Distraught and need advice regarding 9yo DD

[DistraughtMother]

Hi, I don’t know where to start really and posting here for traffic. I can’t even believe I am writing this, I cannot stop crying and can’t think straight so I need some wise mn’s to help me please.
Firstly I will start that I have been stupid and irresponsible and too trusting to let DD have a phone, it was purely to stay in contact with friends on WhatsApp and nothing else.. and here is why you don’t give 9 year olds a phone😞
Tonight I was taking funny photos on DDs phone with her younger sibling, and came to delete some. When doing so it stated “moved to recycle bin”, clicked around and found the recycle bin. In here is a video of her (9 year old) (male) friend, who has videod himself talking to the camera asking DD to show her private parts, the camera has then moved downwards towards his trousers and I deleted it permantly, was not watching anymore!
My DD, my 9 yo daughter, has videod her privates and sent it too him. She was up in her room this evening when I saw this, I went in and calmly explained what I had seen, and tried to discuss boundaries and how serious and inappropriate it is what these 2 have done. I told her how much I loved her and that I was worried for her, she kept telling me she didn’t want to do it but she felt like she had to.
I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t feel I explained It well enough, I tried knocking at the boys mums house but all curtains were shut and no answer. DD got really emotional when I said I’d need to speak to the school as I don’t want them anywhere near each other, she cried and begged me not to tell anyone, but I have to don’t I? School can alert appropriate authorities who can talk/explain/find out things in a more child/sensitive manner. I can’t just brush this under the carpet and pretend it never happened. I’m worried about approaching the boys mum on the school run in the morning as she’s known for ‘well it wasn’t my child’s fault, they are not to blame’ etc. Please be kind, my tummy is doing somersaults and my throat hurts from so much crying.

Thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to comment, for the kind and helpful responses. I spoke to her teacher this morning, and the police. I guess who will pass this over to SS who will then be in contact. Police haven’t spoken to DD yet they came while she was in school, I told them although I know I’ve done the right thing I’m so worried she’s going to hate me as she didn’t want me to say a word to anyone. Unsure if anything has happened with the boy/family- guess I wouldn’t be told anyway.
We’ve had a lovely heart to heart this evening, she asked me if I was mad at all. I told her ofcourse I’m not mad, and we had a chat about not being pressured by other people to do something they don’t want to do, and vice versa. Also the NSPCC pants rule thanks to some people who posted about it.

This comment stuck out too me earlier; but I was too busy to reply.
She didn’t actually witness anything, and was fast asleep in bed before I got into my bed, processed everything and had a good sob. Things always hit harder late at night, when everyone else is asleep and you have just your own thoughts for comfort.

@tomatoandherbs comment above was to you I thought I quoted it

Sorry if i missed
it what does her father say about it?

And if he was to be considered a criminal then unfortunately so would she. It is a friendly offence to send sexual pictures of a child even if the child is you.

Absolutely this. I think you are overreacting to be honest. Kids show each other their “bits” all the time, the difference is these days kids unfortunately have phones and can film stuff . Please don’t make a big drama, it will only shame her. Obviously you need to talk to the boys mum and make sure he is spoken too/ footage is deleted. I’m not sure that you need to speak to the school or they need to be kept apart tbh. Don’t make it more than it is likely to be- naive childhood curiosity.

Her father is DH and lives here with us, he initially was saying (to me, once DD was in bed, no anger/punishment was given to DD) we need to take her phone away- agreed and we have. We need to ground her- to which I explained this is something that needs to be dealt with love and care, not punishment. And then I said I think the best course of action is to speak to the school and the police, to which he said I will support whatever decision you make and took the morning off work to come to the school and be here when the police came. He admitted he didn’t really know how to deal with this, but that he wasn’t angry at DD just the shock of it was a punch to the gut.

I think you should go to the police. And your daughter obviously shouldn’t have a smart phone for a very long time. You’re not alone - I have lots of nine year olds in my class with smart phones - including some very vulnerable children with terrible home lives and learning difficulties. They get into all
sorts of bother. It beggars belief. But, if this happened outside of school hours, then I don’t see how this has anything to do with the school. I have banned phones in my classroom, and I refuse to manage their use/inevitable problems.

Rtft she has

Even if it's normal curiosity, the phone aspect surely needs looking at to see if it has been shared?

You are shiwing your ignorance
'You show me yours and I'll show you mine' is extremely common at this age. It is unfortunate nowadays that with phones and social media people may not be who they seem and also the spreading of images

The daughter could also have shared the video she received. All phones need checking.

She said it was a 9yo friend 🙄

Did the police not take your phone op

Yes agree. The practicalities of that do need to be dealt with.

But there’s no need to make the whole incident into something it’s not- eg - “how did I raise her to think this would be ok to do”, “where did I go wrong”, and “I want him as far away from her as possible” type stuff.

The poor child is probably now feeling utterly humiliated and ashamed , for engaging in some very normal, childish behaviour.

OP might have been eating mud at 9, but I can assure you “I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours” was very commonplace in our primary school! The difference was we didn’t have phones to record it of course..

how did I raise her to think this would be ok to do?
you cannot blame her. You gave a nine year old child a smart phone and have been letting her use it unsupervised.

This. Children should not have phones.

Omg I am so so so so sorry this happened to you.
what you write here is exactly true- it’s so so important not to project adult sexual ideas onto this kind of behaviour in children. It’s so harmful and off piste.
that kind of projection breeds the shame that creates the conditions possible for child sexual abuse to occur.

How is it going op?
It would be interesting to know what the school/police have said, so others that find themselves in similar positions can learn from this.

I hope you are okay and your little dd, it is a terrible shock and so upsetting. It will feel better as the months pass, and I hope it is handled sensitively and carefully at school especially.

The poor child is probably now feeling utterly humiliated and ashamed , for engaging in some very normal, childish behaviour.

You have no idea how long, how detailed, how up close, or how ideitifiable the video the DD sent was.

Equating this solicitation of one child by another via phone with the quick pants down business of Olde England would be laughable if it werent for the fact that the people making such asinine comments are presumably parents of children.

She claims the police visited because two 9yo children did a little exchange which has been deleted.

How interesting.