Why are people on here so pressed about the existence of SAHMs?

[DaffodilsandCoffee]

It’s fair enough to point out the existence of certain downsides are risks, but there seems to be so much spite and resentment on here. Why are some posters do angry at the existence of women who prefer to do all the childcare themselves rather than outsource some of it? Also, are they equally as angry at SAHDs? (I know it’s not as common but I personally know 3)

Frankly, if it came down to a choice between a man who has principles and a motivation to provide for and protect his family - give me my husband any day of the week over the "get yourself back to work and earn 'your own' money you entitled, lazy scrounger' type of man

Same. I find it an attractive trait in a man.

It does go round in circles. I have absolutely nothing to say about "WOHMs." Even the acronym I find ridiculous because I don't regard women as some kind of distinct group just because they have some form of job. What is a so-called WOHM anyway? Someone who jet sets round the world for weeks on end? Or someone who does the odd shift in a pub or something? It makes no sense to talk about "them" As I said, there are as many variations of WOHMs as there are humans. If other people have said things about these "WOHMs" that's nothing to do with me.

The only thing I have issue with is certain women on here (well they claim to be women) who do the whole "you're living off a man" bollocks because I find it depressing that they have such a paltry concept of marriage and a family that they can't comprehend how any man could possibly tolerate having a SAHM wife! I'm not arguing any women should do anything. I don't think like that what do I care- each to their own (as long as they're not being financially abused like the thread yesterday). I find the narrow- minded reactions to SAHMs depressing. But also quite fascinating because it's never something I come across in real life.

@Wallaw I'm not angry about others choices. I didn't comment on @Dinosauratemydaffodils choice did I?? Look back on the thread she commented on my post and I responded back.

I just pointed out that being a SAHM isn't the equivalent of being employed which is a fact.

But you are arguing that. You are arguing that marriage must be one where the man gets no say in the set up and gender stereotypes need to be adhered to or the man must be an arse.

when there’s a million different situations in between. You believe your set up is right, or the man must be a poor husband and father. That’s not something I can get on board with.

no idea what your issue with the acronym is. It’s quite clear. It’s a mother who works outside the home. There’s also many variations on sahp. Ones who volunteer, ones who do nothing with their kids, ones who study etc. don’t really see the difference myself.

No SinaraSmith. I am defending my own lifestyle as normal that's all, on a thread where I have been called a scrounger and pointless and god knows what else. My husband has been called a mug, 'from a backward place.' So much misunderstanding and crap basically. I have said nothing negative about any woman who works - ever. Why would I?

It's true I take a dim view of men who keep their finances separate when they have a family. And it's true I feel sorry that women are stuck with men who have no self-respect and won't even provide for their wife and children during maternity leave! I can't get my head around that, it's true. But mums with jobs - total non-issue.,

@SinaraSmith what do you think the impact of you working has been on your children?

Louise0701, what do you the impact of your husband working has been on your children?

@Fridafever pardon?
I was asking a genuine question in response to PP saying she can see the impact now her children are older. My children are young still so I was asking her what she felt the impact was.

Sorry fair enough then I misread your tone.

@Fridafever no problem, I probably should’ve quoted! I have read it back and it doesn’t come across the way I intended. I did just genuinely want to know.

How much would that cost????? With only ONE salary coming in?

Where I live it, it could be nothing. Part time qualification funding doesn't take family income or previous qualifications into account. It only considers your individual income. However given my 1st two degrees came courtesy of the tax payer, I'm not so entitled to keep going until they get around to changing the rules so am paying for this one myself (with money which isn't dh's).

I just pointed out that being a SAHM isn't the equivalent of being employed which is a fact.

Which I happen to agree with. Its also not the same as being unemployed though (quite probably a political decision to keep unemployment statistics as low as possible but still).
I also believe it should be a joint decision between both parents, revisited regularly. My personal ideal scenario would be we both worked 4 days a week. Dh is not on board though.

Honestly, if you are referring to them, in themselves, how can you measure?

You would need to be able to see how they were like in alternate reality, where I don’t work.

or do you want a list of all the ways my kids amaze me everyday? How I am incredibly proud of them? Which will probably read like a list that most parents would write?

or a list of the financial security they have? That’s been impacted by my work.

what exactly would you like to know?

Just so you know my question back was genuine as well

@SinaraSmith I had noticed in a previous post, you said now your children were older you could see the impact you working had had on them. So I was wondering what it was you saw. As you say, I suppose it’s hard to know without having something to compare to but I was just interested in what it is about them you perceive to be down to you working.

@Louise0701

My kids are impacted in lots if positive ways by my work.

Financial security, work ethics, career satisfaction. Flexibility. Excellent work life balance.

I can’t say anything is, specifically, down to working. Apart from the financial security I have built for them for their future.

I do know they are well round people. Confident, measured and happy. Dd dealt with a situation, today, and I was really impressed with her approach. She dealt with it far better than I would have at the same age. She found a way to speak to up, clearly and concisely to someone in a position of power and got the desired outcome.

But is how they are down to them? How I am? How I parent?, the influence of my parents or their friends or teachers? Because I work? Because I work from home some of the time and they witness me dealing with lots of situations they wouldn’t if I worked solely outside the home? Or a combination. Or non of it.

What I do know is that I would not change any of the big decisions I made. Working, ending my marriage, taking promotions, taking them to work, letting them see me work?

I think that what is important, is that I can’t see any negative impact. We are all close, they definitely know they are loved and cared for and know they can come to me for anything anytime and I am there.

@Topgub @SinaraSmith thanks for answering

@SinaraSmith

think that what is important, is that I can’t see any negative impact. We are all close, they definitely know they are loved and cared for and know they can come to me for anything anytime and I am there.

exactly

Its a bit worrying that women married to and co parenting with wp don't know this

Agree with you both. If children don’t feel loved and cared for, that’s because they have shit parents. Not because their parents either work or stay home.

Agree with you both. If children don’t feel loved and cared for, that’s because they have shit parents. Not because their parents either work or stay home.

Thats exactly it.

I've definitely suffered negative impacts from having a SAHM parent. With nothing else in her life, she became overly controlling and dictatorial over her children and (I suspect in retrospect) had some mental health problems which impacted on them. As an adult I have a strained relationship with her.

That's an issue with my mother, not SAHMs in general though. (And one reason why I wouldn't be a SAHM as I didn't have a model of a family with a "good" SAHP dynamic and didn't want the same thing to happen to my children).

To be clear, this is a specific example. I'm not suggesting all SAHMs are like that any more than all WOHMs must have bad relationships with their children as they hardly see them.

@Louise0701

To answer your question about how having a working mother has impacted children from my perspective:

My ex husband really wanted me to work less but was also not prepared to contribute financially to a commensurate degree (I know the maths don’t work). In the course of a year he started to be verbally and sometimes physically abusive and then randomly left his job without consulting me first because he wanted to “start his own business”. If I had given up or scaled back work I would be royally fucked by now. I would have lost my home.

Now, eight years on I am in a strong position financially and my DD has witnessed me taking control of a situation and using it to improve her chances.

Obviously this is fairly extreme and not something most SAHMs face. But it’s worth remembering that those people who go on about how “boring” it is to be focused on work have probably not been in this position.

Sometimes having a job can be the difference between being destitute and making a huge success of your life. It’s not just about lifestyle.

Money. That's the bottom line really. I know it doesn't guarantee happiness, but not having enough of it certainly has potential to make you unhappy.
I grew up in a family with nothing spare for extras. I wouldn't say we were "poor" as I was never hungry, and there were certainly kids in my school who were, but I had no hobbies to speak of, never got to go on school trips, couldn't have the music lessons I would have loved, my clothes were hand me downs or off the market etc etc. I didn't want that for my children if it could be avoided, and as I had significant earning potential it could be.
I've never actually spent huge amounts on material possessions- they've never had designer clothes or the latest phones and gadgets and actually have a lot less "stuff" than many of their peers - but have been able to support hobbies, they have travelled quite a bit and so on.
My DD has been able to make her hobby her profession and she would probably never have even had the hobby without my income so its obviously had a big impact on her life. She akso has considerably less student debt than she otherwise would have and we plan to do the same for the others.
Yes, in an ideal world I would have liked longer at home when they were very young, but to be brutally honest, for myself as much as them, as juggling home and work was absolutely back breaking at times in the early years. But I didn't have the kind of profession where an extended break was really possible. I had to either stick at it or give up completely. So I opted for short term pain for long term gain. Looking at my happy and successful teens/young adults now, I feel it paid off. They have had so many more opportunities than I did, or than they would have done without my income and I believe their lives are better as a result.

I have the same experience.