Grandparents not wanting to do childcare...

[Chewchewaboogiw]

Have been thinking about several people I know whose planned retirememt or part time work has been changed as they have been asked to do childcare for their dgc and now they are doing chikdcare say 3 days a week instead of their plan to travel. And not massively happy about it ( in one case another.baby due also)..I have seen a post response recently that said that they take dgc out but they are not there for childcare. If you dont do childcare for your dgc how did you say no?( I am not in that position at present but i can imagine it would be hard work ..) I would imagine / fear adult ds would be hurt if they were told no dont want to do chikdcare and cant imagine how it would be phrased in a positive way.. anyone said no and is it bu to say you dont want to ... or is it now expected. I know that all families.different, am just asking about families who are comfortable in saying no .

I have never asked / expected any childcare from my parents or my in laws so you may not have to tell your children no when the time comes.
Maybe have some honest conversations about what your friends experiences have been before that time so that there are no expectations later down the line?
My children have brilliant relationships with all their grandparents and they all love one another very much. It is lovely when grandparents feel able to help with childcare and certainly helps financially but I don’t think it should be expected.

My mum has never looked after my children, she made it clear it wasn’t happening and it was “my choice to have them”

None of my adult children are (as far as I know) are close to considering having children but unprompted my middle child said that he would never expect me to do regular childcare. i think I must have subtly instilled this in them as they grew up.

Thanks for reply. If I had them i am sure I wd adore them and always help out in emergency as well as regulary have them for sleepovers to let parents have time, take them to beach .. allsorts! But i just feel anxoius about being in a position to have to say no to say like a part time job in terms of time commitment. My friend who is younger than me for example works 2 days a week , then has dgc 3 days a week. The other gp said no, so she does it all. She feels she cant go away etc.

As a parent you have already done your share of childcare!

As a grandparent, if you have the time/want to help, then that's fine. But in no way should it be expected of you.

My mum did her fair share of childcare and now it's dogs. She has her own then my sister and brothers bouncy dogs 2/3 days each.

I'd start having the conversations now, like a PP said - using your friends as an example "Susan's had to give up her plans to travel to look after little Johnny three days a week can you imagine? I feel so sorry for her, I hope you know I wouldn't be giving up my freedoms like that" etc.
We don't live near either set of parents so it's not really an issue but I've had similar conversations with my parents who also have friends who have given up (or delayed) travel plans and hobbies. We are both equally scandalised by the thought but it's good to know we are on the same page. My MIL would happily sell up and move to us to provide 24 hour care if we let her, however. As much as I love her (and I do) that isn't something we will countenance. So I think it's personal choice but as with most family situations open communication is better so there are no surprises.

i am currently looking at returning to work and as part of the discussions we talked to both grandmothers to see if they would be interested in being involved with childcare. (Grandfathers still work) It was very much, I am planning to go back to work x days would you want to be involved in childcare for x and if so what it might look like.

one gm said that they would prefer not to be restricted with their own life (leads an active lifestyle and looks after her dm with shopping etc) so would not want to commit to have the child x days a week, which we are totally fine with. I actually prefer knowing it’s not really her thing, it is after all her time to do what she wants now her dcs have grown up!

I think it’s best to be honest with what you want and can do when the conversation comes up. I’m sure your ds would not want you to worry about this and would want what’s best for you and the child. I hope that helps in some way.

In 17 years our eldest 3 dc have stayed at their Nans 3 times, our youngest dc have never been looked after by anyone else.

I don’t expect childcare however it would have been nice as other grandchildren were frequently looked after by both nans.

When our DC have their own DC I hope I’m fortunate enough to be able and asked to help out with them.

My parents made it clear before there were any grandkids, I'm not sure I would have asked anyway as it's such a commitment and its one of those things if they do it for one grandkid they feel like they've got to do it for them all. I think parents should factor in childcare before they get pregnant- things can change and parents can become infirm or ill or end up having to work more or longer than expected so it should never be relied upon in my opinion.

My parents have a great relationship with my kids, helped loads when they were babies (my mum came and stayed for a few weeks and they always cooked and cleaned and did jobs when they visited) and are happy to babysit, or help in emergencies etc, it's just the regular drudge of week in week out childcare they didnt want them to do and I dont blame them at all

The best excuse is not being physically fit enough to fun around after young children, which is often true of GP who offer to help then struggle.

I find it mad that people ask to be honest its effectively asking for the equivalent of thousands of pounds just because family. Surely it's the kind of thing that people offer??

The only parents I’ve seen on here complaining about grandparents refusing to do childcare, are the parents whose grandparents actually offered to do childcare and then changed their minds. Make it clear now what you willing to do regarding childcare/babysitting etc

We had a bit of a hybrid, DH and I worked opposite shifts when our DC were small and my MIL looked after the DC for an hour twice a week when we had a clash, I would drop them to her work as she was finishing and I was on my way to my shift then she would bring them back to my house until DH got home.
I never asked nor expected any of the grandparents to do whole days, which is why we worked opposite shifts.

My parents were well into their 70s when I had kids. They did do the odd evening babysitting, but I never expected them to have them for daycare, and my in laws never had them ever - it just wasn't ever a question.
You have kids you take care of them or organise (pay) for another to. If your parents are happy to do it great, but they should never feel obliged. As for having to give up work or time for their own plans? No way.
This doesn't preclude grandparents having a lovely relationship with their grandkids, but they've done their child rearing and should now enjoy their own time on their terms.

I think in most societies it is pretty normal for all the family to help with childcare if they can. Our society is so disparate from that. I guess people have evolved in our society to be, well quite selfish I suppose, other than to care for own children there doesn't seem to be much other responsibilities felt such as for care of our elderly and extended family. In a way it is sad, but then in other respects people do I suppose get more 'me' time or travelling time etc. There is an expectation that the state will help out with everything, not just health care, but childcare, elderly care.

I think grandparents helping with childcare is always a bonus not an expectation in our society. They might be still working, if parents are young, or travelling, or busy with hobbies, or not that interested or ill, or dead. I always think it is a wonderful gift though if the grandparents are able to be and want to be involved. I would hope to be that kind of grandparent if I was lucky enough to have grand children while still young enough to help. I would just as likely to have swanned off to sunnier climes and leave the little brats and grand brats to it though!

We have never had any help with childcare. I kind of think this kind of mindset is dying out. With the goalposts keep moving with retirement age and pensions in general being pretty terrible, grandparents cannot afford to look after their grandchildren. My parents still work fulltime as do my inlaws. We have stopped at 2 kids as every child sets us back financially 4 years. Government incentive doesn't kick in until 3 years old so you are basically on your own until then.

As someone in the later years of my career I definitely do not want the care of any grandchildren now or in thw future I've done my bit this is my time.

That doesn't diminish Any love or care. But why should I have that responsibility. They aren't my children.

Growing up, we'd be sent off to stay with my grandparents for a fortnight every summer. Some summer's we would trade and spend a fortnight with each set. This was brilliant: gave my parents a break and let us know our families. I don't think my parents would ever have dreamt of asking my grandparents for regular care.

That said, my parents could afford full childcare for us. I think there's a marked difference between what is done for ease/obligation and what is done out of real financial necessity.

Not 100% sure now what you are asking if YABU about. I said YABU, meaning YABU to worry about saying no to your dc (but if your question is something else, my vote might have been different).

I mean, why on earth should you ?
I know there are DGPs who want to, which is fine - their choice - but there is no 'expectation'.
If you think there is, looking around your friends or their friends, then start bringing it up in conversation now, long before it is ever a possibility. Let them plan it into how they plan their lives and when to have dc.

I hope when (if) my dc have their own dc I am fit and well enough to be able to babysit when they want to go out occasionally or have a bit of time to do things, and I hope I will be able to help them out if the dc are unwell (or they are unwell), or with the odd INSET day etc etc, but I am not planning to work full time as a child carer through my retirement.

My daughter is a single Mum and doing a fantastic job. I do have grandchild once a week for sleepover..my daughter is at Uni doing her masters and I look at the long term benefits. If she gets 24 hrs on her own to recharge then long term we will all benefit.

I work night shifts, so that I don't use our parents as childcare. I want them to enjoy being grandparents and not feel like It's chore when we do ask them (about twice a year) so that we can have a date night.

Well my mother said 'well I'm not looking after it' when I announced my pregnancy (married, 30 and working in the family business). A congratulations or something first would've been nice. Took DD out for the first time when she was 7. Barely sees the kids and tends to learn what they're doing from other people (never speaks to them much when she does see them, and never asks about them). They're good kids, do all sorts of stuff, she's missed so much, her choice.

When I had my first baby I was told by my mother not to expect her to babysit. Her time of looking after children was over.
I had three children in four years and she never once offered to help me in any way. She was not interested in them and only saw them on birthdays or at Christmas.

When my grandchildren came along I helped and still do. My children always ask and don't expect and unless I have something else arranged I always say yes.

i think it is those people who have a family and assume that grandparents will be there for childcare so they can work and avoid nursery fees who are thoughtless and entitled, not stopping to think that grandparents get tired and need time to themselves.

I know life has changed, but living has always been expensive. People want so much more these days and a lot of grandparents are used to subsidise their children's lifestyle which breeds resentment.
I know someone who has cut her daughter off completely because she was using her for childcare, dropping children off and not coming back when she said she would. It was an abuse of her good nature. One day she cut her off and although it seemed harsh, I understand why she did it.

I am a parent, not a grandparent, and it is absolutely not expected that grandparents provide child care. I would never ask them to provide regular day to day care. It isn’t fair to them and it is also just short-sighted. If the grandparents are the regular care, then they aren’t going to be available to be the people you call in an emergency because your regular child care is unavailable.

I’m happy that the grandparents on Dh’s side are willing to help out in a pinch or to provide a rare date night, that is incredibly generous. they don’t need to do more.