Grandparents not wanting to do childcare...

[Chewchewaboogiw]

Have been thinking about several people I know whose planned retirememt or part time work has been changed as they have been asked to do childcare for their dgc and now they are doing chikdcare say 3 days a week instead of their plan to travel. And not massively happy about it ( in one case another.baby due also)..I have seen a post response recently that said that they take dgc out but they are not there for childcare. If you dont do childcare for your dgc how did you say no?( I am not in that position at present but i can imagine it would be hard work ..) I would imagine / fear adult ds would be hurt if they were told no dont want to do chikdcare and cant imagine how it would be phrased in a positive way.. anyone said no and is it bu to say you dont want to ... or is it now expected. I know that all families.different, am just asking about families who are comfortable in saying no .

Perhaps I should add: no recreational drugs are appropriate when looking after children. (Just in case anyone gets the wrong idea from my earlier post.)

@sowiwag

”Best thing in the world, looking after grandchildren? Maybe not. (Slow afternoon sex in springtime with long-established lover and a modicum of appropriate recreational drugs is my personal number one”

Good on ya! 🙌

@sowiwag Thanks for showing how much grandfathers can love caring for their grandkids 😊
I’d read your book.

My mother always said she wouldn't do child care - and didn't, ever.

Yes and really it is to do with unselfishness and often doing things for others is a positive and you can hand them back

I think it works well when it is appreciated not taken advantage of. Its hard having no backup you feel you are always paying out. Sorry to that poster who had no help for the interview. Was hard see friends get loads help. Anyway. My kids older now so we dont need help.

@sowiwag my in laws always say that they were very busy with work/life and never enjoyed their kids although they did get support from their own parents. Now they have a gc, they literally gaze at ds with tearful eyes and all the silly little things he does as they feel they have missed out on so much. My parents are the same. My dads really fit and healthy and he loves getting down to my sons level and playing with him and becoming a human swing and climbing frame. Both my in-laws and my parents say that having gc keeps them young although it's the opposite for me . Both my parents and in-laws are very well traveled and pursue hobbies as well. They all live far from me but if I ever needed help, they will go above and beyond. Ds is 3 and they still call me multiple times a day to do a WhatsApp video call to see all the mischiefs and even ask photos every night when his in bed fast asleep.

I've never expected them to do full time care and never needed it but they will move mountains if I ever did. But maybe it's because I come from a different country and we've only got a handful of people in this country so we support each other a lot. My sil gave birth recently and I visit her often as she invites me and I take care of her baby when she needs a shower or get things done. Even though I had a newborn not too long ago, just holding that baby gives me very fond memories of my own son 3 years ago and on the plus side, I always get to go home. I think in moments like this, I just miss everything and feel kind of upset that I had a foggy brain at the time being a new mum. I don't know but I will support my ds if he ever chooses to have children and re live all the memories I had with him through his offspring.

Going for a cruise, pursuing a hobby etc is one thing but reliving these precious memories is another thing because I will see my son everywhere I go as soon as I see a child because it will remind me of the time we were on holiday or the tantrums he had or any silly thing he did. Cruises, holidays and things like this don't take up the whole year. Hobbies don't fill up your whole day so I will be so thrilled to have my gc over or doing the school run and helping out. I see a grandmother at my ds's nursery every morning dropping her dgs . She dresses lovely and all smiling and affectionate to her grandson and I've chatted to her and she said both her daughter and sil wfh so she's helping out and she loves it and now she's off to meet her friends and later will pick up her gc and take him home. I don't know but I would love to be involved in this, to have a purpose in life.

@pinkfluffydoor

”. I don't know but I would love to be involved in this, to have a purpose in life.”

I think it’s a bit sad that you feel that you have to be involved in childcare to have a purpose in life. Life is about more than just kids.

what about if your children don’t have children, do they not have a purpose in life?

@LuckySantangelo35

Can you accept that while YOU do not consider children to be the centre of your universe. And while YOU do not place value on either yourself or other people assisting in childcare. OTHER PEOPLE do find it tremendously satisfying to care for children and find that it gives their live purpose…..

If you want to sit dressed up like Joan Collins, staring out at the Riviera while fanning yourself that is fine. If you want to undertake a doctorate that is fine. If you want to build houses in Eastern Europe that is fine. There are a myriad of opportunities available to those in retirement.

There is no need to constantly argue with and denigrate what other people find purposeful just because you do not have the same inclination yourself.

It is a bit sad that you feel the need to constantly attack anyone who differs from you in what they consider to be important.

Wow calm down 🤣 no ones attacking anyone.

p.s staring out at the riveria a la Joan Collins sounds mint, I’m up for that!

@LuckySantangelo35 I thought you might like that idea 😊🍹

All I’m saying is stop cutting people down, you’ve been buzzing about this thread having a go anytime anyone says anything positive. With some ideas that were out of touch with reality (availability of care provision in the U.K.) and just generally being a bit aggro when somebody says they like caring for kids or think GP should be around.

If you want to be JC in retirement that is cool and more power to you. But not everyone does.

@Robinni

i totally understand that.

My point all along wasn’t that though. I have no issue with people who want to take care of their grandkids whilst their parents work - why would I?!

My point is that childcare from
grandparents shouldn’t be EXPECTED or assumed and that grandparents shouldn’t be dismissed when infirm with no support if they didn’t provide what their sons/daughters perceived to be the requisite amount of childcare.

that is all

@LuckySantangelo35

Well clearly you do have a problem as you took issue with @pinkfluffydoor saying they would love to be involved with childcare and it would give their life purpose…

As well as ranting on that retirement should be abc and not xyz. It is up to individuals to define what they want their retirement to be there is no right or wrong.

Obviously childcare should not be expected or assumed and anyone who has a half decent relationship with their parents will have a conversation with them when the time comes.

As for care in old age, no one is suggesting that parents be dismissed with no support if they don’t provide X amount of childcare.

What people have pointed out is that if a person decides to largely cut ties with their children and grandchildren, and aren’t involved in their lives much for say 20-30yrs. It’s unlikely they will have the same level of support as say beloved Granny Elsie and Granda John who spent years looking after the kids and making the Sunday dinner….. those are two extremes by the way - I think most of us are somewhere between Joan Collins and Granny Elsie.

When our son and his wife were expecting they asked us formally how we wished to be involved with our dgc's life. We said we would be happy to help at times of need, would babysit for occasional nights out. Later when DGC was older we took her to school (just a walk away). She is now 14 and we are occasionally called upon to pick her up from High School which is a substantial drive away. We don't mind, it has always been the expectation that if it wasn't convenient we could say so. We have done this successfully for two granddaughters and this month we are baby sitting the DOG for 3 days! I am more nervous about this.

@LuckySantangelo35 I'm speaking my own opinion and everyone is different. To me , after I retire I would love to do all the things I didn't get to do when I had children but even then, it still wouldn't fill up my days, weeks and months and we are talking about a good couple of decades of this if you live past your 80s and still in good health. God forbid I loose my husband or vice versa, I would always love to be involved and help as much as I can obviously not being the overbearing parents/in-laws. If my child doesn't choose to have children, then I guess I would try to be useful in other ways or let my child know that I will always be there for him. My life before children still had my family in it. I also had friends that I hardly speak as the relationship fizzle out overtime. Once your career, student and friendship days are over, then my purpose will be to live a full filling life that includes my child in it whether offering child care if he chooses to have a child or cook Sunday roasts or house sit when I need to it he doesn't choose to have children.

I know people who are also on the either end of the spectrum where they dump their kids on their parents full time or people who can't even get any help to cover a important health issue such as a surgery. I know people where their parents live abroad but have their in laws living 5 miles away, but still the parents abroad will fly out to help out during the hour of need. I've never been the one to dump my child or expect anyone to look after him, but it's nice to know I have a family and in-laws that will. It's also reassuring to know that if me and dh dies in some tragic way, my child will be well looked after by both sides of the family including aunts and uncles. People thrive when they are together and support each other and these past lockdowns have been very hard for me, my family/in-laws and to many other people.

ive a 11 and 17 y old not once have they been "minded" by anyone let alone expected my parents to provide childcare(my parents where 44,43 when i had son 1)they are 61 and 60 now and still work full time
even when i had son 2 in hospital son 1 was outside with my in-laws

reason 1 i chose to leave my job when i had son 1(i had as really well paying job at the time but i dont agree with putting babies in nurseries, childcare settings and schools) so when no 2 came alone i was already home

2 ive never needed anyone to have them overnight as my mind set was these children were mine so i wouldn't need a babysitter as i never wanted to leave them and as i follow(ed) an alternative parenting style as well(peaceful/hippy) i never fully trusted anyone to follow my way of life

3 it turned out both boys have complex mental disabilities(asd, add, odd, spd, pda to name a few) so i became a 24/7 carer in 2007 when son was 4 who chose to home educate so kids are with me 24/7 and that's how we live and love this lifestyle

both kids are very well loved by both sets of grandparents(technically ex in-laws in 2020 but we still have a good relationship as what their son did wasn't their fault)a aunt and uncle(my sister and bil)that are regularly involved in their life and a 9 and 12 y old cousins that's my youngest best friends(they attend school)

ive always hated the phase it takes a village to raise kids as i disagree with a million percent, my kids are my kids and no one has a say in how they are brought up so mind your own.

so many people feel like grandparents have a obligation to mind their kids and when this dont happen they kick off and create such a fuss

this is how society has been for years, same attitude with schools, kids get to 2 and 3 and straight away its the assumption they are attending nursery and school is used a s a childcare setting

You left your job though so you've not needed childcare. Not everyone can afford to do that. I'm a single parent, I need to work to pay the mortgage.

And did the children's father feel the same as you? That being a good parent required him to be at home 24/7 with his children?

@TAKESNOSHITSHIRLEY how did you fund yourself when you became an ex?

I'll assume your DH now exH funded you until then.

I find it interesting that Mumsnet is full of 35-year-old fathers who can’t possibly do any childcare for THEIR OWN children because of their very important job or their very important hobbies which take up evenings and weekends.

And of course they have the right to relax because they work terribly hard all week and earn money to pay the bills.

And yet 65-year-old women who don’t want to do childcare for someone else’s child because of their job or their hobbies are derided as selfish and threatened with being abandoned by their family in their old age age.

I wondered what the difference between these two groups is?

My friend was saying she is earmarked for collecting when girl starts school!!! But I dont think should be presumed either that granny will do it!

Those 35 year old father's I wouldn't expect them to be any different as grandfather's. So despite the fact that they're retired expect these men to either be out or asleep in a chair.

Dinoteeth

i was certainly not funded, or a "kept" woman
my partner and i was carers on carers allowance and both claiming jointly all the other benefits that came with it(and fell rent and CT paid) plus 2 children on high care DLA.
put them all together and we were actually very well off

there is 1 adult and 1 child in my household now and even just us 2 we are well off

in fact my ex never worked in 22 years of being together(granted he was 17 when we got together) as he has mild asd himself so was unemployed then a carer till the day he left(hes actually a paid carer to his disabled new partner but that now his business) and ive been a carer and will continue to be a carer for years and years

@TAKESNOSHITSHIRLEY OK so while I don't envy having to live life on carers allowance and benefits.
You haven't worked outwith the house, so never needed someone paid or otherwise to mind your kids while you try to earn to pay the bills.

I must say my dad (and to a degree, FiL) have both come into their own as grandfathers! Dad wasn't a bad father, but very typical of the time - he went out and earned the money (or not, in the early 90s recession, but was always job hunting) and Mum did virtually all childcare, housework, mental load etc, plus worked part time. I don't really remember playing much with him as a child, he was often on his computer at the weekend or tinkering with things around the house. He was more involved as a taxi service when we were teens - lived rurally with poor public transport. But he's been a lovely and hands-on grandpa much more than I, or perhaps even he, imagined! They don't do regular childcare, so I guess he doesn't see their occasional weekends of care as a chore so much as the day to day drudgery with small children. It's really nice to see.