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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why are people on here so pressed about the existence of SAHMs?

774 replies

DaffodilsandCoffee · 01/05/2022 18:21

It’s fair enough to point out the existence of certain downsides are risks, but there seems to be so much spite and resentment on here. Why are some posters do angry at the existence of women who prefer to do all the childcare themselves rather than outsource some of it? Also, are they equally as angry at SAHDs? (I know it’s not as common but I personally know 3)

OP posts:
5128gap · 01/05/2022 18:43

Louise0701 · 01/05/2022 18:30

a lot of it is jealousy but they will never admit and it and they will go out of their way to deny this is the case.
they will say things such as; I’m not jealous of someone being financially vulnerable or similar.

in reality; the vast manority of people work because they have to, not because they want to. If these people claiming they would never be a SAHM won £200 million on the lottery I doubt they’d continue to work in these jobs they claim to love to much.

All the FT working mums I know hate the fact they have to do it, but they do it for that reason; because they have to! They always look frazzled and stressed and seem to be rushing around.

I wouldn't have done it if you paid me more than my salary from work. In the (thankfully) short period I did it, I nearly went out of my mind with boredom and frustration. Not to mention the relentlessness of never having a minute where I could choose what I did. My paid work was an utter pleasure by comparison.
If women enjoy it, all power to them, but it wouldn't make a lot of women happy, so I doubt any negativity is based in jealousy.
I think people get a bit annoyed if SAHMs act like it's a superior choice and either judge or pity women who work, but otherwise, who cares?

Original poster
DaffodilsandCoffee · 01/05/2022 18:43

Hardbackwriter · 01/05/2022 18:41

I wish people didn't so worked up about whether or not other mothers work, but they absolutely, viciously do - in both directions. I also wish that people wouldn't get so worked up about how someone else gives birth, feeds their baby, whether or not they sleep train, etc etc etc to infinitum. But I'm pretty certain the root cause is the same in all those cases - lots of women feel anxious about whether they mother 'well enough', and finding another group they consider to be doing it worse (or, sometimes, that they can denounce as 'smug') makes them feel much better. It's like a two minute hate; gets all the negative feelings out, attaches them to someone else, they can then feel better about their own choices.

This is probably it. I definitely worry about doing everything wrong or not well enough.

OP posts:
Eupraxia · 01/05/2022 18:44

If you reframe the question as: If you won £10 million on the lottery, would you stay working? then most would happily give up working. Spend time with their children, volunteer, or take a part time job to keep you busy rather than pay the bills.

But frame it as becoming a SAHM and people can't imagine anything so boring as giving up work. As though if they were millionaires they'd still insist on continuing their job, just for the fun of it. Clearly with zero desire to want to retire.

signsofsafety · 01/05/2022 18:44

I don't recognise what you describe.

I think lots of people know someone who has been left in an incredibly poor position due to having come out of the workplace and then their marriage or partnership ending for whatever reason, a certain amount is just frustration at women seemingly constantly putting themselves into similar positions.

Onlyforcake · 01/05/2022 18:45

Because you're not allowed to enjoy parenthood. Society only values your income.

But mainly. Because online everyone loves someone to stick the boot into.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 01/05/2022 18:46

Mostly I think they’re probably jealous. I know I was when mine were small. It used to really grate on me when SAHMs went on abort being soooo busy. I used to think ffs, I do everything you do and work as well.

I think it would bothered me less if they'd acknowledged they were in a privileged position rather than moaning. Most people would love to be in the privileged position of not having to work to make ends meet.

Ponderingwindow · 01/05/2022 18:46

I am legitimately scared for any person who has dependent children and no marketable skills. The women and occasional men who become SAHP without any work experience or marketable education make me nervous because they sometimes end up in a position where they can’t afford to leave bad situations. My only wish is that any person who decides to become a SAHP has a backup plan for entering the workforce and utilizing childcare if needed. It can mean living a spartan lifestyle, but that ability to walk away and know you and your kids will be ok is invaluable.

Original poster
DaffodilsandCoffee · 01/05/2022 18:47

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 01/05/2022 18:46

Mostly I think they’re probably jealous. I know I was when mine were small. It used to really grate on me when SAHMs went on abort being soooo busy. I used to think ffs, I do everything you do and work as well.

I think it would bothered me less if they'd acknowledged they were in a privileged position rather than moaning. Most people would love to be in the privileged position of not having to work to make ends meet.

I can understand that being annoying. What I would say though is that being at home all day with kids can create a ton more mess than if they’re out, it does for me and undoing the day’s chaos is a lot of what makes me feel shattered. Not that coming home from work, doing dinner and bedtime routines and so on isnt also knackering.

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 01/05/2022 18:47

I didn’t have kids so I’ve got no skin in the game either way but it’s a common theme on here with women whose marriages broke up that their screwed financially because they gave up work, nursery fees etc outweighing income etc.

I just think it’s short sighted.

Squidlette · 01/05/2022 18:48

It's like the bf thing.
I've never said anything disparaging to a sahm, but doing the party trail every weekend I did get lots of:"Oh I couldn't leave my children" "I'm lucky my dh works really hard for us" ".
Likewise with bf, I never commented on bottle feeders, but I was told that bf was 'weird'.

YvanEhtNiojYvanEhtNioj · 01/05/2022 18:51

emsyj37 · 01/05/2022 18:32

Where is this thread of negativity? I've never seen anything like that on here. I have seen very angry responses from SAH posters who don't like it being pointed out that giving up work to be financially dependent on a man is a risky strategy - I think some of them take this as an indication that others are jealous or resentful, but I don't believe that assumption to be true.

🙄

There is utter contempt for SAHMs on here. You don't notice it because you don't want to.

danni92 · 01/05/2022 18:53

Jealousy. Pure and simple.

Overthebow · 01/05/2022 18:55

I don't have a problem with SAHMs, if it works for their family and they can afford to do it then good for them. I do have a problem who choose to be SAHMs and then claim UC or tax credits to pay for their choice to not work.

JollyWilloughby · 01/05/2022 18:57

I was a SAHM for 8 years. I loved it and I feel fortunate I was able to have that time totally dedicated to my 3 children. Absolutely loved it.

Since then I’ve done an OU degree and I now work in a job I really enjoy and has great career prospects. I love working.

Basically I’ve sat on both sides of the fence (my youngest is 7) and I’ve enjoyed being on both sides.

Fr0thandBubble · 01/05/2022 18:57

I think a lot of it is jealousy. I work very long hours and barely see my children. I wish I could have been a SAHP when they were young but as the main breadwinner we couldn't have afforded it.

Having said that, when all the children are at school, I do think SAHP should find some work during school hours (to the extent they can). I have to admit to being a bit scornful of people who don't work in those circumstances - I think it's a bit lazy, doesn't set a great example to children and can give rise to a real imbalance of power in a relationship.

Viviennemary · 01/05/2022 18:59

Delusional beliefs.Like all money is shared legally. No matter who earns it. Absolute nonsense.

Movingdreams · 01/05/2022 19:02

I think people who love to criticise either working mums or SAHM’s do so because they have an axe to grind about their own situation and wish to stick the boot in to others to make themselves feel better.

As a SAHM I have been on the receiving end of some nasty and undeserved comments from working mums, and yet I couldn’t care less if other women work or are a SAHM etc. DH pointed out that the woman who verbally attacked me 3 times at DS’ 4th birthday party for being a SAHM may have been jealous that I have the financial choice to be a SAHM whereas she might not. Or she could just be a cow.

Conversely, any SAHM who criticises working mums could be jealous of the career opportunities, consistent work history, financial independence, adult company and conversation that a working mum may have.

Everyone should just stick to what works for them and not concern themselves with what other people do, but then most people would hate that as it’s human nature not to!

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 01/05/2022 19:02

Im a sahm just because of circumstances (postpartum psychosis/breakdown afterwards). I dislike it but can't find a job. I've had a few bitchy comments along the lines of don't you miss adult conversations/keeping up with current affairs/what if dh left me but most people don't care either way imo.

MiniatureHotdog · 01/05/2022 19:02

It's weird. I don't come across any SAHP hate in real life, nor vice versa any hate for working parents. I only see it on mumsnet. Most of my friends seem happy with their various set ups and it doesn't come up in conversation really.

The one time I witnessed catty comments it was clearly because the person wasn't happy themselves and was justifying their situation by putting others down. Not pleasant but quite transparent. I've only seen it once though.

Divebar2021 · 01/05/2022 19:02

I suppose there are times when I would have liked to have been a SAHM - usually when I’m getting up early for my commute. I’m lucky though since I’m part time with lots of flexibility and my job brings me into contact with people I would never meet if I was at home. What’s irritating though are the conversations about from SAHMs about how to get back to work after 5 /7/8 years out when they only want school hours and school holidays off… because wrap around care is clearly not for the likes of them. That’s annoying ~ I don’t have time for that debate.

opalescent · 01/05/2022 19:03

Louise0701 · 01/05/2022 18:30

a lot of it is jealousy but they will never admit and it and they will go out of their way to deny this is the case.
they will say things such as; I’m not jealous of someone being financially vulnerable or similar.

in reality; the vast manority of people work because they have to, not because they want to. If these people claiming they would never be a SAHM won £200 million on the lottery I doubt they’d continue to work in these jobs they claim to love to much.

All the FT working mums I know hate the fact they have to do it, but they do it for that reason; because they have to! They always look frazzled and stressed and seem to be rushing around.

Agreed. I am a working mum, on a very average NHS salary. I guess I am envious of people in a financial position to have those kind of choices.
That said, there is also another part of me (that I am reluctant to acknowledge), that is uncomfortable with the idea of being financially 'looked after' by a husband. I guess it feels a bit 1950s. I also have gained so much from my career on a personal level, that I do feel that non working mums are missing out on a lot.

Those are my brutally honest thoughts. I totally accept that they are totally my own issues, are hugely stereotypical, and basically, probably wrong. I've tried to be truthful in the spirit of the thread, and don't intend any offence at all.

Original poster
DaffodilsandCoffee · 01/05/2022 19:03

Movingdreams · 01/05/2022 19:02

I think people who love to criticise either working mums or SAHM’s do so because they have an axe to grind about their own situation and wish to stick the boot in to others to make themselves feel better.

As a SAHM I have been on the receiving end of some nasty and undeserved comments from working mums, and yet I couldn’t care less if other women work or are a SAHM etc. DH pointed out that the woman who verbally attacked me 3 times at DS’ 4th birthday party for being a SAHM may have been jealous that I have the financial choice to be a SAHM whereas she might not. Or she could just be a cow.

Conversely, any SAHM who criticises working mums could be jealous of the career opportunities, consistent work history, financial independence, adult company and conversation that a working mum may have.

Everyone should just stick to what works for them and not concern themselves with what other people do, but then most people would hate that as it’s human nature not to!

What did the woman at the party say? I’ve never actually had anything like that irl, but on Mumsnet the contempt feels overwhelming.

OP posts:
LethargeMarg · 01/05/2022 19:03

I was a sahm after my second child was born and was at home for officially five years- had a third child in that time, I did loads of voluntary work during that time and took a gcse so was quite busy . It was a great time in many ways - had loads of time , loads of mates , read lots of books and did lots of baking with radio 4 on in the background and I think I probably am a bit jealous of sahms now my kids are older and life is very full on and stressful. I definitely think it's easier being a sahm than working and being a parent at the same time and I do think this shouldn't be an issue to say and people should'nt be so defensive about this . When I went back to work that time in the morning before dropping at childminders then charging to work , racing home doing all housework on day off or weekends, huge panic if child is ill and need to ring work etc...
the things that were really hard as a sahm were lack of money and having such a different life to dh- we had very little to talk about as he was run ragged at work and I had my sahm bubble in our village.
If money was no option I would happily give up work but would want to do something out of enjoyment rather than need.

ThinkAboutItTomorrow · 01/05/2022 19:03

Louise0701 · 01/05/2022 18:30

a lot of it is jealousy but they will never admit and it and they will go out of their way to deny this is the case.
they will say things such as; I’m not jealous of someone being financially vulnerable or similar.

in reality; the vast manority of people work because they have to, not because they want to. If these people claiming they would never be a SAHM won £200 million on the lottery I doubt they’d continue to work in these jobs they claim to love to much.

All the FT working mums I know hate the fact they have to do it, but they do it for that reason; because they have to! They always look frazzled and stressed and seem to be rushing around.

This is kind of true, for me at least.

I wouldn't have liked to stay home when they were tiny as it was so boring. Very different if we won the lottery so had all the help you could want to outsource the tedium.

Likewise I work because I want to (we could change lifestyle & I stay home) and pre-kids I was a trailing spouse for a few years without a work visa but I got so bored (in Manhattan!). if I won the lottery we'd both not work so it would be different.

But OH MY GOD there are days when I see the SAHMs at drop off just off for a run and planning a coffee later when I have a day of back to back meetings and some are a shit show and I'm so bloody jealous of the SaHM!

Doesn't mean I'd be mean or sneery or I really seriously regret my choices, but sure, the grass looks greener some days!

Brefugee · 01/05/2022 19:04

I literally don't care if people are WOH, SAH, part-time or whatever. What i do care is people who think their way must be the only and best way. And given how much we talk about it, here and elsewhere, i get a real eye-roll "agrhh" reaction when i see someone who is totally subsumed by doing everything, has no access to money, maybe not even name on the mortgage going all wide-eyed and faux-naive when we point out that it is daft to get into that position.