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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that introverts don't need "bringing out their shell!" 🙄

228 replies

MrsVillanelle · 27/04/2022 13:50

Hi,

So this is something that has really irritated me recently. I don't really see myself as an extrovert or introvert tbh. Maybe somewhere in between. However, my dp is definitely an introvert, but a confident and successful one, which shouldn't really be seen as surprising or contradictive, but in our society, loud and extroverted characters, seem to be viewed as the ones who make it to the top.

I was watching an episode of Four in a Bed the other day and a couple of the contestants were dancing around and singing. One of the women looked happy enough, but didn't want to dance....which should be fine, but this other couple were saying quite seriously, as though she really needed their help "she's lovely, but we need to bring her out her shell a bit". I just thought, erm..why?! You actually hear that sort of thing all the time, but when you step back and think about it, how rude is that?! People don't need to be shouting, doing karaoke and dancing around to be "out their shell". These people may very well be out their shell and perfectly happy as they are.

Not sure I'm explaining very well why this annoys me so much 😂 but does anyone know what I mean?

It's such a bizarre way of thinking.

OP posts:
Howeverdoyouneedme · 27/04/2022 13:52

YANBU. Those people need to get back in their shells tbh

Retrievemysanity · 27/04/2022 13:54

Yes, I had this at school. ‘She’s too quiet’ was always said about me at parents evening. Really pissed me off because to me, it’s not a bad thing, it’s just how I am.

SarahShorty · 27/04/2022 13:56

I'm very introverted and like my own space. Socialising fills me with dread and makes me anxious. I just about manage in work meetings and family get-togethers, but afterwards I feel exhausted and I can't wait to get home.

Dacquoise · 27/04/2022 13:56

It's equally annoying when people comment about being 'quiet' or 'shy' in reference to introversion, absolutely not connected and rude to make personal comments anyway. How about you're 'loud' and 'brash' as a response?!?

Firebird83 · 27/04/2022 13:56

YANBU. Teachers used to say this about me all the time at school and it irritated me so much! I’m not in a “shell”, I’m just an introvert and a more reserved type of person. Why should I have to change my natural temperament and personality? My DS is very similar and is already getting comments like this from people.

AwkwardPaws27 · 27/04/2022 13:57

Extroverts constantly misunderstand what introversion means.

We aren't necessarily shy (some of us are, but that's not what it means). It's about energy levels - extroverts recharge and gain energy by socialising, introverts need alone time to recharge and expend energy socialising.

It doesn't make us antisocial, but it does mean most of us need to factor in time to recharge in between - so if I want to spend my lunchbreak alone, reading or listening to a podcast, let me!

Reallyreallyborednow · 27/04/2022 13:58

Yep. All my life I was told I needed to “push myself forward” or I’d never get anywhere in life. Too quiet on school reports, if the teachers even noticed me.

i always felt there was something wrong with me if I didn’t have loads if friends and constant social engagements.

i am much happier now i don’t have those
pressures and can potter around at home.

Trulyweird1 · 27/04/2022 13:59

Completely agree. I am somewhat introverted. But if you saw me at work you would never think so, - you would see determination, strength and a direct approach to speaking up.
if I am with friends I can be funny and have fun.
i just need down time, but that does not mean you should underestimate me.

pbdr · 27/04/2022 13:59

Howeverdoyouneedme · 27/04/2022 13:52

YANBU. Those people need to get back in their shells tbh

This made me burst out laughing and I nearly woke up my sleeping baby Grin well said

SeedyBloomer · 27/04/2022 14:00

The problem with many extroverts is that they think that talking for the sake of it, about nothing important, to anyone who will listen, is a desirable skill. They view it as a ‘communication skill’ because they can ‘talk to anyone’ when really it’s just waffle. Same goes for dancing about and singing while dragging people over to participate. The introverts watch it, amused, but just don’t feel any need to be involved. I think half of the problem is that extroverts often think introverts are unskilled communicators who are socially awkward, when quite often introverts just think a bit more before they speak and enjoy more meaningful conversation in small groups. I’m more extroverted than introverted but I can see why introverts would find some people bloody irritating!

IncompleteSenten · 27/04/2022 14:01

No we do not.

We need our shell to be respected!

ManateeFair · 27/04/2022 14:03

Yes, I’m with you on this. Just let people be themselves! I can happily enjoy watching others do karaoke but I would die rather than sing, and it isn’t helpful or fun when people try to make me.

There are some people who assume that because they are only happy when they’re surrounded by people and joining in, everyone else must be like them. These are the same people who see someone sitting alone on a park bench and assume they must be lonely and want to talk, without even considering that perhaps that person is enjoying their solitude and just taking a nice peaceful break from people.

Also, it’s not even just an introvert-extrovert thing, really, is it? You can be a shy extrovert or a confident introvert. Or you can be fine with performing for an audience, but terrified of mingling and making small talk - for example, I’m absolutely fine with making a speech or giving a presentation, or being interviewed, but if I was at an event where you had to network over coffee or something I would literally go and hide in the toilets. My mum loves being in company and will happily chat with strangers and make conversation if required - but if she had to stand on a stage in front of any kind of audience she’d probably have a panic attack!

SallyWD · 27/04/2022 14:04

Definitely! I'm an introvert and some of my most uncomfortable moments are when people try and make me do things I don't want to. I have 4 sisters in law who are all very extroverted and different to me me. THEY enjoy many things I don't - dancing, extreme sports, singing songs loudly in the car etc. When I see them I'm always being hassled to join in these things despite how uncomfortable I feel. I used to feel bad about myself, what was wrong with me etc. Now at 47 I just don't care. I am who I am and there's nothing wrong with it! I would never make someone do something they didn't want to. Just leave me be. I'm perfectly happy if you leave me alone. Whenever I get hassled these days I just give a firm "No, I don't want to" and that's that.

hidinginthekitchenwithwine · 27/04/2022 14:07

Yes! This happens to me from time to time. Years ago I didn't get a promotion at work and a colleague helpfully commented that someone else got the job because she was bubbly and I'm not. A word which is often used re women and never about men: bubbly. I hate it. Still water can quench your thirst just as well as sparkling can!

DifficultBloodyWoman · 27/04/2022 14:12

My shell is my happy place. Why do people want to make me unhappy?

5128gap · 27/04/2022 14:13

pbdr · 27/04/2022 13:59

This made me burst out laughing and I nearly woke up my sleeping baby Grin well said

Show quote history

Yeah that really tickled me too. 😂

StorminNorma · 27/04/2022 14:13

YABU because there's no such thing as introversion or extraversion. The whole thing is nonsense dreamt up by marketing eejits. People saying we all need to do karaoke are tedious. So are people who adopt an identity based on a marketing campaign from 70 years ago.

SleeplessInEngland · 27/04/2022 14:17

StorminNorma · 27/04/2022 14:13

YABU because there's no such thing as introversion or extraversion. The whole thing is nonsense dreamt up by marketing eejits. People saying we all need to do karaoke are tedious. So are people who adopt an identity based on a marketing campaign from 70 years ago.

Carl Jung was the first person to use the terms in a psychological context around 1910. Not sure I'd call him a marketing man.

jamoncrumpets · 27/04/2022 14:20

My shell is my favourite thing in the world so when I emerge from it, I make damn sure it's worth it! An an autistic person I'm constantly doing things that I don't want to do, or that feel unnatural to me, so as I've gotten older I've become much better at saying no and letting some spinning plates fall. My favourite type of day is one where I don't have to speak to a single person between dropping the kids off at school and fetching them. Absolute heaven.

WoodenClock · 27/04/2022 14:20

Yes. I've always been someone who's "quietly confident"

People always see someone quiet as lacking in confidence, but I have a lot of confidence in my own abilities, I just don't feel the need to make a lot of noise for the sake of it. Eg. When I have something useful to contribute in a meeting I will absolutely speak up, but I'm happy to let others talk when they're better placed to do so.

I'll never be the life an soul of the party, dancing on tables or holding court to a large group, but I like to think I'm good company 121 or in a small group.

I do think it's rude when people are so "shy" they can't make conversation.

Greensleeves · 27/04/2022 14:20

I agree. Anyone attempting to "bring me out of my shell" these days is likely to encounter a set of sharp pincers Grin

Just let people be, ffs. Not everyone enjoys constant noise and drama.

Fairisleflora · 27/04/2022 14:20

i think it depends. If an introvert is say at a table at a wedding with people they don’t know, it’s dull and really quite rude not to make any form of attempt at conversation.

SarahSissions · 27/04/2022 14:21

i hate it at work on “team building days” quite often filled with tasks the extroverts think are fun, that have others dying inside. As an introvert you are made to do them, despite finding them mortifying and they continue to go ahead because “everyone loves them” errr they don’t!!! The introverts just don’t say anything because they’re INTROVERTS.

StorminNorma · 27/04/2022 14:21

Jung used the terms quite differently from the INFJ nonsense and never intended for anyone to say 'i am an introvert'. Indeed he said it would be impossible to be one.

Greensleeves · 27/04/2022 14:24

WoodenClock · 27/04/2022 14:20

Yes. I've always been someone who's "quietly confident"

People always see someone quiet as lacking in confidence, but I have a lot of confidence in my own abilities, I just don't feel the need to make a lot of noise for the sake of it. Eg. When I have something useful to contribute in a meeting I will absolutely speak up, but I'm happy to let others talk when they're better placed to do so.

I'll never be the life an soul of the party, dancing on tables or holding court to a large group, but I like to think I'm good company 121 or in a small group.

I do think it's rude when people are so "shy" they can't make conversation.

So your limitations are perfectly acceptable, because you're "quietly confident", but others' aren't? Anyone who is so shy (anxious) that they can't make conversation has enough to cope with without being branded "rude" by someone with no empathy Hmm