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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell him I'm not doing this!

201 replies

AnnoyingHobby · 04/05/2022 18:33

My husband's child from his previous relationship does a hobby 3 nights a week. Frankly it's a massive pain in the backside as it messes up tea time etc.. for everyone else but I've just let DH get on with it in terms of ferrying to and fro.

My husband hates having to do this as well. But feels like as his child enjoys this hobby they should be allowed to go.

This is where my AIBU has come in. He has been asking for a while whether we can share the load a bit with the running around. It means for both of us, coming home from work quickly getting dressed then straight back out, waiting around for an hour and a half then back for a late tea, everyone else will have already had theirs and be part way through bath and bed routine by the time the other gets home.

DH is getting fed up of the rush 3 nights a week after work and missing that time having tea / bath / bed with us and other DC.

I've said it's up to him whether continuing with this level of activities during the week is doable for him but I'm not getting involved as to be perfectly honest I just cannot be arsed with the messing around or losing out on those evenings at home with other DC.

AIBU to say it's his issue and he either continues to do it or thinks about whether it's feasible for his child to continue with this much every week?

OP posts:
Ragwort · 04/05/2022 20:02

Personally I would offer to one evening, on the strict understanding that your DH does dinner, bath, homework, bed etc for the DC at home ... you could use the time to just sit quietly on your own with a good book Grin .... but no way should you then come home to chaos! I used to quite enjoy the time my DS was at sports practice etc .. I could be totally undisturbed!

Original poster
AnnoyingHobby · 04/05/2022 20:03

now he has a stepmum who wants his dad to stop bothering too?

I've never said anything of the sort! If he wants to bother that's down to him, I'd never stop him! It's the fact that he's saying he doesn't want to be the one to bother now that I'm saying no to!

OP posts:
whumpthereitis · 04/05/2022 20:03

Phobiaphobic · 04/05/2022 19:55

Women, always put your own needs last. Definitely behind those of any child, even if their own mother can't be arsed to look after them. Otherwise you're selfish and horrible, and of course your feelings don't matter.

OP, you're being completely reasonable. This is a problem for the child's natural mother and father to sort out.

It’s a shame to see so many buy into that shite, and berating OP because she won’t. Fuck that.

Given that the kid spends most of the time at their house, I imagine she already does quite a lot for him. Not wanting to run around because of a hobby isn’t quite the same as banishing him to a cupboard under the stairs.

ilovemyboys3 · 04/05/2022 20:05

I wouldnt commit to a 3x a week hobby for my own child without the assistance of his dad especially after work and when you've got other children to organise.
So it would be a firm no for doing it for the step son. He has his own mum to help with the ferrying around and your partner is being unreasonable to ask you or make you feel guilty for not helping.

mackthepony · 04/05/2022 20:05

If DH doesn't want to do it, then he shouldn't. Not pass the responsibility onto you?!

olympicsrock · 04/05/2022 20:06

No - i would do it. Agree that children should do as much as parents can manage. My DS aged 10 does one sport ( once weekly training and a match) . Also does swimming at same time as sibling once weekly. That’s it. We can’t manage more…

olympicsrock · 04/05/2022 20:07

Sorry would NOT do it.

itsgettingweird · 04/05/2022 20:08

Thebestwaytoscareatory · 04/05/2022 19:37

There's no right or wrong answer. If the dynamic in your family is "his kids" and "your kids" rather than an actual blended family arrangement, then of course his kids' activities are nobody's problem but his. Personally I couldn't live like that. It would be a blended family, with sharing of responsibilities and give and take, or not living together at all.

The way it should be. The OP clearly views DSS as outside of "her" family and regardless of how well she thinks she's hiding it the poor kid will spot it eventually.

This.

The boy lives with you for the majority of the time. If he was at his mums for sports evenings she should be facilitating it - but your posts seem to indicate not?

Why can't you do 1 evening a week? Get to know parents, talk about car pooling, read a book, do some food shopping or go to a cafe for coffee and read? Then DH can spend time with his other children - and actually you may find it more if a break than being the one at home doing the cooking and cleaning!

It's the way it is with children - and I'm sure you'll want dh to do his fair share of ferrying for the others too?

And be grateful he isn't a swimmer! I ferry ds to the pool 8 times a week over 6 days and all around the country to compete. His dad isn't around and I'm a LP!

billy1966 · 04/05/2022 20:09

So in typical MN men style, he doesn't like this part of parenting and wants to foist it on his current wife🙄.

Absolutely not.
Do not get involved.
Do not entertain this in any way.

He either does it himself 100% or your step son stops.
He needs to revisit the subject with his ex wife.
This has NOTHING to do with you.

There is no way I would have done this for any one of my children if it took me away 3 nights a week from the home and my other children.

Not doable unless it's an only child IMO.

Do not do it even once as he is only dying to offload his parenting on you.

Your focus is YOUR children.

You will have activities soon enough for your own children.

Velvian · 04/05/2022 20:11

Yanbu, op. However, could it it work out well for you if it is on the proviso that DH does everything at that you do while DH is taking DSS.

Take a book or watch something on your phone in the car, phone a friend. Then come home to a cooked dinner and bathed DC.

Charley50 · 04/05/2022 20:11

I think it would nice if you did it once a week, then DH would do the dinner, bedtime for the younger kids etc. I think it would reap benefits as they all grow up tbh.

Tangled123 · 04/05/2022 20:12

I think the fairest thing would be dad does one night, bio mum does one night, and OP takes third night. If OP changes her mindset, she could really enjoy it. Nearly an hour of kid free time to herself that she can use for her own hobby (gym/reading/chatting to other parents/visiting family), plus the chance to bond with stepson.

Original poster
AnnoyingHobby · 04/05/2022 20:13

I ferry ds to the pool 8 times a week over 6 days and all around the country to compete. His dad isn't around and I'm a LP!

I'm assuming you got a choice in whether or not he does that? Not just had someone else decide it was happening and then tried to pass it on to you?

I get zero say in his hobby so why should I be the one to arrange car shares and standing around trying to get to know other parents etc etc (my idea of hell actually as someone who feels very awkward in social situations! 🤣) as PP said, my husband has a tongue in his head, why can't he do that?

OP posts:
BronwenFrideswide · 04/05/2022 20:15

OP, were you involved in any discussion prior to the activity and what it involved being agreed?

Original poster
AnnoyingHobby · 04/05/2022 20:15

Nearly an hour of kid free time to herself

I guess the answer is I just don't want this. I work full time as it is, I feel like I barely get to spend that time with my DC so no I'm not jumping for joy at even more time with them being taken away so I can sit in the car and read a book. I understand some people would love that, but that's not what I want, I want to be at home with my children.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnnoyingHobby · 04/05/2022 20:16

BronwenFrideswide · 04/05/2022 20:15

OP, were you involved in any discussion prior to the activity and what it involved being agreed?

Nope!

OP posts:
Magnoliafail · 04/05/2022 20:19

You don’t have to do it but it would be nice if you did sometimes. That is what we do for people we care about, go out of our way at times.

I have 4 DC from my first marriage. My now DH doesn’t have to do anything for them as he is their stepdad. But he does. He shares the load with me, by choice, because he loves me and wants to work as a team and make my life easier. I also do everything I can for him, to make his life nice, we both pick up the slack for each other, don’t really “keep score” and it’s a lovely partnership to be in.

I think DH does things for the kids also because he wants to and cares for them. He drove DS to a football match 1.5 hrs away. Because his own dad pulled out at the last minute (which is typical) and he didn’t want DS to miss out. I certainly didn’t ask him to, he offered. I was grateful though and so was DS.

Magnoliafail · 04/05/2022 20:19

You don’t have to do it but it would be nice if you did sometimes. That is what we do for people we care about, go out of our way at times.

I have 4 DC from my first marriage. My now DH doesn’t have to do anything for them as he is their stepdad. But he does. He shares the load with me, by choice, because he loves me and wants to work as a team and make my life easier. I also do everything I can for him, to make his life nice, we both pick up the slack for each other, don’t really “keep score” and it’s a lovely partnership to be in.

I think DH does things for the kids also because he wants to and cares for them. He drove DS to a football match 1.5 hrs away. Because his own dad pulled out at the last minute (which is typical) and he didn’t want DS to miss out. I certainly didn’t ask him to, he offered. I was grateful though and so was DS.

BronwenFrideswide · 04/05/2022 20:20

Ah you've just answered my question in your last post with this:

I get zero say in his hobby

In that case it's all down to his dad then isn't it and if he is feeling the strain then he needs to speak to his sons mother about helping out.

TheMamaYo · 04/05/2022 20:22

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. He’s got a mum and dad, it’s not your responsibility. Good on you for having some boundaries.

SoftSheen · 04/05/2022 20:25

HalloHello · 04/05/2022 18:48

I would possibly say I'd do 1 night a week, and use that 1.5 hours to either do a food shop or even just have a coffee and read my book in peace as I never have the chance to do that normally!

This is what I'd do!

Velvian · 04/05/2022 20:26

Yanbu at all, op. I think 3 x a week for 1 hobby is too much for both parents working full time. I've just changed my DC's swimming to the weekend, as that was too much of a pain. That's all they do, outside of after school clubs.

I have always thought that DC need a bit of time on the sofa after a day of school and after school care. We all appreciate sofa and TV in this house.

fruitbrewhaha · 04/05/2022 20:26

This is madness. Your DH needs to buddy up with other parents to take turns. My DD does an activity which is 1.5 hours one evening and then 2 hours or sometimes more if there's a match on Sundays. It's rugby so until recently she needed someone present in case of injury and as she has broken bones I was keen to stay, but as she is older now there are a few people who can do lifts etc. there should be a whatapp group or spond or similar to sort of logistics and info.

NoSquirrels · 04/05/2022 20:27

AnnoyingHobby · 04/05/2022 20:15

Nearly an hour of kid free time to herself

I guess the answer is I just don't want this. I work full time as it is, I feel like I barely get to spend that time with my DC so no I'm not jumping for joy at even more time with them being taken away so I can sit in the car and read a book. I understand some people would love that, but that's not what I want, I want to be at home with my children.

Fair enough!

DH can discuss a fairer share with DSS’s mother.

Original poster
AnnoyingHobby · 04/05/2022 20:27

He drove DS to a football match 1.5 hrs away. Because his own dad pulled out at the last minute (which is typical) and he didn’t want DS to miss out

Emergencies are different imo. I'd do this as a one off, DH can't make it back in time style situation. I think that's different to committing to a set amount of time every week.

OP posts:
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