Why are people on here so pressed about the existence of SAHMs?

[DaffodilsandCoffee]

It’s fair enough to point out the existence of certain downsides are risks, but there seems to be so much spite and resentment on here. Why are some posters do angry at the existence of women who prefer to do all the childcare themselves rather than outsource some of it? Also, are they equally as angry at SAHDs? (I know it’s not as common but I personally know 3)

I imagine SAHPs get a lot of stick on here because they make out that they are significantly busier and more stressed/work harder etc than any employed person

Yes. I admit I may have made slightly sarcastic comments a couple of times to SAHM on here who seem not to understand that working parents also clean, cook, do admin, etc. In real life that doesn't happen because my SAHM friends know that I also feed my children, and we all respect that we've made different decisions to suit our families.

E.g. I bit my tongue earlier when a poster on another thread said that being a SAHM allowed her to get her DC's passport photos taken. I took DS' photos on my phone, it took less than 5 minutes. It didn't require giving up my job! Why not just admit you've made a choice that works for you?

You're one of those people who are determined to be offended even when no offence is offered aren't you?

@Topgub

Of course some people will be jealous of women who have the option to remain at home if they wish. Not everyone has that choice do they? not everyone enjoys working and raising babies/toddlers simultaneously. I for one would have been exhausted and loved my time at home.

At 33 with a degree behind me and an interesting job I count myself very lucky indeed. My youngest is now 7, oldest is a teen and I’m still more than young enough to career build. I studied an OU degree whilst being at home.

I had a lovely 8 years off and then ventured into a sector that I am able/young enough to flourish in. Many of my friends are still stuck in the same old jobs they had when their kids were babies as they couldn’t afford to retrain etc.

@JollyWilloughby

Only if you view a 'lovely x amount of years off' or having the choice to quit work as the ideal.

I dont.

Its such a jellyfish of a dig.

It goes both ways. It’s nonsense to claim that SAHMs are busier than parents with paid jobs, but it’s also not true that working parents do exactly the same as what SAHM’s do and work, which I’ve seen claimed in this thread.

SAHMs do the same job a nanny would be doing in the hours the child’s parents are at work, and potentially more of the housework on top of that. If that wasn’t additional work, nobody would need to employ anyone to do it.

I’ve never been a working parent, but I find looking after a toddler and baby harder and more stressful (mainly when they both really need me at the same time, trying to get the baby to nap without the toddler deliberately waking them, or feeling neglected and getting upset…) than I found reporting and writing to short deadlines. I do imagine I’d find juggling a my old job and kids hard.

Of course some people will be jealous of women who have the option to remain at home if they wish. Not everyone has that choice do they?

Equally some women would like to work but childcare costs are prohibitive.

Tbh, before I had kids I sort of assumed that sahm were a bit lazy and unmotivated. Then I had kids and WOW. Totally take my hat off to sahm, particularly those with 2 or more pre-school and below kids. Work was a bloody holiday in comparison and that was working long hours as a teacher. For me, being at home looking after young kids was way harder - and a natural housewife I am not. I really resented how cleaning and childcare was my responsibility as I was at home. Shudder. Sadly for me, both my kids have additional needs, and my 6 year old has thus far not been able to manage full-time school. When covid hit I had no choice but to quit my job. It's certainly not what I would have chosen but is right for our family. Ultimately that's all that matters isn't it?

I think people worry about their own choices at times, and when they meet someone who has made different choices they feel defensive and a need to justify their choice. It's peoples own insecurities that lead to perceived judgement. Sad really.

I think it’s an odd thing. I have always worked. And no not because I have to. But because I had a difficult childhood where divorce and finances had a huge impact. It worked in my favour when I became a lone parent.

I also wouldn’t quit if I won the lottery, due to the nature of my Job I would be an idiot to walk away now rather than in 5 years.

I have been on the receiving end of many nasty comments. I genuinely don’t care what someone does for a job or doesn’t do.

I do object to people telling me they couldn’t possibly work because they didn’t have kids to be a part time parent, they love their kids too much to work, they couldn’t damage their kids by ‘not being there for them’ and so on and so forth.

The worst one was dbros wife who always tried to start the Sahm va Wohm debate. I would shut it down every time and say that it was no one else business and people do what’s best for them. I would also add that people (especially other women) live to comment on womens parenting and no matter what you do someone will always feel it’s ok to negatively comment. Then she came out with ‘women who work should be infertile’ and I cut her off. I haven’t spoke to her for years.

However, people say things like this because they are dicks and have their own issues. Not because they are sahp so I don’t judge all sahp for it. Or assume all sahp are going to be dicks.

I object to these like I object to people who claim working parents are teaching their kids about hard work or are some how better than sahp.

I do also roll my eyes at people who have been out of the work force for years, who seem offended they can’t just walk back into a job at the same lever and/or (in some cases) jobs at a fairly senior level. You see this on threads here a lot, people feeling discriminated against for being a sahp. When it’s just logic that people with more recent experience are more attractive to employers. There was a thread a few months ago where the Op was arguing that she was more employable and has more relevant skills for most jobs, than people actually doing the job she wanted. She felt being sahp gave her skills that someone who worked could never have and those skills were more desirable.

But again, that’s just individuals being a bit daft. It’s not a reflection on all sahp.

We all make decisions. Non are superior. Some work out, some don’t. I was lucky that my decisions worked out for the best, in the long run. We just make the one that we think is best at the time.

@roadyt

Agreed

@CanYouHearMeAtTheBack

I had 3 kids in 5 years (they do not have additional needs). Personally I found it a walk in the park, not working was very easy indeed. I didn’t do all the housework either my husband still chipped in. I think it’s just presumed we do everything because we are at home. Wasn’t true for me.

I now work with a teen, tween and a younger child. I find life far busier and much more stressful, but that’s just my own personal view. I do enjoy my job though.

Why shouldn't they complain if their husband is a jerk?

@DaffodilsandCoffee I hope I've tagged the correct poster here. I think if you have a baby and toddler it's always going to be tough isn't it? Because of the small age gaps. Again that was a choice made though. A single working parent is very similar to a SAHM one of the biggest advantages is that they are not having to rush and committ to leaving the house at a set time. Rushing around is a huge strain I find.. organising childcare for all the school holidays. If your babies haven't slept you have the advantage of staying at home.

I do admitt though that I don't have the right personality to be a SAHM I used to do nights and have DS with me at home during the day then go to work at night I was part time so I spent a lot of time at home I had 5 free days. Your kids will grow up and you will get past that tough age gap.

It is possible to do what a sahm does and work.

I've done it.

Sahp parent

Wp work and parent

I suppose, it could be seen to be putting the cause of feminism back, by saying children need their mother at home. Choosing to be a SAHM, isn't saying this, but could be construed to be supporting that narrative.

I sometimes wonder if Mumsnet is rather favoured by those who do work full-time in demanding professions. Do the founders conform to that profile - high-flying, successful, long hours needing to be put in?. Perhaps the argument goes that if women don't need men financially or for status, men won't get away with being controlling and different-levels-of-abusive to women. Everything becomes easier, all the stereotypes can be poo-pooed, and you can keep men on their toes, more easily.

Problem is, fantastic childcare and extra clubs etc., to keep little ones occupied and looked over ( safeguarding) is better and easier if you are a successful professional, but not so affordable and brilliant when you and partner are earning average salaries...so one of you staying at home, becomes a considerable option.

Winning the lottery is a completely different scenario to be fair. Would I like to not have to work - absolutely, but would I do it if it meant DH had to work FT still, I became financially dependent on him and I became responsible for the majority of the cooking, washing, cleaning and running the kids around - no way! I completely respect those who make a different choice though.

I’m sure it would take considerable effort and I don’t know how long this lady has been out of the workforce. My MIL went back into nursing after many years- I don’t know all the details, but I presume she’d kept up her registration.
My point is that my friend could easily retrain or do whatever’s necessary to go back to work, but she’s choosing not to. And that’s fine if it suits her family.

I think being a single working parent of a toddler and a baby would be objectively harder than my situation. A single SAHM also tbf.

I’m not complaining about my situation, as you say I chose it. Just pointing out that for me it’s currently harder than my old job was, and my old job wasn’t one considered notably low pressure, though there’s many that are harder.

@DaffodilsandCoffee I guess this is thing we don't realise isn't it. Perhaps you cope very well with a sahm because you have the correct personality I think it's a lot to with it. Some who prefer to work perhaps cope with the work pressures better. It's all relative like your saying.

@JollyWilloughby just goes to show that we all have different strengths doesn't it. Maybe it was my kids additional needs that made being at home with them more challenging than work for me, or maybe I would have felt that way regardless - who knows. It certainly opened my eyes and taught me to be less judgemental anyway.

@Tayegete I think this is a really good point and there are many different people who are SAHMs but who have massively different lifestyles.
I’m a SAHM. I’m not financially dependant on my husband, we have a cleaner and a gardener so I don’t spend my time doing housework, we are quite wealthy so enjoy a very nice lifestyle and don’t suffer financially from me not working, I do pick up my children and take them to clubs etc because I enjoy doing so but I do many more things which I would not have the time to do if I worked.
In comparison, if a woman was a SAHM because, for example, childcare was too expensive for her to return, she did 100% of the childcare and housework, she had no time for herself and they had to try hard to make ends meet that would be a completely different situation.

@Diverseopinions I don't think being a SAHM is tantamount to saying "children need their mother at home". And for the record I don't have a problem with women choosing to remain with their children. I can see multiple very logical reasons for women not to work.

But it does get my goat when people say they are "facilitating their husband's career" by choosing to stay at home. I have a perfectly good and very well-paid career as a single parent with no childcare whatsoever other than that which I pay for (and the occasional favour from a friend). And yes its stressful but I've done it without any babysitting, let alone someone at home to do all the housework, childcare, cooking, life admin and you name it. I can see that having someone not working makes life easier for the breadwinner but the idea that its a requisite for having a career pretty lame.

And by the way this attitude does hold working women back in the workplace because then the men with "facilitators" don't consider the needs of the working women who don't have them.

I tend to see SAHMs posting saying things like, ‘I didn’t have kids to have someone else raise them’ and parents who work posting advice in response to women who are totally financially dependent on a man that they are really unhappy with.

I think things are changing in that both parents want an equal involvement & more flexibility with work/life balance, or it certainly seems that way with people I know, in my area. DH does just as many drop offs, pick ups as I do & we both do sports day, reading at school etc.

At some point the plan is for me to increase to 4 days & he will reduce to 4 days so he has more leisure time.

And by the way this attitude does hold working women back in the workplace because then the men with "facilitators" don't consider the needs of the working women who don't have them.

I agree with this. Being a SAHM because it suits your family, no problem. But those who argue they are facilitating their husbands career probably aren't helping society as a whole. It's only ever highly privileged men who have these 'facilitators'. Successful women don't tend to have the same kind of resource at home, smoothing their paths for them.

Yes, this is my experience too.

My DH loves being a father. I love being a mother. We view time with the children as a privilege that we should both get to enjoy in roughly equal amounts. I think he would be really unhappy if he had to work all the time while I got to spend every available hour with them.

On a side note what does ‘pressed about’ mean? Not being snippy, it’s not an expression I’ve heard before.