AIBU to dread telling my DD no

[Funkyslippers]

DD (13) has got it in her head that she'd like to be homeschooled. She says she hates getting up early for school, being around people she doesn't like (most of the other pupils!), wasting time in lessons and not really learning anything (hard for me to comment on that as we haven't even had a parents' evening yet this year). After much persuasion on her part, I said I couldn't make a decision until I'd done some research. Well now I have and I've decided it won't work for her, for many reasons, mainly because she'd be on her own all day and is not particularly motivated and really quite lazy and there'd be noone to support her learning or check any gaps. Also she would have very little social interaction. I've already made these points to her but she had an answer for both but I've still made up my mind.

But she's set her heart on this and is absolutely convinced it's the right thing for her. I'm dreading going home later as she will start on at me again and I know once I've said no she will be heartbroken and angry. I hate to think of her unhappy at school but I'm not really sure she is, well no more than the average kid. I know school can be a bit of a chore but we all have to go through it and come out the other side.

I know I need to grow some but I just don't know how to handle this sensitively but getting my point across without an argument.

You're the parent so why are you "dreading" telling her about something that is necessary and beneficial to her for the future.

Well that didn’t take long.

There’s your answer. There is no way this will work and you are failing her if you don’t parent assertively here.

@PinkSyCo Don't take a pop at me. I do have experience of this with inattentive ADD being mistaken for laziness. So I think perfectly ok for me to mention it.

because she'd be on her own all day

Why on earth did you say you’d think about it then?!

How could you possibly home school if you work? That’s not home school, it’s ‘no’ school.

I don't really think you need to discuss it, and probably made a mistake entertaining the idea in the first place. 13 is far too young to have an understanding of the life-long consequences of decisions. With teenagers you just need to say no sometimes and not discuss it, because discussion just prolongs the agony. Certainly don't argue back - there's nothing to argue about. Just say 'no, this isn't the best thing for you, and is impossible for me' and leave her to sulk. (Speaking as parent of a now lovely 20yo and 16yo)

You can explain to her that what she is describing is unsupervised independent self-study which is firstly inappropriate for a child and secondly something she has shown no aptitude for, given her response to lockdown home learning.

Not wanting to get up in the morning and wanting to be shielded from people she doesn't like are both very poor "reasons" for wanting to do home learning, even if it were an option.

Agree with all the above, especially @Copperpottle .

And also agree that you can look into moving schools.

But I am 😱and 🤯 that it is term 5 and you not only haven't had a parent/teacher meeting, but also not one single written progress report. My DD got 6 a year as well as a detailed end of year report

YANBU, you or another adult need to be there.

if your DD is saying she will study Spanish, PE etc. then I would set her a challenge. During the 6 week summer holiday she needs to demonstrate she can self motivate, plan and learn and not laze around. Do not promise anything, instead point out behaviour during lockdown and that she would need to demonstrate she has the self discipline to manage her own learning.

Make no promises but tell her to demonstrate she has matured you will set her the following challenge:

1. She needs to set 2 or 3 SMART (Specific, Measurable, Achievable/Agreed, Realistic/Relevant and Time bound/Timely) learning objectives that she will complete over the summer holidays I.e. by 31 August (or suitable date).
2. She needs to research what SMART objectives are, then write her own. You will help if asked, but will not do it for her nor will you prompt her. The objectives must be agreed with you by 30 June.
3. One objective must be a physical activity I.e learning a new sport, doing x sport/exercise regularly, she can be creative e.g dancing, gardening, orienteering etc. The objective should have a weekly requirement e.g. do 3 hours of x activity each week/30 minutes of exercise 5 days each week.
4. One must be educational e.g learn a new language, new skill etc.
5. Ideally, include a group activity I.e. playing a team sport.

You need to agree the objectives, but she has to write them, you can help her but she has to do this. The important bit, do not prompt her, but do give her help if she asks for it. No objectives by 30 June is evidence of why home schooling without an adult isn’t viable.

If she produces the objectives then she has learnt a skill. The next step is to let her get on with the tasks over the summer. Again don’t prompt, help if asked but let her get on with it. At the end of the summer she will either have lazed around and done nothing, or rush to do the tasks in the last week (this is why make one objective weekly) or she will have risen to the challenge.

If she rises to the challenge, and some children will, then reward her (make it a surprise at the end, no hints). This doesn’t mean home schooling, but she will have learnt/developed new skills and you will be in a better place to have a discussion about home schooling.

If she doesn’t achieve the objectives but has made an effort then reward her (surprise). This then strengthens your argument against home schooling.

If she lazes about all summer then no homeschooling as she hasn’t demonstrated she has the self discipline.

I think she needs to focus on sorting out her friendship issues.

If you think the education is really the issue and you can afford it you could also see whether there is a progressive school near you, like Wotton House in Gloucestershire of Atelier 21 in Sussex. Time over I would investigate them. Gove's influence on the remaking of GCSEs has turned them into a poor educational experience. It is no wonder so many teenagers are stressed to pieces.

Home schooling needs an adult to do the schooling! It isn't just being left at home alone.

Just get a job and say no that you are employed elsewhere and can’t help her. It sounds completely unsuitable for her, and you. All the best.

I don't understand why you even said you would look into it. You know you work, she knows you work, so there was never any possibility of going down this route. What you are discussing isn't homeschooling, which requires you to provide a full-time education for your child. While there is no specific definition of 'full-time' - as far as I know - and while home educators do have a lot of flexibility, there is no realistic way you could argue that you are homeschooling based on 'a couple of hours a day', with her left to her own devices for most of the day. That's not homeschooling - it's just letting her not go to school. Leaving aside the basic fact that she won't actually get an education out of it, can you imagine trying to convince a local authority inspector that you are, in fact, home educating a 13 year-old, despite never actually being in the house during the standard school day?

There doesn't need to be an argument because there's no argument to be had!

So can I be homeschooled?
No, because I'm not at home to teach you.
But I want to.
Well, you can't. What do you want for dinner?

Then ignore any sulking and flouncing. At 13 she no doubt knows perfectly well that this is a non-starter, but she's sensed weakness with you saying you'd think about it, and probably now thinks she's hit the jackpot and you might actually roll over and find a way to make this work.

Foot down!

It does sound like the inital mistake was letting her think it was a viable idea in the first place.

Secondary is where you start to need subject specialists - more so when she starts GCSEs and that one argument to make clear to her.

Now there are on-line schools - were she'd have to log on and have access to such specialists but they cost and then there sorting out and paying for sitting the exams - not sure all cover those.

I would try and find out were this is coming from - and I'd contact the school as well to see what they were aware of.

It does come down to you being the parent - and deciding on how she is educated - so if there are problems with the school she needs to tell you so you can work with school to sort them or see if other schools in area are an option.

I also wouldn't assume it's just seeing a you tube video - I suspect if you dig deeper there will be something at school bothering her.

Thats not home schooling leaving he rto do it alone-tell her she cant do this and you would get i trouble

can she maybe change school

OP I'm in agreement that you need to say an unambiguous NO at this point - homeschooling requires a parent at home, she is indeed suggesting unsupervised self study which just isn't appropriate for her age.

But also I think you are right to be sensitive that she's unhappy for whatever reason at school. Now that you know she NEEDS to spend the next few years in this environment, I think you could reassure her that you have her back and are on her team and want to help her find strategies that improve her time there.

Then see if she wants you to arrange a meeting with the school for you both to identify what her underlying issues are at school and how to improve them. There might be concrete things that they could offer that would improve her day-to-day.

I think being blunt about no homeschooling and leaving at that risks her taking the matter into her own hands and truanting, which would also be disastrous for her education.

Wish you the best of luck.

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate the replies. I know I should have nipped it in the bud straight away and not let it get this far. I'm kicking myself for that.

At the end of the day, as others have said, nobody will be around to monitor her and I can't afford live lessons.

So I will be telling her later, in the words of the lovely Amanda Holden "it's a no from me"!!!

Apologies, you have a job!!!!!

Ok I think you know that it’s not homeschooling if a child is at home on their own watching tv. That’s leaving school!!

Would an online school like interhigh work then possibly a 14-16 program if a college she can get too?
She might do well with the break and college is a more mature environment

I’m a qualified teacher and for me to set decent lessons it takes a lot of time each week. I know it’s different for you because you would only be doing it for one child but you don’t have the training so everything would take you longer than it does me, I couldn’t do it on top of a full time job!

Maybe threaten to teach her 5am-8pm so she loses the idea of a lie in.

I'd be concerned about why she'll be heartbroken if she has to go to school. It's not good enough to say she's as miserable as the standard miserable school girl. This could rankle in years to come and she may feel genuinely like home education is a ray of hope for her.

I home educated. Discharging my responsibility to educate my children weighs heavily on my mind and takes hours. It is also expensive as they get older and need specialist tutors and equipment (quite expensive when younger too with all the manipulatives and craft).

I don't know your circumstances but I don't know how you could do it and work. If you're not working and she's desperately unhappy it may be something to see if you can juggle. I say this but because a lot of parents who home educate started after the panic attacks and insomnia etc set in and wish they had seen the warning signs of anxiety and depression earlier. You do have a responsibility to support your child's mental health as far as you possibly can.

Unfortunately school doesn't work for everyone just like we couldn't all manage life in a commune or work in a school. Look at other schooling options too.

By saying you’ll research etc you gave her hope.

you should be clear. No more discussions, it’s not happening.

fwiw my ds wanted to be home schooled after the covid disruption and it would suit him but it’s not practical. He kept asking but I clearly explained it and he doesn’t ask anymore! He’s 12.

But I am 😱and 🤯 that it is term 5 and you not only haven't had a parent/teacher meeting, but also not one single written progress report. My DD got 6 a year as well as a detailed end of year report

We're only slightly better than this - two reports with just numbers and one word and one p/t on-line meeting. It's not good and I know some of my children contemporaries/even friends are starting to trunat as their needs aren't being met by the school.

I’d have stamped this out well before now, why on earth did you pander to this nonsense in the first place?
Of course she has to go to school, she’s being absolutely ridiculous to assume that you can just simply homeschool her with not experience, no time and no extra money.
Just say absolutely no way, you’re the adult, it’s your rules. Why do parents allow themselves to be manipulated by teens and their unrealistic notions?

You have looked into it you aren’t just saying no you are giving good reasons. You obviously can’t homeschool if you aren’t there and can’t afford tutors/online.
But I would look at what’s going on. Speak to DD. Contact head of year and ask for progress update and explain DD is not happy.
If she’s after a fresh start is a move of school possible. Some areas still have UTC I think that take from yr 10.