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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Distraught and need advice regarding 9yo DD

195 replies

DistraughtMother · 02/05/2022 22:21

Hi, I don’t know where to start really and posting here for traffic. I can’t even believe I am writing this, I cannot stop crying and can’t think straight so I need some wise mn’s to help me please.
Firstly I will start that I have been stupid and irresponsible and too trusting to let DD have a phone, it was purely to stay in contact with friends on WhatsApp and nothing else.. and here is why you don’t give 9 year olds a phone😞
Tonight I was taking funny photos on DDs phone with her younger sibling, and came to delete some. When doing so it stated “moved to recycle bin”, clicked around and found the recycle bin. In here is a video of her (9 year old) (male) friend, who has videod himself talking to the camera asking DD to show her private parts, the camera has then moved downwards towards his trousers and I deleted it permantly, was not watching anymore!
My DD, my 9 yo daughter, has videod her privates and sent it too him. She was up in her room this evening when I saw this, I went in and calmly explained what I had seen, and tried to discuss boundaries and how serious and inappropriate it is what these 2 have done. I told her how much I loved her and that I was worried for her, she kept telling me she didn’t want to do it but she felt like she had to.
I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t feel I explained It well enough, I tried knocking at the boys mums house but all curtains were shut and no answer. DD got really emotional when I said I’d need to speak to the school as I don’t want them anywhere near each other, she cried and begged me not to tell anyone, but I have to don’t I? School can alert appropriate authorities who can talk/explain/find out things in a more child/sensitive manner. I can’t just brush this under the carpet and pretend it never happened. I’m worried about approaching the boys mum on the school run in the morning as she’s known for ‘well it wasn’t my child’s fault, they are not to blame’ etc. Please be kind, my tummy is doing somersaults and my throat hurts from so much crying.

OP posts:

LadyWhistldown · 02/05/2022 22:23

You need to tell the school. 2 children could be at risk.

parietal · 02/05/2022 22:25

talk to NSPCC. talk to the school. don't approach the boy's mum. Let the school handle it.

MargeSimpson00 · 02/05/2022 22:25

You absolutely need to tell the school, and remove her phone immediately.

MinorWomensWhiplash1 · 02/05/2022 22:26

I would tell the school and ask them to keep your daughter anonymous. Don’t approach the mum. Then take the phone off her and have a non-blaming conversation about why she should never feel she has to do these things and to never do it again. NSPCC has some good resources I think.

octoberfarm · 02/05/2022 22:28

Oh OP, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I would agree that yes, you should first speak to the school before you do anything else, and ask them to signpost you on for relevant next steps. I'd also as a priority call the NSPCC helpline (I think there's a grown up specific one) and ask for advice. I'd wait to speak to the Mum of the boy until you've done both of those things - the school may well mediate and have a plan as to how to move forward. You did a great job being non judgmental and calm speaking with your DD, even though I know your mind must be going a 1000 miles a minute. She's still your same little girl, and she needs to see you calm and not angry, which I think you know. I'd make sure she knows she's not in trouble and that you love her no matter what. Good luck, I can only imagine how hard this must be

Original poster

DistraughtMother · 02/05/2022 22:31

Phone has been with me since finding out, it can sit in a cupboard and collect dust as she won’t be having one for a long time. I really can’t believe this, I was still eating mud at 9
Its best to let the school handle the boys mum actually, he’s already a troubled child on half days there. I’m honestly the worst mother I didn’t even know she had his number, how did I raise her to think this would be ok to do?

OP posts:

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 02/05/2022 22:32

Do not approach the other parent. Speak to the school Safeguarding Team first thing tomorrow, if they tell you they are unavailable tell them your daughter will be at home until they can speak to you. This is assuming the boy goes to the same school, if not then you need to make both schools aware. They are trained to deal with it and will be able to give you advice. Have you discussed the NSPCC Pants rule? If not then show her the video and explain that any part of the body that is covered by underwear is private and only for her or her trusted adults to see (don’t quote me on that but it’s along those lines).
This isn’t as uncommon as you might think sadly. Make sure your DD knows she can talk to you and you won’t be angry with her. Definitely make her teacher aware, your DD might blurt it at some point anyway and if they are at school together they can put things in place to put some distance between them.
Don’t beat yourself up about the phone but keep an eye on it until she’s a bit older.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 02/05/2022 22:33

They are both 9 and it is completely NORMAL for children this age to express curiosity in each other’s bodies. So try not to get carried away with the idea that it is more than that.

Don’t demonise the other child, just talk to NSPCC and take it from there.

your child will move on much more quickly if you deal with this quietly than if you make a huge drama out of it.

BundtCake · 02/05/2022 22:34

how did I raise her to think this would be ok to do?
you cannot blame her. You gave a nine year old child a smart phone and have been letting her use it unsupervised.

FlamingoQueen · 02/05/2022 22:37

I would speak to the Police in the morning. A friend had this with her dd (was about 12) and the Police came and spoke to her, but in a way that was age appropriate - she wasn’t in trouble.

Original poster

DistraughtMother · 02/05/2022 22:38

I am not blaming her, I am blaming myself 1 million percent. I just thought I’d done a better job than this, hard pill to swallow

OP posts:

Notimeforaname · 02/05/2022 22:39

Yes you tell the school and see what they say, you will take the next step then when you have support.

Did a training recently where we were told of a psychologist who was asked what the appropriate age was to give a child a smartphone. His answer was "When you're comfortable with them seeing porn".

That's just how it is if children have unlimited access to people,cameras and the Internet.

Bubblesandsqueak1 · 02/05/2022 22:46

At 9 they should never have a phone unsupervised or at all really this is not the kids fault they are both 9 you need to report it to the school ASAP do not contact the mother and do not give the phone back you also have not failed her contact the nspcc they have great advice how to deal with this sort of situation

BundtCake · 02/05/2022 22:47

Notimeforaname · 02/05/2022 22:39

Yes you tell the school and see what they say, you will take the next step then when you have support.

Did a training recently where we were told of a psychologist who was asked what the appropriate age was to give a child a smartphone. His answer was "When you're comfortable with them seeing porn".

That's just how it is if children have unlimited access to people,cameras and the Internet.

What training was that?

FortniteBoysMum · 02/05/2022 22:54

Personally I believe you need to go one step further than school. Take her phone to the police station. Whilst this is children the boy got the idea from somewhere. He could be being abused. It is so possible someone close to him made him send this video asking your child to send one and if so then this could have been forwarded. I know this is a scary thought but save time and go straight to them.

Onwards22 · 02/05/2022 22:54

Definitely let the school know.
They will speak to the mum and contact the right people.

Be honest that you’re not sure what to do.

Both kids are very young and they both need educating on keeping their body private.

It’s highly likely that this boy has been sexually abused and the school will bring in external people who will get to the bottom of it.

I would speak to the mum and ask her to make sure all of the videos and photos of your DD have been deleted and you will do the same.

Porcupineintherough · 02/05/2022 22:55

how did I raise her to think this would be ok to do?

She hasn't done anything morally reprehensible, just very unsafe. It is normal for children to be curious about each others bodies. The filming is really unfortunate but happened due to her age and naivety - she is just far to young to keep herself safe online.

Notimeforaname · 02/05/2022 22:57

What training was that?

A staff training day I was at for online safety of children.

PlasticineMeg · 02/05/2022 22:59

FortniteBoysMum · 02/05/2022 22:54

You are correct about them looking in to the idea of the boy being abused but that goes each way - police would also look into the idea of your DD being abused, and they would look at your and her dad too. Just so you know, be prepared for that if you do go to the police!

MadeForThis · 02/05/2022 23:00

You need professional advice. NSPCC, and school safeguarding at a minimum. Your dd has sent this boy an intimate video. His phone needs to be checked. Is it the first time? Has it been shared?

PlasticineMeg · 02/05/2022 23:00

Notimeforaname · 02/05/2022 22:39

Yes you tell the school and see what they say, you will take the next step then when you have support.

Did a training recently where we were told of a psychologist who was asked what the appropriate age was to give a child a smartphone. His answer was "When you're comfortable with them seeing porn".

That's just how it is if children have unlimited access to people,cameras and the Internet.

Sorry to digress but this is a stupid fucking thing for him to have said. I will NEVER be comfortable with my children watching porn even as adults. And not every single child with a phone immediately goes to porn eithet

PlasticineMeg · 02/05/2022 23:01

As in I wouldn’t be comfortable with them watching is at adults

stealthninjamum · 02/05/2022 23:02

Op, how awful. I think you need to go to the police because he may have forwarded on your daughters pictures. And as pps say it might be that he’s abused and you’re doing him a favour.

TruthHertz · 02/05/2022 23:03

I'd have kept the video as evidence as you now have no proof. But I can see why you deleted it in shock.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 02/05/2022 23:04

I think you need to work towards ensuring that the video your DD took is deleted from the boy’s phone and isn’t distributed any further. Hopefully he hasn’t sent it to anybody else but it is possible and it will be an illegal image/ video and obviously one that you wouldn’t want getting into the hands of any nefarious adults. I think I would be tempted to involve the police just so that they can be part of this. The boy has also sent a concerning video and you don’t know how many other people he has sent it to (presumably he also has unsupervised access to a phone, I’d be worried he has potentially been approached to send such videos to adult contacts and is copying the behaviour) or if he has other videos of himself or children. I think that this is a potentially serious matter, even if it was just a case of innocent kids being curious and naive the videos exist now and it’s important that steps are taken to delete them from any accounts and/ or devices they might now be stored on.

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