To tell him I'm not doing this!

[AnnoyingHobby]

My husband's child from his previous relationship does a hobby 3 nights a week. Frankly it's a massive pain in the backside as it messes up tea time etc.. for everyone else but I've just let DH get on with it in terms of ferrying to and fro.

My husband hates having to do this as well. But feels like as his child enjoys this hobby they should be allowed to go.

This is where my AIBU has come in. He has been asking for a while whether we can share the load a bit with the running around. It means for both of us, coming home from work quickly getting dressed then straight back out, waiting around for an hour and a half then back for a late tea, everyone else will have already had theirs and be part way through bath and bed routine by the time the other gets home.

DH is getting fed up of the rush 3 nights a week after work and missing that time having tea / bath / bed with us and other DC.

I've said it's up to him whether continuing with this level of activities during the week is doable for him but I'm not getting involved as to be perfectly honest I just cannot be arsed with the messing around or losing out on those evenings at home with other DC.

AIBU to say it's his issue and he either continues to do it or thinks about whether it's feasible for his child to continue with this much every week?

I think it is very unfair that the OP clearly dislikes the way this child's hobby affects her children's routine. She sees it as disruptive whilst then saying she will have running around to do when her children are older.

So, it'll be fine when it's her children disrupting routine. But it isnt fine when it is her step son.

Well yes it is disruptive and neither of us are overjoyed about it taking over the evening three nights a week. But if he wants to do it then that's fine, as I say I appreciate it's life with kids. I don't think that means I have to be ecstatic about it does it?

I've not said anything about stopping him from doing the hobby. Just that I won't be taking him so if DH feels unable to cope with it himself (or between himself and his ex) then maybe he'll have to think more about it.

How old is the kid, can they get the bus there or can thier mum take them?

DS also has training twice a week and a match every Saturday. It is a lot but thankfully it's local enough that I can go to the gym or just come home after dropping him off for training.

In that case he should be asking the mum to do her share. 3 sessions a week outside of school isn’t abnormal, sure you’ll do it for your own kids. Could he come home between drop and pick up or do something useful like food shop?

On what basis, presumably they're ALL HIS children!

Your husband has decided to continue this routine, with no input from you, so it’s up to him to facilitate it.

It is parenting, yes, so it’s up to his actual parents.

It is up to him to do the driving back and forth but could they not do the hobby twice a week as 3 times seems a bit excessive also. Not fair that everyone else has their time messed up. What about the mum can she do the dropping off and picking up once a week to help out.

I think I would be willing to do once a week providing I could use the 1.5hrs to go for a run / to the gym / to the pub with a book.
Its good for your dh to have one night solo in charge of dinner and bed for the others.

I just think surely a child does the amount of clubs their parents can manage? I didn't go to a hobby if my mum or dad couldn't commit to take me, they didn't have multiple other people they could 'share the load with'. His own mum barely does it!

His Mum rarely does them. He tends to be with us the majority of the time anyway but DH always ends up doing the ferrying.

It's sport. Two practices and then a match.

He should work it out with DSS’s mother then.

Well I spent years ferrying my kids to their various sports every single day. Mostly on my own as my ex wasn't around.

If I lived with my boyfriend and his kids I would take some of the load. I would treat his kids as my kids. As long as he also pulled his weight and was helpful with me. Team work.

But on the night that you would take DSC to his sport, he would do dinner and bed etc. Not you do everything plus taling kid to sports.

3 nights a week isn't unusual for kids sports. Most teams require commitment of 2 nights a week then weekend matches.
If mum isnt on the picture I would personally compromise on 1 night a week. As soon as yours and dh kids are a bit older would u expect him to do all the running to activities?

I agree with you. I think the people that made the decision about him dooms the sport should be the ones facilitating it or else deciding if it is not manageable. Are there any alternatives? Is there a club that is closer or one that you can lift share? My dd swims 2 or 3 times a week but luckily we lift share with a few other families.

So would you make your own child quit an activity they like doing?

How old is the child?
Is it feasible to get there alone and be picked up?
lift share with another family or two (I do this for DD, one run out of 4 for the two practices).

Is it 2x evenings a week and a weekend daytime match?

Or 3x evenings a week?

wouldn't OP decide whether to commit to the hobby based on family logistics?

this isn’t OP’s child he has two parents to facilitate the hobby. OP has had no input on whether DSC takes up this hobby.

what OP commits to for her own children when they’re old enough to do hobbies will be dependant on both the children's parents ability to facilitate the hobby. It won’t be reliant on another adult with no parental responsibility to take on the responsibility of ferrying her children around.

His mum needs to take him! It's as simple as that!

But they already do teamwork. If she wasn't at home looking after the other kids, he couldn't drive his son around.

Greensleeves · 04/05/2022 18:56
There's no right or wrong answer. If the dynamic in your family is "his kids" and "your kids" rather than an actual blended family arrangement, then of course his kids' activities are nobody's problem but his. Personally I couldn't live like that. It would be a blended family, with sharing of responsibilities and give and take, or not living together at all.

I agree with this.

If me or their dad i.e. their parents couldn't do it? Erm what choice would I have? At the end of the day it's no one else's responsibility to ferry my children around because I don't want to have to do it so often. If the burden would be so great on me then they'd have to stop doing it, I couldn't just expect other people to!

Why should the OP be the one making the arrangements? Her OH has a tongue in his head, he can find the other parents and negotiate the arrangements, then if there is a problem it is his to solve.

I imagine she wouldn’t, given that they’re the parents of said children. I also imagine she’d consider what activities were suitable dependent on how much time spent running around was required.

OP is not his parent. OP also had no say in what activities the dss does. It’s not her issue to solve.

I'm not sure about lift sharing, I don't know who goes but I don't think DH ever speaks to any of the other parents anyway.

DSS is too young to get a bus.