Why are people on here so pressed about the existence of SAHMs?

[DaffodilsandCoffee]

It’s fair enough to point out the existence of certain downsides are risks, but there seems to be so much spite and resentment on here. Why are some posters do angry at the existence of women who prefer to do all the childcare themselves rather than outsource some of it? Also, are they equally as angry at SAHDs? (I know it’s not as common but I personally know 3)

I just wish SO bad that people wouldn’t judge one another. If I’m not asking you to pay my bills, am not asking for any benefits whatsoever and me and my husband are happy with our solution- truly, truly, what is it to you? I agree with posters who say there must be a hint of jealousy. I am not jealous of anyone who works full time and has to manage everything around that. I know people think many SAHP are lazy. They’re entitled to that view. It doesn’t upset me or worry me because we all have our reasons for choosing the paths we have gone down.
The reason I try not to judge anyone’s choices is because I’ve been to hell and back with both my physical and mental health and I’ve been warned by mental health professionals that if I get too stressed I might suffer a complete mental health breakdown - again. That information is for me and my husband alone to consider and it’s not something I would tell just anyone. So nope, I don’t judge anyone. We never know what they have been through and silence is golden.

I think people on both sides of this discussion get emotional and feel defensive: working mothers because they sometimes worry they spend too much time away from their children, and SAHMs I don't know because I'm not one but I imagine a combination of financial vulnerability and the fear of working mothers looking down on one.

There is sometimes some very unpleasant rhetoric aimed at SAHMs, but it has to be said that it often works the other way around too.

I've lost count of the posts I've read which go (roughly): "I don't know why some people bother having children just to farm them out to childminders," or "You'll never get the time back." Or "mothers have an emotional bond which children which fathers can't replicate." Or "I'm facilitating his career."

The first two are plain spiteful. The last two are probably not spitefully intended but they are utter bollocks.

That sort of rhetoric is pretty common on these threads and I will be the first to admit, as a working single mother, who has literally no choice at all about whether or not to work, that I have risen to the bait when this sort of bullshit gets trotted out and responded in a less than kind fashion.

I dare say SAHMs have probably responded in an equal way when working mothers make equally insensitive comments (such as "you must be so bored" or "don't you miss using your brain?").

It's a highly emotionally-wrought topic and one which its difficult not to see as a personal attack when you're on the receiving end.

Being a SAHM, in my mind, is a luxury that I cannot imagine ever being able to do and it is a position of privilege that one earner can support an entire family. I'm sure that many will disagree with me though.

I’m so glad I’ve never really come across this outside of hearing others anecdotes. I’m genuinely happy to work outside the home but can equally understand why someone would choose not to. I have a good balance and have been lucky enough when my kids were small to work part time and straddle both worlds 😂 We’re all just doing what is best for us and our families.

I think that it should be possible for a family to live on one income, from either parent. Or on two part time incomes. It should be a realistic choice for everyone. I’m sure plenty would still prefer to stay two income households, but you’d get some people going for it if it was more financially viable.

I've kind of changed my views on this recently. I was always of the "I'd go out of my mind if i didn't work" school of thought, and I did love my job. But circumstances change, and I have been forced to take (very) early retirement due to health issues. Now I would like my health back, but in all honesty, I really rather like not working. Admittedly I am not in the typical SAHM situation in that I still have an independent income and as my children are teenagers and above there is not a lot of physical parenting to do. But I don't miss work. I'm doing some voluntary work very much on my terms so on "bad" days healthwise I can stay in bed if I need to and on "good" days I can be very productive and I get lots of mental stimulation that way. I feel a lot more fulfilled and appreciated in my voluntary work than I did in my well paid but highly stressful professional role.
But, I have noticed people's attitude has changed towards me now I don't work. People I am meeting for the first time view me as dull or stupid if I say I don't work. I tend to describe myself as a SAHM because I'm obviously too young to be "normally" retired and wgen I first meet someone I don't really want to go into my health issues which always happens if I say I'm retired. It's been quite illuminating and has made me reappraise my own attitude to SAHMs in the past. I think I've been guilty of stereotyping without knowing people and their circumstances.
That said, I have been on the receiving end of that kind of thing as a working mother too, so it cuts both ways. And I did have to bite my tongue very hard when a relative of mine who is a SAHM and was very critical of my decision to work when my chikdren were younger, had the gall to ask me for financial help...

All the FT working mums I know hate the fact they have to do it, but they do it for that reason; because they have to! They always look frazzled and stressed and seem to be rushing around.

Conversely all of the ones I know are happy and could drop to part time but didn't want to. Everyone is different, and this is the issue with this type of thread, instead of people talking about their experiences they post assumptions and stuff like this about the 'other side'.

@Goldijobsandthe3bears but lots of us do use our time to do “stimulating things”
People seem to assume if you are SAHM that you don’t do anything other than parenting 24/7. Lots of us volunteer, study etc but people choose to think we do nothing useful.

I won't admit to jealousy because I'm fucking not. Normally I don't care about how others choose to live their lives. The only time it winds me up is when I see women get royally shafted in the event of a break up. My two penneth? Keep your hand in. Part time at least. Unless you have watertight finances of course.

Didn’t you already say that further up the thread? So is the parenting part not useful 🤣 If I was a SAHM it would be out of necessity as I wouldn’t choose it so getting childcare so I could volunteer would be foolish in my situation. I’m speaking for myself and what I need for stimulation not commenting on what any else needs or does. Your comment just seems defensive.

I don't have anything against STAHP generally but I do roll my eyes at the whole "being a stay at home parent is sooooo much harder than working" comments. No it's not unless you worked an unskilled job with no career and no prospects and no responsibility prior to having children. Equally "life admin" is not a job and cannot be compared to one either

I think we could take a lot of the heat out of this debate by stopping pretending we understand what it's like for the other "camp".

I have never been a SAHM and I have no idea what its like. I like working and my gut feeling is that even if I could stop work I wouldn't. But I wouldn't presume that all SAHMs are thick or unmotivated or lazy. I wouldn't be so arrogant as to assume SAHMs are one big mass of people with similar motivations or that I understand their lives, because I don't.

It would be nice to have this courtesy extended the other way around. I am categorically not jealous of SAHMs and I'm pretty sure most working mums don't feel like this either. This is insulting. Neither do I work because I want to "farm out" my child or because I am some ball-breaking "career bitch" who is only interested in making money.

It works both ways.

Defensive of what?

Personally I find it unusual when people stay off when their kids are in FT schooling BUT I would never ever say anything as that’s just plain rude and unnecessary and there could be a perfectly good reason which equally isn’t my business.

I could be a SAHM but I pick to work three days a week, pleasant easy job.
I get to be myself and not just my child's mum.
Get the social side of seeing adults.
I was low paid before meeting my husband so he has only helped me in life.
Child loves nursery and never looks back when going in.
I can get us lunch out, snacks and general treats without worrying I'm spending too much as it's my money not joint funds.

I'm definitely a better person for working part time then being at home all day with a toddler. Once at school I can help fund house DIY work.

I’ve done both, I had a career break with one of my children due to a relocation so I can say I know what it is like on both sides of the coin and neither is wrong or bad and people should definitely stop shaming each other and giving these thoughts head space. I know people never say these things to men but I’m 100% sure knowing my DH as well as I do, he wouldn’t give a shiny shite if they did and just wouldn’t take it on board.

That's so true, @Eupraxia ! The few SAHM's I know are very comfortably off and certainly don't appear stressed to me. Essentially, they have the financial means to do whatever they want. One Mum has four young adult children and is very involved in local charities, she has a business background and uses her considerable skills to raise A LOT of money for the community. I admire her drive to help other people and her DH seems happy to support her, they don't need additional income. Another SAHM has just one 17-year-old and could easily (with some additional training) go back into nursing as there's a huge shortage of nurses in our area. But she chooses not to and again, her DH doesn't seem to mind, he adores her.

I know many SAHM's aren't in such comfortable positions and I don't think it would suit me, but I don't begrudge their choices.

I realised during maternity leave that I wouldn't like being a SAHM, it was never an option as DH is the lower earner in our family so if anyone was going to give up work it would have been him.

It just never appealed to me though, I love my daughter more than anything and enjoy the time we spend together immensely but I needed to have something that was for me, something that would challenge me and make me strive for promotion. I wanted to know that when DD grew up and didn't need me as much that I would have options.

We found a wonderful nursery, we juggled shifts to limit the number of hours she would need to be in childcare and to make sure when she moved to school that we could do drop off and pick up.

DD will be 8 in a couple of weeks, she's happy, well adjusted, doing fantastically in school, she knows she's loved and speaks proudly of my job 'mummy is a big boss'.

I couldn't care less what other mums do, I know that I did the right thing for me and my family.

It does royally piss me off though when I read that people like me have 'outsourced parenting' or 'chosen not to parent our children'.

I am as much a mum as someone who chooses to stay at home with their child all day.

I think this is where the argument gets heated on here.... working parents still have the school runs to do cleaning washing and so on. If the house is messier because you choose to be at home... well that person has time on their hands don't they. I guess it's a bit like complaing to your boss you have to work in order to get your salary I mean its unheard of isn't it.

@Thepeopleversuswork

The idea that wm are jealous of sahm is nonsense.

What is there to be jealous of?

I genuinely don't care either way but the idea that you need to be in paid employment to have 'stimulating' conversation is just bonkers ...the vast majority of jobs are pretty routine although everyone on Mumsnet seems to earn a huge salary and have an intellectually stimulating career . I am reminded of when my DM returned to work after years of being a SAHM ... she was worried about what she would talk about but came home disgusted as the conversations had all been about soap opera and other trivia .

I worked in media and find looking after a baby and toddler harder on an hour by hour basis.

@Cameleongirl I don't think your SAHM friend would of been able to go back to nursing just like that evening with training she would of had to pay for her registration to keep it upto date and I can't remember the exact rule but you do need to have worked as a nurse after a period of time.

Usually jealously.

^^ Are you genuinely proud that your DD says 'mummy is the big boss'? Does that mean that if mummy works on the checkout at a supermarket, or care assistant or retail worker that her DD thinks any less of her?