Why are all my friends talking about the menopause??

[MrsJasonSudeikis]

Ok - I truly hope I don't offend anyone with this thread and I am fully aware that many women suffer with symptoms of the menopause. I know this is probably my own stuff/issues but where better to share/rant than than on AIBU??

I am 47 and a mother of 3 kids (14 and twins aged 11). I feel much more energetic now that my kids are older. I enjoy my job (meaningful) and have recently started back playing tennis and going to gigs/comedy gigs when we can with my husband. We have a really happy marriage (of course not perfect) and a great sex life! I would say we are having better sex than ever and I feel really at peace with my body and looks (although I looked great in my 20s but I never 'felt' it!) Life is pretty good and I don't wish to come across as the 'i'm alright jack' kind of person but almost everyone in my circle (some friends - not all have gone to the dark side!), work colleagues constantly talk about ageing, and being an older woman and the menopause in a really negative way and it it driving me crazy!! Life book the nursing home already!!?

They speak in the collective 'we' and this is not my experience at all! My energy (and I have to say sex drive) is much higher than it was!! I got my FSH levels checked and they are at 5 so I suspect I am not in menopause yet. My mother and sisters were the same (mid 50s more like). I totally understand that it is good to speak honestly about menopause and ageing but where are the positive role models and stories?? I know we have Emily in Paris (lol!) etc but I am really feeling so triggered and a bit angry about it that I honestly feel like I will start to not have anything in common with my cohort/circles!

Am I in complete denial? Is it ok to name this? After 2 years of a pandemic, I want to surround myself with people of energy and youth and I know this sounds awful selfish!! I can be anxious at times (did during pandemic) but I am making a conscious decision to live my best life! The menopause also seems to be a reason and almost a personality trait for some women and the cause of all their woes which also annoys me!! I always found the lack of exercise and the tanking a bottle of wine a night (in past) was what was that caused anxiety for me much more. Not hormones.

End of rant and just saying - I am much more sympathetic IRL but I need to get this off my chest and wonder does anyone else out there feel like me??

Well I get what you're saying. I've been through the menopause without any symptoms but many of my friends are really struggling. I also never had period pain and I had quick conceptions and easy pregnancies and births. I am just bloody lucky but I want more knowledge and support for people who are suffering. It is real and as far as I can see more people suffer than those who are ok.

But yes there should be also positive stories. But also more research and analysis.

You are in no way unreasonable feeling that too much negative talk pulls you down. Of course it does. There can be different ways of talking about their symptoms and some feel worse than others. You are not unreasonable to prefer to be surrounded with positive energetic people. You are also not a therapist to your friends. There is a different between sharing with a friend and talking to a therapist. People with depression are advised not to offload onto their family more than they can handle.

Its great that the topic of peri/menopause is now in the air as well as other womens issues but you dont need to be pressured to be talking about it or listening to it more than you can handle yourself. I think you got lots of angry posts, which are similar to the thread about someones child learning unhealthy eating habits from an obese friend, because people are frustrated. YOu seem like a normal caring person to me.

Isn't it enough to just feel grateful that life is going well for you and that you feel well (so far!) rather than describe yourself as feeling 'triggered' by hearing about other people suffering. It's a very odd problem to have.

Yes op on the wind up probably!🤷

I was extremely lucky that my menopause has been relatively OK. I am on HRT for vaginal atrophy after years of trying lotions and potions. I didn't have overwhelming hot flushes and my mood swings were no worse (or better) than my monthly period ones. I have put on weight which is harder to shift. But I still enjoy all the things I used to enjoy and can dance my son into the ground at parties (it's not dignified, definitely mum dancing but I don't care - I'll dance because I can).

But my lucky menopause wasn't caused by not necking a bottle of wine or exercising like the devil (in fact I don't own a pair of trainers let alone know the best route to do a run). It was sheer good luck/good genes or 'something else'.

But, if my friends were having a hard time I know I had a sympathetic ear and offered to try to help them. Because that's what friends do.

Btw my peri menopause started at 48, my vaginal atrophy became so bad that sex was difficult for years until my GP said enough of the potions, let's get you HRT. I'm now heading for 60 with a smile on my face and I consider myself very lucky indeed. I have no advice for women who are suffering as I wouldn't pretend I knew what they are going through. But I'm there for a chat and a hug.

OP you're getting a hard time here and I understand why, you do come across (maybe not deliberately) as a big smug and lacking sensitivity.

But, while I'm glad that the menopause has lost some of its stigma and I'm glad people are talking more openly about it, there is a tedious and negative undercurrent to this which I'm getting a bit tired of.

I've noticed a tendency in my social and work circle for anything that goes wrong to be immediately attributed to the menopause as if this were the cause of all ills for women of our age. It has some unpleasant and sexist overtones which remind me slightly of the tendency people use to have of attributing everything to women being on their period.

I have a work colleague who will put everything in the menopause box. If your computer crashes, its the Change. If you have a row in the office, that'll be your menopause. It's belittling to women to be made to feel like all our opinions, emotions and decisions are driven by it.

I think its a net positive that we're all much more aware of it and are lobbying for positive changes for women's medicine etc but I don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater and have us all reduced to the sum total of our estrogen levels.

Have you got enough quotes for your story now @MrsJasonSudeikis?

irritability to the extent that I may fucking impale my co-worker with a biro if she eats another tangerine in front of me
😂😂😂

Fair play to you Joe Pesci @DropYourSword

@mistermagpie agreed, I'm not easily annoyed but this has really annoyed me too!

@MrsJasonSudeikis

some friends - not all have gone to the dark side!
🙄

The dark side?! Lacking in empathy comments* and thoughts *like yours is why some women suffer in silence with debilitating symptoms, embarrassment and reduced life quality!

Do you extend this view of pregnant women, post natal women, women with...whatever you haven't experienced, or aren't experiencing now/yet, or didn't experience the same way? Is it only women you feel this way about?!

I always found the lack of exercise and the tanking a bottle of wine a night (in past) was what was that caused anxiety for me much more. Not hormones.

Maybe applying your own theory, you shouldn't mention the A word, not everyone suffers from anxiety, you sound like you're complaining there 😉 and, unlike menopause, by your own admission, your anxiety was self inflicted? You've successfully managed to add a layer of difficulty right there for those actually suffering from real anxiety!

I hope you sail through the menopause op, it'll be a lonely place for you if you don't, not talking about it, wondering if your symptoms are normal or if you're going mad!

Amoung an array of other symptoms, did you know that some women can experience suicidal thoughts because of difficult menopause symptoms, imagine if that was you and someone lacking empathy complained about you talking it out! Imagine that was someone you cared about, or even you making someone expetiencing difficulty during the vatious stages of pre/peri/post menopause feel like they shouldnt talk, I bet the person lacking empathy (you in this instance!) would be one of the first to say oh why didn't they talk about it!

You sound like a horrible friend!

#cantdohashtagsasimsuchanoldpostmenopausalhagwhoshouldjustdisappearratherthandiscussmyissuesthatcouldbothhelpmeandhelpanother!

Seriously???

For so so so many years, what happens in a woman's body has been off limits as topics of conversation. We don't talk about periods, we don't talk about sex, they are taboo subjects for general conversation. It's only in the past few months that a television ad for sanitary products was allowed (by clearly having to pass some test or other by the advertising gods) to show RED water being absorbed into the product, not the usual BLUE stuff because we all know that when we have a period, we bleed blue blood!

Finally, the topic has come the fore and it's menopause. It's about the entire health of the woman (mental/physical/emotional) and you don't want to talk about it? At all? Because you personally feel great while others might not? How we can tackle the inequality in the availability of medications that can help through this entirely natural but often difficult time in a woman's life?

I really hope this was a troll and not a genuine person being so utterly smug in their active life with their equally active sex life and not an ache or pain at all.

Give it 10 years.

Your post certainly has an air of smug about it.

I’m younger then you and a lot of my close friends have serious health issues. I don’t. Doesn’t mean I can’t empathise with them about how it impacts their lives. Doesn’t mean I get bored of their company or seek out other friendships. I simply accept their experience and provide a sympathetic ear. I don’t understand why you find that so hard.

YABU OP and I can see why you haven’t responded to the many posters saying you are unreasonable yet. How on earth can you claim to understand something you, in your own admission, haven’t been through yet? Going through a hard time isn’t a choice and none of us know what lies ahead. I hope karma doesn’t bite you in the ass.
I do however understand what it’s like to be around people who look at everything in a negative way. I have had to question family members before if they are depressed, because even a sunny day ended up in a massive angry rant about how shit nice weather is. But be very, very careful with saying anything negative to your friends about it - they would rightfully feel you aren’t being a good friend to them.

I don’t care if you suffer from depression or have autism - your post is still tone deaf. Lucky you, being able to dedicate your life to NOT feeling the ill effects of the menopause, but the vast majority of us at this stage of life spend our waking hours working/running around after teenagers and possibly older family members/running a home.

Carry on “trying”, we’re just getting on with life.

I don’t walk to talk about it either. Bored with it.

Insert another medical condition and see what a twat it makes you sound

A couple of my friends have Cancer, and just keep going on and on about it. I dont understand what they're moaning about. I'm feeling really healthy, living my best life, great job and sex life and it just makes me so angry Wish they would just all fuck off. I want to surround myself with healthy youthful people not ill people.

Its almost as if you think you're friends are making their symptoms up. That menopause is all in the mind, the same sexist shit that women have put up with for eons. Everyone experiences menopause differently. Just because you haven't had any symptoms yet (and a lot of women dont at 47) doesn't mean you won't. Doubt your friends will be around to listen though if you are this astoundingly selfish with them

This is lacking in empathy. Your friends are "going on about it" because they are menopausal and it's shit. I'm early 40s with a mum who never noticed the menopause in her 50s. I'm hoping to go the same way. Sadly some people really suffer. That doesn't mean I can't feel bad for others.

what is it with the loony posts today?

At last people are speaking about the menopause. I haven't RTFT (so shoot me) but fuck me it is always the way. Starts with the Very First Pregnancy In The Universe Ever, moves through PFB, Nobody Has Ever Been As Tired As Me, school (all the things) etc etc.

Menopause will hit most of us at some point with more or less impact. And if we have been talking about it it won't a) be such a shock and hopefully b) not be so ignored by the medical profession and the next generation of Menopausal Women Who Are Nearly Suicidal Because Of Symptoms But Nobody Listens won't be nearly suicidal.

Some of this 'Oh, I am too old for this' that some of you talk about might be that some people stop enjoying things and activities they used to enjoy and they would like to keep enjoying it but it doesnt work anymore.

Any one is "allowed" to be a bore.

I'm another one whose first thought was to hope karma doesn't kick in for the OP when she might be made to eat her words. Life does seem to work like that, often.

@Sisisimone

I agree with you about the tone of this post, it is unbearably smug. But I think there is a germ of truth in what the OP says. Not that its as simple as sticking your fingers in your ears and ignoring it.

But I do sometimes think the way we talk about the menopause is unhelpful to women. Yes its a condition which can be debilitating and far more awareness is needed about it both in the medical community and in society at large.

But there's a sort of deadening and resigned quality about the way we talk about it which I bridle against. I don't want friends or other people assuming that all of my personal shortcomings or mistakes or change of perception can automatically be attributed to it, which has been happening a lot recently. And I don't want people to assume that I will no longer do things because of it.

I don't want to be defined by my biology at 50 any more than I did at 25. And I don't want to have to talk about it at every girls night out and dinner party that I go to (which has also been happening a lot recently).

Maybe its just my friends. But at the moment on a personal level I could quite do with a break from talking about the bloody menopause.

Stop being so negative & draining @FrancescaContini 😉
SInce I read the post you are moaning about, I exercised my willpower, & 5 minutes later - just like the PP extolling it - now have long, thick hair with no grey at all!

It's amazing what positive thinking can achieve. I've been so silly blaming my fabulous silver locks grey hairs on hormones & the inevitability of aging.

You are talking rubbish.
I'm still fitter than most people younger than me and the menopause is trashing me.