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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell him I'm not doing this!

201 replies

AnnoyingHobby · 04/05/2022 18:33

My husband's child from his previous relationship does a hobby 3 nights a week. Frankly it's a massive pain in the backside as it messes up tea time etc.. for everyone else but I've just let DH get on with it in terms of ferrying to and fro.

My husband hates having to do this as well. But feels like as his child enjoys this hobby they should be allowed to go.

This is where my AIBU has come in. He has been asking for a while whether we can share the load a bit with the running around. It means for both of us, coming home from work quickly getting dressed then straight back out, waiting around for an hour and a half then back for a late tea, everyone else will have already had theirs and be part way through bath and bed routine by the time the other gets home.

DH is getting fed up of the rush 3 nights a week after work and missing that time having tea / bath / bed with us and other DC.

I've said it's up to him whether continuing with this level of activities during the week is doable for him but I'm not getting involved as to be perfectly honest I just cannot be arsed with the messing around or losing out on those evenings at home with other DC.

AIBU to say it's his issue and he either continues to do it or thinks about whether it's feasible for his child to continue with this much every week?

OP posts:
Magnoliafail · 05/05/2022 10:25

@AnnoyingHobby - it’s not about the parents though, it’s about the child. Yes it’s annoying that the child’s mother isn’t doing more, but why should he be penalised for that?

What is the contact split? Is the DS with you 50/50? Or is it EOW and your DH takes the kid to these clubs then drops him back to his DM afterwards?

Original poster
AnnoyingHobby · 05/05/2022 10:25

Has he considered taking a packed dinner with him?

He makes it when he gets home. I was making something again for them when they got in but I've stopped doing that now as it was messing up getting the others to bed. So I feed and look after the others and he sorts himself and DSS out tea when they get home.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnnoyingHobby · 05/05/2022 10:28

it’s not about the parents though, it’s about the child. Yes it’s annoying that the child’s mother isn’t doing more, but why should he be penalised for that?

He's in the same position as any other child though in that his parents decide what works for them and what doesn't in terms of what activities he can do during the week. If his parents decide 3x a week is too much for them to sort out themselves then that's a discussion they need to have, like any other parent. We don't all have someone else we can split it with. I will have to make the same decisions when my own DC want to do hobbies. If it's too much for me and DH to sort between us then they can't do that. I don't have some third person I can expect to split it with us. It's not penalising a child, it's part of every day life! Lots of people on this thread have said they wouldn't do a hobby 3x a week as it would take away from their family time. Are they all penalising their children?

It's supposed to be 50/50 but he tends to stay more 60/40 with us.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnnoyingHobby · 05/05/2022 10:33

And no one is saying he's going to have to stop doing it either. It's my husband who finds it a PITA but he's still doing it. As so many have said, it's a pain but part of parenting so let him get on with it / talk to his mum again.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 05/05/2022 10:37

But it is about the parents in that they are wanting another person to lessen their parenting load in terms of ferrying their child to a sport they have accepted the burden of getting them to ( a decision in which OP had no input, quite understandably so, so long as they're not expecting her to pick up the slack, oh, hang on a minute. . .), three days a week, because they just don't wanna. . .

OP is helping facilitate the Dad to be able to manage the parenting load he accepted in terms of ferrying his and ex-DP's child to a sport 3 days a week, managing everything else at home without him, while also maximising the time she has with those kids because she is working full time.

butteriesplease · 05/05/2022 10:49

hi, kids activities can be a burden. I think that at 9, your step son is old enough to be in a lift share situation. Your DH can organise that. He can ask coaches who lives near that he could ask. Am sure the other parents would also appreciate a night off the driving! Sounds like its a bit far to drop and go, then go back again. Agree that it is up to your DH to sort, and am presuming your kids are quite a bit younger and not interested/able to also join in same activity - the holy grail, all kids at same activity, at same time..! Lift share which have worked for me are one parent takes all kids to the activity , the other parent then picks them up and brings home. Or you could do day/day about. Hope you can find a solution to fit your family ok.

billy1966 · 05/05/2022 10:52

OP, be grateful that you are seeing tjis clearly and NOT taking on board the many ridiculous posts on MN that a step mothers function is un paid skivvy and au pair to the step child at its parents convience.

This childs activities are nothing to do with you and you should continue to refuse to engage.

This idea that the child's mother refusal to be involved immediately transfers to you having to step into this role is 100% ridiculous.

3x a week is a huge amount and Inbet you that you will remember this time in years to come when your husband certainly doesn't do it for your child.

Protect yourself within this relationship, because you have married someone who will use you if he gets half the chance.

It is a very common theme on MN.

Focus on your children.

latetothefisting · 05/05/2022 15:45

SleeplessInEngland · 05/05/2022 09:50

I'd be curious to know what the hobby was to see how frivolous (for lack of a better word) it is, but without knowing that maybe you could do the lifts once a month as a show of good faith?

I do think when you marry someone who has youngish kids you make a choice to take on a degree of responsbility for them, and at a certain age that does unfortunately mean a shitload of ferrying.

What difference could it possibly make what the hobby is? It's clearly some sort of sport (OP's said the 3 occasions per week are 2xpractices and a match) and is clearly something the kid likes so hiw is the actual sport relevant? is football "frivolous" but fencing would be useful? Tennis is silly but rugby is serious?

Winterautumn · 06/05/2022 21:53

Op you kept making the point that your bio children only have 2 parents while your step child has extra step parents, so why should you as a step parent step up?!
I’m sure your step child would much rather have the situation of both parents living together and supporting each other like your own child has.
if your child needed to go out to an activity 3 times a week, It would easily be managed between you both so I think you should support the hobbies of your step child as he was in your partners life first they came as a package.

Winterautumn · 06/05/2022 21:54

It’s not been a skivvy supporting a child

frazzledasarock · 06/05/2022 22:00

OP not being around won’t give DSS both his parents living together though.

so that’s nothing to do with OP either.

i see the ‘the step children would rather have both their parents etc’ trotted out so much on these boards. But in actual fact no child would want bickering parents who hated eachother living together and making eachother and everyone in the house miserable.

and none of that is up to the OP to recompense DSS. He has two parents. OP has her own DC to parent. Especially as the older DSS’s hobby means they don’t get to see much of their dad during three days a week.

ItsDinah · 06/05/2022 22:22

I think it's unkind to DSS if his father now decides he can't be bothered taking him every night. It's as if his dad doesn't want to spend as much time with him.

Winterautumn · 06/05/2022 23:48

Frazzle… Of course it’s to do with op .. she had a child with a man who already had commitments to another child. So it would be expected that family time would be split.

Winterautumn · 06/05/2022 23:50

But I do still think it’s up to the father to facilitate the activity. No harm in helping out though with all kids thought .. surely that’s the best way for children of blended families

Autienotnaughtie · 07/05/2022 04:05

YANBU

You didn't/don't get a say in wether this hobby happens as you will when your dc are older

You work full time and don't want to be out at a time when young dc are getting ready for bed

I would suggest dss mum does one and dh does two one week then they switch the next.

WelshTiger · 07/05/2022 04:15

If you would do it for your own children, you should do it for your step child.

You knew he had another child when you married him.

If you wouldn't do it for your children, fair enough.

Rainbowqueeen · 07/05/2022 04:29

I would not do this either iIn your situation.

If your DH doesn’t like waiting around then he needs to find something constructive to do with his time while he waits or organise a ride share so he does not have to do it so often.

poor DSS. He probably sees it as a lovely Bonding time with his dad and a chance for one on one time. What a shame your DH doesn’t see it that way.

HP87 · 07/05/2022 04:32

I'm with you op. I have three dc there's no way any of them will be doing a sport 3 times midweek that's 20 mins away. I'm on my own until at least 7 every midweek evening (after working all day) and I'm not spending it sat outside a club for an hour and a half with two other children, plus travel time.

Dh did swimming (8 times a week or something stupid) he was hoping one of the kids would take it up until I reminded him we have three of the things not just 1 like he was! He soon changed his mind when I told them if any want to compete in swimming then he does it all (which would be impossible with his work)

Not really sure why you have to be part of the ferrying around while you don't get a part in the decision on if he goes or not.

Can't he find a more local club

endofthelinefinally · 07/05/2022 04:48

Do you not just batch cook meals that can be portioned out and 2 portions go in the microwave when they get home?
Not what you asked, I know, but it would make everybody's lives easier.
Back in the day when my dc were all doing different activities I made huge cottage/ fish pies, pasta sauces etc. The people who came in late heated theirs up, the younger ones got theirs earlier.
It must be a faff for dh to start cooking a meal after being out at an activity. Maybe he could take a turn at batch cooking on an evening he was in? It is such an easy way to save time.

funinthesun19 · 07/05/2022 08:52

WelshTiger · 07/05/2022 04:15

If you would do it for your own children, you should do it for your step child.

You knew he had another child when you married him.

If you wouldn't do it for your children, fair enough.

But why is it so crucial that she does take her stepchild? His father is taking him.

Fraaahnces · 07/05/2022 09:23

@WelshTiger OP has stated repeatedly that she WOULDN’T do it for her own children either. She accepts that 3x per week is too much and wouldn’t consider signing her kids on to hobbies that involve that kind of commitment.

Your agenda is showing.

whumpthereitis · 07/05/2022 14:39

Magnoliafail · 05/05/2022 10:25

@AnnoyingHobby - it’s not about the parents though, it’s about the child. Yes it’s annoying that the child’s mother isn’t doing more, but why should he be penalised for that?

What is the contact split? Is the DS with you 50/50? Or is it EOW and your DH takes the kid to these clubs then drops him back to his DM afterwards?

It’s not just about the child though, it’s also about OP and her own children. She’s not willing to do it and sacrifice the time she has with them.

whumpthereitis · 07/05/2022 14:41

WelshTiger · 07/05/2022 04:15

If you would do it for your own children, you should do it for your step child.

You knew he had another child when you married him.

If you wouldn't do it for your children, fair enough.

He knew what he was doing when he committed to this arrangement.

He knows he has other children he’s sacrificing time with, and relying on OP to look after while he continues with this arrangement.

I imagine OP already does a fair amount for her step child. Marrying a man who already has a child is not an agreement to run around after said child in every way.

WalkerWalking · 07/05/2022 14:45

I'm impressed that you both want to be the parent who gets to stay home and do tea/bath/bed. In our house, we're always arguing over who gets to sit in the car on their phone for an hour 🤣🤣

AnneElliott · 07/05/2022 16:41

I don't think you are BU. His dad agreed to the hobby so he either needs to take him or agree with the mum that she shares the load.

Surely your DH can try and sort a car share with another parent if he's finding the 3 days too much? Your DSS doesn't need to stop but it is his fathers problem.