To think that introverts don't need "bringing out their shell!" 🙄

[MrsVillanelle]

Hi,

So this is something that has really irritated me recently. I don't really see myself as an extrovert or introvert tbh. Maybe somewhere in between. However, my dp is definitely an introvert, but a confident and successful one, which shouldn't really be seen as surprising or contradictive, but in our society, loud and extroverted characters, seem to be viewed as the ones who make it to the top.

I was watching an episode of Four in a Bed the other day and a couple of the contestants were dancing around and singing. One of the women looked happy enough, but didn't want to dance....which should be fine, but this other couple were saying quite seriously, as though she really needed their help "she's lovely, but we need to bring her out her shell a bit". I just thought, erm..why?! You actually hear that sort of thing all the time, but when you step back and think about it, how rude is that?! People don't need to be shouting, doing karaoke and dancing around to be "out their shell". These people may very well be out their shell and perfectly happy as they are.

Not sure I'm explaining very well why this annoys me so much 😂 but does anyone know what I mean?

It's such a bizarre way of thinking.

I LOVE this explanation - it is so true. No-one has ever put it quite like that to me, but this struck such a chord - it’s not that I don’t like having fun, or that I don’t like people - but the excitement of it all wears me out much more quickly than my extrovert friends.

So your limitations are perfectly acceptable, because you're "quietly confident", but others' aren't? Anyone who is so shy (anxious) that they can't make conversation has enough to cope with without being branded "rude" by someone with no empathy

No, I am that person, I've had to learn to be able to do it. Fine if you want to avoid those situations altogether, but very rude to be seated next to someone at dinner, for example, and make no attempt at conversation.

I never see "extroverts" spending time overanalysing specific behaviours and attributing them to introversion or extraversion in the way that "introverts" do.

With you all the way - I used to get this at parents' evenings in regard to one of my DDs. She was perfectly happy: keeping up with work, getting on with friends. She just was not into piping up in class. It used to really irritate me.

As someone who would describe themselves as an introvert I actually agree - I find introvert pity-parties grating. Yeah, the world's rewards people more willing to put themselves out there - get over it.

All my life I have been told that I'm too quiet, that I need to push myself forward etc;
So tiresome.
I think people associate being quiet with being weak, and its not the case at all.
My area of work is full of extroverts so I do sometimes struggle to get myself heard in meetings ( get spoken over by blokes all the time , but I would say that is the same for most women), I am able to hold my own and will challenge where necessary and if I do have to raise my voice , everyone notices as it doesn't happen very often. Much more impactive.

I find introvert pity-parties grating.

God yeah.

'Introverts of the world: separate and whinge a bit.'

YANBU. I am very happy for other people to enjoy themselves by dancing, singing and being loud. I like observing but usually have no inclination to join in.

I also agree :)

It’s so tedious isn’t it? Apparently everyone is supposed to respect introverts and accept it’s just how they are, but extroverts are fair game for a bashing.
And I say that as an introvert, by the standard definition.

I had a recent parents evening for my (secondary school) son. EVERY teacher said he was well behaved, doing well, but needed to speak up. It was like reading my own school reports from 30-40 years ago. Husband is the same. Why after all these years can't people understand that some people are happy to listen and learn quietly??

I honestly think the world would be a better place if it was geared towards introverts.

You know what they say, the meek will inherit the Earth - so maybe it’ll happen (although I dislike the word meek)

I’m a bit of an ambivert, can go either way depending on who I’m with and the situation etc. I remember being in work and having a good chat and laugh with a few colleagues and then needing to crack on with my work. After having my head down for not even an hour, one of them said, ‘you ok 90sbritpop? You’re quiet today!’

Huh?! Say what now?! Honestly can’t win! I could be swinging from the chandeliers all day but quiet for half hour and it’d be ‘ooh you’re soooo quiet’ oh flip off!!!

I think there's a basic misunderstanding of what extrovert and introvert mean.
Extroverts get energy from being with other people.
Introverts are drained from being with other people.
I'd classify myself as an out-going introvert. I've no problems socialising and can be quite loud with other people but I find it exhausting and look forward to time on my own.
My dad was an extrovert. Loved being with people and spent his days looking for occasions to meet up with others. He was confident, out-going, sociable. But he wasn't loud or dominating. I know introverts that can be loud and dominating.

Coming out of your shell applies to shy people. It's perfectly possible to be shy but to get a buzz out of spending with others. And yes, I think it's annoying when people are told off for complying with their own nature rather than conforming to someone else's.

Some people mistake shyness for introversion.
You can be shy and an extrovert.
You can be introverted and not shy at all.

Think of a social cake.
Intorverts only have so much social cake. They interact with people and that cake gets handed out. Eventually they seek solitude to remake their social cake.

A shy person has cake but is nervous to ha d that cake out, even though they want too. They worry some might not like the cake.

A shy person need reassurance their cake is fine and people will like it. Introverts don't need that reassurance, they just need leaving alone when they've run out of cake.

Extroverts have social cake, but they eat that when alone, they need people to help bake it.

There is also a personality called schizoid, these people have cake too. But it's their cake. They have no wish to share it, they keep it in a Tupperware tub and wander off in to the corner on their own and look at their cake. They don't need to share it, they don't need to bake it or hand it out, they just want to be left alone to admire their cake.

Ah, another thread slagging off extroverts.

Im a chatty, outgoing person who likes the odd bout of karaoke. I’m also an introvert 🤷🏻‍♀️

Another who used to get this all the time at school like it was a character flaw. I used to think but how on earth can I change who I am? I dread weddings etc in case someone tries to drag me on to dance floor like it’s for my own good.

There’s way to much emphasis on “putting yourself out there” or constantly “getting your self out of your comfort zone” or having to have loads of friends, constantly doing something etc. Some people enjoy and even thrive on quite time, even solitude, on not constantly needing to socialise or constantly have to be talking - it’s sometimes what I call fake fun because you are so encouraged “to come out of your shell”. It’s can be exhausting.

Yup. This kind of thing has driven me mad my whole life. I am just not a social being really. I have a hobby that involves other people and that's fine when I am doing it, but I have no desire to go to the club Christmas party or whatever. Likewise at work. I held a very senior position for decades and had no problem dealing with people in a professional setting, but I never went on nights out etc because I hate that kind of thing. For years I used to make excuses - childcare etc - but then people would start trying to problem solve to "help" me so I had to just be honest. But people have been trying to "cure" me my whole life. I don't need fixing. I am happy as I am. And I like myself.

Think this has already been said better, but...Introversion often seems to be associated with shyness or a form of social anxiety, which isn't the case. I know people I'd describe as introverts who are quite assertive and vocal. So nobody needs 'bringing out of their shell', and YANBU.

Yes forced jolity is extremely annoying.

Though I have to say I have become less introverted with age as I've gained confidence, so there can be an element of shyness/lacking confidence.

I totally agree. I get the impression that some posters who say they are introverts think they are morally superior by being quiet and "deep thinking".

I also think some people are getting extroverts mixed up with show offs. I would say that I am on the extrovert side of the spectrum, but I am the last on the dance floor, hate karaoke and would die if I had to stand up in front of loads of people and give a presentation.

That is an excellent analogy @MaryAndHerNet.

I do think the world is more geared up for extroverts. My quiet and very anxious DD had to stand up and give a 10 minute presentation of her dissertation at university today in front of a room full of people. She barely slept a wink last night from anxiety. It doesn't seem fair that a degree classification could be dependent on a person's personality type.

PMSL, who knew there was such a thing as "extrovert fragility"

A lot of people need to get back in their shells. The amount of utter shite that gets chatted.