Grandparents not wanting to do childcare...

[Chewchewaboogiw]

Have been thinking about several people I know whose planned retirememt or part time work has been changed as they have been asked to do childcare for their dgc and now they are doing chikdcare say 3 days a week instead of their plan to travel. And not massively happy about it ( in one case another.baby due also)..I have seen a post response recently that said that they take dgc out but they are not there for childcare. If you dont do childcare for your dgc how did you say no?( I am not in that position at present but i can imagine it would be hard work ..) I would imagine / fear adult ds would be hurt if they were told no dont want to do chikdcare and cant imagine how it would be phrased in a positive way.. anyone said no and is it bu to say you dont want to ... or is it now expected. I know that all families.different, am just asking about families who are comfortable in saying no .

I will only say this on the matter. Whether you are the parents or parents in law, if you ever told your children to have kids because you wanted grandbabies even though your children said no we don't want kids - you owe them free childcare.

I can't agree. No-one made them listen or go ahead and have children. Anyone who does that is a bit silly as parents have the ultimate responsibility and care for their children. Even if the grandparents do childcare, anyone who has children still has that to take on. Who says, "Yes, Mum and Dad, as you request," when a parent expresses their wish for grandchildren? They should be saying, "I understand you want grandchildren but our lives are the ones impacted and we have ultimate responsibility, so we've decided not to have them."

I guess I'm off the hook then as I've told my children to do whatever makes them happy as far as having children themselves goes. I've been clear that they don't owe us grandchildren and I don't mind if I don't have them, because it's not my life to make that decision for.

I’ve been v clear with DD Thst when the time comes I’ll be available to help in school school holidays, emergencies and to let her go away for the odd weekend but that l won’t want to be part of an ongoing roster

In this day and age I should hope no woman is having children just to make other people happy.

I really have no horse in this race, but would have found the discussion to be interesting if everyone weighing in started with their age and the time period their parents and grandparents did or did not help. I think that has a lot do with where the person is coming from.

I'm late 40s, DS is 10. We always had paid childcare for day to day stuff. SIL on his side babysat overnight once or twice a year to give us a night out, starting when DS was 2. (we had done likewise for her lot in the years before)
MIL did after school pick up one day a week - we didn't need it but it was engineered to get her back out of the house again after being widowed. And now she's passed away DS has such fond memories of hanging out at his nan's.

My own DM stated that she wouldn't babysit, and she's been true to her word. Not even in an emergency. Now, in her case, she was in the older group of kids in her own family so basically reared her younger siblings from about age 5 herself. She was forced to leave school to bring an income in to help support the household and the younger ones with money and hands on help. When she got married she quickly had loads of her own in succession. So I can fully understand she wants a child-free retirement and support that.

However, I won't lie- it hurts when she wouldn't help us in a genuine emergency, even once, but would happily hop in her car and drive for several hours to my sisters house to babysit because 'she needs a night out'. She's also babysat every single other grandchild several times a year. So the 'no babysitting' only really applies to me. But I also know that should DM require elderly care, she will point blank refuse a residential place, would not dream of imposing on my sister so it will fall to me likely to move her in with me, rearrange my life and home to cater for her needs. She's already starting to have an expectation that I can take my annual leave for her ad-hoc needs so expect that as she requires increasing care it will be a well established norm that I drop what I'm doing to do her bidding...

@Drinkingallthewine - so why are you the doormat?

@Drinkingallthewine

Honestly don't do it, when the time comes ensure Social Work are aware that you can't have her live with you.
The more you do the more SW will leave you to it.

Think it's rotten that your mum will help one sibling but not you. Even more mind boggling you are sisters it's not even favouring a DD over DS.

My friend is so good but feels the son is expecting too much now. 1 child.
The more you do.. she retired.

@Drinkingallthewine agree with this - say loud and clear to SW “There is no one available” and repeat on loop. It is not your job to give up your freedom night and day to accommodate someone who has treated you so unfairly by comparison to siblings. Meet with them and discuss the issue as shared responsibility when the time comes.

Wow, horrid.