Distraught and need advice regarding 9yo DD

[DistraughtMother]

Hi, I don’t know where to start really and posting here for traffic. I can’t even believe I am writing this, I cannot stop crying and can’t think straight so I need some wise mn’s to help me please.
Firstly I will start that I have been stupid and irresponsible and too trusting to let DD have a phone, it was purely to stay in contact with friends on WhatsApp and nothing else.. and here is why you don’t give 9 year olds a phone😞
Tonight I was taking funny photos on DDs phone with her younger sibling, and came to delete some. When doing so it stated “moved to recycle bin”, clicked around and found the recycle bin. In here is a video of her (9 year old) (male) friend, who has videod himself talking to the camera asking DD to show her private parts, the camera has then moved downwards towards his trousers and I deleted it permantly, was not watching anymore!
My DD, my 9 yo daughter, has videod her privates and sent it too him. She was up in her room this evening when I saw this, I went in and calmly explained what I had seen, and tried to discuss boundaries and how serious and inappropriate it is what these 2 have done. I told her how much I loved her and that I was worried for her, she kept telling me she didn’t want to do it but she felt like she had to.
I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t feel I explained It well enough, I tried knocking at the boys mums house but all curtains were shut and no answer. DD got really emotional when I said I’d need to speak to the school as I don’t want them anywhere near each other, she cried and begged me not to tell anyone, but I have to don’t I? School can alert appropriate authorities who can talk/explain/find out things in a more child/sensitive manner. I can’t just brush this under the carpet and pretend it never happened. I’m worried about approaching the boys mum on the school run in the morning as she’s known for ‘well it wasn’t my child’s fault, they are not to blame’ etc. Please be kind, my tummy is doing somersaults and my throat hurts from so much crying.

Sorry to digress but this is a stupid fucking thing for him to have said. I will NEVER be comfortable with my children watching porn even as adults. And not every single child with a phone immediately goes to porn eithet

The point is if the child has internet and other people can txt them ...porn can be shared to them at any moment and you cant control that. They can click on messages in an instant and not know what they are opening. What ops daughter saw was child porn.

Talk to the school and if they can’t confirm by the end of the school day that they have been able to take his phone and ensure that the pictures/videos are deleted, then contact the police. Or, just go directly to the police. I think your priority has to be getting those images of your dd out of existence, and then worry about the rest of it.

The police might be able to recover it.

The fact that you handled it really well is a great testament to you, I'm sorry you're going through this but you've done the right thing.
I would let the school and appropriate authorities handle it, you don't want to get into an argument with the boys mum as it will hit home harder for her coming from school etc.
I've heard of people only allowing phones in certain rooms, say kitchen or living rooms, so they're welcome to use the phone there while you're cooking or watching TV and then they must leave the phone there when they go to their rooms etc. I think that's quite good as allows them to message friends but you're always there. Also look for apps where you can track what happens, I'm sure my step mum had one for my step sis at some point. And I think you put child guidelines on the phone, so you can limit what they access

The point is not that youd actually be comfortable with it ever.

They were driving home the point that a smartphone with Internet and social media means they are at a very real risk of seeing it/being sent it at any time . Look, 9 year olds are taking videos of their privates. And people at school show and share things.

Don't blame yourself self and don't beat yourself up with it all stay as calm as you can so no bad decisions are mad but please inform the school asap

If there are naked images on either phone, school staff cannot view them, not even the DSL or deputy DSL. It would go against all safeguarding training so they would need to involve the police. This may sound scary but it will be officers trained to manage it.

I’d probably involve the police to ensure his phone is taken as evidence and the video can’t be forwarded on if it hasn’t already been. I’d probably call the NSPCC tonight too. School safeguarding team tomorrow.

Sounds like you’ve already explained to your DD why she shouldn’t have sent this. I expect her reaction was fairly standard for her age really but encourage her to talk to you more if she feels pressure from peers again and make this a learning thing on how to handle difficult situations like this in the future.

@Notimeforaname 100% agree. It's sad but true. It's everywhere :(

This is police level/ direct reporting to safeguarding team in your local area and informing the school you have done so.

the school can give you the number but the school cannot do anything except tell the police and cannot delete images from a child’s phone.

It’s a police issue. It happened to my friends daughter. The boy who she sent It to, put it on Tik Tok, the police were alerted by tik tok and it went to social services.

It’s the last bit you’ve put that has been going over and over in my mind. He sends video, she comes to me “mum X has sent me this”.
I am absolutely going too the school and ringing NSPCC first thing, also asking the police to check it’s been completely deleted and not forwarded. I’m going to ask both the school and NSPCC on a good parenting class because I am broken that she didn’t come and tell me but instead done what this boy had asked of her

The evidence will still
be on her phone somewhere. The school will sort this out and if not, go to the police. For those who judge you for allowing a 9 year a phone or saying you should know what they’re doing etc-stop kidding yourselves. Even your dc doesn’t have their own phone, they’ll know how to access one and get up to things behind your back. Parenting is even more challenging now.

OP you are a good parent, this happens everyday, it’s the way it is with youngsters today and all this technology, social media etc pressure.

Also-children do things that we could never dream they would do. You don’t need parenting class because she didn’t come to you! Children do the most bizarre and daft things imaginable, even sensible ones! You’re going to sort this out tomorrow and you’re going to be calm and loving with your ds so she will know she can come to you all if something like this happens again. I speak from experience of teaching for over 20 years and parenting my 3 dc. You’ll be ok.

So this boy has the video of your 9yo on his phone?

You need to contact the police.

Don't speak to the other parent. You need to be proactive here and show that you are capable of protecting your child.

Call the NSPCC first, before you do anything at all. They will take a child centered approach and they can do all the reporting for you if you want. They will give you advice to support your child. Although you'll end up having to talk to them tomorrow bear in mind that the school will look to cover their own legal position first, and the police will look to see if they can charge someone with something. So take it to the NSPCC first they'll talk you through it.

You’re a good parent OP! The way you’ve responded shows this. It’s so hard for you but you and your daughter will come through this and be closer. It’s a shock to you she’s having to learn this early but she’ll be wiser and better prepared for the future.

This!
Schools have no powers to deal with what has happened. OP I feel for you, its so difficult for parents navigating our children dealing with something we never did as children. All of those people saying 'inform the school, don't send them back until they've called you, you need to hear back by the end of the day, they need to confiscate his phone, they need to deal with it'....are you for real!?
Yes, important for school to know so they can support your child, but they can't investigate, and to the poster saying they need to confiscate the phone....no they don't, they simply can't!
Unfortunately, it will need to be reported to the police and handled from there. Don't approach the parent directly, police will need to investigate. Yes, if the other child has incited your daughter, it could be pure inquisitiveness (in our day, I'll show you mine if you show me yours... could be not sinister just kids experimenting and wondering) or, it could be because the other child is sexually aware for whatever reason, which needs investigating. Yes you will be spoken to and assessed by ss most likely, but they'll be looking at the fact you have acted appropriately in repoeting and speaking to your child and do their investigations of all involved. If the videos are in the recycle bin, don't delete, they are evidence. Keep all messages on her phone and screen shot what you can. For all you know, the family have a long record of ss/police input, they will be able to build a picture.

Sorry you are going through this op, hope your daughter is OK, it is 100% for the police to deal with. I'm sure you haven't, but don't tell your daughter off. Make it clear that you will be proud of her for being honest now and keep the lines of communication open. X

Well said @Northernlassie1974 - it worries me sometimes on here the terrible advice that people give to those in unthinkable situations, and said with such confidence when they don’t know what the hell they are talking about.

How are they communicating? Which app? The videos will still be there.

Why do so many people say to go to the school? What will the school do?
Will they get involved?
Our school advises that no primary age child should have a smart phone so they will not get involved in any of the inevitable fall out if children are given them by their parents.

@WindowsSmindows of course the school will get involved, it’s a safeguarding issue! They will likely make a referral but they can’t investigate or confiscate phones.