To tell him I'm not doing this!

[AnnoyingHobby]

My husband's child from his previous relationship does a hobby 3 nights a week. Frankly it's a massive pain in the backside as it messes up tea time etc.. for everyone else but I've just let DH get on with it in terms of ferrying to and fro.

My husband hates having to do this as well. But feels like as his child enjoys this hobby they should be allowed to go.

This is where my AIBU has come in. He has been asking for a while whether we can share the load a bit with the running around. It means for both of us, coming home from work quickly getting dressed then straight back out, waiting around for an hour and a half then back for a late tea, everyone else will have already had theirs and be part way through bath and bed routine by the time the other gets home.

DH is getting fed up of the rush 3 nights a week after work and missing that time having tea / bath / bed with us and other DC.

I've said it's up to him whether continuing with this level of activities during the week is doable for him but I'm not getting involved as to be perfectly honest I just cannot be arsed with the messing around or losing out on those evenings at home with other DC.

AIBU to say it's his issue and he either continues to do it or thinks about whether it's feasible for his child to continue with this much every week?

YANBU to refuse - but it would be a NICE thing to do for both your DH and your DSS to offer to take him once per week, or even once per fortnight?. I agree with others that you are treating him (and his hobby) differently to how you plan to treat your own DCs when older.

But I also believe that own mum should be asked (strongly) to help too.
And that DH should also ask around for other parents to lift share. You don’t necessarily need to be chatty with other parents to facilitate this - ask the coach/organisers to put you in touch with other families who live in your direction

We have a friend who chose to have one child so they could really focus on them. We have other friends with five and seven children who provide a loving home, but cannot ferry them all to endless activities, so the kids have to make their own entertainment and make the most of what is available at school. We are in the middle. We are willing to take our children to things a few times a week between them, so once a week each. It is important you don't give your step child opportunities you would not be willing to give the others. However, the routine is there, so I think you need to be firm about not getting involved and insist that his mother pulls her weight more and shares the load.

I think it being a step dc is a red herring. This is a massive commitment for a 9yo. I know others happily do this for their dc but I wouldn't. I have a full on job so can't do endless activities (we do enough). It has to be convenient for the family.

Ds does football which dh takes him to. Its one practice plus a match. I've avoided putting ds2 up for the same as I haven't got the time or the energy to do this too. I wouldn't chose a sport that requires so much time commitment. Next year I hope we can sort out ds2 football.

We do the following in the week:
dh takes ds1 football takes about 1.5 h Inc travel and means late night.
Ds1 has coding, online.
i take to both boys to Boys brigade. quick tea and close by. I drop and run and get nearly 1.5hrs to myself to work. It still messes up bed time!!
One night dh has a nightmare taking ds1 to music, then both to swimming, then ds1 to scouts with shared collection with other parents at 9 and all activities nearby.
Then dh takes ds1 to the match on Saturday.

Thus is exhausting enough. No way would I be carving out 4.5 hours a week to run to activities. Mind you there's at least that time above but its mainly 3 or more hours of football and not so much other stuff.

I've gotta say - has anyone here ever heard someone say to a man 'of course, you're not being unreasonable, but wouldn't it be nice for you to do x, when you're already doing y, to facilitate them being able to do something - whether it's for their child or themselves'? Or is it just women who should be absolutely fucking gagging to yet again, prove how nice they are?

I'd be hesitant to do that much running about for my own child if I had other small children at home. 3x a week is a fucking lot.

I voted you're being unreasonable, not because you should be responsible esp if his DM doesn't chip in - wtf, why, how has tgat even been acceptable? - but because you draw a distinct line between what you will do for your child versus your step child.

If you had a child and your DPp refused to help out with your child, they'd be unreasonable, right?

Put simply, when you marry someone, you take on their family too. I really don't like tge attitude that pits children against each other it's not appropriate.

However, I do not think you should be shouldering this without his DM contributing. 3 evenings, 3 adults, one session each sounds reasonable to me. If you could use the time to do a chore, like shop, then it's not wasted time either. Missing one dinner a week isn't a big hardship.

Yanbu op, not your responsibility.
Plus your reasons for not wanting to are valid.

That aside....if you think 3x a week for a hobby is a lot, don't let your kids gets in to swimming, gymnastics, dance, there's probably others. 3x a week doesn't touch the surface. On the contrary, for me an hour after school exercise daily is non-negotiable. Mind, they don't take up 2.5 hours so maybe I'd rethink if they did.

Another aside...his 'waiting' is quite odd imo. Do something! You have an hour a half of glorious free time. I get that you'd prefer to be at home with your other dc, but he's not, so, use it!

Another aside...my dc do between them 10 activities a week. There's not one that I don't lift share for. I can't imagine a scenario where that wouldn't be sorted out.

I always find it hilarious when people tell the OP that she should treat her DSS the same as she would her own children, but not a word is said about the DSS's actual mom who can't be arsed.

OP, you are SO not being unreasonable. Tell your DH that you understand it's a big commitment but you can't do it.

I feel like it's a slippery slope tbh - it would start out as once a week, then stuff would come up and it's twice a week, and then before OP knows it she's doing all of it. Thanks but no thanks.

OP, I may have missed it as it’s quite a long thread but I don’t think you’ve said how you split the time with DSCs mum?

I ask because if he’s with you a lot, or lives with you, and is treated as an equal to your own DCs then of course it’s right that you give a lift here and there, but if it’s more that he’s a visitor to his dad then it’s up to DH to deal with this and let you focus on your own family.

I was always in a blended family scenario and it felt quite cold when the stepparent made it clear the DC was nothing to do with them. In a different dynamic it could have been more like ‘we’re going to dads and he has another family’.

Basically, is your house their main home? I think that makes a difference.

You're correct to not get involved. If your dss has a mother capable of driving him to his hobby its up to your dh to ask her to do her share or is there a reason he's not asking? The fact that the child spends more time with you is irrelevant, his mother could drop him at your house after the activity if necessary. You didn't sign him up for 3 evenings and you can't decide he doesn't go so why should you give up your evenings? If I truly felt dh was 'suffering' I might agree to do one trip a month provided he arranged either his ex or another team member parent to do another evening just so he has to put the effort into finding a solution other than making you feel guilty, I find some men use guilt as a very effective method of getting their own way.

@mbosnz - I was one of the people who said that. Yes, I think it is something that is said to men too. My DH’s DM and DF would say it to him, they are really family orientated. Again, they would do anything for my DC, despite not actually being related to them, and they treat them in the same way they do their one grandchildren. Maybe why DH has the attitude he has to having step-children.

I think to live with a step-child but to make such a distinction, as the OP has, between the step-child and my own DC is sad. The child must pick up on it. If OP took him, just one night a week, then it could be good for their relationship too.

The step-child’s mother might not be stepping up as much as she could - but that is not the fault of the child. If anything, it means he needs more love and support from the two adults he is living with (although the contact time here is unclear) not to feel separate.

Personally, I would do it once per week, and use the time to my advantage, doing something I wouldn't make time for otherwise - e.g. go for a swim or to the gym, or read a book.

In a few years I would maybe take the other child too - I have very fond memories of sitting in the car with my mum sharing a sneaky bag of chips and chatting every week while my brother was at an activity.

If you didn't agree to the activity though, I can see why you don't want to share the load.

Being a sport, isn't this just a seasonal thing, once the season is over, that is it for the year?

I'm a single parent and the whole running around to various clubs a few nights a week and at least most of Saturday is parenting. I did it for years.

If he doesn't want to do it he needs to cut it back not expect you to share the load.

3 nights a week running around is fine, it leaves 4 nights everyone is home. I’d help out for the sake of the child getting to enjoy his hobby and exercise for him. could a grandparent help one evening or see if we could lift share with other families. Most families don’t require everyone to be home at the same time for dinner 7 night a week!

Why can't the mum have her on some of the nights she does her hobby. X

Of course it goes both ways. What in the world would make you think it doesn’t?

3x week is a lot. If this was your child, you could have decided not to let them do it because it affects family life too much. He's not your child, you have no say in his upbringing or hobbies therefore you should carry none of the responsibility. Your DH needs to be a parent and decide to 1) stop them doing the sport or 2) suck it up and keep going.

No, you work FT, evenings are for your own children, your DSC has 2 parents and you're not one of them 💐

I think you’d be mad to agree to this. I’m also surprised you haven’t mentioned how you feel about DH also being out three nights a week as well as DSS without discussing the impact of this with you. I would resent that also.
Is he equally involved in his other kid’s lives? What’s he going to do when they get bigger and have hobbies? Is that all going to be on you because you weren’t prepared to ease HIS responsibility? (Don’t let him get away with that one…) His other kids are his responsibility too.
What would he do if you did take the kid to the hobby? Would he prepare a lovely meal for you and DSS? Make sure the other kids are bathed, fed and all the cleaning up done? Unlikely… He’d on his bum on his phone and wait for you to come home. He’d expect a meal to reheat and you to have pre-prepared everything for the little ones. You’d come back to feral kids and a mess.
This is where helping out is absolutely a no-win for you.

What would he do if you did take the kid to the hobby? Would he prepare a lovely meal for you and DSS? Make sure the other kids are bathed, fed and all the cleaning up done? Unlikely… He’d on his bum on his phone and wait for you to come home. He’d expect a meal to reheat and you to have pre-prepared everything for the little ones. You’d come back to feral kids and a mess.

woah!
big assumption there… very unfair!
(guessing you married a lazy one then?)

It's a massive commitment, 3x a week. I would think very carefully before allowing either of my dc to do that - it impacts on the parents a lot. You are not stopping him going, just not doing the ferrying. You are facilitating it by looking after the rest of the dc so your DP doesn't have to ferry them around too!

I agree your DP can look into sharing lifts as a way of sharing the load, or getting the DM to commit on a regular basis.

I think the big difference between the DSS and the OPs own kids is that she will have input in the decision making about her own kids activities, bearing in mind the logistics etc. She has had no input at all with DSS doing this activity but is expected to facilitate it because her husband doesnt want to do it anymore.

If he wants to share the load then he ought to share the decision making too.

As a LP I make decisions on what clubs etc the kids did because ultimately its on me, if I was to live with someone again then I wouldnt expect them to step up to facilitate a decision I made prior to being with him. If they offered that would be one thing, and the odd emergency is fine, but I wouldnt ask what the DH is asking of the OP.

You don't sound like much of a team or a blended family.

If the roles were reversed I bet you would be a bit pissed off if your DH made the distinction between the children and refused to help out with his DSC at all.

You could do one day a week, for the sake of the relationship with the child if nothing else, as they will remember your reluctance.

YABU

Either:

Dad shares lifts with other parents
The mum needs to step up
Dad does it all

indulging hobbies is what we do for our DC. You need to spend time with your own DC.