Grandparents not wanting to do childcare...

[Chewchewaboogiw]

Have been thinking about several people I know whose planned retirememt or part time work has been changed as they have been asked to do childcare for their dgc and now they are doing chikdcare say 3 days a week instead of their plan to travel. And not massively happy about it ( in one case another.baby due also)..I have seen a post response recently that said that they take dgc out but they are not there for childcare. If you dont do childcare for your dgc how did you say no?( I am not in that position at present but i can imagine it would be hard work ..) I would imagine / fear adult ds would be hurt if they were told no dont want to do chikdcare and cant imagine how it would be phrased in a positive way.. anyone said no and is it bu to say you dont want to ... or is it now expected. I know that all families.different, am just asking about families who are comfortable in saying no .

My DF said to me - I don’t really want to do childcare, but obviously if there is an emergency I will be straight there! It was a bit random though that he said this, because I had never even mentioned childcare! (My DM is no longer with us).

No none of the grandparents has looked after my children regularly (one has about 5 times in 21 years just for a couple of hours so dh and I could have a meal).
Even if I had the best relationship with my parents they're to physical disabled to be able to have my children anyway.
I don't think it is up to the grandparents to facilitate working but I would like to think if I could I would help my children out if I could.

This is pretty much exactly what my parents said. And we weren't expecting anything else - they live 2 hours away and are in their early 70s so we would never have dreamed of a weekly commitment. My PiL never said anything and we never asked. We did have a similar sort of arrangement with them pre-Covid, but they have become much more cautious and withdrawn in the last two years so sadly we see them less.

It's wonderful knowing that they're able to help with school holidays, or on the rare occasions DH and I have clashing work commitments, but most of the time it's nice just to enjoy time with all of us! Also, while they're not in bad shape for their ages, having two energetic boys (5&2) for long periods is very tiring for them (it's tiring for me!) so I wouldn't want it to become a chore. I think some grandparents agree when the DGC are cute babies who just feed, sleep and cuddle, and then struggle more when they become rampaging toddlers, or when siblings come along.

Because grandparents are at work aged 65. Because grandparents need to live close to their work, which might not be near their adult offspring. By the time they do retire, many will have health problems themselves and some will be caring for their own elderly parents. The concept of the fit, active, retired grandparent is over for most people. Cost of living and growing poverty is damaging health and lifespans of grandparents, never mind the wallet.

I love all of Grandchildren, they are the best part of being a parent. My contribution to childcare is visiting each family once a year for a week and enabling the parents to have a weekend away child free, i also have all of my Grandchildren at the same time to stay with me for a fortnight in the summer. They get to spend fun times with their Cousins, they camp on the beach with their Granda, they walk the hills and they spend hours running wild. Once they get to teenage years the plan is to have them for the usual fortnight and also to take each one away on their own for a few days. Other than that unless it is an emergency or Mum is going into hospital to have another baby, i don't do childcare and my children always knew that would be the case.

We have never had help with childcare from grandparents, our eldest is now 16. Although I really don’t expect it they’re our children and our choice, there have been times when it’s been a struggle and I feel a little resentful as our grandparents had us supporting them a lot growing up, my nan and grandad had me all the time, and my husband was practically raised by his grandma, even all his holidays etc were with her. But we never get a break, let alone regular work related childcare! My mom will randomly have 1 or 2 of our 3 children for a sleepover or a day out once in a blue moon which they love and have a great relationship with her. I just think when my time comes although I will want my freedom I know how difficult it can be so I would like to help out too

We have 20 month old DGD one day a week, have done since she was 6 months, I thought carefully about what I was prepared to commit to and that is what I offered. Ongoing medication post cancer means that I get tired easily and tbh on days when DD or DH aren’t around to help I do find it exhausting. She is gorgeous though and lots of fun and I want to be part of her life although I have been clear that apart from emergencies when of course I would help, one regular day is my limit. Now we can travel again if we can’t have her because we will be away we pay for the extra nursery day so as not to leave DS and DIL in the lurch. We had three kids with no family around so I know the importance of childcare being reliable.

What a load of claptrap. Women do raise their children. They don't give birth and bugger off (if anyone buggers off it's generally the father). And as for living longer to raise the grandchildren, we don't live in caves anymore, there aren't bears outside, but there are nurseries childminders and after school clubs. Most older women are out working now too!

And if you read these boards regularly, you'll see that the "wisdom" of older women when it comes to childcare is generally not welcome. Things are done very differently now, as I see posted often.

This idea that a woman's sole purpose is to serve others needs to stop.

I didn’t have any grandparents growing up and I had no idea grandparents doing regular childcare was a thing, until I went to uni and had a couple of friends who were really close to their grandparents. I remember my friend telling me about how her nan used to look after her every day after school and how she used to spend whole weekends with them. It suddenly made sense to me why my mum would always complain about not having any family nearby to help her out!

I watched Motherland recently and was really shocked at the whole premise (the main character suddenly needing childcare because her mum refuses to do it any more) because it’s so alien to me that people have that expectation to begin with.

I think it’s a wonderful thing when grandparents are able to offer regular help and be really involved in their grandchildren’s lives because I never had that as a child, but I don’t think there should ever be an assumption that grandparents (and let’s be honest, it’s mainly grandmas we’re talking about) put their own life plans on hold to provide unpaid childcare indefinitely.

on the other side my mum was so desperate for gran children when I didn’t really want kids so I expected some help. I have been left high and dry and resent both of them.

We had a conversation with both sets of grandparents when I went back to work after having DD1 as to whether they would be interested at all. My DM (works part-time) said she would happily be used for occasional childcare but didn't want to be to have DD regularly one day a week as it makes it difficult for her to make plans without leaving me stuck for childcare. I was absolutely fine with that and completely understood, especially as some weeks she works 4 days so having them would be her only mid-week day off. She happily has them for sleepovers etc at the weekend or to babysit when we go out.

DMiL (semi-retired) actively asked to have DD1 one day a week as she had done it for her elder grandchildren. We are very grateful as it has saved us a fortune in childcare particularly as she now also has DD2 (we offered to give her money for having them and she refused). She's actually upset she's losing time with DD1 when she starts school in September, although she'll be doing the school run for us on that day and covering school holiday childcare that day too.

I wouldn't want to do regular childcare, even if I'm well enough to do that if/when the time comes. It would be too much of a tie and frankly too tiring. But I'd be more than happy to help in an emergency, do a holiday stint or babysit so they could have a rest or a date night.

I'm surprise other people's parents don't do that (mine didn't unless I absolutely begged them but that wasn't much of a surprise as they even resented having me around as a child). It seems a bit mean to never, ever help out if you've got the capability.

My parents had mine one day a week from when they were babies. Plus on another day they did a nursery/school run. It was what they felt comfortable with.

Things can change over time too so you shouldn't assume your parents can have your DCs. A decade on from when my parents offered that arrangement they are now responsible for my grandmother who is late 90s plus they are late 70s themselves. No way could they have baby DGCs now as things stand - it would be far too much for them.

I expect to help out to care for my parents when they're elderly and I'll expect to help with DGCs too. Though that's a long way off.

I wasn’t brought up with local gps who could do daily childcare so it was never an expectation of mine having my own dc. My dh however has very fond memories of going to his gran (his mums mum) after school and he and his mum wanted that for our dc. She does after school care one day a week but still takes 5/6 holidays a year, she just gives plenty notice. it’s a good balance.

I would not provide regular childcare, however, I would certainly look after them if the parents wanted a night out, weekend away.

My auntie is 64 and still works full time. Her son asked her to have their baby overnight for the first few weeks so the mother could recover. He got told that at 64 she wasn't having disturbed sleep for anyone and that if his wife needed help it was up to him to provide that help not her. She will play with their child but hands her straight back to the parents for feeding, bathing and nappy changes. The son and dil were put out at first but have accepted the level of help she is willing to provide.

You have to be very firm and set out your boundaries from the outset, do not offer or allow yourself to be dragged in when their childcare let's them down, if they have to one of them will need to take time off. Do not allow guilty tripping and shut them down with I made sacrifices when I was a parent over to you now. Also no harm in saying you don't have the same levels of energy or patience if that is how you feel.

My parents were both working full time when mine were little. My middle dd has a 1 year old and I am still 13 years from state pension age!
Me and dh are fortunate that we are able to offer to pay for one day a week at nursery.
Looking at many colleagues, my view is that there is a non financial price where grandparents do the childcare.

@Sceptre86 that's very cheeky of them, glad she said no.

I have 3 dcs, 7,5 and 1 - I am very close with my parents - as soon as I had my first they were very happy to suggest having her frequently through the week as I worked, and have continued to do this to this day, I never assumed or take it for granted but they actively said they wanted to be able to do it and enjoy it. They know they aren't restricted either so if they wanted to go away they would and would just let me know and I would either book a day off work or find alternative child care. Dh's parents do one day a week where they take the two eldest after school, that's after we work though so more to just see and spend time with them, they have more restricted work schedules and live further away so completely understandable to not be able to commit to childcare and I never would have asked. I think it's dependant on the relationship you have with the grandparents and to acknowledge that they too have lives.

My friend who is younger than me for example works 2 days a week , then has dgc 3 days a week. The other gp said no, so she does it all. She feels she cant go away etc.

But that's her choice isn't it - or at the very least something she's allowed herself to fall into

There seems little point in being a burning martyr if she's failed to set expectations or just say no

Work forever, that’s my plan 😉. I’m now a desk jockey and if worse came to worse could wfh pretty much full time. That means the only reason I have to stop working is if I can’t even manage a flexible desk job at home, and if that’s the case I can’t imagine I’d be up for childcare.

My sister is a granny and desperate to look after the baby as much as she is allowed

My adult children are not at that stage yet - they may never be. If I am lucky enough to have a grandchild and have them living near me (neither are guaranteed) I would love to take on some childcare and would definitely cut my work hours to accommodate it - I'd see it as a huge privilege to be in that position.

My own mother took a lot of childcare from my grandparents, I was with my dads mother everyday from 6 weeks old until I was 3. Then my grandmother on my mums side looked after me in school holidays and picked me up from school 3-5.

And yet my mother plans to do absolutely zero childcare for our children as "she's done hers"

When I told my mum I was pregnant, the first thing she said to me, before she even congratulated me, was 'don't think I'll be looking after it' but maybe, in hindsight, she wasn't the best role model.

I think when ten subject comes up, be polite but firm, you'll be happy to help out in an emergency, if you can, but you can't commit to regular childcare.

I think grandparents will overtly or implicitly set boundaries - I'd agreed with my mum before I went back to work that regular all-day childcare on her own was out, as she has a chronic illness (otherwise she says she would have offered), but help in an emergency/a few days during holidays once at school was fine. And also evening babysitting was OK.

Both Dsis and I later did one day a week 'working from home' days at her house with LOs there - this wasn't at the same time, Dsis did that a few years after I stopped.

ILs both (still) work FT and run their own businesses so day help was obviously out, and anything else understandably had to be on their own terms. They could also potentially help in an emergency as they were local and self-employed, but I think on the few occasions that happened my parents were able to step up.

I don't think I will want to offer all-day regular childcare once retired - for a start I am likely to have mobility problems when I'm older - but I'd offer the same as my mum if I could, I expect.