To tell him I'm not doing this!

[AnnoyingHobby]

My husband's child from his previous relationship does a hobby 3 nights a week. Frankly it's a massive pain in the backside as it messes up tea time etc.. for everyone else but I've just let DH get on with it in terms of ferrying to and fro.

My husband hates having to do this as well. But feels like as his child enjoys this hobby they should be allowed to go.

This is where my AIBU has come in. He has been asking for a while whether we can share the load a bit with the running around. It means for both of us, coming home from work quickly getting dressed then straight back out, waiting around for an hour and a half then back for a late tea, everyone else will have already had theirs and be part way through bath and bed routine by the time the other gets home.

DH is getting fed up of the rush 3 nights a week after work and missing that time having tea / bath / bed with us and other DC.

I've said it's up to him whether continuing with this level of activities during the week is doable for him but I'm not getting involved as to be perfectly honest I just cannot be arsed with the messing around or losing out on those evenings at home with other DC.

AIBU to say it's his issue and he either continues to do it or thinks about whether it's feasible for his child to continue with this much every week?

I wouldn't do it at all. It would be my worst nightmare having to sit around for hour and half waiting after working all day then having to see to other DC (which she will). If DH wants his child to do the hobby then either he takes him or car shares with another family. But that would require him to get out of his car and talk to others and if he wont even do that... 🙄

I could stand the taxi driving but not the hanging around for 1 1/2 hours.
Is that absolutely necessary? Can’t you shop in the time, or go home and other parent collects him? Or share a lift with another parent?

Not your child = not your problem. Your step child’s parents can sort it. Im sure your husband wants you to take over the boring donkey work. Does he do boring tasks you are meant to do but don’t want to?

Only on MN would it be expected for a step mother to not see her own children for several hours, to facilitate a step child whose father can't be arsed to follow through on an extra curricular activity HE has agreed to,......and a birth mother who refuses to be involved at all.

Absolute batshit.

I wouldn't entertain it and I would be looking hard at the man who I married.

He sounds like an lazy parent who wants to dump HIS obligations on the poor unfortunate OP, who was naive enough to not see what she was getting into with this non prize and his ex...both reluctant to just get on with parenting their child.

OP, put YOUR child first after working full-time, and tell him sort it with his ex......don't be rushing into having more children, you are already carrying the majority load here.

Something tells me DH won’t be running around 3 times a week to facilitate this activity for his younger kids.

OP, it’s not your job to help assuage any guilt DH may be feeling over his DS.

You are doing more than enough managing the younger kids at home after working full time out of the house. DH should be thankful for that instead of trying to palm more responsibility for the choices he made on to you.

Thank goodness my DH is more accepting and willing when it comes to my DDs hobbies. She lives with us predominantly but does she get dad and ever since he moved in he’s happily been involved with all aspects. I made it clear when we had DS together that they would need to be treated exactly the same as I simply wouldn’t put up with her feeling like she’s any different.

He May not see it now but he will as soon as he sees your DC start hobbies and you happily drive them there and wonder why he is different.

All of which is up to his father to figure out, not OP.

The father isn’t proposing making his child withdraw from the activity, he’s just pissed off with having to follow through on a commitment he chose to make. It’s up to him to suck it up. After all, ‘that’s parenting’.

If he’s too young to get the bus I’m assuming he’s primarily school age in which case I think 3 nights a week for a single hobby is excessive.

Oh I feel your pain! Try having 2 SC with hobbies 4 nights a week and both weekend mornings 👍🏻

I don't take them, I don't get involved... I just moan heavily about never seeing my DP or the DSC or no one seeing our DC because no one is ever home but me! He never got a say in them doing these activities but is expected to use time and fuel to ferry them 30 minutes there and back and the hour long wait (oh and don't forget 2 of the 4 days are double activities!)

On top of that, they miss homework when at mums, they never read like they're supposed to at mums, they're below standard at school but in their activities they're pros... they're not mums just a fucking idiot. We miss dinners, we miss quality time, the kids are fucking nackered... oh the list is endless! All to play abit of sport and wrap a leg round your head that neither of them will probably do in 5 years time when they're at big school with their mates 😊

So yeah, I feel your pain. Stand your ground 😊

Agree with phobiaphobic- the kids mum can't be bothered to take him at all, his dad can't take the initiative despite being there 3 times a week to chat to the other parents to try and organise what could be the best resolution (lift sharing), but it's the stepmother who had no impact on the choice of activity and presumably already spends a lot of time actively caring for the child who should be bending over backwards to make everything easier for everyone else.

While I would agree with others that I'd actually quite like a nice hour on my own to chill,you've explained you don't want to do that and would rsther be at home with your dc, which is all you need to say- it's irrelevant that others might like it. It wouldn't be a hardship for them/me,it would for you so it's fine to say no!

If it’s 3 nights a week his bio mum should be helping out , not you

You mean his mum

I always find it hilarious when people tell the OP that she should treat her DSS the same as she would her own children, but not a word is said about the DSS's actual mom who can't be arsed.

Are you reading a different thread? Lots of people have mentioned the child’s mother.

While I would agree with others that I'd actually quite like a nice hour on my own to chill,you've explained you don't want to do that and would rsther be at home with your dc, which is all you need to say- it's irrelevant that others might like it. It wouldn't be a hardship for them/me,it would for you so it's fine to say no!

I agree with this. I might agree every once in a while to do it, just to take the pressure off, but I wouldn’t agree to regularly share the load at the expense of time with my children.

His kid his problem. He can share the ‘bind’ with the mother not you.

Possibly this ^ if your DH helps out at home whilst your doing it.

@DogWithMyOwnRoom I made my comment based on the DH’s reasons for wanting OP to step in. “It’s all a bit much”, and “To give him a break.” This does not sound like a bloke that’s realised that a shitload of stuff is happening while he’s sitting in his bum in the car. He thinks he’s getting some “me time.”

Yanbu.

Some families are 'do all the things' kinds of families.

Some aren't. That's perfectly good too.

We always prioritised family time at home in the evenings and so activities had to be seriously worth it to interfere with that. At the moment we only have 1 evening activity, for my teens, AND we lift share...

DSS's mum should be the first port of call, she should at least be doing the lifts when he's staying with her.

Your DH might find that if he actually got out of his car, chatted to other parents and pitched in where needed, he might a) enjoy it more and b) find carpooling options. I met my partner and some of my dearest friends through shared kids' sports.

It would nice if you, and his siblings, made it to the occasional match though.

My dh would do it for my son. I would too. I feel sorry for the kid really. Three adults and none of them can be fucked.

@whumpthereitis oh totally agree, his mother can step up imo, or I would explain to him that he is not going three times a week, and why.
I think arranging a lift share is the simplest way to go though.

My dh would do it for my son. I would too. I feel sorry for the kid really. Three adults and none of them can be fucked.

Thats a very edited view of the actual story. There is a mother who we don’t know has been asked to share the load, a father who is finding it difficult to do it three times a week but is still doing it whatever and a step mum who has two other young children to feed, bathe and put to bed at that time.

I'd be curious to know what the hobby was to see how frivolous (for lack of a better word) it is, but without knowing that maybe you could do the lifts once a month as a show of good faith?

I do think when you marry someone who has youngish kids you make a choice to take on a degree of responsbility for them, and at a certain age that does unfortunately mean a shitload of ferrying.

I do think when you marry someone who has youngish kids you make a choice to take on a degree of responsbility for them, and at a certain age that does unfortunately mean a shitload of ferrying

I think the thing that bugs me with this is that every other child seems to manage fine with two and in some cases even one parent. I didn't have a third parent ferrying me about places or taking me to school or making my dinner or looking after my whilst my parents worked or any of the other number of things people expect of step parents. Miraculously my parents actually managed to do that themselves between them and if they couldn't then I didn't do whatever activity it was.

I don't see why when the child in question is a step child, suddenly they need 3, even 4, people running about doing everything for them because their two parents can't possibly be expected to do it themselves like everyone else.

Surprisingly all of these parents seemed to manage just fine before they met their now partners or spouses!

I don't exist so my husband and his ex can parent their own child less. I don't agree that it's 'fair that the 3 adults do one night each'. What would be fair is his parents sorting it between them like every other child's parents manage to do.

It would nice if you, and his siblings, made it to the occasional match though.

Sorry but I couldn't think of anything worse then dragging young kids to watch a match they have no interest in 🤣

I do think when you marry someone who has youngish kids you make a choice to take on a degree of responsbility for them, and at a certain age that does unfortunately mean a shitload of ferrying

The OP is doing her partner a favour by looking after the other kids and feeding them.

If her partner was single, he'd have to take all the kids with him and feed them while they waited for the oldest. She is making his life easier in that he just has to worry about the oldest.

If I had the choice I'd be at home with the other kids and would only do the ferrying in extreme circumstances like partner having a broken leg so being unable to drive.

Has he considered taking a packed dinner with him?

My DC will only have two parents arranging and doing things for them. I don't have some third person I can expect to 'share the load with'. I'm assuming my step sons mum wont be taking our DC to practice. Me and their dad will arrange things for them. If my step sons mum doesn't want to do the same for him then it's not really any business of mine how she decides to split her parenting with DH.