Why are people on here so pressed about the existence of SAHMs?

[DaffodilsandCoffee]

It’s fair enough to point out the existence of certain downsides are risks, but there seems to be so much spite and resentment on here. Why are some posters do angry at the existence of women who prefer to do all the childcare themselves rather than outsource some of it? Also, are they equally as angry at SAHDs? (I know it’s not as common but I personally know 3)

SAHM are unemployed and unfortunately you can't add it onto your CV.

You can't have it all in life. Own your title but you cannot go around lying and claiming false titles!

It was a positive for my children to have more adults in their lives who cared and were concerned for their well-being and let them
build confidence and independence.

Emm you are supporting and perpetuating sexist gender roles with this nonsense about how men should be “proud” to financially support a non working partner. And that women should have some right to demand not to work. It’s not for one person in a couple to decide on their own that the other will support them financially!

can you imagine if a man came on here demanding his partner not work and stay at home with the kids? It would be seen as incredibly sexist. Because it is. So is a woman demanding her partner work and support her while she stays at home.

it needs to be a joint decision.

Does your child feel less loved by their Dad? Because their Dad worked?

That's circumstantial imo. My dad missed every birthday between my birth and my 21st. He missed my 1st graduation because of work (and my 2nd but I'll let him off given he was dead). I was dragged pillar to post across Europe because of his work. I had no real home and no sense of permanence. When he returned after an absence when I was 4 or so, I had no clue who this strange man picking me up was. As a child I absolutely felt unloved by him. Dh feels similarly about his father who used work to avoid family life. One of my friends has a husband who spent most of 2020 and 2021 stuck in Azerbaijan. His young children have definitely struggled with their relationship with their father.

unfortunately you can't add it onto your CV.

No but I could add the degree I got whilst a sahm and the one I'm currently working on plus all the voluntary work I do if I ever need an up-to-date CV.

@Dinosauratemydaffodils

That must have been tough -- my dad was also a total workaholic and I always felt he prioritised career success over a happy family life, although I was never in any doubt that he loved me. But these are fairly extreme examples.

A parent (of either sex) who goes to work in an office five days a week to support their children isn't going to be loved any less than a non-working parent purely because they aren't at home during office hours.

@Dinosauratemydaffodils there's no but. I'm not arguing. I'm not impressed either. I can't live my life on "could" and hypothetical talk.

We "could" all do some things. Some people are so entitled. Once your child imgas started school I see no real purpose of being a SAHM. It's not for the benefit of the child... did your adult child tell you that? There's a lot of delusion on this thread.

Your doing multiple degrees BUT for what? Voluntary work to gain what type of job? Is one degree not sufficient for the job you "could get" once your child has grown up.

It was a positive for my children to have more adults in their lives who cared and were concerned for their well-being and let them
build confidence and independence.

I would totally agree with this. Having close relationships with a number of trusted adults who play a part in rearing children is a net positive in my opinion.

People don't see it as a negative when childcare during working hours is provided by grandparents: why should it be considered a negative if the care is provided by a childminder who has had a long and trusted relationship with the child?

My daughter has been with her childminder for the past six years and has an extremely close relationship with her and I trust her totally. The fact that money chances hands makes no difference to the quality of the relationship with the child.

Your doing multiple degrees BUT for what? Voluntary work to gain what type of job? Is one degree not sufficient for the job you "could get" once your child has grown up.

This is such a depressing comment. Can you really not see any inherent value to education and to volunteer work?

Also don’t understand why so many sahm are upset by the term unemployed. You aren’t employed. There shouldn’t be such emotional attachment to that word.

The definition of unemployed requires you to be available for and actively looking for work. From a statistics perspective, economically inactive would be the correct term. It annoys me purely because as an ex civil servant I think it's inaccurate. I'm not looking for work. If I wanted a job I'd have one.

We aren’t talking about parents who are have very long absences. Most working parents don’t go away for months or years at a time. It’s not stay at home or be gone for years. There’s a million options between that.

If done properly, travelling with a parent for work can be done well, it’s worth saying. I know many people who have served in the forces and their adult kids adore them.

And that isn’t really what that post is about though. If a child feels less love because their parent goes to work 8/10/12 hours a day that’s because there are other things at play.

Yours and your Dps fathers really don’t have much to do with what I said or most workinf parents.

Thats like me saying dp doesn’t have a good bond with him mum. She was a sahp, until she walked out when he was 3 and has seen him once since. Which is true. It’s not reflective of most Sahms.

of course a child will have a harder time bonding or may have other issues with their parents if they were largely absent or negatively impacted the child.

and of course you can out a degree and volunteering on your CV. Again, not relevant to what was said.

My mother did child minding for a while. She had an incredible bond with her kids - and still meets some of them for coffee 15 years on. I think that's lovely.

But Sahms generally don’t like that term either.

I have seen many threads where Sahms claim to be good for the economy because they are our and about spending money during the day.

Please don't embarrass yourself on this thread.This Was not about education. I replied to a comment and my response held context. You seem to have gone off key.

You don't know me from Adam. I do value education and I'm all for it however most SAHM cannot afford the cost of 2 degrees whilst raising babies. How much would that cost????? With only ONE salary coming in??

Pardon me but I thought people doing multiple degrees was less common... since the fees and what not changed, the gas gas shot up and the pandemic.

But perhaps that poster obviously is VERY privilege to be able to afford that lifestyle which is good for her. This isn't the norm whilst raising babies and I certainly won't be supporting that narrative!

guess I’m just not a “decent human being” then seeing as I wouldn’t agree for ex dp to be at home while I worked full time to support him. Or does it not apply to men? Is it just men who parent successfully by working long hours while women have to be at home to be good parents?

In response to the comment last night that my husband must be from a 'backward' place, I think that's a very imperious, (not to mention imperialist) attitude to take.

Frankly, if it came down to a choice between a man who has principles and a motivation to provide for and protect his family - give me my husband any day of the week over the "get yourself back to work and earn 'your own' money you entitled, lazy scrounger' type of man that seem to be hailed as 'normal' and all you can expect on MN. But who needs men to do the misogyny, when women are internalising it and doing it for them. On a site for MOTHERS where it's now apparently 'not the done thing' to want to be around for your own children. Crazy!

At least my husband didn't try to diminish the impact of pregnancy and giving birth and the emotional and physical repercussions this can have for women. He didn't attempt to minimise this or treat it as an inconvenience. Nor does he have any concept of 'his' money. How can any father think like that? And why would you not want your children to be with their own mother if she's happy with that and you can afford it. Yet apparently, that's 'backward' on MN. Madness.

Why does it need to be one or the other? Why so extreme.

for many of us, neither those 2 types would be what we look for in a partner.

lets be honest the cultures where it’s shameful for a man not to enable his wife to stay at home, don’t have that view for the benefit of women.

At least my husband didn't try to diminish the impact of pregnancy and giving birth and the emotional and physical repercussions this can have for women. He didn't attempt to minimise this or treat it as an inconvenience.

is anyone's husband doing this?

Women are on here all the time asking if possibly their husband should be giving them a bit more of 'his money' because she's struggling on maternity leave and he's on £100k. Snd iff in holiday with his mates.That was just the thread yesterday, but it's all the time. What kind of men are we raising in this country? It makes me very sad because women seem to have been brainwashed that a family is not a unit. It's fine for men to keep 'his money' and whinge about having the support the mother if his own child to keep that child alive. No, you now have to minimise the impact of children because the overriding priority should now be 'being equal' to your DH. Apparently, this simply means earning the same as him. Your worth is monetary, basically. I think this is going backwards. It's just misogyny in a different guise and too many women are swallowing it, thinking it's 'equality' or 'independence' when it's blatantly not.

MN isn’t the entirely world. Or even the entire of the UK.

do you think people post here with ‘oh no, my partner treats us like team. I am so happy’

ffs ‘to keep that child alive’ really? It’s called parenting. You are incredibly dramatic.

You are taking situations that are shit and deciding it’s your way or this shit is the alternative.

our worth is just monetary? So your husbands worth is just monetary, then? That’s all he is? People who work are only worth the money they make. There’s nothing more to them? Nothing more to your husband. It does actually make sense that you think that.

so if your husbands only value is monetary? What’s yours?

Motherhood is not sainthood. sahm are just doing what’s best for their family, no one else. They don’t higher value in society, neither do working mums.

Agreeing to a partner to be a sahp and taking sole responsibility for finances because you will be shamed in your community is not choice.

deciding that mothers are the main parent and no other set up is acceptable is sexist. deciding men are not ‘real mean’ or ‘decent’ or good fathers based on only their monetary value to you, is wrong imo.

My kids are of an age where I can see what impact me working has had on them. Looking at them, I wouldn’t change thing. They certainly don’t see me as a walking cash machine.

it’s a shame that’s how you view your husband.

Exactly this!

Exactly, why is it such a problem that a woman could decide to do what she thinks is best for her family

Women are on here all the time asking if possibly their husband should be giving them a bit more of 'his money' because she's struggling on maternity leave and he's on £100k.

you are exaggerating wildly to say women are saying this 'all the time'. There are a small number of posts like this. As pointed out by a PP, the vast hoards of people who are not being financially abused during pregnancy don't tend to start threads about that

Sonata - I did not say my husband's only worth is money? What on earth are you talking about? I was responding to having been told repeatedly on this thread by certain posters that MY only value is money. If it should be because that's all there is apparently. Go to work or your doing 'nothing.' Oh and by the way, your husband secretly despised you to boot. This is women telling other women this - on MUMSnet, They can't conceive of the value of anything that's not monetised.

Your husband is from a culture where women should stay at home and look after children and the men should earn money to support that - and if they don't fall into those roles they're looked down upon ('shameful' was your word)?

Yet it's here on MN that you're seeing misogyny?

God help us. 😂

(MN is for parents, by the way, not 'MOTHERS' (and why the need to shout?))

Don’t reply if you can’t even be bothered to spell my name correctly

you posted No, you now have to minimise the impact of children because the overriding priority should now be 'being equal' to your DH. Apparently, this simply means earning the same as him. Your worth is monetary, basically.

No one else said anyones worth was only Monterey.

I have no issue with sahp. At all. However, I do have issues with your sexist POV, that are damaging to men women, encourage really awful gender stereotypes, encourage sexist cultural pressure.

I do have issues with women who want to canonise Motherhood. That also has an, overall, negative impact on women.

that’s why I am answering you. stay at home, good luck to you. That’s not the issue. It’s the damaging rhetoric that you are coming out with.

working mothers have been told on this thread they are mugs, that their children aren’t loved or cared for enough and so on. But I can still hold a conversation without having to do the same back.

We can go around in circles all day.