Grandparents not wanting to do childcare...

[Chewchewaboogiw]

Have been thinking about several people I know whose planned retirememt or part time work has been changed as they have been asked to do childcare for their dgc and now they are doing chikdcare say 3 days a week instead of their plan to travel. And not massively happy about it ( in one case another.baby due also)..I have seen a post response recently that said that they take dgc out but they are not there for childcare. If you dont do childcare for your dgc how did you say no?( I am not in that position at present but i can imagine it would be hard work ..) I would imagine / fear adult ds would be hurt if they were told no dont want to do chikdcare and cant imagine how it would be phrased in a positive way.. anyone said no and is it bu to say you dont want to ... or is it now expected. I know that all families.different, am just asking about families who are comfortable in saying no .

My mum and in-laws were completely essential but not for regular childcare. They did a hell of a lot though. Wonderful grandparents. I don't think it did restrict them, they seemed to manage to travel a lot too! They had 3 and 5 grandchildren though, my granny had 17 grandchildren so in our family it was my aunts and uncles who did the care sharing.

I do think that emergency childcare is the best role and the one I plan to offer if I'm lucky enough to have gc. Having a backup is so reassuring.

And rightly so!

When DS was born 14 years ago I was about ready to quit work as the childcare was not viable enough for our financials. My Nan ( who we lived with ) said to me not to be stupid as she was at home all day and what else would she be doing. We paid her a small amount of money which she reluctantly accepted. When dd was born DS was in school and my mum worked evenings so as I worked mornings she told it would keep her busy during the day. Between her and my Nan they looked after dd and took DS to school during the 16-20 hours I worked. Tried to pay my mum but she wasn’t having any of it. Told me she doesn’t need paying to spend time with her grandkids. That’s been the arrangement since. Nan died 4 years ago. I try to buy her extra things etc but she just puts money in my account and then it goes back and forward for 2 weeks before I try again with something else. I never expected either of them too , they offered. They both had excellent relationships with dc and that’s what worked for us. I know people who’s parents point blank refuse to care for grandkids. It’s thier choice and they shouldn’t feel forced.

Any one out there who resents their parent dot not helping should think about this. Imagine if your dad had Altzeimers aand was incontinent and your mum was phoning you and saying - I'm just dropping dad round for the day??? How would you you feel???

I mean… it’s a fair question but I think we are all working on the not unreasonable basis that the GP probably doesn’t have a job or other dependents, whilst the DC have to work and probably have young children too?? And btw I have cared for both, GC are MUCH easier.

I do a lot of dgc care. I'm just starting to cut back as my dd has had her first baby and my older dc have had their 'share' it's causing problems all round tbh. I'm a young granny my first dgc was born when I was early fifties I had my dc young and I'm lucky that I have sort of retired early. My friends who are just starting on the grandparent journey in their sixties are finding it exhausting. I did my years of bringing dc up and I'd like to enjoy my grandchildren but doing 20 to 30 odd hours a week of childcare is hard.

We have only asked MIL once, and she said she was probably busy but would let us know if she could do it (she couldn’t)

But she has SIL’s DCs 3 days a week, every week, plus occasional weekends for them to go away
When PIL go on holiday, SIL expects MIL to find ‘cover’ for her days

I have to ignore the situation so it doesn’t drive me mad, but DH is incredibly hurt by it, plus the constant mentionitis of SILs kids whenever we see PIL

I was a childminder when my first grandchild was born. I simply said I didn't want her to be just another child amongst the others, I wanted our time together to be special. My son and daughter in law accepted that.
I often see grandparents looking after children and wonder how they cope. I simply don't have the energy to care for my grandchildren now in a way that I think is enough. I could put them in front of the TV, take them to the park for a while, and keep them safe
but I'd be doing a disservice to them if I took on their care now.

It is a bit of a dilemma as I have said I won't help out with my PIL as they never lifted a finger to help me with my DC. I've already said I won't spend my retirement being their carers as I owe them nothing.

I hope to find a happy medium where I help out with any DGC but I am not restricted in doing hobbies and going away. How about allocating time in the week to help, but being very clear that they need to cover holidays etc.

We never expected childcare, MIL offered to do once a week, and this continues now as she picks up from school once a week. We made it clear when she offered that we had never expected it, but she wanted to do it. If she ever can’t, it’s not a problem, we cover it with paid childcare or take leave if necessary. She also helps out in school holidays, although again this was never expected and we are more than happy to pay for holiday clubs.

So I wouldn’t assume that this would be expected of you. If you’re worried it would be, I would think about what you are willing to do and offer it in advance. Eg say to them I can’t commit to regular childcare but I’m happy to babysit when you want to plan a date night.

My dad just told me straight, don't expect me to look after your kids I've done my time.

Can't argue with that really.

He does watch them very occasionally, along with my mum. I'd never expect them to do any regular kind of child care

Kids are stressful, they need to relax and enjoy old age.

My MIL asked/told me she wanted to look after DD one day a week. Otherwise it never occurred to me that she'd provide childcare. (Other grandparents not able to for health reasons).
We're thinking about having another child and I certainly do not expect her to be looking after two children! I also appreciate she may change her mind at some point in future too.
I can't believe how expectant some people are. Why have children and expect your parents to look after them?!?

I’m sad for your friends who can’t say no to their children. They need to speak up!

Dparents have the dc one day a week at the moment. They offered when I had ds and found out how much nursery would be.

dm has said that when the dc start school/preschool and go term time that she will help us out over the holidays but categorically has stated they will not do more than one day a week.

When I left my abusive husband, after the "what will I tell people" comments; I got "I won't be doing any childcare for you so you'd better be sure you want to leave him." I worked shifts at the time so got a new job.

I wouldn't want my DP/PIL caring on a regular basis for my DC for this reason. It is hard, physical work looking after young children and many GPs could do without having to do this day in, day out.

As it is, my DM/PIL do provide ad hoc occasional care for my DC and will take them swimming, to the beach, the playground and run about after them in the garden. But those visits take their toll, and my DM often jokes to me on the phone after having DC for a couple of days that she'll need a few days to 'recover'. If my DC went to GPs on a regular basis, I think they'd be 'kept safe', but there would be a lot of screen-time and treats and much less active interaction, just because GPS wouldn't have the energy for it. Nursery is much better imo as regular childcare.

My DM very kindly did one day a fortnight when the CM wasn't working. It felt like the right frequency for her and for us.

I feel sorry for my SIL they are looking after their DGD 2 days a week and the other GPs do the other two days. She is paying for a playgroup from her own pocket to get a break I think.

DGD is delightful and I think they enjoy looking after her but as she is nearly 3 it feels like it could be ramping down a bit, however the DPs are talking about having another baby- I do wonder if they've considered that GPs will be older and may not be willing or particularly able to provide that level of care for longer and for 2 DC.

When my children were young (a long time ago!) I never dreamed of expecting my parents/their grandparents to do any childcare. They still had a lovely relationship with my children even though we lived about 2 hours drive away. As the children got older, we moved house and were much nearer so saw them much more often. My teenage son would sometimes go to stay overnight but by then he could look after himself and didn't need watching or "caring" for.

I'm now grandparent age myself. Currently none of my children have kids of their own but if/when they do, neither are they under any illusion that I could be called upon to look after them. I can't see why it's a complicated conversation. I have just said, Don't expect me to do any childcare if you ever have children. I've already had mine and don't intend to be looking after anyone else's, grandchildren or otherwise. Why would I want to anyway?

It's fair, I think; I don't have the strength nor the stamina these days for small (or even bigger) kids, and besides, I've done my bit and have other things in life to be doing. Also, I agree with pp about choice....I chose to have my children but other people's choices mean they are responsible for their little people, not me. I'm on the brink of retiring, something I've looked forward to all my life.....I don't intend to retire and then be tied down by someone else's kids!!

Yanbu to not want to do this.

I wonder if some people's expectations are based on their own experiences. DD didn't have grandparents who provided childcare when we were working, although they were all very involved and she has great relationships with them. Her partner on the other hand - both of his parents worked full-time and his mum's parents provided all of the childcare. I will definitely not be doing this and have already told DD this.

I was a SAHM when mine were very little, but it was hard work in my 20s and I'm certainly not doing it again in my later years. Even one day a week restricts your ability to travel. I missed out on a lot when I had my kids young, and will be making the most out of my retirement, God willing.

Well my parents moved abroad a couple of years before DS1 was born… so I guess that settled it!

People need to learn to say no.

We don't have DC but my in-laws look after our dog for a few hours a day while we work as he has terrible separation anxiety and is really distressed to be left for too long.

We were going to put him in daycare but FIL offered to have him on a trial basis, and now he complains when we don't send him

He doesn't walk him though, so by "looks after" I really mean "provides a sofa for naps and some head rubs" lol. They're both great company for the other and the dog adores FIL so it works out really well.

I think it's just down to each individual family, the children involved and the health and age of the grandparents. My IL's wouldn't be able to run about after a toddler but are quite happy to have an adult dog in the house who just snoozes and asks for food occasionally

We don’t live near any of the grandparents so logistically they wouldn’t be able to help weekly childcare. I know my step Mil & FiL would have helped more if the could. But my Dad & Mil have helped out where they could.

My Mum isnt maternal, she has looked after my eldest probably twice for a day and never my youngest, but I know she just isn’t comfortable doing it so I haven’t asked & she hasn’t offered!!

i don’t expect it from them. Though oddily I would be more than happy to help my girls out with their children when the time comes.

My DM offered that they would consider having DD 1 day a week if I wanted to return to work. (Which I combined with a childminder) When DS was born they didn't offer and as they hadn't I took that to mean they didn't want to do the same again which was fine. They saw us every week still but didn't have childcare responsibility. DH parents lived too far to do any regular childcare but a few times when the DC were older they had them for a few days at a time in the holidays.

My parents said no. They just made it clear.

Lots of my friends use their parents as childcare, I don’t mean use in a horrible way. The parents look exhausted and overwhelmed… mine collect my son from school once a week for 2 hours which is helpful and then if they are away a friend helps.

10 years ago my sister had a child (unplanned) and when she returned to work when the baby was 7 months old, our mom had to help out with childcare as my sister couldn’t afford FT nursery placement.

My mum was still working full time and so she had to change her hours so she worked 30 hours over 3 days between Mon-Fri (to provide childcare on the other 2 days) and then work 7.5 hours on a Saturday. She was exhausted! My sister didn’t appear to have any problem with this and it carried on for a few years when my sister then announced she was pregnant again - which again was unplanned.

My mum told my sister that if she thought my mom was going to be childcare for both children then she was mistaken! Between working full time and having a 3 year old for 12 hours, two days a week, she was drained - never mind adding in a 6 month old baby to the mix.

But despite her protests, she did end up having both children because she knew my sister couldn’t afford childcare.

This arrangement went on for years, and when they were both in school my mum then had to do before and after school childcare too.

Even now, 10 years down the line my mum still does childcare. My mum has retired now due to ill health and so in the school holidays she has the 11 year old every day.

It’s madness.

I have got two children, aged 8 and 5 and have never asked my mum for regular childcare and never would do.

My parents and my PIL will do emergency childcare if we need it, but we don’t ask unless there’s no other option.