Grandparents not wanting to do childcare...

[Chewchewaboogiw]

Have been thinking about several people I know whose planned retirememt or part time work has been changed as they have been asked to do childcare for their dgc and now they are doing chikdcare say 3 days a week instead of their plan to travel. And not massively happy about it ( in one case another.baby due also)..I have seen a post response recently that said that they take dgc out but they are not there for childcare. If you dont do childcare for your dgc how did you say no?( I am not in that position at present but i can imagine it would be hard work ..) I would imagine / fear adult ds would be hurt if they were told no dont want to do chikdcare and cant imagine how it would be phrased in a positive way.. anyone said no and is it bu to say you dont want to ... or is it now expected. I know that all families.different, am just asking about families who are comfortable in saying no .

I looked after dgs 1 day a week until he was 3.
10 years later I have a new dgc and just feel too old to do childcare anymore.
Luckily we don't live nearby.
I have offered to help out financially with childcare to compensate. It's not expected but I feel happier being fair.

Childcare and babysitting are different. I’d do baby sitting…I find parents find that more valuable actually.

Just say no, you value being able to spend time with dgc but don’t want the commitment. Your kids shouldn’t be expecting it from you anyway

My DM made it clear long before we had children that she would not provide any childcare for any DGC. It's helpful that she managed expectations early on.

I don't feel entitled to childcare, however when we were young DM sent us to our DGM every day after school as well as sleepovers on a regular basis. Looking back she took advantage and being brutally honest a small part of me feels resentful that she hasn't paid it forward at all. She also hasn't made any plans for her future care and has made numerous poor financial decisions which means we will be responsible for her later on.

DMIL on the other hand has offered to have the DCs one day a week, they go to paid childcare on our other days and when DMIL is on holiday. They sometimes go to her on other days if I'm offered an extra shift on any day other than her hobby day. They have a much closer bond with DMIL and my DM gets very jealous and resentful that they do. We make an effort to see DM but it's only natural that they are closer.

When deciding to refuse childcare it's good to consider what parental help you had when your DCs are young. Your care arrangements for later and whether you can cope with your DGC being closer to the other set of GPs.

The polite way to say no is "I am not available for regular childcare but I will be happy to help in a more ad hoc way for you and partner to have a night out or a rest. I just can't commit to set days per week"

I never asked. But when my mum retired she offered one day a week which we were pleased to accept.

I was very lucky in that mine offered. Mum and mil did a day a week each. I would never have asked or expected it though and dts were registered at daycare.

It's a fine line though, they can be over involved, at some points I wished they had just gone to nursery.

Surely most grandparents are at work themselves and aren’t available for childcare. Retirement age is 67. And surely most people don’t live anywhere near grandparents for them to help out this way. My DC’s grandparents are all over 200 miles away. Both DH and I aren’t likely to live long enough to be grandparents.

Mine offered, but were clear what their boundaries were, which I accepted.

In many societies, extended families helping each other out is the norm,. It's sad that doesn't generally happen in our society.

It's your right to say you won't help out at all with childcare (but wouldn't you at least help in an emergency?) but don't be surprised if your children aren't keen to help should you become frail and need help.

My mum said that she didn’t want to do childcare as she didn’t want seeing them to become a chore. She also loved her freedom after years of raising children and didn’t want to lose that. I completely see her side of it and there is no resentment there at all! I had never expected her to provide childcare anyway. It was only once I had dc1 and started going to groups that I realized how many grandparents do. My mum has her busy own life which she very much enjoys, I’d hate her to feel she had to give up her free time to become childcare. She will babysit very happily when we ask and loves visiting. I’m glad she was able to be honest with me.

I do granny care for my 1 yr old grandson. I work 3 days a week and have him whichever other days are needed..so it can be anything between once and 4 days a week depending on my DD2 and SILs nursing shifts... because of their jobs it would be impossible for them otherwise and financially crippling.

I won't lie, on the 'full' weeks I'm knackered and go to work for a rest but the upside is I have a wonderful relationship with him, they feel completely secure knowing he is happy and my home is his home too. I'm mid 50s and still fit, but I can't imagine doing it in 10 years time..for later born children I will have to play it by ear. Luckily DD2 doesn't want another one for a few years so hopefully no 1 will be in nursery/school by then!

My other children live much further away so it won't be logistically possible to help, and I hope the other nearby grandparents will step in if they have children.

I know if I said 'I can't do this anymore' my lovely DD2 would understand but I can't imagine not wanting to help... I never realised how much I would adore my grandchild until he arrived!!!

My parents did what others have suggested upthread, and gave examples of the situations their friends were in looking after GC x days a week. Then made it clear that wasn’t something they were able to do.

It does make me a bit sad as a lot (most?) of my friends/colleagues have help with childcare from family. But I do understand it’s their choice and to be fair they already have caring responsibilities for my elderly grandfather and my disabled sister so it’s not like they haven’t already got their hands full!

One thing to bear in mind is that when we moved house a few years ago we chose the location purely based on proximity to work and not in the most convenient location for travelling to family. It wasn’t to be spiteful but just because we had to put work/childcare arrangements above anything else as that has to be our priority since we have no help with it. I think my DM is a bit sad that we didn’t move closer to them like some of her friends’ DC did but it just wouldn’t have made sense.

A more realistic title for this thread should really be "Grandmothers not wanting to do childcare...."

It's always women expected to put others first. Men are far too busy doing important things. Often the grandmother doing free childcare is also looking after an elderly parent, even her inlaws, because God forbid their own sons should step up. Men's time is much more important, a woman's time is for others to fill.

I was never entitled enough to ask relations to childcare. We paid for childcare. Which means now relations are happy to offer sleepovers, emergency childcare etc as they don't feel burdened or put upon.

I’m the grandparent and have done/do a lot of childcare. I’ve enjoyed/enjoy it but it does restrict me. I accept that and love seeing dgc. However, I rarely have them overnight or for their dp’s social events. Sometimes it’s a responsibility rather than fun times iyswim and I wonder if that is a slight negative.
I think expectations need to be discussed prior to pregnancy if possible by simply asking DP’s how they feel but also perhaps be mindful an eager DGP might wish for more than they can actually cope with or enjoy. Contingency plans need to be in place for if illness should occur preventing DGP continuing childcare.

I never had any childcare from either set of parents, partly circs and partly the way they are. We were fortunate not to really need it.

I would personally offer to my children if I could but a) not too much, b) not if I needed to work or had bad health and c) not if there would be drama.

Obviously I have no idea if I will have grandchildren but if I did personally I would like to do some childcare as it helps the parents and will hopefully give a really good chance to get to know the grandkids properly.

DM looked after DD until I started WFH permanently 3 years ago (pre covid). She looked after DD from 5 months old, and then before and after nursery and school. She did this even whilst being a full time carer for my gran. DM insisted, even though it was hard and DF useless but it saved us a shitload of money and DM did not want a stranger looking after her GC. DM did resent my ILs though who were happy to look after DN but not my DD. It was like pulling teeth getting ILs to do any babysitting. DM was not working through, which made a difference. ILs were working for the first few years of DDs life but not intersted thereafter. If I was working when DD has children, I'd try to help my DD evenings, weekends and my days off. I'd try to support with financing childcare too.

I think in most societies it is pretty normal for all the family to help with childcare if they can. Our society is so disparate from that. I guess people have evolved in our society to be, well quite selfish I suppose, other than to care for own children there doesn't seem to be much other responsibilities felt such as for care of our elderly and extended family.

I don’t think it’s evolved to be selfish, it’s evolved to women realising they don’t have to spend their entire existence wiping someone else’s bum.

My poor Mum (widowed) does all the childcare for my Sister's children. Her in-laws (pair of them) spend all their time being too busy playing bridge and having lunch.

I think my sister takes the piss a bit that's up to my Mum. The upside is that both GC have a close relationship with my Mum.

My MIL made it clear she wasn't doing regular childcare but then decided to offer to babysit on my day off (I still can't work out the logic).
My Mum does what she can.

Men's time is much more important, a woman's time is for others to fill

Haha, MIL was too busy to babysit when we had a sick child. But hearing her darling son would need to take a day off to watch his own child she was down here faster than Nigel Manson

My parents, well my Mother, made it very clear that she didn't believe in childcare, nurseries etc, and clearly believed I should just give up my career. Tbh I never expected regular help, I don't feel they would have given the type of childcare I wanted and I appreciated the benefits if a nursery. They did have young dc for sleepovers but clearly found it exhausting.

I do think that there should be some childcare planning before having a child and it's important GPS are upfront about whether and how much they can commit. I always think that once something becomes a regular, set commitment then it can become a chore. DC can become too reliant and any request to change dates causes issues and can cause resentment on both sides. I do think this situation is especially difficult for Mums if girls because they know the burden will fall to their girls regardless of how strong a woman she is so there is a tendency to want to support.

That's an awful lot of time for your mum to commit to though - no wonder she said no.

Evidence suggests that we have evolved to live in family groups, where females enjoy a relatively long lifespan after their reproductive years in order to the survival of their own daughters' offspring (grandmother hypothesis).

Of course this doesn't mean that you have to follow your nature and nurture your own family. This is the 21st century dammit. Don't be a mammal; choose to be reptiles, lay your eggs and bugger off. It's sad that so many women are determined to avoid their own descendants. Be honest with yourselves: If you didn't travel, write books, decorate cakes and lunch with your friends in the early decades of your life, you are not going to start when you're 65.

What's the point of having decades of experience and wisdom in raising children and then not using these skills? You know what is best and (perhaps more importantly) what not to do. Children are joyful and wonderful. If you can spare some energy and time, why not help raise your family?

Frustratingly she said yes to begin with so I accepted the job offer then she said no so I had to go back and apologise etc.
I'd like to think if I was sat at home with nobody to talk to, nothing else to do and nowhere else to go that I would say yes to my children but I guess that's where me and her differ