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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell him I'm not doing this!

201 replies

AnnoyingHobby · 04/05/2022 18:33

My husband's child from his previous relationship does a hobby 3 nights a week. Frankly it's a massive pain in the backside as it messes up tea time etc.. for everyone else but I've just let DH get on with it in terms of ferrying to and fro.

My husband hates having to do this as well. But feels like as his child enjoys this hobby they should be allowed to go.

This is where my AIBU has come in. He has been asking for a while whether we can share the load a bit with the running around. It means for both of us, coming home from work quickly getting dressed then straight back out, waiting around for an hour and a half then back for a late tea, everyone else will have already had theirs and be part way through bath and bed routine by the time the other gets home.

DH is getting fed up of the rush 3 nights a week after work and missing that time having tea / bath / bed with us and other DC.

I've said it's up to him whether continuing with this level of activities during the week is doable for him but I'm not getting involved as to be perfectly honest I just cannot be arsed with the messing around or losing out on those evenings at home with other DC.

AIBU to say it's his issue and he either continues to do it or thinks about whether it's feasible for his child to continue with this much every week?

OP posts:
mbosnz · 04/05/2022 18:35

Surely it's for him and the child's Mum to facilitate the hobby?

Original poster
AnnoyingHobby · 04/05/2022 18:36

Just to add this is nothing against my DSC. We have a good relationship but I just don't have any wish to get involved with their hobbies all the time, I'll have enough of that I'm sure when other DC get older!

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 04/05/2022 18:36

He feels as though the effort is worth it for his child. But he wants you to share the effort. But not the decision-making that goes with it.

Yeah, no.

decentchap · 04/05/2022 18:37

The answer to your question is, for me, in the last para of your post. No yanbu and maybe the hobby does not come before everything else. It would be once a week for me and I would try and find someone else (another family) who' s DS DD likes the same hobby to share the pain.

TimeForTeaAndG · 04/05/2022 18:39

Such is life with hobbies and clubs and sports and play dates and all the other stuff that kids do. We facilitate it because our kids enjoy it, they are good at it etc.

How is DSC time split between his parents that your DH is doing the run 3 nights a week? I'm imagining it's a sport because things like cubs etc tend to only be once a week. Or is it 3 separate activities?

MarJau26 · 04/05/2022 18:39

Yanbu. A firm no from me. I wouldn't be wasting 1.5 hours of my time sitting around when I could be doing other stuff at home.

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 04/05/2022 18:41

This is life with kids. Obviously not everyone allows it, and you will just have to make that decision as a family.

I'm a single parent to 2 kids. They see their dad for a few hours at the weekend so no help from him. My 2 have clubs 3 nights a week and one weekend day. So, dinner and bedtime work around those and I ferry them about.

They enjoy the clubs. They get a huge amount of enjoyment out of them. They are a mix of sport and cultural clubs so they are getting experience of different things and different people. It's great for them, especially after missing 18 months of their young lives because of covid.

You just have to decide if you're going to do it. if not, then it's the child who suffers. If the step son is full time with you then he is as much a part of the family as the other children and should be treated as such. If you and your husband decide to end his activity, then I hope that same rule will apply to your children. It would be really quite horrible for step son to he forced to give up something he loves simply because you both cant be bothered and then have to watch his siblings get to do an activity when they're older.

Financial difficulties, work schedules making it impossible, health reasons etc... all of those would be a totally different situation. But just "we cant be bothered?" Well. That's parenting.

ShirleyPhallus · 04/05/2022 18:42

There should be a rule that no posts are published with a vague hobby in the OP.

StoneofDestiny · 04/05/2022 18:42

I'd have struggled to take my own child to a hobby 3 nights a week after work! What's the hobby that is so time demanding?
However, it's his and the child's mothers issue - and he either can or can't do it.

Mummumtum · 04/05/2022 18:45

What’s the split with SDCs mum? How far away is the activity that he has to stay for 1.5hrs?

mumonthehill · 04/05/2022 18:47

This is how it is if your dc do activities I am afraid and you will want your dc to do things when they are old enough. We do cadets 2 nights a week, a sport one night a week and a Sunday morning and a music lesson one night a week. Ds enjoys it and it does him good socially. We just work around it.

NoSquirrels · 04/05/2022 18:47

Does he live with you primarily?

It is a bit shit that your DH misses time with his other DC 3 nights a week. So I’d perhaps be offering to do 1 run in order to benefit my own DC having time with their dad. But 3x a week is a lot - we have activities 5 days out of 7, which means timing tea & ferrying 4x nights a week. That’s split between 2x DC though - what will happen when your own DC want to do activities? Will the age gap be big enough that won’t overlap?

HalloHello · 04/05/2022 18:48

I would possibly say I'd do 1 night a week, and use that 1.5 hours to either do a food shop or even just have a coffee and read my book in peace as I never have the chance to do that normally!

frazzledasarock · 04/05/2022 18:49

And this is the reason I didn’t have any after school regular activities. I didn’t have the time or energy to be coming home from work and taking them to the hobby/sport/activity.

if you choose to commit to a regular hobby for your own DC that completely down to you. Your H making his DC give up his hobby because he can’t be bothered (if he does that) is on him and his child’s mother.

I wouldn’t be committing to this either. I have enough on my plate without having to carve out swathes of time to ferry around a child who isn’t my responsibility. He has presumably two perfectly able parents to do it.

Tothepoint99 · 04/05/2022 18:51

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 04/05/2022 18:41

This is life with kids. Obviously not everyone allows it, and you will just have to make that decision as a family.

I'm a single parent to 2 kids. They see their dad for a few hours at the weekend so no help from him. My 2 have clubs 3 nights a week and one weekend day. So, dinner and bedtime work around those and I ferry them about.

They enjoy the clubs. They get a huge amount of enjoyment out of them. They are a mix of sport and cultural clubs so they are getting experience of different things and different people. It's great for them, especially after missing 18 months of their young lives because of covid.

You just have to decide if you're going to do it. if not, then it's the child who suffers. If the step son is full time with you then he is as much a part of the family as the other children and should be treated as such. If you and your husband decide to end his activity, then I hope that same rule will apply to your children. It would be really quite horrible for step son to he forced to give up something he loves simply because you both cant be bothered and then have to watch his siblings get to do an activity when they're older.

Financial difficulties, work schedules making it impossible, health reasons etc... all of those would be a totally different situation. But just "we cant be bothered?" Well. That's parenting.

A somewhat polarised view.....

NoSquirrels · 04/05/2022 18:52

HalloHello · 04/05/2022 18:48

I would possibly say I'd do 1 night a week, and use that 1.5 hours to either do a food shop or even just have a coffee and read my book in peace as I never have the chance to do that normally!

This is what I do during one of my 1.5 hour DC’s activities. Perfect amount of time for a food shop and then sit in car with a books and a shop-bought treat 😆

frostedfruits · 04/05/2022 18:54

I would make friends with other parents from the clubs and see if they would be up for taking each others children every other week, once you know them of course. Saves petrol, helps the planet, saves everyone's sanity!

Greensleeves · 04/05/2022 18:56

There's no right or wrong answer. If the dynamic in your family is "his kids" and "your kids" rather than an actual blended family arrangement, then of course his kids' activities are nobody's problem but his. Personally I couldn't live like that. It would be a blended family, with sharing of responsibilities and give and take, or not living together at all.

SmellyWellyWoo · 04/05/2022 18:56

It depends if his other parent is in the picture.

CornishPorsche · 04/05/2022 18:57

Will he refuse to help with the other DC in future, do you think?

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 04/05/2022 18:57

@ Tothepoint99

Oh, am I meant to just agree with the OP and everyone who posted a different opinion to me?

I didnt realised mumsnet had become a site where we cannot post our own opinion just because we differ from the OP.

I think it is very unfair that the OP clearly dislikes the way this child's hobby affects her children's routine. She sees it as disruptive whilst then saying she will have running around to do when her children are older.

So, it'll be fine when it's her children disrupting routine. But it isnt fine when it is her step son.

She doesnt want to actually do the running around but her post didnt feel just about that. She clearly doesnt like that it happens and disrupts the flow of the house. Until it's her kids and that will be fine.

LoveSpringDaffs · 04/05/2022 18:58

What's his living situation? Is his mum on the scene? Is it something he could still be part of if he only went twice a week?

more questions than answers really!

I did LOTS of running around for sports/clubs/hobbies, but it was my decision to allow them.

im not sure in your situation. I'd probably have offered to do one night a week, but I'd be fucked off if DH 'allowed' a hobby for a child then suggested I split the load taking them when I would have said 'no' to it, rather than it being a joint decision!!

what's the situation with sharing lifts with other parents?

Onwards22 · 04/05/2022 18:58

It’s not fair to make the child stop their hobby just because it’s slightly inconvenient for him.

He’s going to just have to suck it up and go.
Its hardly the worst thing in the world to have a later dinner 3 x a week.

I would try and make the most out of the time by getting him to do the shopping so he doesn’t need to do it on a weekend.
Or if another parent lives close then he could offer to take in turns.
Or he could join a local gym or something himself and do his own hobby at the same time.

You shouldn’t be doing it unless you want to and he shouldn’t encourage his child to stop.

Original poster
AnnoyingHobby · 04/05/2022 18:58

So I do get it's 'life with kids' which is why I've just grinned and beared it when DH was doing it.

But, put totally bluntly, I don't see why I should really?

His Mum rarely does them. He tends to be with us the majority of the time anyway but DH always ends up doing the ferrying.

It's sport. Two practices and then a match.

OP posts:
RishiRich · 04/05/2022 19:01

YANBU. He's part of your family but it's his parents' job to facilitate his activities. If it's too much for him/them then they need to work that out between themselves.

I have two DC, a DH who isn't their dad and an exH who isn't around much. I do 97% of the running around for them. DH has it sorted when I'm stuck but I wouldn't dream of asking him to come home from work early and do club shuttles on a regular basis.