Grandparents not wanting to do childcare...

[Chewchewaboogiw]

Have been thinking about several people I know whose planned retirememt or part time work has been changed as they have been asked to do childcare for their dgc and now they are doing chikdcare say 3 days a week instead of their plan to travel. And not massively happy about it ( in one case another.baby due also)..I have seen a post response recently that said that they take dgc out but they are not there for childcare. If you dont do childcare for your dgc how did you say no?( I am not in that position at present but i can imagine it would be hard work ..) I would imagine / fear adult ds would be hurt if they were told no dont want to do chikdcare and cant imagine how it would be phrased in a positive way.. anyone said no and is it bu to say you dont want to ... or is it now expected. I know that all families.different, am just asking about families who are comfortable in saying no .

Just do as my mum has done. No.
I was due to return back after mat leave, I asked her to watch 3 of my children for me 4 days a week for 3 hours(first time I have ever asked her in all my years of working). She said no
She doesn't work, doesn't have other commitments (such as looking after a siblings child or animals left alone)
She doesn't spend any other time with my children.
I understand she has done her share of parenting, that she is free to say no and live her life how she now wants but in the same breath she complains that she doesn't see the children much 🤷‍♂️

My mother helped with my first as childcare costs are huge - we agreed as soon as money was freed up once we'd sold car, paid some bills etc we'd start scaling it back and all our annual leave was used so that she didn't come every week. Had twins next and obviously couldn't expect her to help out the same way - they did help arrange a loan though which we are paying over 10 years but will cover childcare until twins get 30 hours

DH parents not involved at all, never once offered, nothing. They watched my mother travel over to us weekly to help but never said a word

Honestly I didn't have kids myself to set them adrift in their adult years when they might need me. I'd be really upset if none of them had children of their own anyway and would hope they I'll be able to offer childcare of future grandchildren one day if circumstances allow. Fostering a good relationship with my grandchildren is more important that travelling or long lunches

Just to add, she wouldn't need to do a school run or anything. She would literally have to sit in mine until my DP came home. She would also be paid for it (something she agreed herself she would need as she doesn't work)

I was sent to my nan's for a week every single holiday, my nan was also there 2 days a week for me and my siblings.
It's crazy to see how hands off my own mum is compared to how much time I spent with my nan

My mum was 44 when I had DS, she works full time in a hospital so she has never been able to do much childcare. She'll have him overnight on a weekend if there's something I really want to do but I don't ask often. She's senior in the NHS so gets a lot of annual leave and she does take a week off every summer holiday to do childcare for me which I'm grateful for. She can't do regular childcare though.

I plan to do some travelling in future, I was young when DS was born so I'll be 40 when he's an adult. If he decides to have children I wouldn't commit to 3 days a week childcare! Although I'll still be working full time myself anyway.

It makes me so sad reading some of the replies!

I am currently cradling my 6 month old DGS because he's got a high temperature (waiting for the Calpol and Nurofen to kick in).

I work full time as an A+E Sister (x3 12 hour night shifts a week) and have baby DGS for 3 days and 2 nights a week whilst my DD is at work (also a Nurse). Her Husband walked out when baby was a few weeks old.
This is completely my choice to look after him. I've changed my shift pattern to have him, have a very good Matron that supports me.

I had no help with my DC, my mum had no interest in them. I was a single Mum at Uni doing my Nursing with a 1 year old and a 3 year old. Shes didn't help once.

I vowed when my DD announced she was pregnant I would help as much as I could.
Sally she's gone back to work early because of the situation she's in.

I bloody adore him and this set up works for us.

It is much easier if you have more than 1 DC. If you over commit to the first you won't have time to help with any others.

My lovely Step mum had 4 DC so she wouldn't commit to anything regular for her first grandchild because it wouldn't be fair if she couldn't do the same for any others. Made sense.

My DM only had me, but would have wanted more DC herself. She was desperate to be a grandmother. When DS came along she went part time so that she could look after him 2 days per week. She was 55 and it was entirely her offering. We did not ask. She did the same for DD 4 years later until I became a SAHM.

But it is horses for courses. DH agrees that it is now only fair that we stay in this area while DM and DStepF are alive so that we can help them as they are getting older and more infirm. DM didn't ask, we offered.

We don’t have any regular grandparent help - we never asked as DP’s parents are elderly and mine are young so still at work. My mum does however cover things like INSET days which she enjoys as she gets time with DD but it’s not a regular commitment.

My mum often tells me about her friends and how much some of them resent the loss of their retirement. They all love their grandchildren but lots of them had great plans which now haven’t happened. I think some of them are annoyed that their children keep having more children knowing they can’t afford childcare because they expect the grandparents to carry on looking after them.

I had my eldest whe my parents with in their fifties, working etc they said no to helping out before dc was born which was fine. Ex Mil had her 3/4 days a week , she voluntarily gave up work and we paid her the difference. When youngest was born my parents were in their seventies and retired, they did half a day for me, pil who were in their fifties were both working still, when fil took early retirement he took over the half day as dm health was declining. The other days dc went to nursery.

I can't imagine ever expecting that level of childcare from grandparents, and I don't think most people do expect it. I think most people are grateful for any help offered and wouldn't get arsey about not being offered more.

DD went to nursery full time for about a year, and then MIL retired and was desperate to look after her. She offered two days a week but we went with one and even that I feel guilty about.

My mum always made clear that while she would try to help me in emergencies/odd sick day etc, she would not be committing to a regular childcare slot.

But then I come from the sort of family where financial planning has always been emphasized, my siblings and I all knew the importance of understanding the costs etc before having a baby.

None of our parents do any childcare at all. they visit when they want , which is only two hours a week for my parents.
and once a month ish for dh parents, for the day as further away from us.

I arnt bothered as I’ve always said I didn’t have children for others to look after them. I’d never expect it as they have their own lives. But we are fortunate enough to not need it , as work is flexible for us both and we manage it between us easily.
feel for those who have to pay a fortune and have no other options!

I think it's much harder for a grandparent to refuse where their children are not well off and can't afford to pay their own childcare.

I work full time but always have mine if I can. I love having them and we have a fabulous relationship ❤️ The other side don't work but always have an excuse not to have them and now my daughter never asks them. I feel privileged and trusted to babysit.
Any one out there who resents their parent dot not helping should think about this. Imagine if your dad had Altzeimers aand was incontinent and your mum was phoning you and saying - I'm just dropping dad round for the day??? How would you you feel???

I've never asked my dad to do childcare,my mom passed away in November,she was in a care home for a long time too. The only time I've ever got my dad who is in his 70s to look after either of my boys was if I had a doctor's appointment gone for maybe 30/45 minutes. My kids are very rambunctious,full on,they exhaust me so my dad would not be able for that for very long periods though he adores my boys & they adore him. I'm a single mom & their dads family live abroad so not available

In my opinion it is up to the parents to make sure they ask about any potential arrangement in such a way that makes it clear it is not expected of the grandparents and they can say no at any time.

When I was pregnant with ds1 my mil told me she was not going to be one of those grandparents that did regular childcare. I hadn't actually asked her. I thought "well that tells me!". We lived a few miles away from them and my parents live a few hundred miles away, so I guess she was being very clear with me. She did actually take sil's dc (her daughter) once a week but none of her sons dc. As dh is one of five, I guess it would almost have been a ft job if she had!

I think it's worth mentioning it in passing before any pregnancies are on the cards tbh.

My PIL do childcare for BIL and SIL and constantly moan about it. We had no intentions of asking them to help as we didn't want that dynamic and for them to moan about us, so DD goes to nursery. Turns out they do moan about us, because they don't get to look after DD

I love spending time with DD. Whatever happens has to work for both sides, and DD isn't freely available for her GP as a result. We don't get much family time altogether so there aren't big windows of time available out of the run of the mill weekly childcare slots which is probably something to consider.

My parents always wanted to do childcare and I’m hoping I can if I ever have grandchildren and I’m young enough to do it. If you really don’t want to then surely you just say that? They had them 2 days a week and I put them in preschool when they were old enough to go, so that they had a bit of a break.

They were having about 3/4 holidays abroad a year before covid, so we just had to arrange alternative cover or change days off then. It was a big help and we’ve always been incredibly grateful. They have a great relationship with all of their grandchildren and that is something I would really like to have in the future.

I can't believe this is even an issue. An adult who would be hurt and upset that their parent won't provide free childcare for them is in my opinion not adult enough to be a parent themselves. Are your friends who have been forced into this complete doormats in all areas of their lives?

I didn't ask my parents and they didn't offer. My inlaws kindly offered us some money to help with nursery fees when we had both children attending.

If your children ask just say no. If they choose to be offended that is their issue.

Because you should never expect someone to.
I never and never will expect my parents or anyone else to look after my DC. That's not their responsibility.

When having children you have to weigh these things up and I think relying on your parents is bang out of order. They should be able to have a life and not run around after kids.

I know someone who said 'why shouldn't my mum look after my kids, their her grandkids' it's so rude.

Our children never had regular time with GP but have a great relationship with them.

To answer your question about how you can establish this without offending I think:

1. Avoid looking like you want all of the fun and none of the work, or that you’re just seeing the GC your benefit and not the parents’. Try and make sure that when you see them, you do so in a way which helps them (eg would you like me to babysit on Saturday so you can both go for dinner / to the gym etc).

2. Don’t pretend you know what it’s like for the parents just because you had kids too. Correct me if I’m wrong but far more of the GP generation were at home with children rather than working than today, and often had their own family closer by to help out. Things have changed and the parents are going through their own experience which, even if it looks similar, might be different to yours

3. Be there when it means most, not just for the sake of it. If you’re not going to do regular childcare, they would really appreciate knowing you’re there in inevitable event of emergencies (nanny / babysitter let them down, sudden doctors appt etc etc). Personally knowing I could ask my ILs whenever I needed because we didn’t impose on them regularly was a big help.

4. Talk to them about what they need most from you and what you can do, not what you can’t do

From my experience, all these things lead tons much healthier and less resentful relationship than if you’re expected to commit to something you don’t want to do.

My DM just said no. Not difficult to say? Emergencies and ad hoc only, would not be tied to anything regular and I completely got it. She was then killed in an accident in her 60's so thank god she was free of the burden of childcare and enjoyed at least got to enjoy some of her very short retirement travelling etc.
I'm a big believer in everyone of any age paying for care they need and letting families be free to live their own lives. Anything else is somewhat selfish and usually strains relationships and is to the detriment of someone's (women's) mental health.

Dh has 2 young grandchildren who live about 30 mins away. We don't do childcare.
We see them as a family every couple of months, and have the eldest for a day in the holidays. Never for a sleepover.
Everyone is busy with their own lives, as it should be. DH works odd shifts so sometimes doesn't get a weekend off for 6 weeks. Meetups are planned at least 3 months in advance because of this.