Why are people on here so pressed about the existence of SAHMs?

[DaffodilsandCoffee]

It’s fair enough to point out the existence of certain downsides are risks, but there seems to be so much spite and resentment on here. Why are some posters do angry at the existence of women who prefer to do all the childcare themselves rather than outsource some of it? Also, are they equally as angry at SAHDs? (I know it’s not as common but I personally know 3)

IME a lot of SAHMs are really defensive about their decision. I suspect partly because as a society in the U.K., we ask people what their job is very early on in meeting new people.

I would not have wanted to be a SAHM. I found/find small children bloody dull and I love my job. No one criticises other jobs like the SAHM one because that's the only one every mother has tried out during mat leave.

And all this

I can't get worked up about someone's life style choices but for me to become a full time sahm I'd need to be having the kids with a member of the royal family or someone like Bill Gates because anything else is far too precarious. Many women leave marriages with just the shirt on their backs because whilst they took all those years out to raise kids their husbands continued to work. But each to their own and all that.

Jealousy on both sides I’d say, however I’ve never encountered this in real life. Only on MN do the keyword warriors start trading insults about each others situations.

SAHM - each to their own of course. But I know some SAHMs with kids at school who outsource all their housekeeping. Ladies who lunch is a better term ......

I loved being a SAHM and have never had found a job I wanted to be senior in. I'd rather gouge my eyes out than be in an office all day long stressing over deadlines but everyone's different so if that's someone else's idea of a good time that's fine by me.

I work term time (teacher) and have no childcare during my 9 week summer holidays or mid year and my dh is at work all this time so I have a small snapshot of what it is like.
I am not jealous of anyone but the narrative of it being the hardest job in the world annoys me. I find it so much easier when I'm off than spending weekends catching up on shopping and washing and cleaning because there is no time mid week. My timetable is my own with my children and everything is so much calmer.

I guess it's just a case of clashing.. pros and cons to both to be fair! when you compare though it's bound to be a touchy subject the working mums miss out on some things and the SAHP obviously have a lot more time.. so perhaps don't miss as much.

I am a SAHM although my situation evolved quite quickly. DH (now ex) and I planned 2nd baby, 2nd baby actually turned out to be twins, childcare for 2 is approximately £2K a month which is wild, so I gave up work because this was more than our combined earnings per month. A year after that, I was medically retired at 35 because of a medical condition that only came to light when DTs were 1and DS was 6, and my health rapidly declined. I'm now a SM. I'm happy that I can be around for my 3 DCs, cover for school holidays, sickness and I get to go to all their school concerts etc. Money is tight, probably always will be. XDH works away, and long hours so is never there for emergencies, school holidays etc so I'm glad I am. I honestly have no idea how 2 parent working families manage, practically speaking. My parents live abroad, as does my sister and my exMIL does not assist with the kids, never has done even when we both worked FT.

IME a lot of SAHMs are really defensive about their decision

I think that's definitely true. I went through a phase of saying "student" partly because I was resentful of having to give up work (too ill) and partly because I expected to be criticised. Now on my second degree whilst a sahm (3rd overall) who does a lot of voluntary work, I don't care anywhere near as much. My inability to get a minimum wage job is starting to annoy me though given I got every job I interviewed for pre children/breakdown.

I honestly think you just can't win as a woman/mother so why even try?

Working parent, you get comments about not looking after your own children, having kids for someone else to bring them up, how childcare is not good for young kids.

SAHMs you get a whole raft of other stuff like how boring it is, how it ruins your career, etc.

In reality, everyone is an individual and some people want to be SAHPs and some don't, others want to but aren't able to due to circumstances, some women want to continue a career. And no one is 'right' or 'better', it's just our individual lives.

Being a SAHP is not for me, but that's a personal decision and not one that makes me any better or worse than anyone else.

Maybe to kick back at the "why bother having children if you're going to put them in childcare" Stepfords?

Great post.

It’s not a competition, everyone is just doing their best for their own unique situation.

I was a SAHM for the best part of 15 years. Don't regret a moment of it.

I also wouldn't have had children had we not been able to afford do so.

There were quite a lot of posters on that thread picking up on SAHMs and picking them apart. One did it to me.

I've worked FT/ PT & SAHM since becoming a mother. The only people are affected by those decisions are DH and I and they are exclusively about our own circumstances, DCs and opportunities. They are not a a judgement on others. Other people are free to make their own choices depending on their situation which will be different to ours.

I don't know why other people would get their knickers in a twist over my choices. I don't cost anyone other than DH and he's happy with the package. I rarely have to involve others in parenting because I can nearly always cover it between me and DH.

We've also covered the pitfalls of pensions etc. If I was left in the lurch, I am employable maybe not optimally, but can return to earning an income fairly quickly. I have relevant voluntary experience in the gap, and it's a shortage career at present. Discussion about practicalities like that doesn't offend me. Making out that I'm morally wrong for managing the best interests of my own family does. Others are free to make their own, different choices, it makes no difference to me.

I don’t think I’ve come across it in real life and tend not to read much on here on the subject. Everyone is different . Some people love their jobs and want to go out to work, some people have to work and some people want to stay at home . I got made redundant 15 years ago. My younger two are teenagers now. I don’t work and have no plans to go back. Some people ask if I get bored but I really don’t. There is always something to do. We’re financially secure and don’t claim benefits so I guess it’s no one’s business but ours. I have kept national insurance contributions up to date too.

@switswoo81 I'm with you about the time factor for me that's a non argument. I think age of your kids comes into play. I think once you have school aged kids well

I don't see much spite & resentment. Often there are warnings or things to be mindful of due to others posters experiences. There is often an assumption that all woman want to be SAHPs & so any criticism is motivated by jealousy but that's just not true.

a lot of it is jealousy but they will never admit and it and they will go out of their way to deny this is the case.

bingo 😆

As soon as she arrived at DS’ party she came up to me, and without even saying hello, start bellowing at the top of her voice -

“ugghhhh I can’t believe I’ve just heard that your still at home with your DS. How on earth can be stuck at home with him. How f***g boring! As much as I love my boy I couldn’t stand being at home with him. God I can’t believe it. How could you? I can’t believe it that you’d choose to be at home. Ugh ughhhh”.

And on and on she went, repeating herself, and in a really awful tone of voice too. Talking so loudly to ensure lots of people heard and were staring. I didn’t reply and walked away and she found me twice more during the 2-hour party to repeat pretty much the same.

People often view others people's choices as an 'attack' or comment on their own choices, so can get very defensive, or attack as a form of defense.

I agree people need to be confident in their own choices & do what works for them.

I don't think threads on here shine much glory on either side really. What invariably happens is that someone starts a goady thread, the first few responses are balanced and acknowledge whatever is best for your family is the right decision. Someone from either side then stomps in with a ridiculous post and everyone gets defensive and it spirals. I imagine in real life no one really gives a hoot what other people do, but as with the breastfeeding and formula threads, it just descends into a tonne of defensiveness.

They are not ‘housewives’. Sahm doesn’t have to mean skivvy, again it’s their choice.

This sort of comment does come across as a bit mean-spirited tbh.

I guess it could stem from being on here for a long time and reading numerous threads about women who are stuck in abusive relationships but can’t leave because they have no job and no confidence for being out of work for so long.

I personally would never be a SAHP but I wouldn’t be nasty to anyone who is.

I know one women who openly says she has sacrificed her career but it’s because her DH works away and her DD has an illness that meant she had to keep leaving work or not going in.

She is resentful that her DH doesn’t have that responsibility but it’s the best option for her family.

Sorry haven't RFT but is there a link to the other thread about negative sahp? I honestly believe there is an air of jealousy. I do work very part time because I can (yes life would be even better financially if I could work ft) but I get the vibe (mainly sis in law who works FT) that she would also love to have brunch with her friends some days and drop and pick up her young kids to nursery/school.