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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell him I'm not doing this!

201 replies

AnnoyingHobby · 04/05/2022 18:33

My husband's child from his previous relationship does a hobby 3 nights a week. Frankly it's a massive pain in the backside as it messes up tea time etc.. for everyone else but I've just let DH get on with it in terms of ferrying to and fro.

My husband hates having to do this as well. But feels like as his child enjoys this hobby they should be allowed to go.

This is where my AIBU has come in. He has been asking for a while whether we can share the load a bit with the running around. It means for both of us, coming home from work quickly getting dressed then straight back out, waiting around for an hour and a half then back for a late tea, everyone else will have already had theirs and be part way through bath and bed routine by the time the other gets home.

DH is getting fed up of the rush 3 nights a week after work and missing that time having tea / bath / bed with us and other DC.

I've said it's up to him whether continuing with this level of activities during the week is doable for him but I'm not getting involved as to be perfectly honest I just cannot be arsed with the messing around or losing out on those evenings at home with other DC.

AIBU to say it's his issue and he either continues to do it or thinks about whether it's feasible for his child to continue with this much every week?

OP posts:
edwinbear · 04/05/2022 20:28

YANBU OP, you work, you have other DC to look after, you weren’t involved in the decision making process to take up this pretty big commitment. My DC do lots of sports and have things on most evenings - netball at 7pm on a Sunday evening was particularly miserable. But, DS is now Y8 and can/does get himself to/from some of his stuff, which makes it bearable. How much longer have you got until DSS could conceivably get himself either there or back at least? There’s a difference between sucking it up for a year vs 3 yrs.

ThinkForAMinute · 04/05/2022 20:28

I don't think you are being unreasonable but I would probably offer to do one night on the understanding that his Mum did one night as well.

Original poster
AnnoyingHobby · 04/05/2022 20:29

He's 9 so quite a while!

OP posts:
Cliftontherocks · 04/05/2022 20:29

For me this is a no. The other DC will
suffer. There Dad has 4 days a week at home. I like your husbands thinking that driving and waiting are the same or more tiring then cooking tea, doing homework, housework etc on your own 3 times a week is hogwash!

he wants you to ferry him and then he sits at home - what is he doing on the other 4 days? For me I’d say nope it’s not feasible. dS drops it or DH sucks it up - it wasn’t your choice and you are being a lone parents x3 times a week which is hard on you.

Apricote · 04/05/2022 20:30

Where is the stepchild's mother in all of this? You mention DH's mum (his mum), but are not clear.

She obviously means the dss's mum, don't be disingenuous.

Blackbird2020 · 04/05/2022 20:31

I've said it's up to him whether continuing with this level of activities during the week is doable for him but I'm not getting involved as to be perfectly honest I just cannot be arsed with the messing around or losing out on those evenings at home with other DC

OP - I take it that you’ve posted on AIBU because he didn’t take it very well. What was his response?

Noisyprat · 04/05/2022 20:35

Agree with others, he just doesn't want to sit around and wait. However he doesn't have to. He could ask his ex, if she says no and therefore his son can't do the activity then he can say that his mum wouldn't support it. He could do something useful during those 1.5 hours - go for a run, get the food shop in, he could even offer to coach.

I'm with you OP, I'm afraid I would not start doing this and if you do I'm willing to bet your DP uses the time to sit around watching tv. Does he share the load with you on household stuff?

MeridianB · 04/05/2022 20:35

Dunrobin · 04/05/2022 19:46

I'd say you ARE helping already. You're already giving up three nights of the week by committing to being at home with your other DC so that DH can drive DSS. That's three nights you can't ever go to the gym, meet a friend, join a choir, or generally do anything for yourself. If you didn't agree to that, DSS wouldn't be able to do his hobby. I agree that DH should be asking DSS's mum to help with the driving rather than you.

This.

DH’s first call should be to the mother.

if this was a mum running around three nights a week because the dad opted out, there would rightly be outrage. It’s not different for the mum. Regardless of whether it fits with her contact time, she could at least do one night.

OP, it’s totally understandable that you don’t want to do this. Don’t feel bad about saying no.

Beautiful3 · 04/05/2022 20:36

No I wouldn't be doing that three nights after school a week, when I ahve another child to consider. That's for the dad and mum to sort out. I think if it's too much for him, then he needs to think about scaling it back to once a week instead.

Hugsssssss · 04/05/2022 20:42

You are unreasonable @AnnoyingHobby

Every time you wonder if you are being unreasonable remove the word “step” from child. You knew about his child ans you accepted him and the child when you got married. If you would do this for your son you should for your step child. The child isn’t an inconvenience and shouldn’t feel that way. Share the load - it’s a family you are part of!

Original poster
AnnoyingHobby · 04/05/2022 20:45

If you would do this for your son you should for your step child

Okay so do I get to also decide he has to stop doing it if it's unfeasible for the rest of the family, like I could my own child?

OP posts:
Lesperance · 04/05/2022 20:47

Hugsssssss · 04/05/2022 20:42

You are unreasonable @AnnoyingHobby

Every time you wonder if you are being unreasonable remove the word “step” from child. You knew about his child ans you accepted him and the child when you got married. If you would do this for your son you should for your step child. The child isn’t an inconvenience and shouldn’t feel that way. Share the load - it’s a family you are part of!

She is sharing. She is taking care of the other children, isn't she?

LoveInSlowMotion · 04/05/2022 20:49

I don’t think you have to do it, but if I were you, I’d encourage your husband to do it for the sake of his child. I’d stop all the negative talk about it being disruptive from you and your husband. He has the other 4 days to do dinner, bath and bed routine so I think he needs to just get on with it. He’s not doing anything different to a lot of other parents so needs to suck it up.

ineedsun · 04/05/2022 20:49

I take on board what people are saying but I would do it and if the situation were reversed I’d be a bit pissed off at DH for refusing to do it.

For me I’ve always felt like the step kids are my kids (but recognise that I’m not their mum) and I treated them accordingly.

BronwenFrideswide · 04/05/2022 20:49

You missed a bit off your unreasonable admonishment of the OP @Hugsssssss :

But don't think you have any say in or opinion on anything your step son does that requires your involvement at that point the word step becomes paramount and as you are not the real parent it is nothing to do with you

You are not unreasonable in the slightest OP.

ProudThrilledHappy · 04/05/2022 20:54

I’m afraid if I were working full time I wouldn’t give up precious time with my own young DC so I could ferry another persons child to an activity.
The OPs DSS has two parents who can get enjoyment from observing him participate, I don’t think I could really enjoy watching another person’s DC do an activity I have no say in while knowing my own DC are at home without me. Maybe that makes me a terrible person, I don’t have step children though so maybe if I did have them I might think differently.

ProudThrilledHappy · 04/05/2022 20:56

Also to point out that by taking full responsibility for the dinner and bath time, op is already facilitating her DPs individual contact time with his DS, and the child would probably far prefer his dad doing the drop offs than step parent

me4real · 04/05/2022 20:57

I'm not a mum but don't a lot of children do some sort of after school or weekend thing, usually of various kinds, a few times a week?

I don't think this level of activities is massively unusual.

Having said that @AnnoyingHobby , it's not your responsibility really, especially as his mum could do it sometimes.

GregoryFluff · 04/05/2022 21:00

Dunrobin · 04/05/2022 19:46

I'd say you ARE helping already. You're already giving up three nights of the week by committing to being at home with your other DC so that DH can drive DSS. That's three nights you can't ever go to the gym, meet a friend, join a choir, or generally do anything for yourself. If you didn't agree to that, DSS wouldn't be able to do his hobby. I agree that DH should be asking DSS's mum to help with the driving rather than you.

Totally agree

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 04/05/2022 21:00

I’m with you op. This is too much, the parents need to agree if this is an acceptable amount of time and then step up. It’s not your place to do it so he can sit at home.

In this I’d say no too.

Original poster
AnnoyingHobby · 04/05/2022 21:01

I’m afraid if I were working full time I wouldn’t give up precious time with my own young DC

This is how I feel. I don't see it as a break. I see it as yet more time I'm losing with my own DC who I already feel like I don't see enough due to working all week!

OP posts:
ystaberia · 04/05/2022 21:11

Dad needs to talk to other parents and sort lift sharing. WhatsApp is great for confirming plans for who is dropping off / picking up. If he tells the coaches he is struggling and considering reducing attendance they may be able to put him in touch with parents doing similar journeys. Having a small group you regularly share lifts with makes all the difference when your child does multiple classes a week.

Riverlee · 04/05/2022 21:12

Can you do once a week, or share lifts with other parents?

HiJenny35 · 04/05/2022 21:14

It's not your responsibilityso no you don't have to but when you have a relationship with someone with children there's an acceptance that it comes with some additional work. No I wouldn't be willing to do it every week but I'd offer to do one every other week or offer to do one drop off a week and drive home so partner can stay home till 30 mins before collection. At the end of the day you are meant to be a partnership working together for the best for everyone including your children's step brother.

mbosnz · 04/05/2022 21:17

But she is doing additional work. She's doing sole charge of their two children for the bath/dinner/bed show, enabling him to enable his son's hobby. Where is it written that she should do whichever additional work he wants her to do, rather than her saying, 'okay, I'm happy to facilitate you to ensure your son gets to enjoy his hobby, but in this way, not that way'? Why does it all have to be on his terms?