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AIBU?

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Original poster

Why are all my friends talking about the menopause??

367 replies

MrsJasonSudeikis · 04/05/2022 12:15

Ok - I truly hope I don't offend anyone with this thread and I am fully aware that many women suffer with symptoms of the menopause. I know this is probably my own stuff/issues but where better to share/rant than than on AIBU??

I am 47 and a mother of 3 kids (14 and twins aged 11). I feel much more energetic now that my kids are older. I enjoy my job (meaningful) and have recently started back playing tennis and going to gigs/comedy gigs when we can with my husband. We have a really happy marriage (of course not perfect) and a great sex life! I would say we are having better sex than ever and I feel really at peace with my body and looks (although I looked great in my 20s but I never 'felt' it!) Life is pretty good and I don't wish to come across as the 'i'm alright jack' kind of person but almost everyone in my circle (some friends - not all have gone to the dark side!), work colleagues constantly talk about ageing, and being an older woman and the menopause in a really negative way and it it driving me crazy!! Life book the nursing home already!!?

They speak in the collective 'we' and this is not my experience at all! My energy (and I have to say sex drive) is much higher than it was!! I got my FSH levels checked and they are at 5 so I suspect I am not in menopause yet. My mother and sisters were the same (mid 50s more like). I totally understand that it is good to speak honestly about menopause and ageing but where are the positive role models and stories?? I know we have Emily in Paris (lol!) etc but I am really feeling so triggered and a bit angry about it that I honestly feel like I will start to not have anything in common with my cohort/circles!

Am I in complete denial? Is it ok to name this? After 2 years of a pandemic, I want to surround myself with people of energy and youth and I know this sounds awful selfish!! I can be anxious at times (did during pandemic) but I am making a conscious decision to live my best life! The menopause also seems to be a reason and almost a personality trait for some women and the cause of all their woes which also annoys me!! I always found the lack of exercise and the tanking a bottle of wine a night (in past) was what was that caused anxiety for me much more. Not hormones.

End of rant and just saying - I am much more sympathetic IRL but I need to get this off my chest and wonder does anyone else out there feel like me??

OP posts:
Howeverdoyouneedme · 04/05/2022 12:22

I’m very interested to see what answers you get, as I both recognise what you’re describing, but also think that if you’re not ‘in’ the menopause then how can you know how they feel?

skilpadde · 04/05/2022 12:23

So you got your FSH levels checked, suspect you're not menopausal, have no menopausal symptoms, but are unhappy about your friends who have menopausal symptoms and are talking about them?

You can't relate to what they're going through... good for you! Do you want them to shut up about it in general, or just not talk about it when they're near you?

skilpadde · 04/05/2022 12:25

You've made a conscious decision to live your best life... do you think your friends have made a decision not to? You seem to hold your friends in contempt.

ReeseWitherfork · 04/05/2022 12:28

Sorry, I voted YABU. Unfortunately it’s what they’re going through and if it frustrates you and you can’t relate then you’re probably best distancing yourself. I can’t see they’re doing anything wrong.

KirstenBlest · 04/05/2022 12:28

Everybody is talking about it, or so it seems.
It might be different for others but I didn't have any problems.
Not sure if all the talk really helps women.

jytdtysrht · 04/05/2022 12:28

Perhaps it’s because menopause is a bit of a wrecker for some of us - physical and mental health, sleep trouble, weight gain and more.

Coldnoseandtoes · 04/05/2022 12:29

It's perfectly OK to say you can't relate to what your friends are experiencing. You're not wrong, and neither are they to speak about how they're feeling.

Honaloulou · 04/05/2022 12:29

They are talking about it because they are affected by it.

But if you only want to 'surround yourself with people of energy and youth' you can of course ditch your old friends when they're having a tough time.

It would make you an arsehole, though.

Robin233 · 04/05/2022 12:30

You're not menopausal.

TooManyPJs · 04/05/2022 12:30

Well bully for you.

That is not many many many womens experience of peri and menopause abc for far too bloody long it's been ignored and not talked about. Some womens symptoms are so bad they are having to stop work and they are struggling to function.

It's about bloody time this is being talked about openly. Hopefully it leads to changes with the medical treatment/options for women and for changes to employment practices.

ZenKaleidoscope · 04/05/2022 12:31

Have you had your empathy levels checked though?

Topgub · 04/05/2022 12:32

You don't sound like a great friend tbh.

PurpleDaisies · 04/05/2022 12:32

I can be anxious at times (did during pandemic) but I am making a conscious decision to live my best life!
Good to know that’s how to overcome anxiety.

I always found the lack of exercise and the tanking a bottle of wine a night (in past) was what was that caused anxiety for me much more. Not hormones.

Lucky you. You understand that other women are different? Hormones are a bloody nightmare for me and my mood and that’s with plenty of exercise and practically no alcohol.

You are really not coming across well here.

namechange30455 · 04/05/2022 12:32

Isn't it just a bit like when everyone in your circle starts having babies there's a lot of talk about babies? It's a life stage people are going through and you're feeling a bit left behind because you're not in it yet. Not sure what you are "triggered" about.

All the stuff about how great you feel at 47 not yet in the menopause is somewhat irrelevant.

mistermagpie · 04/05/2022 12:33

skilpadde · 04/05/2022 12:23

So you got your FSH levels checked, suspect you're not menopausal, have no menopausal symptoms, but are unhappy about your friends who have menopausal symptoms and are talking about them?

You can't relate to what they're going through... good for you! Do you want them to shut up about it in general, or just not talk about it when they're near you?

This really...

It comes across like you think you are better than your friends or that you're judging them for being, well, different to you. Which shouldn't actually come as a massive shock.

You're not in menopause and have no peri symptoms - so you're not talking about it. Your friends are/do and so they are talking about it. The problem is that you don't want to listen. So actually, in my opinion, that makes you the issue here, not them. Surely a friend should be able to at least try to empathise or show a bit of understanding, even if they themselves aren't going through the exact same thing?

TheVolturi · 04/05/2022 12:33

When it hits you op, which it will, I hope your friends who will be on the other side of it then, will still be around to listen to you.

Bagelsandbrie · 04/05/2022 12:34

If you’re not menopausal you literally have no idea what you’re talking about. Come back and talk to us when it hits you. You may be one of the lucky ones and have no issues at all but the vast majority of women do suffer in one way or another and it’s absolutely vital people are openly talking about it more.

puddingandsun · 04/05/2022 12:35

Good for you!
I understand completely. I want to be you. Hehe.
I'm younger but feel so worn out and lack energy and I'm often miserable these days. But trying not to moan too much. Lol.

RichardsGear · 04/05/2022 12:35

Well, find some new friends who are equally as exuberant, sexy and fabulous as yourself? You sound a bit like a parent who has a really easy, compliant child who sleeps 12 hours a night having a dig at frazzled parents with devil children non-sleeping, challenging offspring whose lives are completely different to your own.

I see that it must be a bit tedious for you but many women at this stage of their lives are pissed off!

lassof · 04/05/2022 12:36

There was a really cool stage just before peri set in when I felt like you. I think my hormones were giving one last push. There's articles written about parts of it eg sex surge. I haven't actually found my perimenopause to be an issue, because I take hrt, but I do look back fondly on that period as well. It's great that you feel so well, enjoy!

Neverreturntoathread · 04/05/2022 12:37

You’ve been incredibly lucky. Being a middle-aged woman sucks in many mant ways, it’s just happening to you later. That makes you lucky and means you no longer fit in with your friends. Get some younger friends maybe.

The fact that you now find your friends annoying, instead of appreciating how very randomly lucky you have been, is quite rude and disrespectful. It’s like a mum witb a healthy baby that sleeps a lot, handing out smug advice to all the mums with babies who struggle with sleep / disabilities / SEN.

No one likes a smug person. Maybe go and gloat somewhere else, or… And I know this will shock you 😱😱 maybe don’t gloat at all.

nearlyspringyay · 04/05/2022 12:38

Well I hope your friends get pissed off at you when you start banging on about menopause when it happens to you. You don't sound like a nice friend at all.

mistermagpie · 04/05/2022 12:38

This has actually annoyed me a bit.

If a friend was experiencing, say, infertility and all the associated rollercoaster of emotions, would you want them to shut up about it because you have three (presumably) healthy children and therefore can't understand why they keep going on about it? Would you tell them to just get on with living 'their best life' or some other bullshit?

pussycatlickinglollyices · 04/05/2022 12:38

ZenKaleidoscope · 04/05/2022 12:31

Have you had your empathy levels checked though?

That's what I was wondering.

KettrickenSmiled · 04/05/2022 12:39

I get you OP - it's really annoying & you've been a saint to put up with it so long.

I've got the same problem at the moment All my friends have broken a limb, & will they stop banging on about it? It's "I can't drive" here & "I'm off work for 6 weeks" there & FFS the whinging about the pain is really depressing.

I haven't broken any limbs, so don't see why they can't stop being such Debbie Downers & congratulate me on my good fortune & sunny disposition. They don't even cheer up when I boast about try to help them remain upbeat & positive by regaling them with news of my active sex life. Honestly - what's a sound-limbed woman to do?

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