AIBU to dread telling my DD no

[Funkyslippers]

DD (13) has got it in her head that she'd like to be homeschooled. She says she hates getting up early for school, being around people she doesn't like (most of the other pupils!), wasting time in lessons and not really learning anything (hard for me to comment on that as we haven't even had a parents' evening yet this year). After much persuasion on her part, I said I couldn't make a decision until I'd done some research. Well now I have and I've decided it won't work for her, for many reasons, mainly because she'd be on her own all day and is not particularly motivated and really quite lazy and there'd be noone to support her learning or check any gaps. Also she would have very little social interaction. I've already made these points to her but she had an answer for both but I've still made up my mind.

But she's set her heart on this and is absolutely convinced it's the right thing for her. I'm dreading going home later as she will start on at me again and I know once I've said no she will be heartbroken and angry. I hate to think of her unhappy at school but I'm not really sure she is, well no more than the average kid. I know school can be a bit of a chore but we all have to go through it and come out the other side.

I know I need to grow some but I just don't know how to handle this sensitively but getting my point across without an argument.

I think I'd expect her to demonstrate that she can learn well in any circumstances, including a school setting, and can find a way to get a long with a variety of people, before I'd even slightly consider a change in her educational arrangements.

I'd have no reason to suppose she would learn well when mostly alone and learn to get along with all sorts when largely avoiding them, unless she demonstrated excellent progress at school, although she considers it sub-optimal, for several years.

Couldn't have put it better myself

Suggests giving up your job would enable you to home school her. Is she prepared to accept the financial repercussions of that? No Sky /no car /no lifts /no allowance /no holidays.

I agree with @Clymene and I can’t understand PP’s suggesting that your dd could demonstrate how it would work etc. some things with teens are a discussion and a negotiation, this isn’t and it’s much kinder to be clear with her and stick to that.

She's being ridiculous, as are you for entertaining the idea. Unless you're going to give up your life tutor her, she just wants to sit at home all day. That's dropping out, she isn't going to suddenly become academic, and you risk trouble with the authorities when they realise she's not being educated at all.

Get her off bloody YouTube. She clearly isn't mature enough to discern realistic situations from utter guff.

And you need to get tougher. You're not her friend. When she demands utter nonsense, you say no, you don't convince her she's got a chance.

Yes homeschooling isnt lockdown learning - it would need to be properly structured and working towards exam.

She sounds disengaged though from school - has she made friends?

I think the only way this would work would be paying for an online school and if she was very motivated- neither of which seem viable/true.

That's not home schooling. That's leaving your kid at home all day with a book. Literally no one 'homeschools' that way. That's just neglect.

Honestly the weird thing here is not the kid talking bollocks, as kids do, it's you thinking that your daughter deserves nothing better than being stuck at home alone with a textbook and a Bitesize worksheet.

You need to mature fast or she'll be running rings around you.

Could you look into Inter High?

Maybe also get her to prove that she is capable of self study and also of staying off her phone and keeping herself occupied. There are enough hours outside of school time for her to demonstrate this. Suggest she sets herself a number of projects or learning objectives to complete before the end of term, set her some guidelines, and also set her the task of exploring how to sit gcse's and A levels if you are homeschooled. Perhaps also suggest that she needs to put together a plan and that you will consider it for the end of next year before she starts the GCSE curriculum.. though she might actually find that when it comes to year 10, she enjoys school more because of the increase in structure.

But only go down this route if she really does prove to be capable and motivated and you are prepared to allow her to do this.

As others have said.. home education does not usually mean being on your own all day while your parents work...but if you do want to explore it further, join some of the home ed groups on line and find out how working parents manage home education.

I honestly don’t understand why you have given any time to this daft idea

I would be digging deeper to find out if there is something specific happened/happening at school to prompt her wanting to avoid it, not getting bullied into considering it

Are you always a bit frightened of her ? What other ridiculous things have you capitulated on ?

I think you're mad to have let the conversation get this far!

Can I home school?
No, we have to work.
And repeat.

I'd just tell her straight. She wouldn't even apply herself to remote learning during lockdown, there is no way she could be trusted to homeschool full time with no one supervising her. She's demonstrated that already.

If she kicks off, she kicks off. Teenagers are always stropping about something or other.

Just lay out the reasons why it won't work and stick to it.

My daughter would love to be "homeschooled" alone all day! She would be laying about on the sofa on her phone half the day and spending the other half at the livery yard where she rides. No education whatsoever would take place at any point.

Can you imagine what these 'gentle parenting' types do all day, how much time must be spent negotiating and coming up with PowerPoint presentations justifying a case instead of just saying no? Their kitchen table must be like a board room, the amount of meetings that must go on 😂

Maybe you could consider changing schools instead?

Or talking to her current school, to try to understand what the root of the problem is.

Just say no....however are there other schools that could be an option? I know I struggled at school at that age and was convinced they could just give me the work on Monday and I could drop it back on Friday:) 😃 I hated school and there were issues at home and school that contributed to that and so skipped school a lot..
My mum did look but there were no other places at other schools and it may not have made a difference anyway as the issues were as much external/teenage angst and social misfit at school .... the learning stuff always seemed the easy bit..
In the end I got a couple of qualifications and went to work at 16......which suited me much better and returned to learning later...
Not sure would be possible n9w

Teenagers will argue about almost anything, you'll just have to say no and be firm. Worth trying to find out if there is an issue at school which is being hidden and may be part of her wish.

The point about home schooling is that it has to be structured, in a not dissimilar way to the school day. There are lots of groups and opportunities to get together with other home school families, but that would rely on someone being able to take her and bring her back, which isn’t you OP, because you’re at work.

Home schooling is a family thing and everyone needs to be involved. It isn’t popping to the library or watching a few YouTube videos. Without someone to take her to home school groups, she’ll spend days on her own. Will she be motivated to do that and work? Can you afford tutors, resources, practical sessions for some subjects, exam fees etc.

YouTube is shit for us normal parents of teens. Mine is older now but when she was younger she used to complain that she didn't have a massive bedroom with marble bathroom and a walk in wardrobe, that our car was too old and too small, our house was embarrassing and small, that we don't live in the USA, that our family never had any fun, we didn't have family trips to Disney with matching tshirts and suitcases and yes she blatherd on about homeschooling too. I just battled through each thing and waited for her to gain the maturity to realise this isn't how most families live, and actually she has a pretty good life!

You're doing the right thing, op. Homeschooling obviously wont work for your family. She'll be disappointed and upset with you and I totally get how that will affect you, but it will pass... and then she'll probably start on about something else!

I'm very pro home education but no way would I let a kid of this age do this. An older, very independent, motivated kid, for a short period of time, maybe, but with no poor reflections on your daughter she doesn't seem to be in that position. Whilst home ed should encourage independence imo it needs a parent for to oversee and drive that independence. Especially socially, at that age. I wouldn't dream of continuing home ed later if DH and I can't arrange work to have one of us around a significant proportion of the time, unless we ended up living near a really good co-op - in fact even then. Home ed isn't supposed to be about stepping away from the world, avoiding things or being alone, it's supposed to be a different way of engaging.
Is moving schools a possibility? Is there a chance there's something wrong that she hasn't told you about?

As you work, it should never have been up for discussion in the first place.

You've given her false hope by saying you'll look into it and that really isn't fair.

Is there a chance that she has undiagnosed ADHD or autism? Just asking the question because, well maybe it is something that is behind her reluctance to go to school.

Haha she’s really got you where she wants you hasn’t she? What teenager wouldn’t want to stay in bed as long as they want, have the house to themselves all day and decide what they do and what they don’t want to study and when? So she’ll be angry and ‘heartbroken’ ( ) when you tell her it ain’t happening? So what. She needs to learn that we all have to do things we don’t want to do and she’ll just need to suck it up like everyone else.

^^This.

You should have knocked the whole idea on the head from the beginning.

Don't discuss it any further, there's nothing to discuss. It can't happen.

She's a 13 year old child. You'd have no idea what's she'd be doing all day while she's at home on her own; whatever it is, it wouldn't be school work. It would be the height of irresponsibility on your part to allow this to happen.

Leaving a child on their own all day with no social interaction sounds like a recipe for depression as well. It's not a healthy way for anyone to live. She needs to be out in the world meeting people, going to school and getting an education.

She might not like it. But that's the way it has to be.

I know I need to grow some but I just don't know how to handle this sensitively but getting my point across without an argument.

I don't think you can do it without an argument, but you need to do it.