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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Patience thin with SIL

194 replies

ZillyZel · 28/04/2022 08:32

Sister In law is a lovely person, I do like her and she works hard as a nurse and puts up with my brother - god knows how. They recently had a baby together - all happy and healthy, we celebrated alongside them and I adore my new nephew.

But. She is posting pictures daily. New personalised outfits for baby, '4 weeks old today, 5 weeks old today' etc, Easter outfits, sharing every detail over social media and sent to me via WhatsApp.

Now she's posting memes with her pictures, one of which today says along the lines of 'until you become a Mother, you'll never know deep, true love...' etc.

My patience is wearing thin, because I can't possibly say anything, I wouldn't want to upset her, but it's hard - after a long TTC journey ended without success for me personally, I've come to terms with being childless and I'm looking to foster, but I think it's cruel to say you can't possibly know 'love' if you're not a mother - there are all kinds of deep bonds, relationships and connections in life, surely?

OP posts:
violetbunny · 28/04/2022 08:34

That must be very hard for you, but I think you would be unreasonable to spoil her happiness. Are you able to adjust your social media settings so you no longer see her posts (or fewer of them)?

Squealier · 28/04/2022 08:34

Ugh. I don't blame you at all. Can't bear all that mythologising about motherhood. I would put it down to temporary insanity brought on by hormones, mute her on all social media. Best of luck with your journey Flowers

123ZYX · 28/04/2022 08:39

I agree about muting her on social media.

I'd also ask your brother to have a word with her and explain that, although your happy for her and you love your nephew/ niece, it's difficult for you, and ask that she doesn't send you as many WhatsApp messages - could she just send occasional photos, rather than all the memes a well, perhaps.

Alternatively, mute her on WhatsApp as well and just check when you're in the right head space

DockOTheBay · 28/04/2022 08:39

Sorry to hear about this, it sounds really insensitive. I assume she doesn't know about your TTC journey?

Can you unfollow her on Facebook? You would still be friends, she could see your posts and her yours, but only if you went looking - they wouldn't appear on your wall.

Does she share the memes on WhatsApp to you directly or just photos? If photos i would probably just not reply to every single one, but do respond occasionally to show you do want to see them but maybe not every day! If she's sending you memes I would probably have to say something and ask her to stop

Original poster
ZillyZel · 28/04/2022 08:43

@violetbunny she sends them to me directly on WhatsApp, pictures are lovely to see but the memes not so much!

@Squealier I should have expected it - when they got a puppy at the start of lockdown she bought personalised bunting, balloons, outfits etc for the dog's 1st birthday and said true love was the unconditional love of a dog - bless her, I genuinely wouldn't have the energy to organise all that!

OP posts:
Whatsmyname100 · 28/04/2022 08:45

Ah I can understand it's tough for you but don't burst her bubble. The baby is brand new and she will get tired of it soon as the harder parts start. Maybe just mute her and reply every few days instead.

Newpuppymummy · 28/04/2022 08:45

Unfollow her on Facebook. I can understand your pain but she is entitled to post excess photos

CuddlyCactus · 28/04/2022 08:46

You can mute her on WhatsApp so you can either just go in and look at them when you're ready if you want to or just delete them.
If it's any consolation it's PFB and will die down as time goes on

Ponoka7 · 28/04/2022 08:49

I don't think that you've quite come to terms with not going through a pregnancy/birth experience. You certainly haven't come to terms with being childless because you are thinking of fostering. Fostering a child is beyond any responsibility that you've ever known. It wouldn't be wrong for you to say that, just like it isn't wrong for your SIL to declare what she has. It will be part hormonal. If we didn't bond via the hormones, we'd put the baby down and run. The SM side is easy to sort out. The private messages not so much. There's no way of telling her to send you less pictures without it causing a rift.

Notonthestairs · 28/04/2022 08:50

Mute. Just reply every few days. Spread the responses out.
She's got a lovely Oxytocin high.
Things will steady as time moves on.
For now your views don't align (of course you don't need children to understand love!!) so step away for now and prioritise your own feelings.

I'm so glad I didn't have SM when I had my kids - I'm pretty sure the combination of sleep deprivation and hormones made me believe I finally understood the universe Blush

Ponoka7 · 28/04/2022 08:50

If the memes are on WA then that you can speak to your brother about.

girlmom21 · 28/04/2022 08:51

The Facebook posts are fine. Unfollow her.

The WhatsApp memes are really insensitive.

Original poster
ZillyZel · 28/04/2022 08:52

I should clarify, I love seeing the pictures of my nephew (even if there are thousands!) and wouldn't want to unfollow her as I'd miss them - it's specifically the memes about motherhood being the meaning of life etc that I'm finding hurtful.

But I don't want her to feel she has to censor herself or damage the relationship. I don't think she means it, she'd be sad if she thought I was hurt.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 28/04/2022 08:53

Anyone sending me a WhatsApp meme about not knowing love until you’re a mother would get blocked. That’s totally out of order and hugely insensitive.

The other stuff I would just mute.

Holly60 · 28/04/2022 08:55

Bless her she sounds a bit overzealous but there is no malice there. It's really nice she is involving you, although i can clearly see why it would be painful for you.

Are you not close enough to give them some indication of the journey you are on? That might help to explain if you need to take time out from all the memes

PurpleDaisies · 28/04/2022 08:55

I don't think she means it, she'd be sad if she thought I was hurt.

In that case I’d send a message back saying just that. Tell her that since you’re not a mother, receiving a meme like that is upsetting and you want her to stop. See what happens. Maybe she will stop. At least then you’ve given her the chance to do the right thing. She’s being really insensitive.

LookItsMeAgain · 28/04/2022 08:59

Could you lay your cards on the table with her. The phrasing would be in your own words but something like "I realise that you're over the moon that Baby Name is here now but I'm after having another failed IVF attempt and I'm finding all of your direct messages to me overwhelming and upsetting. I also know that you'd not want to be upsetting anyone as you're just so happy that Baby Name is in our lives. So, I'm asking you politely, if you could just send me on the photos of Baby Name and nothing else for the moment. Could you do that for me please?"

Original poster
ZillyZel · 28/04/2022 09:03

@PurpleDaisies I think I'll do that, I'll make it clear I love the photo updates but the memes sent to me directly are a bit hurtful. Hopefully that's reasonable?

To reply to PP - yes she's aware I can't have biological children due to medical issues, though it's never been discussed in detail.

She had been asking when we going to 'finally' have DC and the questions/jokes about 'don't leave it too late!' for a while a few years ago so I told her unfortunately we had tried for years and had several failed surgeries/procedures. Nothing more was mentioned!

OP posts:
CoreyTaylorsbiggestfan · 28/04/2022 09:07

Those memes are stupid! When we were struggling to ttc, IVF the lot and I used to see those memes and think how daft that made people look!
I don't know true love because I don't have a child??!! Wtf!
I would be messaging her back if she's sending you these and gush about the photo of your nephew and how much you love him etc but maybe she should re think the memes as it's hurtful to people who don't have children!
All these posts about the oxytocin love and how's she's in a bubble etc that doesn't make you an idiot with these stupid memes.
I love my daughter, I don't love her more than my husband it's a different love, like I don't love my mam like my husband, like I don't love my sister like my mam you have different love depending on the relationship!

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/04/2022 09:08

She’s sending you memes directly? That’s totally unacceptable. You’ve got to say something. Her happiness does not trump your pain. I agree with @LookItsMeAgain. A direct and well thought out message.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 28/04/2022 09:11

I think mute the group stuff so you dip in and out when you feel able, then ask your brother to have a quiet word about the memes directly to you and your ttc discussion with her.

LadyEloise10 · 28/04/2022 09:11

Gosh she hasn't much empathy has she ?
And she's a nurse.
I'm sorry OP but she doesn't sound like a really nice person.
All this over the top posting on Facebook and Whats App.....

Tothepoint99 · 28/04/2022 09:11

You could change your settings on WA so that the photos don't automatically download which is my way of editing my threads. Then you could choose which pics or memes to download?

LookItsMeAgain · 28/04/2022 09:12

Actually thinking about it you could use something that my SiL said to me, after a relative of hers (on her side of the family) had recently had a baby and I suggested (very insensitively and I realise that so much now) "Won't be long before you and X have one of your own" and she piped back "Maybe we can't have one of our own" and that completely shut me up! I still remember it today and it was over 10 years ago now. I apologised to her straight away and I've never mentioned it again (until now to show you it worked!)

TheOccupier · 28/04/2022 09:13

I'd have to say something. New baby excitement/hormones is lovely but saying that only mothers can know true love is cruel, smug and insensitive, even if you didn't have fertility issues. It's one of my pet hates and I always pull people up on it. Tell her you enjoy seeing the baby photos but that you feel belittled and hurt by her comments about motherhood and that love comes in many forms.