Grandparents not wanting to do childcare...

[Chewchewaboogiw]

Have been thinking about several people I know whose planned retirememt or part time work has been changed as they have been asked to do childcare for their dgc and now they are doing chikdcare say 3 days a week instead of their plan to travel. And not massively happy about it ( in one case another.baby due also)..I have seen a post response recently that said that they take dgc out but they are not there for childcare. If you dont do childcare for your dgc how did you say no?( I am not in that position at present but i can imagine it would be hard work ..) I would imagine / fear adult ds would be hurt if they were told no dont want to do chikdcare and cant imagine how it would be phrased in a positive way.. anyone said no and is it bu to say you dont want to ... or is it now expected. I know that all families.different, am just asking about families who are comfortable in saying no .

Simple
Say youll baby sit
And make it clear you wont be a childcare
People who let their parents look after their own kids 3 days a week should have reconsidered their choices...

I agree.
I haven’t been able to rely on childcare from dgp. It has made me determined to help out if I’m lucky enough to have dgc as wouldn’t want dc to struggle and feel so tired and hard up due to childcare.

then again my idea of a good time is not going travelling.

I think things can change as babies arrive vs what you/your kids would expect… my MIL often said in passing (years before we were married or had kids) that her neighbours or friends etc who minded GCs were mad to give up so much of their time, but when we had a baby she genuinely was so in love with him she was so excited to have him to herself all day when I went back to work even though we had planned for paid childcare…. So I wouldn’t worry until it happens, you never know what way it will go for you!

I agree with Keladrythesaviour - let it be known now that any frinds you have who have sacrificed work/lives/anything in order to provide free childcare, and that you would never do such a thing.
Set the expetations now - if your offspring think that they can produce children and you'll merrily give up your life to look after them will have to have a rethink, plan a bit more carefully and arrange paid childcare.

My parents made it clear in conversation prior to marriage and offspring that they'd done their parenting bringing us (3) up and that they should not be expected to provide regular childcare.
They are delighted when the GC visit and enjoy a sleep over, also occasionally taking GC for a day to help with clashes in schedules. They will not provide regular day care on a weekly scheduled basis.
I'm fine with this, we make our own childcare arrangements as necessary.
They worked hard and deserve a nice time to enjoy each others company in retirement without the worry of being about for days of childcare and school collections.

Surely you just say no?

My own plan is to offer to have any future DGC all half term holiday cover, a fortnight in the summer and one weekend per month. You can see I’ve thought about this ahead of time. I want to be useful but not too tied down.

If think my DC were being cheeky as hell if they demanded childcare, though. Luckily, I was the one who brought them up, so they’re not (so far) entitled brats.

Maybe it’s different in families where there is an inter generational history of the family providing weekday childcare. We don’t have that tradition.

My dds husband was a sahd so she works hard providing for the whole. family. As he is there we haven't had to do childcare except in emergencies like when he had an operation on his foot and couldn't take them to school. We did that and housework ext as short term solution. However we have been able to help on other ways. With only one who money is tight so we have provided/ helped with none essential items like holidays, extra tuition, regular picket money. We have had plenty sleepovers and have also taken the kids on occasional short breaks. We worked ourselves during our GC s early years so couldn't have provided regular childcare. We would have done some childcare once we retired if it had been needed but definitely not full time. Have seen too many GPS frazzled and stressed that way. I think we would have offered two days a week plus occasional sleepovers for date nights.

If you dont do childcare for your dgc how did you say no?
If you raise children who are not selfish and entitled, who wouldn't dream of expecting such a huge ask, and who are sensible enough to factor it in to any decision making, you won't have to worry about it 🤷‍♀️

If someone does get a bit hurt I don't think that's the end of the world. Much better to risk that than spend hours each week begrudgingly looking after a child you don't want there. It can cut both ways too - new parents can feel under obligation to say yes if GPs are offering childcare. You can get into an awkward mess where both sides feel obliged to keep going when it's not really working for either of them.

Feelings change over time too. Some of these unwilling GPs may well have started off being very happy to spend time with the baby,l to start with. Like school runs, the feeling of slog and being tied down takes a while to kick in.

But anyway, there is plenty of time to worry about this after the potential future grandchild is at least conceived.

Just say no. I never had care from grandparents, never had care for my children for my parents. It's not that hard.

I am happy to help out and will always be available in an emergency. Any regular childcare is me doing a big favor to them though and will be on my terms. Example: I'm not available on Thursday afternoons due to a regular activity I will not be giving up. It will be very very part-time too. If it doesn't suit, there are childcare centres.

My parents live in a different country so never did childcare. My exes mum looked after my exes eldest quite a lot but then refused to officially look after our child. So we paid for full time nursery but she would have him once a week. It meant she had a choice and I understand that.

I think when my kids have kids, if I can I will have them so that they can go out and may have them say a day a week or do school pick ups or take to clubs. But it will depend on a lot of things. whether I am retired or working, how tired I am, now much enjoyment etc

My Adult DS, fiancé recently shared with me, that my DS is planning to build a granny annexe on their next home so I can help when they have DC. It didn't worry me as I am sure I would love to be there for them but I do have 2 other DC that live in this country, so I couldn't just up sticks and move away as then I wouldn't be able to help with their DC when/if they have them.

Tell them the moment the first pregnancy is announced! My parents did and it managed everyone’s expectations. They travelled extensively and I am so glad they did. 20
years I already plan on doing the same.

No bloody way

watching my own mim, she just get taken for granted and it eats away at her

as on another thread she just wants to feel valued as a human not mere staff

the obligation changes the whole dynamic and spoils the joy IME

I'm a grandmother - before the children were born I made it quite clear that while I would love to see lots of the DGC and have days out, etc, I just wouldn't be available for regular child care since I planned to be travelling for several years. That's exactly how it turned out - we travelled for many years and we saw the grandchildren a lot but not as regular child care. You have to make it very clear before the children are born, so the parents have no illusions about what is on offer.

My MIL looks after DD2 one day a week, and picks up DD1 from school that day, we never asked but she offered, they also look after them if we go away for the weekend (which is max 5x a year). We made it clear to them we can find alternative arrangements if they want to go on holiday / have a bowls tournament etc but just gives us a heads up. We always invite MIL to stay for dinner as a thank you. We do not take the piss though, if we go out for the evening we pay for a babysitter because we do not want to burden them, they already do enough.

Our girls are and will be her only grandchildren and that is part of the reason why MIL looks after them, she loves spending time with them and she wants to make the most of her only grandchildren (she said this), and given she had sons I secretly think she does enjoy doing stuff that she wanted to do if she had a daughter (not saying she would love her grandsons any less but it is an added benefit).

You raised your kids. This is only a problem when there’s an expectation to do it. If you raise your kids to not expect everyone else to change their lives because they are changing theirs, it shouldn’t be a problem.

It would be a simple and easy conversation.

My parents made it clear early on they would help with emergencies and treats. They have been hugely helpful to me and actually spend quite a lot of time with dc, especially now they are older but without committing to regular childcare.

they have been asked to do childcare for their dgc and now they are doing chikdcare say 3 days a week instead of their plan to travel. And not massively happy about it

People need to learn how to say "no". Its their own fault really. Three days a week is a huge ask.

My mum stated forever that she couldn’t wait to look after my future children daily just as her Mum looked after me as a young child right up till she passed away. However as soon as children were actually born she made it clear the idea was lovely but she would never actually do it. She just says she is “not able” and that’s that. She won’t do it. No big conversation just a refusal. I personally would have actually never expected the daily childcare she always said she’d “love” but would have been really great full for someone to have them just when needed eg medical appointments etc. It’s also massively affected their bond. My Inlaws love having the children, again nothing like daily but have had them for whole days and have bits and bobs for them at their house. As a result the children really get excited to see them. Sadly as my Mum won’t really “deal” with them in anyway they aren’t very excited to see her...

I've just agreed to have my youngest gc one day a week when did goes back to work but its only for 3 months until she goes on mat leave again.

There's no way I could have both the young dc every week , maybe because I've still got primary school age dc myself

I've had all of them Iver night occasionally and have the littlest for a few hours here and there if did has appointments etc

Dil not did !

My mum was always clear she wanted to be free and not shackled down by childcare. She moved to an area just far enough away that visiting is most of a day. She will do an evening babysit if we all go to her house and we put DC down for bed before we go out and she will come to cover hospital appts etc if they fall on a day nursery is closed (like, maybe once a year). DC loves nursery and gets loads out of it so I’m good with this arrangement. Nursery is more reliable then grandparents (generally). If DC is sick my husband and I cover it and we take the hit at work.

My aunt is the total opposite and spends so, so much time doing childcare for her 5DGC - she lives near to them, it always there for them and is fully part of their lives, providing top up childcare to help her daughters budget and covering all emergencies and illness. She is tired and my mum complains about her nieces not understanding that. My aunts grandchildren adore her though and my aunt leads a happy, full and busy life with them.

However my mum is quite unhappy about how infrequently she sees her (one) DGC (another on the way) as she loves her DGC. She finds the journey here tricky and has a residual fear of getting sick from a toddler cold - frequent with nursery - so we see her quite rarely. She is quite isolated where she is and has had a tough few years. She voices regrets about her decisions - it sounds cold, but she made them and they were her choices which I have always respected and never questioned. Mum had a shock at the last visit when it took my DC a while to warm up to her as it had been so long.

Just a note of caution OP - my mum has everything she asked for and her wishes totally respected but it hasn’t turned out entirely as she wanted.

We didn’t have any choice really as we moved abroad before DC were born so no childcare from any grandparents, but I remember my mum saying years before “don’t expect me to be one of those grand mothers that does loads of free childcare”. So I never assumed she’d have any interest in doing so. Having said that, I think she mellowed over the years - if we’d lived closer I’m sure she would have done a day a week.

I don't expect my parents to do childcare on the regular, though they're happy to help as one offs - DM is actually doing it tomorrow as I'm having some pregnancy complications which mean I need to go to the big hospital three hours away for an appointment. I'm grateful she's happy to do that.

We weren't looked after by our grandparents regularly so from that point of view I suppose the expectation isn't there. I think it's good to be clear about what you're happy to do, and what you aren't, preferably before the children are on the scene (takes the emotion out of it a bit).