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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell him I'm not doing this!

201 replies

AnnoyingHobby · 04/05/2022 18:33

My husband's child from his previous relationship does a hobby 3 nights a week. Frankly it's a massive pain in the backside as it messes up tea time etc.. for everyone else but I've just let DH get on with it in terms of ferrying to and fro.

My husband hates having to do this as well. But feels like as his child enjoys this hobby they should be allowed to go.

This is where my AIBU has come in. He has been asking for a while whether we can share the load a bit with the running around. It means for both of us, coming home from work quickly getting dressed then straight back out, waiting around for an hour and a half then back for a late tea, everyone else will have already had theirs and be part way through bath and bed routine by the time the other gets home.

DH is getting fed up of the rush 3 nights a week after work and missing that time having tea / bath / bed with us and other DC.

I've said it's up to him whether continuing with this level of activities during the week is doable for him but I'm not getting involved as to be perfectly honest I just cannot be arsed with the messing around or losing out on those evenings at home with other DC.

AIBU to say it's his issue and he either continues to do it or thinks about whether it's feasible for his child to continue with this much every week?

OP posts:
Topseyt123 · 04/05/2022 19:31

Where is the stepchild's mother in all of this? You mention DH's mum (his mum), but are not clear.

She needs to step up if at all possible.

Leeds2 · 04/05/2022 19:32

I don't think YABU at all for refusing to have anything to do with this.

That said, if it were my DH and DSS, and given DH has said he would like you to help so that he gets to spend more time with his other DC, I would probably agree to give limited assistance. Even if only one night a month. Use the opportunity to do the grocery shop, or sit in my car reading/on mumsnet etc.

I would also encourage DH to find out if there are any lift sharing opportunities with another local family, so that DH takes two children to one training session per week, and then delivers them home, and the other family do the same on the other training night.

Is match day at the weekend? If so, would it be possible for the whole family to go to watch and cheer DSS on? Maybe not every week, but could be a nice whole family trip.

Bottom line though is, I think, if you don't want to you absolutely don't have to.

PingPages · 04/05/2022 19:32

Are there any issues around step parenting in your family or is this the only one? Just wondering if any other context

StorytimeSasha · 04/05/2022 19:32

I've voted YABU.

Your DSC came with your DH. You can't 'just not be arsed ' to parent him, which is what this is.

How do you think he feels, knowing that his dad and step mum resent hom doing a sport that he enjoys? Because he will know.

Try making arrangements with other parents to save on the lifts if you hate it that much, but quite frankly as a parent you need to get on with this, you don't get to choose when you want to be involved.

Original poster
AnnoyingHobby · 04/05/2022 19:33

I've never been so I'm not sure what the other children do / whether it looks like a lot share with other families. I genuinely don't know much about it, don't even know what the place looks like! I know DH tends to sit in his car and wait there. It's about a 20-30 min drive from us but traffic can make it worse

OP posts:
Discovereads · 04/05/2022 19:35

I would be offering to do 1x a week. For the sake of all the DC.
It would help your bond with your step son as your posts come across as very detached and cold if I’m honest. Calling it a waste of time to do something for a child in your family.
It would help your DH bond with the rest of the DC as I am sure they do miss him when he’s gone 3x a week with his older son. They might perhaps feel that there is favouritism on his part when actually he wants to spend time equally with all his DC but you’re not willing to help him make that happen.

It is part of parenting that older children will have activities you (and any partner) should work as a team to support. Since this child appears to only have 1 activity that requires 3x a week commitment, I don’t think he is over scheduled. Many children I know have many more activities in a week. And as you say, when the other DC are older they will want the same opportunity and you have no issue supporting them.

I know step son has a mother but she sounds very absent from his life. Yes she should be pulling her weight, but she isn’t. It seems a real shame to just let a step child go without when you could help, even just once a week would probably be much appreciated by the child and your DH.

Thebestwaytoscareatory · 04/05/2022 19:37

There's no right or wrong answer. If the dynamic in your family is "his kids" and "your kids" rather than an actual blended family arrangement, then of course his kids' activities are nobody's problem but his. Personally I couldn't live like that. It would be a blended family, with sharing of responsibilities and give and take, or not living together at all.

The way it should be. The OP clearly views DSS as outside of "her" family and regardless of how well she thinks she's hiding it the poor kid will spot it eventually.

Idontgiveashitanymore · 04/05/2022 19:37

If it’s 3 nights a week his bio mum should be helping out , not you .

AnuSTart · 04/05/2022 19:39

My DP helps to do exactly this with my DD.
If he were unwilling it would make me reassess the whole relationship and think him a knob frankly.
His child is as important as your joint children. His time cannot stretch so it should be your part to help enable his relationship with all the kids if he is tired. It's not eternal. It's not incredibly hard. It's bloody parenting!

averythinline · 04/05/2022 19:42

What about the rest of the dc? Is this sustainable when all of them are doing activities??? Are any of them likely to do the same activities??
Or are their choices going to be restricted?

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 04/05/2022 19:43

It doesnt matter if his bio mum should be helping.

Who let's a child down or refuses to help their life partner because, "she should be doing it."

She isnt. She sucks.
You're a family. He is your family. Dont choose to suck too.

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 04/05/2022 19:44

averythinline · 04/05/2022 19:42

What about the rest of the dc? Is this sustainable when all of them are doing activities??? Are any of them likely to do the same activities??
Or are their choices going to be restricted?

It'll just work like it does in any other family with multiple children.

I've managed as a single parent to get both my kids to the clubs they have chosen. I'm sure a two parent family can figure it out.

whumpthereitis · 04/05/2022 19:44

AnuSTart · 04/05/2022 19:39

My DP helps to do exactly this with my DD.
If he were unwilling it would make me reassess the whole relationship and think him a knob frankly.
His child is as important as your joint children. His time cannot stretch so it should be your part to help enable his relationship with all the kids if he is tired. It's not eternal. It's not incredibly hard. It's bloody parenting!

Tbh if I had a partner that thought it was my responsibility to facilitate an arrangement that I had no input in then he could think me a knob at saying no as much as he likes. The feeling would be mutual.

There’s no ‘should’ about it. OP is unwilling, whereas her DH is the one that committed to it. That’s on him.

NalPolishRemover · 04/05/2022 19:45

Poor DSS, I feel very sorry for him. I agree with pp who say that your dh came as a package with dss & that's non negotiable.
You sound v unloving towards this boy & very much like your new family is the real family. He will 100% pick up on this.
If dss was your biological son who was that much older than the other kids & he was playing this sport would you make him give up because you couldn't be arsed to bring him? I absolutely doubt it

Its sad for dss that his mum doesn't bother with him & now he has a stepmum who wants his dad to stop bothering too? Poor kid

Dunrobin · 04/05/2022 19:46

I'd say you ARE helping already. You're already giving up three nights of the week by committing to being at home with your other DC so that DH can drive DSS. That's three nights you can't ever go to the gym, meet a friend, join a choir, or generally do anything for yourself. If you didn't agree to that, DSS wouldn't be able to do his hobby. I agree that DH should be asking DSS's mum to help with the driving rather than you.

ArtetasSmoothBallsack · 04/05/2022 19:47

If DSC's mother rarely does it then fuck off should you have to.

Why doesn't he ask her?

Darbs76 · 04/05/2022 19:48

DS2 did football (still does but he’s nearly 18 now and takes himself) and yes it does take over. I’d probably agree once a week, have a browse of your phone or go for a walk whilst he’s there and your DH gets the kids bathed and fed. I’d be quite happy to do it once a week in exchange for DH doing the home stuff. Doesn’t sound like his mums pulling her weight. If you don’t want to I don’t think you’re being unreasonable; that’s just what I’d agree for a break from the drudgery of dinner, bath and bed!

whumpthereitis · 04/05/2022 19:48

OP hasn’t said he should stop bothering, or that he has to discontinue his hobby. She’s left it entirely up to his actual parent to decide what to do going forward.

ancientgran · 04/05/2022 19:49

Lift sharing is definitely a good idea. I always did it with mine, I had 4 with various interests and I just couldn't have managed it all without lift sharing.

KatherineofGaunt · 04/05/2022 19:50

Does DSS's mum have a partner? Perhaps it can be split one night his mum, the next night your DH, then the third night take it in turns mum's household/ your household. Then you could take a turn every two weeks. And your DH would only be doing it once a week.

It might be fairer. I'm all for you helping out, but not if it means your DSS's mum can just not even volunteer to help out with her own child's activity.

Musicalmaestro · 04/05/2022 19:51

Does your DH get out of his car to watch the match? If he chatted to the other parents he may find someone happy to lift share and take turns.
It’s what I used to do.

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 04/05/2022 19:51

ArtetasSmoothBallsack · 04/05/2022 19:47

If DSC's mother rarely does it then fuck off should you have to.

Why doesn't he ask her?

It's not a race to the bottom.

What that woman does, or how poor a parent she is, should have no impact on the type of family home the OP wants to live in and the blended nature of that family.

You're wither a blended family where you all take turns with each task to give each other a break/change of scenery. Or you're "his kid" and "our real family".

I know who I'd want to be.

SockFluffInTheBath · 04/05/2022 19:54

YANBU on the basis of other threads on here give a sense of impending doom that it will gradually shift solely to you. DH will be running late at work, he won’t have petrol, he’ll have something he needs to get done for the morning…

Phobiaphobic · 04/05/2022 19:55

Women, always put your own needs last. Definitely behind those of any child, even if their own mother can't be arsed to look after them. Otherwise you're selfish and horrible, and of course your feelings don't matter.

OP, you're being completely reasonable. This is a problem for the child's natural mother and father to sort out.

ivykaty44 · 04/05/2022 19:58

With the other parent rarely doing their share its putting a strain on your own dc and family life

Not sure why the op is getting so much flak for not wanting to step up whilst the other parent rarely does a lift to sports practice.

couldn't the parents do one week each? or every other time