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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to dread telling my DD no

208 replies

Funkyslippers · 06/05/2022 11:45

DD (13) has got it in her head that she'd like to be homeschooled. She says she hates getting up early for school, being around people she doesn't like (most of the other pupils!), wasting time in lessons and not really learning anything (hard for me to comment on that as we haven't even had a parents' evening yet this year). After much persuasion on her part, I said I couldn't make a decision until I'd done some research. Well now I have and I've decided it won't work for her, for many reasons, mainly because she'd be on her own all day and is not particularly motivated and really quite lazy and there'd be noone to support her learning or check any gaps. Also she would have very little social interaction. I've already made these points to her but she had an answer for both but I've still made up my mind.

But she's set her heart on this and is absolutely convinced it's the right thing for her. I'm dreading going home later as she will start on at me again and I know once I've said no she will be heartbroken and angry. I hate to think of her unhappy at school but I'm not really sure she is, well no more than the average kid. I know school can be a bit of a chore but we all have to go through it and come out the other side.

I know I need to grow some but I just don't know how to handle this sensitively but getting my point across without an argument.

OP posts:
Bimster · 06/05/2022 14:40

Agree with others that you shouldn't have let her think this was an option- I'd be really clear with her now. But I'd also talk to her about what it is that she thinks she'd like about home school and whether there is some way to achieve the same objective eg if she finds her current school big and unfriendly, could she move schools to one that is smaller and more nurturing?

RestingPandaFace · 06/05/2022 14:43

I think that you can spin this quite positively for her. You’ve given it a serious look and haven’t just said outright no, but simply can’t make home ed work.

As a follow- up is there something about the school that doesn’t work for her, could you look together at other school and see if a different environment might suit her better?

bendmeoverbackwards · 06/05/2022 14:47

Does she have any SEN?

Have you considered an online school? Some were set up during lockdown in case schools had to close again.

Ellie56 · 06/05/2022 14:51

@Funkyslippers

Home education is clearly not going to work and she needs to know this is definitely not an option.

But I think you need to get to the bottom of what's behind her aversion to this school, exploring this with your DD and talking to the form teacher or Head of Year.

Not every school suits every child, so it may be worth investigating other schools in the area, to see if there is one that might suit her better.

Dixiechickonhols · 06/05/2022 14:53

memememe all those options involve Op spending time and money which she says isn’t possible. Op can’t just go to work daily and say DD’s self learning - that’s not ensuring she has an education.

MissChanandlerBong80 · 06/05/2022 14:55

I’m not at all knowledgeable about home ed so please excuse me if this is a stupid comment, but would leaving her at home alone all day to teach herself even be lawful? It’s a legal requirement for all children aged 5 and up to be in full time education, whether that’s at home or in school, and the handful of people I know who home educate their kids dedicate pretty much the same amount of time to it as a teacher in a school would (ie full time). Would leaving a kid by themselves with some resources even meet the legal requirements to count as education?

Because if you can tell her you’ve looked into it and it would be unlawful then that would hopefully put a firm stop to it.

resuwen · 06/05/2022 14:55

I'm with others here. I often dread telling my daughter 'no', because her character tends towards the role of charming but utterly tyrannical despot. where I'm naturally an amenable peacemaker. The trick is never giving an inch in the first place! You've brought this on yourself (but you do have my sympathies)!

Perfumelover18 · 06/05/2022 14:56

she doesn't need to have a parent with her all day (if you are happy for her to be alone) education doesn't have to happen within school hours. it can happen anytime...weekends and evenings are acceptable.

Actually, she does need a parent or another adult with her. How many 13 year olds do you think are capable of getting out of bed, accessing online learning and making good progress, on their own? I would suspect none.

MintyMoocow · 06/05/2022 15:00

I think “Dream on, I have a life too!” Should just about cover it.

PeekAtYou · 06/05/2022 15:02

If it was possible for 13yo to stay at home and teach themselves, don't you think that the Tories would have done it already ?

Bravo to home educators of 11+ year olds but it ok to say no. If you want to spare her feelings then use the "different laws in America" and the "I can't teach you after work" excuses.

TabithaTittlemouse · 06/05/2022 15:04

Have you considered changing schools rather than dropping out?

GreenWillowAndCatkins · 06/05/2022 15:04

PinkSyCo · 06/05/2022 13:01

Well that didn’t take long.

That's a bit bloody rude. We have used homeschooling (through online providers) for two out of four DC who are neurodivergent but masked very well at school. We were repeatedly told "bright but lazy" or "won't make friends / is too spikey / just needs to be braver". Turns out this wasn't the case at all.

However, in order to achieve this there has had to be a parent at home full time to support, manage, enforce, cheerlead, find resources at a moment's notice etc. That is the only way it is possible. DD did GCSEs this way, has ten of the blighters and is now back in mainstream 6th Form and applying to Uni.

I'd recommend both InterHigh and MyOnlineSchooling, depending on the child, if this is the route you want to take.

QuillBill · 06/05/2022 15:05

It's you who is talking bollocks @memememe . Or you haven't read the OP's posts.

She can't afford tutors.

she can self learn!! yes she really can.
Her daughter is not a self motivated learner and she did not do the primary school lockdown learning never mind GCSEs.

I completely disagree with you that you can leave a 13 year old at home day after day while you work and then home educate her in the evenings and weekends. That's two full time jobs for the OP.

Dixiechickonhols · 06/05/2022 15:09

I’d definitely try and move conversation on to why. Her saying Homeschooling is her way of saying current set up is not working for me. You’ve had no communication with school you can get on that straight away.
What’s going on. Is there a reason for more time wasting eg has she gone into lower set, lots of teachers left or is there a reason her tolerance for peers is low. Bullying? Someone Suggested additional needs earlier - girls are often diagnosed later - is it a possibility.

WombatChocolate · 06/05/2022 15:12

This is a decision parents make. It’s not a child/teen choice.

Parents have to believe that normal schooling isn’t working for their children and have strong reasons to believe that they are able to effectively home school and it will be beneficial for their children.

Crucially parents have to want to do jt and be able to do it. Otherwise it is just kids staying at home.

Not liking school or being abut unhappy isn’t a reason to go to hmewschooking. That’s a huge leap. Lots of kids don’t like school, have all kinds of issues and homeschooling isn’t the right thing for them or quite simply isn’t Possible

How much conversation with the school have you and DD had about her current issues and difficulties. Working through those is likely to be the key. In most cases these can be worked out. If not, other schools might be possible. She needs to be educated, you can’t homeschool and there is no clear and strong reason for it anyway.

Teens develop all kinds of ideas. Lots also think they are going to happen when they are pipe dreams or totally unrealistic. They often latch onto an idea and become furious when it doesn’t happen or anyone speaks reason to them about it. It’s a feature if some teens.

Your conversation won’t be easy, but you must be clear and firm. Be clear that it’s not going to happen and would require a capable adult at home to deliver it and isn’t just about being online and teens DIYing. Make clear you take her upset about school seriously and will be pursuing conversations with school about that to address the isssues and won’t rest until there is improvement. But shut the door firmly on homeschooling and after this conversation, don’t engage with discussions about it. ‘I’m sorry, but you know I’ve said that’s not an option. I am going to be working with school to help you, but we are not going to be talking about homeschooling any further’.. End of.

If you are firm and consistent, that will help. Make sure you speak to school at the start of next week. Be seen by DD that you are taking action.

Dixiechickonhols · 06/05/2022 15:13

GreenWillowandCatkins If you don’t mind me asking is there any funding for that or is it a case of family having to pay the £5000 a year online fees. Glad it worked for your children.

GreenWillowAndCatkins · 06/05/2022 15:18

@Dixiechickonhols sadly we're having to self fund. It might be different if we had been able to force an EHCP for either child, but neither school would support that as we were off-rolled before it could be started in both cases. However, it's cheaper than private schooling for both, so we grit our teeth and get on with it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/05/2022 15:19

My dd is a year older than yours and she asked to homeschool when she was younger. It wouldn’t have worked for either of us, she’s very outgoing and would have hated not constantly interacting with other children. She, however, likes small and cosy environments and I suppose felt safer at home and there were lots of stress triggers, many of which have eased as she ages.

She changed from a smallish primary to very large state secondary and it was a big jump. Lockdown was a relief in some ways and despite being fundamentally a bit lazy, she did all of her work from the lessons despite there being pretty much zero live lessons. Your dd otoh doesn’t seem to have done this. It could be that she found the work too hard or laziness etc. My dd needed a lot of help in the first lockdown in year 7. Some of it confidence and wanting a ‘buddy’.

What I suppose I am saying is that you could perhaps look at the reason behind your dd not wanting to attend school. Friendships, bullying, the school itself, or she struggling in her learning etc. I had a quick glance at online private learning, because let’s face it, you don’t have time to homeschool and you want her to have a broad education, you’d have to pay and I had a quick google. For example, Cambridge Home School is 9k a year and works very much like a traditional school, just online. Otherwise it’s tutors or Oak National Academy, which is going to also be expensive or a hard slog. The latter of which will be very boring and lessons often go over the hour, meaning she’d be working longer to complete than a school day, albeit there would be little homework.

Perhaps set her up a school day on Oak National Academy, mark her work when you come home and see if she wants to homeschool then…

Perhaps you will get answers from parents evening. When my dd had parents evening at the end of yr8, the child the teacher were discussing at her school was so different from the person I know. She wouldn’t ask or answer questions in class, so minimal participation and after I discussed this with dd, I realised she was very stressed in class. Fine in the playground hanging with her mates.

If your dd has a particular need, for example is stressed, there are options to get the school to work with her and help identify issues in class, to make a few tweaks to help her feel more comfortable. You could also (subject to funds) get her some private tuition. Perhaps with students if you have a local university. There is a learning hub near us where the classes are taught primarily by students. And I hear very good things.

I get you wanted to give yourself time to think, which will also have both given her the idea she was being heard. But the double edged sword is that it will have given her the thought you may be swayed. So if you can identify the issue, perhaps you can tackle this together and even if nothing changes, she will at least be heard.

As for the laziness, give it time, it only clicked with my dd just before she went back to school in year 9. Things go up a notch as the groundwork is lain for GCSEs. Year 7 is a big jump and it takes a long time for the children to settle in. I’ve read schools don’t really expect much learning for the first term as there is so much learning going on outside of lessons, ie getting to grips with the new school environment, orienting themselves and so forth. Lockdown meant this process was interrupted.

My dd asked this school year to change schools, which she has now done so. She chose a smallish independent, rather similar in feel to her primary. I get that isn’t an option for everyone. But if it wasn’t for her, I would have worked with the school and filled in the gaps with private tuition.

FinallyHere · 06/05/2022 15:29

Well it would be possible technically, if I was to get all the resources ready for her say on a weekly basis, then check what she's done when I get home,

I'm very sorry, it really does seem as is that you have as much of a misconception about the role(s) of a teacher as your DD appears to have.

How are you going to engage her interest, what sanctions will you have if she hasn't done the work or has it complete to an unsatisfactory standard. How will you find different strategies to get the right message to her when she can't grasp something herself. What opportunities will DD have to mix with her peers.

The key is to get to the bottom of whatever problem exists, to which DD thinks homeschooling is the answer.

Dixiechickonhols · 06/05/2022 15:33

GreenWillowandCatkins thank you for replying. We paid for private primary for DD as she has a physical disability - didn’t qualify for any assistance but a mainstream class of 30 wouldn’t have worked either (we were in north so it was £5500 a year) Lots of children there for similar reasons. She has been fine in state secondary so we didn’t need to explore online options. It sounds very positive for your children.

YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 06/05/2022 15:40

PinkSyCo · 06/05/2022 12:59

Haha she’s really got you where she wants you hasn’t she? What teenager wouldn’t want to stay in bed as long as they want, have the house to themselves all day and decide what they do and what they don’t want to study and when? So she’ll be angry and ‘heartbroken’ ( Hmm) when you tell her it ain’t happening? So what. She needs to learn that we all have to do things we don’t want to do and she’ll just need to suck it up like everyone else.

Exactly.
She’s got you wound around her little finger.
Why do you ‘dread’ telling her ‘No’? Is she never told no for anything?
Honestly OP she needs boundaries and clear guidelines, and not allowed to dominate you.

Funkyslippers · 06/05/2022 15:40

Okiedokie2 Family Fizz. I only find them irritating as I'm a bit jealous of their lifestyle (as shown on their videos - nobody can be that happy all the time!)

OP posts:
kateandme · 06/05/2022 15:42

Jeez are we really here with parenting.
Unless underlying issue.byullying,mental health and all the rest it's no.
then no.
your her parent she listens.
My child wanted to only go to school on painting day that was a no.done... screaming about it maybe, argument ,I hate you, you've ruined my life even.next day done.because there would be walls,boundaries,safety nets in the child's every day life from school,food,life.that mean deep down even on the fuckiest of decisions our parents make we no and feel it's out of care,love.so actually we feel safer here.we don't question ourselves or other things so much.parents set this wall of safety and rules around us.

kateandme · 06/05/2022 15:44

You also need for her own sanity from body image,to skin,ads,lifestyle,selling ...that online is all ALL LIES.you see the snippet they sell you,tell you of.its all lies.its how they make money and a platform.its how they lure you in.online is lies.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 06/05/2022 15:50

I would say fairly bluntly that the law makes you responsible for educating her. You cannot do this via home schooling because in reality home schooling is a full time job, and you already have one. She will need gcses and you are not prepared to take on that responsibility.
Sometimes it's just a hard no.