiosity I’ve looked and online school is just under £5000 a year for year 10.
If you aren’t there to teach her then online is only option and if you/she hasn’t got that money then it’s a none starter.

SynchroSwimmer · 06/05/2022 14:09

I would offer to homeschool - but when she reaches 16 going forwards….😊

Onwards22 · 06/05/2022 14:12

I think it’s fantastic you thought about it and looked into it without completely dismissing it.

You just need to say you’ve looked into it and by law you have to have someone at home all day to teach you which you’re not able to do.

You can tell her that if your circumstances ever change and you’re able to stay at home all day then you can reconsider.

My DD is the same age and she desperately wants to be homeschooled too.
I do wonder if the lockdowns have had an impact as they saw it can be done whereas when I was young there was no other option but to go to school.

Gudbrand · 06/05/2022 14:14

That's not my idea of home schooling - 13 year old sitting at home all day not supervised, possibly doing some online lessons or doing some work you've set for her or possibly not as there is no one monitoring it.
If it was to work it needs someone at home all day, monitoring progress and actually teaching her. And perhaps working in small groups with other home schooled children with different parents tutoring different topics depending on their areas of expertise.

You will simply have to say no, it's not possible as you have to work. She has to remain in school. There is no other option. So what can we do to improve the school situation? What are the issues? Why do you not want to go?

And a meeting with a form tutor or head of year is a good idea too.

memememe · 06/05/2022 14:19

right there is a whole load of bollocks on here being written by people who nothing about home education. first of all its home education, not home school. home school is where you do school at home with the work set by the school.

she doesn't need to have a parent with her all day (if you are happy for her to be alone) education doesn't have to happen within school hours. it can happen anytime...weekends and evenings are acceptable.

she can make use of online learning, a tutor either at home or out in small home ed groups, or she can self learn!! yes she really can.

op i suggest you look again at the options available. join some home ed facebook groups to get info on what groups and activities are on in you're area and of you still don't want to home ed her, then its your decision at the end of the day, just give her your reasons why it doesn't work for you. after all you are the adult and your say is final.

good luck

AtticAttack3000 · 06/05/2022 14:19

The mistake you're making is allowing her to think it's an option, so she thinks if she nags enough you'll give in. Be clear with her that it's impossible to give her a good education from home in your current circumstances (which it is from what you've described) then empathise with her and talk about other options for making her life better, she may feel very sad and have fixated on this. She needs to accept it's not an option and needs your help to think about other options.

XelaM · 06/05/2022 14:26

memememe · 06/05/2022 14:19

right there is a whole load of bollocks on here being written by people who nothing about home education. first of all its home education, not home school. home school is where you do school at home with the work set by the school.

she doesn't need to have a parent with her all day (if you are happy for her to be alone) education doesn't have to happen within school hours. it can happen anytime...weekends and evenings are acceptable.

she can make use of online learning, a tutor either at home or out in small home ed groups, or she can self learn!! yes she really can.

op i suggest you look again at the options available. join some home ed facebook groups to get info on what groups and activities are on in you're area and of you still don't want to home ed her, then its your decision at the end of the day, just give her your reasons why it doesn't work for you. after all you are the adult and your say is final.

good luck

That's all lovely if you don't care whether your kid ever passes more than 2-3 GCSEs (if that) or gets to A-levels or uni.

if I let my daughter "self-educate", she would get to phd-level proficiency in TikTok and Instagram and that's about it.

womaniswomaniswoman · 06/05/2022 14:29

memememe · 06/05/2022 14:19

right there is a whole load of bollocks on here being written by people who nothing about home education. first of all its home education, not home school. home school is where you do school at home with the work set by the school.

she doesn't need to have a parent with her all day (if you are happy for her to be alone) education doesn't have to happen within school hours. it can happen anytime...weekends and evenings are acceptable.

she can make use of online learning, a tutor either at home or out in small home ed groups, or she can self learn!! yes she really can.

op i suggest you look again at the options available. join some home ed facebook groups to get info on what groups and activities are on in you're area and of you still don't want to home ed her, then its your decision at the end of the day, just give her your reasons why it doesn't work for you. after all you are the adult and your say is final.

good luck

So the alternative to OP giving up her job to home educate would be:

  • OP to continue working
  • 13 year old to be sitting at home alone all day
  • OPs gets home from work and spends her evenings home educating or spends her free time at weekends doing it
And this is better than just going to school because...?