Why are people on here so pressed about the existence of SAHMs?

[DaffodilsandCoffee]

It’s fair enough to point out the existence of certain downsides are risks, but there seems to be so much spite and resentment on here. Why are some posters do angry at the existence of women who prefer to do all the childcare themselves rather than outsource some of it? Also, are they equally as angry at SAHDs? (I know it’s not as common but I personally know 3)

People are generally annoyed at SAHPs who say things like "I didn't have children for someone else to bring them up" and radiate an air of smugness.
And there's a certain amount of frustration at women who unwittingly put themselves in precarious financial positions.

The majority of people accept that different families do things in the way that suits them and couldn't care less.

I really couldn't care what people do, but really roll my eyes when women come complaining they can't get back into work at a senior level, or that their husband views them differently now they don't work, or when they are unbearably smug about being a SAHM.
I'd rather gouge my eyes out than be a SAH, but each to their own.

If people are going around suggesting that you might as well not have kids if you used paid childcare, that’s equally as unpleasant. I just read a thread full of really vicious stuff about SAHMs though, and I just don’t fully get the strength of the negative feeling.

Each to their own is my attitude!

I don’t know why you’d roll your eyes at people complaining their husband doesn’t respect or value them though. That’s something people deserve from partners regardless of whether they do paid work.

a lot of it is jealousy but they will never admit and it and they will go out of their way to deny this is the case.
they will say things such as; I’m not jealous of someone being financially vulnerable or similar.

in reality; the vast manority of people work because they have to, not because they want to. If these people claiming they would never be a SAHM won £200 million on the lottery I doubt they’d continue to work in these jobs they claim to love to much.

All the FT working mums I know hate the fact they have to do it, but they do it for that reason; because they have to! They always look frazzled and stressed and seem to be rushing around.

Where is this thread of negativity? I've never seen anything like that on here. I have seen very angry responses from SAH posters who don't like it being pointed out that giving up work to be financially dependent on a man is a risky strategy - I think some of them take this as an indication that others are jealous or resentful, but I don't believe that assumption to be true.

Interestingly, the ones I know who looked stressed out and frazzled are the SAHM because they never seem to get time away from their children and see other adults. But the few I know don't have the most supportive husbands who come home and pitch in, most have just decided being a SAHM is a 24/7 job which is depressing.

a lot of it is jealousy but they will never admit and it and they will go out of their way to deny this is the case.

Just thought of another reason - SAHPs insisting that other people must be jealous of them.
No way on earth I would be one even if I was paid to to it. Not remotely jealous.

Haha, here we go! If you choose to work then it's because you have to in order to survive, and you are jealous of SAHMs. 🙄

People often view others people's choices as an 'attack' or comment on their own choices, so can get very defensive, or attack as a form of defense.

The SAHMvWOHM debate is a lager version of school choices when eg if you choose to send your child out of catchment for school other parents may think you are implicitly criticising their choice to use the catchment school.

Personally I think different people have different needs / desires and everyone will be trying to do the best by their family.

That would be a larger version not an alcoholic version.

I have no idea. Every thread descends in insults, there is one above. It's like a hierarchy between those that work and don't work, yet it's often unskilled, low paid workers looking after their children.

It’s ridiculous. What each couple does and how they organize their home and family is entirely their own business. My husband is a SAH person (we don’t have children but if we did he’d be the one at home with them). It suits us. He’s not in a dangerous financial position. The house is in both names equally. We have a joint bank account, joint savings account, joint credit cards. He’s the sole beneficiary of all my employee life insurance benefits. It suits us. I earn the money, he keeps the house looking splendid and our dogs exercised and stimulated.

The only time the resentment is justified is when the smug SAHPs belittle those who work and act like they are better parents. I’ve known good parents who work outside the home and bad parents who don’t. It has nothing to do with whether you work or not.

I feel lucky to be a SAHM (for the early years, I plan to try and get back into work when my youngest is 3 or 4) but I believe my friends who say it’s not for them.

A couple of them are quite senior in the field I left and I do occasionally think “what if?” — though to be honest they were already in more senior roles than I was pre-kids.

I just think it’s horses for courses. It depends what your personal options are and what you personally value most. I guess the people who are really spiteful about SAHMs might actually be jealous and protesting too hard.

If asked, I used to say I was a nanny. Got lots of respect for working full time as a nanny. Just never mentioned I was nanny to my own children. It's the same job 🤷‍♀️

I often think it’s the wording used and can hurt /cause upset in both camps. I choose to work, BUT I still am my child mother and as with SAHP it doesn’t make me any less or more of a parent - We have never missed a sports day or a play- we have been to every important event and both changed our working pattern to ensure our choices of working have never affected our children. Who are now 19 & 12 not damaged by their parents working and know we will always put them first.
Things said like oh you work to keep the holidays or fancy cars - no I work to keep a roof over our heads.
i don’t judge anyone else choices and if you can support your family with one of you working and one’s staying home don’t justify yourself as a better parent. And the same goes to parents who both work - no need either way.

We are all parents doing our best for our children.

I have a supportive husband and am still frazzled tbh. I have a 2.5 year old and 4 month old so I’m assuming it gets a bit easier over time.

It does have a surprising amount of time given to it as a topic, when there are very few stay at home mums.

It stops people discussing all the other things women do when they have children, that mainly men dont do. This is things like reducing hours to fit round childcare or increase time with children, taking on easier jobs to help juggle and cope with their responsibilities at home, taking a job closer to home, often on lesslpay - again either to fit childcare or just to ensure they are home for bedtime.

I’m a SAHM. I don’t think of what anyone else does for their family because it’s none of my business. We do what works for us and it’s as simple as that. My husband and I decided we’d do things this way when starting a family as it suited us. Our youngest has a disability also so this affects the dynamics a bit. The bottom line is, if it’s not your life, stop thinking you can have an opinion on it. I admire working parents as much as SAHP’s. Every single circumstance is different. Why would it even enter my head that someone is either jealous or pity’s me. I couldn’t care less.

The only time I've ever seen people have a go at SAHMs on here is when SAHMs make remarks which imply that WOHMs are part time parents, or that they are not prioritising their dc.

They do also often warn people about the dangers of becoming a SAHM in terms of making yourself financially reliant on your husband or partner and destroying your career - which is fair enough tbh.

I agree with all of this. Different people have different sets of options, and within those there’s no right choice it’s just what you personally prefer. There’s not an option without both benefits and downsides.

I wish people didn't so worked up about whether or not other mothers work, but they absolutely, viciously do - in both directions. I also wish that people wouldn't get so worked up about how someone else gives birth, feeds their baby, whether or not they sleep train, etc etc etc to infinitum. But I'm pretty certain the root cause is the same in all those cases - lots of women feel anxious about whether they mother 'well enough', and finding another group they consider to be doing it worse (or, sometimes, that they can denounce as 'smug') makes them feel much better. It's like a two minute hate; gets all the negative feelings out, attaches them to someone else, they can then feel better about their own choices.

Yes this makes me laugh. I love my job. I truly do… Would I keep doing it if I do. £200million? I’d probably drop half time so I could have enough time to run the charity I would set up properly…but I’d never give it up. I’d have more holidays when I was on annual leave mind you.

I appreciate some women work because they have to. Likewise some women don’t work because they can’t afford the childcare within their family if both parents worked.

I was a nanny for a bit when I was younger. A lot like looking after my own except easier because I went home and slept well every night, and had less housework to try and juggle alongside looking after the kids.

It's defensiveness...but it works both ways. The comments on this thread already demonstrate this e.g. 'I'd rather gouge out my eyes than be a SAHM' and ' all the FT working mums I know hate it and only do it for the money' are really insulting to SAHMs and working mums. Insulting or judging another woman for her choices is a disservice to all women.